Happy Holidays to everyone celebrating. I am glad to see so many are enjoying this. Enjoy the new chapter.

Disclaimer: I do not own or have any affiliation with Chicago PD, its characters, writers, cast or crew.

XXX

It is Christmas Eve in Chicago, but feels like such a normal day. Bright light peeks through the curtains and I wonder if it is snowing as the forecast called for earlier in the week.

I don't want to move from my bed, but I know if I don't soon, that at any moment my girl will come running in to find me. She has loved the holiday since she was three when she realized she gets presents, and even more so since today my baby is five years old. A Christmas baby. A Christmas miracle for me.

And sure enough, not even a minute later, my bedroom door is pushed open. I lift myself to rest on my elbows just in time to see my girl jump on the bed and then on me. She sits on my stomach and twirls the necklace I am wearing around her little fingers. It's my favorite and hasn't come off since the day it was clasped on, and she loves to play with it because it's shiny. She tugs at the two rectangular tags locked on the silver ball chain and leans closer to look like she always does, but the engraved letters and their too small size make it difficult for her to read. She drops the tags, both clanking as they touch, and then drops a kiss to my cheek.

"Morning mommy!"

"Morning babe. What time is it?"

She raises a hand to her face to sweep away some hair that has fallen in front of her eyes and leans over to look at the clock on my nightstand.

"9:49," she tells me, sitting back again on my stomach and now playing with my fingers.

She's been reading since she was three, and is so smart for her age it's uncanny. Lord knows where it came from.

"And how long have you been awake missy?"

"Since eight, but I only remember the time because that's when Dora came on. One of today's special words was navidad. Do you know what that means in Spanish, mommy?"

I do, but I don't tell her that.

"What is it?"

"It means Christmas!"

Her smile is wide and genuine and that's why I let her tell me. The way her face lights up when she learns something new or does something for the first time makes all of the hurt in my heart worth every second of pain. Because I still have her.

"It does, huh?"

She nods her head, still smiling and excited.

"Yes! And you know what else?"

I have a feeling.

"What?"

"Today is my birthday, and I'm a whole hand years old!"

She holds up a hand in high-five fashion for emphasis and I can't help the grin that comes to my face.

"But I thought we were skipping your birthday this year."

"No, we are not! You cannot skip my birthday. That's just crazy talk mommy."

I laugh then, and I love her even more for it. It's been a while since a real one has escaped me, but she's one of the few lights of my life and I'd be damned if I didn't try my hardest for her. Especially today.

"I guess it is. That calls for a special breakfast today then, huh? Then we'll head over to grandpa's for presents and more food. I think he's trying to fatten us up, kid."

"It's okay. Grandpa is the better cook anyway," she eases up off me with a sly grin. I scoff at her playfully while she slides off the bed to the floor. She's almost to the door as I'm standing on my feet when she stops suddenly and turns back to face me.

"Mommy?"

Her voice is quieter now, almost as if she's afraid, and I'm a bit afraid myself at what she could possibly say, but I question it anyway.

"Yeah, baby?"

"Will I see daddy today?"

And just like that, the morning is tainted blue with heartache and I reach a hand out to her trying to hold in my tears.

"Come here babe."

She shuffles toward me and takes hold of my outstretched hand. I squeeze her little one in my bigger one and reach down to pick her up. I place her on the edge of my bed and kneel down in front of her so we are eye to eye. I look up at her with sorrow in my eyes because I know I'm about to break her heart on her birthday and ruin it all.

"You remember what I tell you? What you should always do for people?"

She nods first and then speaks, "You always tell the truth. Even if it hurts because lies hurt more."

"That's right. And I don't wanna lie to you and get you excited for something that might not happen," I pause to take a breath and swallow a lump in my throat, "I don't think you'll see him today, or tomorrow babe."

The twinkle in her eyes from minutes ago now seems like a lifetime away because her eyes become a shade darker and she looks like she will cry at any moment, but she doesn't.

She only mumbles, "But it's my birthday."

She breaks my heart with those words because I want my girl to be happy, always, and she's not and it's my fault. Another large lump gets swallowed back, and I give her little hands another squeeze as I now hold both of them in my own.

"I know it is babe. You know he's staying with Uncle Tony right? He's not far."

She nods, and drops one of my hands, moving it to hold my necklace again. She knows who it once belonged to and one day it will most likely be hers.

"When we saw grandpa, Uncle Tony told me it's like a sleepover, but why doesn't daddy sleep here with us?"

I don't want to tell her it's because of me because then she'll get sassy and tell me to fix it, and I've tried and I can't.

"He's just going through some stuff right now and I think Uncle Tony is trying to help him."

She looks satisfied with my explanation, but not by much so I stand, taking her with me, and place her on my hip.

"How about that breakfast?"

