Four
The plan had been hatched. The saloon gal would arrange for her rental mare, ol' Paint to be ready for an evening outing. Bessie would have one of Will's saddle horses ready to go when Kitty got there. Then, the two would ride off in the middle of the night to the Bart ranch to steal the piss apples.
Unbeknownst to Kitty, Moon Bar Ranch had been suffering from some employee theft issues. It seems Old Man Bart suspected his new foreman, Elwood Spaeth, of spiriting away some very valuable supplies in the middle of the night, the only way to prove his malfeasance, was to catch the culprit in the act. Mr. Bart had arranged for the Dodge City Marshall to be on hand to apprehend the thief as he was caught red-handed. Susan of course, had decided to use this opportunity to her advantage, and had planned an elegant meal to coincide with the Marshal's arrival.
It was after eleven that evening, when Kitty rode up to the Roniger place, Bessie was waiting on the front porch; she was dressed all in black, as was Kitty. "Good!" the saloon gal whispered to the farmer's wife, "We will be inconspicuous."
Bessie looked down at her 250 pound girth and gave a nervous chuckle, "My goodness Kitty, I don't think I will quite achieve that. Come on, I've got my horse saddled in the back corral." The two crept stealthily down past the barn to where the stocky mare was hitched. It was while standing next to Will Roniger's stoutest saddle horse that Bessie realized it had been at least three years and sixty pounds since she had last ridden a horse. "How am I going to get on this beast?" she whispered.
"Just put your foot in the stirrup, and pull yourself up." Kitty confidently replied in a hushed tone.
Bessie attempted to do as Kitty directed, without much success, "Try again Bessie, I'll push and you pull." After two failed efforts and much giggling, they found success when Kitty put her shoulder against Bessie's rump and heaved up with all her might. Kitty mounted `ol Paint and off they rode to the Bart ranch. They passed through the gateway under the wooden arch, which announced the property as MOON BAR RANCH, and tied their horses by a little grove of trees. The main ranch house was about a quarter of a mile down the road and the two set off on foot. The night was quiet, with just the faintest of moonbeams filtering through the clouds to light their way. As the duo neared the main ranch buildings, Bessie whispered, "Will said the apple trees are in the pasture behind the house."
The pasture was apparently used to keep the several milking cows that Mrs. Bart had insisted upon. This was confirmed when Kitty stepped into a fresh cow pie. The slippery substance caused her to lose her footing. Her arms flailed in the air as she sought her balance.
Seeing her precarious stance, Bessie shouted, "Watch out!" Kitty managed a spin to look at Bessie. But as she turned, her head collided with the limb of a piss apple tree. The force of the collision caused Kitty to fall hard on her bottom, landing on and smashing several very hard piss apples in the process. Bessie, rushing over to lend her aid, slipped on another cow pie and landed atop her slender friend, forcing Kitty's pretty face into the dirt.
It was at that point the two young women heard the forceful voice of the Dodge City Marshall hollering at them, "Hold it right there or I'll shoot!" Multiple lantern lights suddenly appeared to illuminate the scene.
It would be difficult at this point in our story, to determine who was the most surprised. Consider, the lovely Susan Bart, seeing her archenemy lying in a pile of cow dung with a mouth full of dirt. Or, Old Man Bart, who had expected to find the thief who was out to rob him blind and instead was witness to his neighbor's respectable wife and a saloon gal frolicking in his cow pasture. Consider as well, the shock of Matt Dillon, who never in his wildest dreams or fantasies anticipated seeing his Kitty in a field of slick cow slurry. (Try saying that fast three times) Which, brings us to the saloon gal and the respectable farmer's wife, who under any circumstances, could not imagine being on the business end of Matt Dillon's six shooter.
For a moment everyone stared at one another, mouths agape in shock and disbelief. Finally after what seemed a small eternity, Matt Dillon found his voice, and not a very pleasant one at that, "Kitty Russell, what are you doing here?"
The saloon gal thought to herself, `I'd rather eat dirt than tell him what I'm really doing here', but since she already had a mouthful of dirt, she said the only lie that came to mind. "Bessie and I thought we'd go for a little moonlight stroll, and we sort of got lost." Dillon gave her a look of thinly controlled exasperation.
He turned to Bessie, "Is that your story too, Mrs. Roniger."
