Hey you all,
again, a long time...but I can't do faster, I'm sorry, there's just too much stress in real life...hope, you'll enjoy reading anyway...and hope, you like the songs.,..oooohhh, and hope, you find the time to leave a tiny review =) 3
They say that everybody cries,
So don't think twice,
'cause it's alright.
Just impolite - Plushgun
Anakin taught Obi-Wan how to smile again.
Obi-Wan tried to stop his body from trembling, but he failed, failed as usual. The tears wouldn't stop streaming down his face until he had cried himself asleep. He played this game for weeks now, acting like he really was the calm, serene Jedi Master he was supposed to be, and not an insecure, broken youngling who felt like a lost orphan. He really tried to be strong…but all he could do was wearing a strong disguise to hide his true self. And the armor always cracked when he was alone, and then he sobbed like a baby, sobbed because of the sudden responsibilities he had to meet, sobbed because of his inability to be the wise leader for Anakin he should be, sobbed because he missed Qui-Gon, missed him so much…
If just Anakin didn't get what a nuisance his Master was, that he behaved like a pathetic little crybaby, like everything but the wise Master he should be…
He laughed bitterly under his tears. A Master…the only thing he managed masterly was the art of breaking down. A Master…he was barely an adult man, how could he guide such a promising little boy like Anakin was? How could they make him do that? How could Qui-Gon…
How could Qui-Gon have died, how could he leave him, and how could he dare to use his last breath for this boy, not for him, his devoted student, but for this foreigner from Tatooine…
Obi-Wan pressed his knuckles to his temples. He was being unfair now…Anakin, of all, was the last who should be accused for this mess, followed immediately by Qui-Gon. It was his own fault…his own fault that he was such a weakling in controlling his emotions, his own fault that every step he did felt like a failure, his own fault that he couldn't care better for Anakin.
The small boy didn't even ask for much…a warm bed, some pancakes and a little bit of affection…but Obi-Wan had never been good at expressing his feelings…and he had never been good with children. He heard Anakin's sobs often, late at night, and it was clear in every motion the boy made that he felt lonely, insecure and unfitting, and the old Obi-Wan would have certainly showed more compassion to his young housemate and student…but the old Obi-Wan had had a heart. Now, it felt like the Sith had stabbed that, too, in the same instant he had stabbed Qui-Gon.
And so, the best he could do to comfort the little, shivering bundle that was the most powerful Jedi talent since the days of Master Yoda, was to bring him a cup of hot chocolate and some empty words.
The Jedi laughed bleakly. The scabbiness of this gesture wavered as a sick irony in his mind…Qui-Gon would have known better how to deal with Anakin – Qui-Gon would have been better in everything.
Outside the door, Anakin bit his fingernails in deliberation. Obi-Wan was so sad…he would have known that even without seeing his tears. He tried to hide it, he really did, but Anakin wasn't stupid. He knew the clouds that obscured Obi-Wan's cerulean eyes, he had seen the same clouds for a million times in the eyes of his mother, when she was worried about their future, when there was again nothing more than a little bit of Blue Milk for their dinner, when Anakin came home with his back full of whip blows…
But he had always managed to cheer her up, hadn't he? He had made her laugh with senseless babble, had hugged her fiercely, had set the table with dusty desert flowers…
But none of these tricks seemed him apt for Obi-Wan…flowers definitely weren't something he would be happy about…no man would be happy about flowers…Anakin himself would tear the blooms in anger if the homesickness got hold of him again…wait…
Obi-Wan always knew how to comfort him in these blue hours when everything in him yearned for his mother, for his friends, and even for the grains of sand that suffocated everything on Tatooine…he always had a way to joy him up when he didn't feel good enough to be a Jedi, when he doubted everything or when he got lectured by his teachers…Obi-Wan always did the right thing…
And with a smile as bright as the twin suns above his home planet, Anakin dashed away from the door that still hid a broken Jedi.
Obi-Wan tried frantically to dry his eyes. Anakin would be home from classes soon, and he really deserved better than finding a wailing crybaby instead of his Master. He looked for a tissue in his sparsely furniture bedroom, but suddenly flinched as the door swung open and just wanted to scold Anakin for not having knocked as a small, warm hand slipped into his and a little body snuggled in his lap.
"Here, Master. I have prepared some hot chocolate for you. Everything will get better in time. That's the will of the Force."
Obi-Wan felt a lump in his throat, and at the same time, he wanted to laugh. Those were his words! The stupid, blunt words he used every time he saw his tiny apprentice in tears, tears because of loneliness, the cold or the fear of failure, and every time he had felt like a complete fool to comfort this doughty little boy with empty Jedi wisdoms…hadn't those words been that empty at all?
"Master…I know you are sad. And I'm sad to, sometimes. But it's better to be sad together than alone!"
Obi-Wan sipped of the mug and smiled at Anakin sheepishly and with a mouth slightly smeared of chocolate.
"Thanks, Ani…I really…appreciate it."
And how oddly, Obi-Wan mused as he watched his Padawan lick some cream from his fingers, how peculiarly comforting and encouraging a simple cup of hot chocolate could be.