She drops my necklace and looks up at me, "Pancakes?"

I smile, "Only the best for the best."

I kiss her forehead and carry her to the kitchen, intent on making this a good day for her despite the shit storm I've created.

XXX

By the time we have finished breakfast, cleaned up, and are dressed to go to Voight's it is nearing five o'clock in the early evening. We ended up sitting in front of the television with our pancakes and watched A Christmas Story. God only knows how it's one of Jessie's favorites - I think it's annoying. Twenty four hours of the same movie? But I suck it up, and watch it twice for her.

I've just pulled up in front of the house I practically grew up in. Granted I was only fifteen, but this house is home and it always will be.

It's just after 5:30 and the diva is eager to get out of the car. I don't blame her. Her grandfather really is the best cook, I admit, and he usually gives great presents on top of being one of her favorite people in the world.

I unbuckle her from her booster seat and place her on the ground. She is dressed in some kid's Uggs pulled over jeans and a dark green sweater with a reindeer on the front, a heavy jacket on over that to shield her from the bitter Chicago wind. She is as adorable as ever, especially when she tip toes over a small patch of ice to avoid a pile of snow.

"Ya good babe?"

She's always been independent and I don't want to take that from her.

I see the nod come slow as she makes it across the ice and then she grabs hold of my hand as we walk up the porch steps together.

I lift her up quick to let her ring the doorbell even though I have a key, and within moments the door is swinging open and there stands Hank.

"Grandpa!

She is so excited and I can't help, but smile, especially when he greets her with the same enthusiasm.

"Jessie!"

He picks her up and squeezes her tight before placing her back on her feet, "Happy birthday, munchkin."

Jessie runs off down the hall to the kitchen, but yells back, "Thanks, gramps!"

I hear a man's voice from the back, Alvin it sounds, and I know my diva is fine. Then I hear smaller voices and my forehead crinkles.

I turn towards my father with a slight raise to my eyebrows, but he's already coming at me with arms open and pulls me into him.

"Hey, kid."

"Hi, dad," I hug him back and then we release one another, "Is that Diego and Eva I hear?"

He sighs, "It is. They came with Dawson. Probably playing with Jess now. Lexie is back there too, with Al and Meredith. Just waiting on the rest of the team. Should be here soon."

I bite my lip. I want to disappear.

"So that means he'll be here?"

Hank breathes in deep and exhales. I can see it on his face he's choosing his words carefully.

"He's still family, Erin. I can't not invite him. We're all still family regardless of the stuff that happens between you two. I told you that from the beginning. Everyone has made their choices, whether good or bad. The beds are made; it's time to lie in 'em."

I force back tears and only nod at his words because I know he's right.

"Come on. Beer's in the kitchen, kid," he drapes an arm over my shoulder and guides me to the kitchen.

When we enter I immediately see Jessie playing some card game with Diego, Eva, and Lexie. Alvin is standing by the island, a glass of what appears to be scotch in one hand and his other arm around Meredith's, his wife, shoulder. She's got a glass of red wine and Antonio is across from them drinking from a bottle of beer.

They all greet me with smiles, but I quickly take note of the strain on Antonio's end and I know what it stems from; he's worried. About me. About Jay. About Jessie. About all of us. He's always been a great friend and I can tell it is beginning to take a toll of sorts on him – he doesn't know which side to choose even though there really aren't any. I fucked up. Plain and simple. I was wrong, not Jay.

It's all small talk for thirty minutes or so, and for some reason I feel so out of place. These people are my family, but I just want to go back home and cuddle under covers with my favorite girl and watch that stupid Christmas movie as many times as she wants.

I hear the doorbell and my head snaps to the entryway of the kitchen as Voight excuses himself to answer the door. Thankfully it's only Trudy and her boyfriend from the firehouse.

Damn, I can never remember his name. Mouch? Yeah, that's it.

They greet me with warm smiles and Platt hugs me as well.

Minutes pass and the sound of the bell rings again, and Voight is gone to answer it. I hear Adam's footsteps first, he's always been loud, and then come the clack of heels; Kim no doubt. I hear Nadia's unmistakable laugh, and then his follows and I smell him before I see him. The smell of his aftershave makes my heart skip and I want to die.

The five adults enter the kitchen, Voight at the helm, but all I hear is my daughter.

"Daddy!"

I turn and Jessie is already running full force towards him. I watch him catch her easily as she jumps at him and he squeezes her to him tight. He blows a raspberry on her ear and she giggles the most delicious laugh, and then he's kissing her cheek and looking right at her.

"Mommy said I might not see you today."

At least I didn't lie to her.

He looks like she's just spoken a foreign language to him and the charmer that he is plays it off so smooth, "But it's your birthday!"

