Went and saw Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging (Or Angus, Pantaloons and Spiffing Kissing as me and my sister were calling it when we were being posh). I am quite disappointed actually. They slaughtered it. And to think how desperado we were to see it, we went up yesterday and it was all sold out. Hmp

Hi Kyramy, please keep reviewing, I know that you probably are getting a bit tired of reviewing now but I luuurve your reviews, in fact I luuurve reviews full stop, I won't threaten stopping writing because I can't do that because that is a)meany and b)fanfics are my life. But plllllleeeease keep reviewing. And everyone else. You don't know how happy they make me. :)

Sorry, bouts that, I feel a bit of a greedy nag asking, lol.

The Language of Kärlek

Friday June 13th

9.00am

I officially hate my parents.

2 minutes later

Honestly, you would think I am Libby's age the way they act. They came back before me and went absolutely ballisiticisimus because I had gone out. Just because their life ended in the Stone Age doesn't mean that I am not allowed one. They are so full of selfishiosity.

3 minutes later

Anyway, the nub and gist of it is that I am on house arrest. With knobs. With a 24/7 guard. Honestly, it is like borstal.

4 minutes later

And the worst thing is they are bringing Uncle Eddie over.

1 minute later

Uncle Eddie.

5 minutes later

I might as well die now.

2 minutes later

Well, after all, it is Friday the thirteenth.

10.30am

Mutti came mutti-ing into my room, tossing her nungas around with unheeding abandon. She should come with her own safety precaution.

She said, "Come on, stop lazing about, Uncle Eddie is coming in a minute,"

I said, "He always barges into my room anyway, so what is the point in going downstairs?"

She said, "Don't be so bloody cheeky! Anyway, just because you are suspended it doesn't mean you can be all lax,"

11.00am

Mutti has got me running around cleaning up the house like a little elf. I could not believe it. It is unbelievable that is why.

5 minutes later

I am like slavey girl.

3 minutes later

Mutti said it will teach me for treating this house like a hotel, and going in and out willy nilly.

4 minutes later

Which is hypocritical for someone is always out doing aerobics or salsa dancing.

6 minutes later

But that is so called adults for you. They have a go at the teenager misbehaving but do they actually behave themselves? No. I don't think Mutti even knows what a grocery store is.

Nothing green has been in our fridge for centauries.

4 minutes later

Apart from moss.

5 minutes later

Merde. Uncle Eddie is trying to be all interested in me. I was just minding my own business hoovering (yes, we do have a hoover, amazingly) and he said, "How's school,"

I said, "Stalag 14? It burnt down,"

He said, "Is that why you are suspended?"

Honestly! Adults have no trust.

I said, "I didn't burn it down!"

And he nodded and went out to polish his head or something.

11.45am

Oh dear, the Loon Patrol returns.

Uncle Eddie said, "So, have you got a boyfriend?"

How dare he ask that? I put on my digniosity personified face and ignorez-voused him.

Uncle Eddie said, "I've had plenty of girlfriends since I became a Baldy-o-Gram. I am a Sex Symbol. The ladies can't get enough of me,"

Erlack a Pongoes! My ears feel like prostitutes! Erlack, Erlack.

Then the Mad Bald One said, "Would you like to see my act?"

No, no and thrice no!

Midday

Kill me now.

I am being forced to watch my Uncle (who, as we all know, is as bald as a coot. Two coots in fact) show me his act as a laugh-o-gram. Erlack, Erlack. Baldy Porn. I feel abused and dirty. What sort of family allows me to witness this? It could scar someone as sensitive and artistic as moi for life. It is the sort of thing that will cost me millions in counselling in later life.

I may call Esther Rantzen's childline yet. Even though I might get Esther. O quel dommage!

6 minutes later

Luckily Uncle Eddie's performance was interrupted before he could take his trousers off. I think he is taking his duties as a jail guard quite seriously. He has decided to torture me as well.

Anyway, as I was saying, I was saved from being put off men for life and becoming a high flying executive lesbian by the door bell ringing. I dashed to answer it like two short dashing things on dash tablets.

It was Mr. Next Door. With Cross Eyed Gordy in a sack.

I said pleasantly, "Hello, nice day isn't it?"

He said, unpleasantly, "Don't 'nice day' me! I have your bloody cat here! I don't see why you keep them alive! They should be put down! They are both bloody murderous beasts!"

Not nice at all.

1 minute later

The nub and gist of it is that Gordy had somehow managed to tear a bird house off a tree that Mr. and Mrs. Next Door hung up. And then he ate all the baby birds inside.