Bessie awkwardly raised her abundant body off of Kitty and said "Ah yes, that's what happened, what Kitty said …"
Matt was past steaming and fast approaching his boiling point. "You know you two are trespassing on private property, Mr. Bart here, could press charges and I'd have to throw both of you in jail."
Mr. Bart was not above seeing the humor of the situation and said "Oh no, Marshal Dillon, we could never press charges against Mrs. Roniger, she is married to a fine upstanding young man. I am sure she is completely innocent in this incident, as for Miss Russell, well ahem, I won't press charges against her either."
Susan Bart looked at Kitty, complete disdain written on her face. The ranch heiress was dressed up like a firecracker on the fourth of July in a red, white and blue organza gown of Paris design; Kitty on the other hand resembled the bride of Frankenstein on Halloween night. Her red hair was standing on end, a bloody goose egg was rising on her forehead, her eye was swelling shut, her ribs were bruised, and multiple contusions and abrasions were turning black and blue by the second. Not to mention her clothing, which was soiled with cow dung, mashed piss apple and dirt. Matt carefully helped Bessie to an up right position, and then reached down ungraciously to yank Kitty to her feet. After which, he pulled out his handkerchief to wipe the manure off his fingertips. The Marshal turned towards Mr. Bart and said. "I'll see these two home, I think any further attempt at solving your problem tonight would be useless."
Mr. Bart agreed, and Susan reached up and gave Mr. Dillon a kiss, and said "Oh Matt, thank you so much for coming, I so enjoyed our delightful meal together, you are the most interesting and amusing dinner guest." She gave Kitty and Bessie another sly smirk, and with a toss of her curls, took her father's arm and walked up to the house.
Not easily intimidated by the lawman, Kitty demanded with hands on hips, "So what were YOU doing at Susan Bart's house tonight?"
Matt glared at her. "Miss Russell, I will do the interrogating. Where are your horses?"
They told him they had their horses tied up down by the road and Matt ordered them to, "Get walking". He stomped up to the house and got his buckskin and then caught up with the girls, riding behind them, too angry for words - while Kitty thought, "Damn him and his piss apples."
Of course getting back on the horse was not any easier for Mrs. Roniger this time than the last, and finally Matt hoisted her up to the saddle. He didn't make any attempt to help Kitty, and was completely lacking in sympathy for her physical discomfort.
Meanwhile, back at the Roniger place, Will had awakened to find Bessie gone. He had looked all over for her, the kitchen, the outhouse and finally, the barn. There he found an empty stall and a riding mare missing too. The poor man didn't know what to do, for he couldn't go after her and leave little Willie alone. He was beside himself with worry. It was not surprising then, that when the three of them rode up, Will Roniger, a young man of infinite patience and love for his wife lost his temper. "Bessie Mae Roniger, what got into you, you're a mother and a wife and you go traipsing off like a tramp in the middle of the night! I declare that Russell woman is a bad influence on you, next thing I know you'll be selling whiskey in that saloon with her! I forbid you to see her again." Will scowled at both women. Of course he felt bad as soon as he had said it, but not bad enough to amend his statement, at least not tonight. "Let `em sweat a little," he thought, "after the grief they've just put me through."
Matt took Will aside and told him what had happened that night at Moon Bar Ranch, he apologized to Will for any trouble Kitty might have gotten Bessie into, and assured Will that Miss Russell was going to receive a severe tongue lashing for her actions.
At the same time, standing several feet away, Kitty turned to her closest female friend,"Oh Bessie, I'm so sorry, now I've got Will mad at you and Matt mad at me, and we didn't even get any of those damn piss apples."
Bessie gave Kitty a mischievous grin. "Oh yes we did." She held open the large patch pocket on her black skirt to reveal at least six big red piss apples.
"How did you ever?"
"Shhhh," Bessie interrupted, "Here come Matt and Will."
"Come on you." Matt ordered roughly. Kitty climbed back on ol' Paint, and winced as she sat in the saddle, the headache that had started when her skull hit the tree limb was throbbing by this time, her eye was most nearly swollen shut, and her ribs hurt with every breath that she took. She was furious with Matt, and knew the sentiment was mutual. But then, Kitty ever the optimist looked on the bright side, Bessie did have those six damn piss apples, so maybe the night wasn't a complete waste after all.