A/N: I have no idea how this happened, but somehow this story has apparently descended into pseudocrack when I read through it a second time.

...I blame dengue fever. That stuff made me feel really itchy and then I took Piriton because I didn't get any sleep for 24 hours and then I went into a weird sort of whacked-out mode after the Piriton where I wanted to fall asleep and stay awake at the same time because I was worried about Tsukishima (or whatever that weirdass new manga villain is called, the one with the stabby sword) getting to me.

I'm fine now though, I promi - oh hey, sparkly things!

"Uryuu, what just – but – you – "

Yes. Now make the goddamn connection already.

Her gaze slid to the bow in his hand.

"You…"

"It took you long enough, shinigami." He adjusted his glasses with one hand, glowering at her.

"Wha- how did you know I was a shinigami?"

Uryuu twitched.

"I am the Last Quincy, and your opponent, shini-"

"Opponent? Quincy?"

He had the sudden urge to start beating his head against the wall.

"Look, how did you know I was a – "

Uryuu finally gave in to his urges.

"Seriously, is it that hard of a question to answer?"

Maybe if I close my eyes, I'll wake up and everything will be normal again, he thought before the part of his brain that he often classified as 'sensible' promptly processed that sentence and politely reminded him of the fact that 'normal' did not usually involve flatsharing with a Menos Grande, in a tone that sounded annoyingly like Ichigo's.

Normal for me, then.

"Hey! Stop doing that!" Uryuu received an unexpected whack to the back of the skull, causing him to stagger as the shinigami readied her satchel for another blow, if necessary.

"I am a Quincy, a human with spiritual powers capable of shooting hollows and will you please stop because you're giving me a headache right now and I'm not in a good mood."

The shinigami stopped, staring at him.

"Quincy? I've never heard of that word before."

Ugh.

"Evidently they don't teach about that in your school any more, then. There aren't any others."

"You just made up the name 'Quincy', didn't you? That's why I've never – "

He spun around to glare at her properly.

"The reason you've never heard of the Quincy before was because we were all but wiped out by the shinigami over a century ago. I'm the only one left. And you're not necessary here."

"That's stupid. The shinigami would never do something like that without – "

She shut up quickly upon seeing the expression on Uryuu's face.

We were doing a better job than you ever did…

"…I'm sorry."

Uryuu blinked. The expression on the shini – Kuchiki's face was considerably gentler now.

A 'hmph' escaped his lips as he turned, scowling again.

"Thanks, I guess."

"…what?"

The midget shinigami glowered at him. "Are you deaf? I said thank you."

"…why?"

"For getting rid of the hollow," she replied with some effort, refusing to meet his incredulous gaze.

"Why didn't you do it? It's your responsibility, after all…"

"I was about to before you rushed in!"

"Really. And how much destruction would it have inflicted before you managed to remove it?" he drawled. "Besides, you were late anyway, and couldn't even detect my presence in the class earlier."

"I wondered why you were frowning all the time you were looking at me. I thought maybe the wind changed and your face got stuck like that permanently."

The corner of Uryuu's eye twitched again.

"Why don't you just go back to where you belong now, then. I see no particular reason for you to be around here now the hollow left."

"Because I have an extremely important job. And it isn't completed yet." She folded her arms across her chest with a somewhat self-righteous air, just before her face shifted into a contemplative frown. "Actually…"

Oh shit…

"…come to think of it, I could use some assistance…"

HELL NO.

She smirked. "Since you're so much better than I am, prove it."

Uryuu glared at the irritating midget.

"Fine." He adjusted his glasses in anticipation of the challenge awaiting him. There was absolutely no way he was ever going to be bested by an undersized shinigami.

"Do you know where we can find another of those juiceboxes?"

Ashido wasn't quite sure what to make of the hollow before him.

He – for the hollow was definitely male, either that or very flat-chested – was sitting in front of him, legs crossed and tail casually slung over lap, holding what could have easily been a meeting at a well-off café in one of the better-off parts of Rukongai had it not been for his appearance. The civility was surprising.

"The only place you've heard of him is from the other hollow down here?"

"Correct," Ashido replied warily. He was still cautious about the hollow, since its motives were entirely unclear and it took a considerable amount of willpower to overcome the part of his brain screaming that there was something very dangerous in front of him with stabby horns and claws that could easily break his neck in an instant and he should really start running, right now.