As I said to Mr. Next, "I don't know why you encourage birds into your garden. You are practically murders yourselves; you know what lives next door,"

He said, "You should keep those beasts under control. They shouldn't be allowed to see the light of day,"

I said, "They can't help it, it their Scottish wild streak and-"

That's when Uncle Eddie came in behind me. Minding you that he was topless and wearing his feathery stripping gear. I thought Mr. Next Door's bottom was going to shoot off.

Hopefully he'll thing I am being subjected to some incestuous sexual torture and phone social services.

2 minutes later

When we let Cross Eyed Gordy free from the sack, Angus playing biffed him over the head. He is a proud Vati. He taught Gordy everything he knows. Including laying waste to the population of small furry things.

6 minutes later

Uncle Eddie said, "Would you like me to carry on doing my act?"

I ran up to my room and shoved my chest of drawers in front of my door.

1.00pm

I cannot believe Uncle Eddie asked me whether I had a boyfriend. Adults still manage to amaze me with their nosynosity.

5 minutes later

Do I have a boyfriend?

3 minutes later

Dave the Laugh is being a bit confusing. I wish he would stop playing this silly little stalking game and go out with me. That's what he wanted. That's what I want.

4 minutes later

Next time I see him I'll have to snog him to an inch of his life and then ask him.

6 minutes later

Next time I see him meaning next time I escape this prison.

2 minutes later

And I'll probably be a nervy wreck by the time I do. Uncle Eddie is singing 'You can leave your hat on' outside my door.

3 minutes later

I can't believe I made Dave the Laugh go jelloid! I am the most fabbity-fabbiest snogger on legs.

Boys never go jelloid and that is le fact! They have to stay all coolio. But I made Dave get the old Jelloid knickers. Or Jelloid Trousers as it will be called for him. Hahahaha,

6 minutes later

I've never made a boy go Jelloid before. But then again I've never snogged a boy before. Well, obviously I've snogged a boy. Lots of boys. In my days as a nymphowatsit. No, my nub is that I am always the snoggee. Never the snogger. If you know what I mean and I think you do.

4 minutes later

What did he mean, 'bugger the glaciousity approach'? Was all that his idea of glaciousity?

5 minutes later

I can't believe Jas told him about nip libbling. And the nip nip incident. And the nuddy pants photos. She must be eaten.

3.45pm

Phone Rang. I darted downstairs encase it was a certain Laugh and I didn't want the Bald one to start singing stripping songs to him. Because he might be enticed into the way of the Laugh-O-Gram yet.

It was the Ace Gang calling from a phone box.

Rosie said, "Hello, missus, we've got a new rendition of the phone box dance. It is called Phone Box the Remix. Would you like to hear it?"

I was about to say no but they started thudding around like loons anyway. I could here some wooping and whistling in the background. I don't know what they ate for school dinners but it is not normal.

Then Mabs came on the phone, all breathless from dancing, "We are having an Ace Gang meeting at Luigi's at five,"

I said, "Well, that may be a bit of a problem as I am under severe house arrest,"

Then Ro-Ro came back on, "Listen, missus, we have a lot of interrogation to do. I have brought my beard and pipe. So you will be down here five sharp. Pip, pip,"

And she hung up.

Good Grief.

4.30pm

Now how to escape the Baldy-O-Gram…

4.45pm

I hid Uncle Eddie's feather codpiece and made a desperate break for freedom when he went to look for it.

5.00pm

Met the Ace Gang at Luigi's. It was too hot to have a cappuccino (Praise be Lord Sandra!) so we had something called a Frappuchino instead. Jools said all the top models drink them. They just taste half way between cream and ice cream. But thankfully they come with a straw so there is no risk of a moustache incident.

I said, "So what is this meeting about?"

Rosie said, "It is vis-à-vis you and Dave the Skratt as our Reindeer-type chums would say,"

Mabs said, "Has Sven been teaching you Swedish?"

Rosie said, putting on her beard, "Ja, a Viking bride must learn the language of luuurve or Kärlek, as I must learn to call it,"

Jools said, "So, spill, what in the name of PANTS is happening with you and our laughing pal?"

I said, "I can't say,"

Mabs said, "Yes you can. We are the Ace Gang. One for all and all for one,"

I said, "No because whatever I say might get relayed back to Dave the L, via Radio Jas,"

Jas instantly went huffy, "I don't relay stuff to Dave,"

I said, "So how does he know about my nip nip emergency? And the nuddy pants photos? And nip libbling?"

Jools said, "Nip Libbling?!"

Oh, buggeration.

Ellen said, "Does she, mean, um, like you know, when he, err, nibbles, you know, not eats or anything, your lips, like or what?"

We just looked at her.

Mabs said, "Are you going to tell us then? Let your luuurve romps with Dave the Laugh be free?"

I said, "Luuurve Romps?"

Then Rosie leaned across the table so she was about two centimetres from me (Freaky Potatoes). She said, "Let me rephrase that. Are you and Dave official snogging partners?"