My girl lets out a dramatic sigh and gives a shrug of her shoulders, "That's what I said."

"I couldn't miss my favorite girl's birthday, could I?"

I see her eyes bug out and she shakes her head from side to side hurriedly, not even entertaining the idea.

She leans forward and kisses his nose, and it's such a sweet moment I feel as though I am intruding just by witnessing it with my own eyes.

"I missed you," I hear her tell him while I play with a loose string of fabric on my jeans.

And I hear him smooch her again, "I missed you, too Little J."

My heart aches in the most wonderful and horrible of ways.

I definitely need a beer.

XXX

It's only been two hours, but it feels like a lifetime and I find myself thinking of excuses to leave, but none of them are good enough and everyone would know why I was leaving so quick and sudden. I can't tell you how many drinks I've knocked back, but between the beer and whiskey, I've got a good buzz going and I don't hesitate in opening up another bottle of brew.

Jessie hasn't left Jay's side, not that I blame her. If things were normal like way back when I wasn't an idiot I'd be sitting on Jay's knee, Jessie would be curled into his side already passed out and I'd be the happiest woman in the world. My girl is most definitely about to pass out, and she is wrapped around him, but I'm not on his knee and I wish I was more than anything.

I chance a glance at him and it's like radar, or fate, or something stupid because our eyes meet. But as quick as they do, it drops and he's back in the conversation with Ruzek about some playoff football game from a week ago. I see him tighten his hold on Jessie; she's all, but asleep. Cake and presents wore her out, but she's smiled so much today that any tension is worth it because I love her more than anything.

A throat clears and I look up to see Kim standing in front of me with a smile on her face.

"Hi," I smile back. Despite the bad stuff, she has always been a good friend.

"Hey," she sips from her wine glass and nods towards the empty front living room, "Can we talk?"

"Sure," I go to follow her out of the kitchen, but not before turning back to Jessie.

She's still asleep, but in Jay's lap now. He's got his arms around her and her head is on his shoulder while he rubs her back to keep her passed out. I meet his eyes for a moment and it's as though we have an entire conversation without words. We've always known each other so well, but this only further proves it. I nod in Kim's direction and he nods back in understanding, and I mouth the words thank-you to him and just like that he's back to talking to Ruzek.

I ignore the pain still lingering inside of me and meet up with Kim at the front of the house. She offers me another smile before pulling me in for a brief hug.

"How have you been, Lindsay?"

"As good as a girl can be doing after ruining one of the best things to ever happen to her. You?"

She snickers at my answer, but then gets serious on me. "I've been worrying nonstop about you and Jay. You are miserable, he is miserable. Why can't you guys just be miserable together?"

I give her a small smile at her attempt to make me feel better, but it honestly only makes me feel worse.

"Maybe because he hates me."

Kim rolls her eyes at me, "That man could never hate you."

"You could have fooled me. He hasn't said one word to me all night and the only acknowledgement he did give me was in reference to Jess, and that was about two minutes ago when I left the room to come in here with you."

"Maybe he just needs more time then," she says to me.

"It's been months and he still won't talk to me, Kim. He came over last night to get the rest of his stuff. It's over. It's as if he doesn't care anymore."

"Can you blame him?"

I want to say of course I don't blame him, I blame me! But before I can say anything she speaks again.

"Look, I'm not placing fault on anyone here. We all know Jay was kind of pushy about you guys, and I'm certainly not taking sides, but you really hurt him, Erin."

Like I don't already know this. I've been living with the guilt for the past three months and still don't know what to do to try and fix this mess I've caused. I'm trying to give him his space to let him heal, but it's hard when we still work together so closely, not to mention the five year old asleep in the other room that calls him daddy.

"I know I did," is my quiet response.

I breathe in and deeply sigh. I feel so lost and confused and still so angry at myself.

I drink the rest of my beer I took from the kitchen and run a hand through my loose waves.

"What do I do?" I look at Kim with pleading eyes and ask again, "What the hell do I do?"

She pulls her bottom lip between her teeth as if contemplating, but she replies, "I don't know. Maybe some space between you will be good. And once he leaves Intelligence it could be easier for him-"

Wait. What?

"What did you just say?"

She looks as confused as I do.

"What do you mean once he leaves Intelligence?"

She sucks in a breath, "Oh. You didn't know about that. Um, I uh…"

"Burgess."

"I thought you knew. I thought Voight would have told you."

"Told me what?"

She hesitates, "Jay put in for a transfer to homicide at District 21. He requested out of the Intelligence Unit."

XXX

I'm beyond buzzed, and on my way to drunk and I know there is no way in hell I'm driving me or my daughter home.

I'm sitting on the couch in the living room. I know Voight is still there because it's his house and I'm pretty sure I hear Jay's voice, but I don't see Jessie and it freaks me out.