"Never in Seireitei?"

He tensed slightly. "No. We do not generally take interest in the names of hollows."

"Really?" replied the other conversationally. "According to some of the hollow I've run into, Aizen is the name of a shinigami. I could be wrong, but I doubt your Seireitei would willingly let someone try to build up their own personal hollow army."

What? Ashido started. "No shinigami would ever betray Seireitei in such a fashion – "

Despite the fact that the upper half of his face was covered by his mask, the hollow still managed to convey the expression of raising an eyebrow. "Really?"

He stood abruptly. "I should warn them-"

"If there's a traitor in Seireitei, then they're likely to get you offed before your warning gets through. Not to mention the fact that they're probably going to be suspicious of you anyway. If you've been in Hueco Mundo for over 50 years, you're probably declared dead as it is." The hollow stretched calmly.

"Could you – "

The hollow's gaze intensified. "If you really think I'm going to risk my ass running into Seireitei to let them know someone's about to betray them..."

I suppose it was a ridiculous question to ask anyway.

"At any rate," it proclaimed, stretching, "I suppose I should thank you for the intelligent conversation. It's been kinda hard finding people to chat with recently."

Ashido tensed as the hollow stood up –

"Ichigo Kurosaki… I'll be seeing you." With a carefree wave, the air slid apart, permitting the hollow entrance.

"Wait!" Ashido called, making for the rift as it began to slide shut, before resigning himself to his self-inflicted imprisonment once more.

At any rate, his meeting had beaten being devoured by hollows…

Uryuu was not in a good mood.

The prime reason was that the shinigami was still in town.

The secondary reason was that he could not find said shinigami's prescence, due to the fact that Kuchiki-san was currently in what was possibly a power-sealing gigai.

The tertiary reason was that she showed no signs of leaving any time soon, thus forcing Ichigo to be absent.

The quaternary reason was that one of his sewing projects (an item for Michiru, on request) had gone missing, and he couldn't find it right now.

The fifth was that there was this really irritating sound coming through the walls, which was unusual since next door wasn't generally given to –

He dropped the pen onto his desk, before standing up and making his way towards the bedroom.

"-but the King's sentence…" The modulation of the voice changed. "No! I cannot possibly spend another three years without you, my love! Not even death can part us from being together!" It switched back to what was evidently intended to be a high-pitched female voice. "Dearest Lovino – "

He slammed open the sliding wardrobe door, revealing a pyjama-clad Rukia Kuchiki with what appeared to be a terrible 17th-century European shojou manga. She looked up at him, torch still in hand.

"What the hell are you doing in here?!"

"Oh, hello, Ishida-san," she replied in an airy manner. "Since I didn't know anyone else around here, I thought I might as well stay with you for the time being until my powers return properly. Also, Seireitei will get suspicious if I don't do my quota of hollows, so somebody needs to help with that as well and as I don't know anyone else around – "

He sputtered. "You don't just barge into someone's apartment and – and – " Uryuu flailed, attempting to express himself as she fixed him with a beady gaze.

"You wouldn't just leave me in a strange man's house to be ruined for marriage, would you?"

"What?! What're you – how is being married even relevant right now? Besides, those are my pyjamas!"

"They look quite small for you." Kuchiki eyed them critically. "Although I like all the little blue flowers decorating the cuffs. It's very pretty."

"They're not… I don't wear them… it was something for a friend – " he protested weakly, as the shinigami perked up at the mention of something interesting.

"You're courting another lady at the same time as you're entertaining a woman in your home?!"

Uryuu finally gave up, falling over and landing with a thump face-down on his duvet. "What do you want?"

Something was pushed into his right hand. "Take this."

He pushed himself up off the bed.

It was a zanpakuto.

Oh. No way. No way in a cold frozen HELL -

"I need you to perform some konsou, since apparently my reiatsu still hasn't returned enough yet... besides, if souls don't start coming through, my taichou will get worried about me, and they'll probably send down search parties." These last two words were pronounced with a side serving of unholy glee.

Uryuu twitched.

"You really should get that seen to," commented Kuchiki, cheerfully.

Oh god just kill me now and get it over with...

"Idiot! You're only meant to hit the heads!"

"...oh, those are supposed to be heads? I thought you just got bored and decided to scribble on them all, Kuchiki-san - "

Whump.