Every one looked at me. Like seeing-ear dogs. What am I? A looking at person?

And then I said, "I don't know,"

They were as agog as two gogs. In skirts.

Jas said, "Do you mean that you couldn't smash his egg open like you said you were going to?"

Everyone looked at her like she was mad. Which she is.

Mabs said, "What did he mean a swapsie-role change watsit?"

Ellen said, "And, err, why did you, like, call him, you know, Kittykat? That is, um, what he calls you, isn't it?"

Jools said, "What duties was he talking about?"

They all were looking at me. Rosie had got out her pipe. Blimey O'Reily's trousers.

So I decided to take the Bull by the Horns and said, "Stalking duties. He asked me to stalk him,"

They virtually wet themselves laughing. What?

Jools said, "You are stalking him? Are you officially mad?"

Ellen said, "Why are you, um, like, stalking him? You have, like, going out with, you know, Masimo? Or aren't you?"

I said, "After Dave had a nervy B at me in the corridor and spaz attack at me in the street, I realised that maybe I did have the horn for him. Specific, like,"

Rosie nodded in what she thought (wrongly) was a wise look, "Yes, and you also said that he was the best snog you'd ever had, when we were in the trees,"

Jools said, "The best snog?"

Jas said, "Yes. As I said in the tent after she ate him, they have been snogging behind everyone's backs for ages,"

Thank you, Radio Jas.

Ellen said, "Even, when, like I err me and you know, him, um,"

I said quickly, "Yes, but anyway, when Masimo came back I dumped him,"

The Ace Gang did their (brilliant) impression of some goldfish.

Mabs said, "You dumped Masimo? The Italian Stallion? The Luuurve God? Who is sexicosity personified? Are you bonkers?"

I said, "I like Dave more. In the morning and marched around his house to tell him,"

Jools said, "Ooooh, what did he say?"

I said, "He was asleep. One in the afternoon,"

Rosie said, "Lazy minx,"

I said, "But I woke him up, and after a minor spaz attack and major run-in with his Resident Loons- and by the way his sister is vair, vair scary- I told him that I luuurved him,"

The Ace Gang said, "Aaaaaaaaw,"

I felt quite free and wild. It was relief. But I didn't feel as free and wild as to dance around in my nuddy pants again. Because I would be arrested. But that is fascists for you.

In fact it was the crème de crème wierdosity-wise telling being all open and ad-hoc about Mr. Laugh.

I said, "But he started up this stalking nonsense. He said he was sick of chasing me and I can chase him,"

Rosie, luuurve guru said, "Quite understandable, moi petite luuurve sick-one, poor old Dave has been hankering after you for ages,"

"Hankering?" What planet is she from? Who says hankering any more? Apart from Slim?

Rosie nodded in a serious way. But it is hard to take someone wearing a beard and flat hat seriously.

Jas said, "Yes, Tom says that Dave has really liked you for ages. Because Dave tells him stuff. Because Tom said that they have been mates since they were about six. So Tom knows all this. He said sometimes you really upset him,"

I said, "Well if he bothered to tell me any of this then I could have sorted it out ages ago!"

Jas said, "No you wouldn't have. Because you are so selfish and lax and ignorant and-"

I shoved a napkin in her mouth to shut her up. She immediately jumped onto the huff mobile.

Then Jools said, "How is the stalking-situation type fandango going then?"

I said, "Well, I snogged him yesterday and made him go jelloid. He had to lean on my shoulder,"

And then they all started laughing like loons.

I said, "What?"

And Mabs said, "Do you know what can happen when a boy goes jelloid?!"

And Rosie said, "Oh let her be. Let her figure out the mystery of Trouser Snakes by herself,"

And they all went back to giggling like immature twits. Which they are.

What does Rosie mean the mystery of Trouser Snakes? Is it something I have not learnt not having a serious boyfriend-type person?"

2 minutes later

Oh my Giddy God. They can't mean that.

Can they?

30 seconds later

I am not going to be able to look Dave the Laugh in the eye now.

3 minutes later

Anyway, the nub and gist of the meeting is that the Ace Gang are going to help me stalk Dave tomorrow. Properly. All French resistance in black. Because they are my bestest chummy wummies.

Look out, Mr. Laugh, the Ace Gang rides again!

Again, I apologisey for the shorty chapter. I am being cruelly dragged away for a week by my olds on the torture they call holiday. To Pfelli (I have no idea how to spell it, it is welsh and that speaks for it's self). To stay with my step Nan and gramps. It is five mins a way from a beach. Which is all well and good apart from a) I hate beaches and b) no tinternet. I don't know how I am going to survive…well, it starts with nicking my Dad's laptop…