"Where's Jess?" I call out to anyone, and I'm quite surprised when I hear his voice in front of me.

"She's already in your car. Come on, I'm taking you both home," he tells me with such a stern tone I feel as though I am fifteen again and being scolded by Voight for sneaking in past curfew.

"They can just stay here," I hear Hank's voice now.

It's then I realize my eyes are closed, but when I open them, things are hazy and the room is spinning on an angle. I close them again feeling the need to vomit, but hold back.

"Can't. Presents at my house. Jess will be heartbroken, and she needs pajamas," I mumble.

I hear Jay again, this time closer, "Come on, Erin."

I feel his hands on me, fingers grasping my shoulder with gentle force and I don't want him to ever let go. He pulls me from my spot on the couch and leads me somewhere. Probably the front door.

"Love you kids, be careful," Hank's voice is behind me, and then he says to Jay, "Shoot me a text when you get there, yeah?"

Jay is quick to respond, "You got it. We'll see ya later."

Then we're walking again and everything hurts. My brain is rattling like an annoying baby toy and my skin feels on fire. Whether that is from the alcohol in my bloodstream or the hands touching me, I do not know, but I'd bet money on the latter.

XXX

My eyes stay closed the entire car ride and I'm sure I must have passed out because when I wake up I feel a bit better than before and we're parked in front of my apartment.

"Stay in the car. I'll take her up and come back for you," I hear Jay's whispered voice and turn in its direction. He's pulling Jessie out of the backseat and kicks the door closed before making his way up the steps and inside the building.

However long he takes, I do not know, but he keeps his word because he's back and unbuckling me from the passenger seat. I don't want to walk anymore, all I want is my bed and sleep, and he must know that because before I realize what is happening I'm in his arms like a bride and my face is in his shirt trying to block out the cold. God bless him, because I know the elevator is still broken and this wonderful man is about to carry me up three flights of stairs. I don't deserve him in the slightest.

He doesn't put me down until we're in the bedroom of my apartment and I've never felt more sober than I do right now. He lays me on the bed, pulls my boots from my feet and my jeans from my legs. I'm laid bare in only my undies. He pulls the sweater up my arms and over my head. He grabs a t-shirt from somewhere and slips it on over my bra.

He doesn't say a word, but I notice his eyes cast downward for a split second and when I follow his line of vision my eyes land on the necklace wrapped around me. I lift my gaze back up at him and nearly lose my breath as he reaches forward and takes hold of his dog tag necklace in the large palm of his hand and just stares at it.

The back of his hand brushes against the skin of my collarbone as he does this and I shut my eyes for a second to take it all in. He stares at it in his hand with a mixed look of contentment and regret on his face. This moment is killing me and I want more. I miss him. His scent is warm and inviting. He reminds me of Christmas, only all year round. The lingering scent of cinnamon gum on his breath, the rush of heat just from the tips of his fingers or the back of his hand. His aftershave is toxic, all old spice and something that is distinctly Jay Halstead.

"I never take it off," I tell him, my voice hushed and careful.

He looks at me then, eye to eye. The closeness reminds me of yesterday and I want to reach out to him like before, but I think twice this time and decide against it. And before I can say anything else, he's dropped the necklace that was once his and his eyes are anywhere except on me. He's up from the bed in seconds and he leaves the room.

Moments later, he returns. I see a bottle of water in one hand and a pill bottle in the other. He places both on the nightstand and tucks me in under covers.

And he thinks he is quick, but I'm still quicker, and all I want right now is him with me. I grab his hand before he can walk away and it's like fire shooting through my veins when my skin meets his again.

He looks down at my hand on his and then glances at me.

I'm looking right at him and he's looking through me, and I say, "Please stay. Don't go."

I'm begging again, but I don't care that I seem desperate or pathetic. I just don't give a damn.

The room is dark, but I can still see him and that's all I care about. I hear him breathing heavily and thinking too hard and then he speaks and it's like a knife to my chest all over again.

"You should sleep."

It's all he says and it takes all I have to not break down from another of his rejections.

"Please stay with me," I plead again. The tears are forming in the corners of my eyes and at any moment I'm sure they'll fall.

He's fighting it. He's fighting me. I can tell. Minutes seem to pass by like hours until he finally relinquishes some control, but not all of it.

"Until you're asleep."

"Okay," I say, a little too quickly.

He pulls his hand from mine and gets in the empty side of the bed. I turn to face him as he settles beneath the blanket, but stays above the sheets; he always was a gentleman. I just trudge an inch closer and grab hold of his hand again.

"Just until you fall asleep," he reminds me, his voice is rigid and his hand freezes in place as I hold it in mine.

"Okay," I mumble.

Because it's not everything I want, but it's something small, and it's all I need. It's a start and I'll take it.