Sorry for the space between these two chapters, have had a lot on at work recently! Enjoy.
Disclaimer: As much as I hate to admit it, these writings are not for profit and I don't own Lie To Me.
***
She had cleaned the house. Twice. She had re-arranged her cupboards so that their contents were arranged alphabetically. She had cleaned her fridge out; making time to eat a tub of Ben & Jerry's 'Half Baked' with the sole aim of staving off the bout of boredom that had consumed her since she had woken the day after Cal's visit. She had caught up on emails that she had putting off for months due to her recent workload; catching up with friends that she was almost sure had forgotten what she looked like. She had thought about phoning some of them to arrange a lunch or a dinner but for now, she wanted to sort out her house; she didn't need any clutter in her life right now.
Most importantly, she had made the conscious effort to go through the remainder of Alec's belongings, deciding what she could send onto him and what she could get rid of. She had been putting the task off since she had moved, choosing to place the boxes in the far recesses of her storage cupboard. Out of sight, out of mind. Sitting in front of them that morning, she had wondered why she had been so anxious about looking at them; why it had taken her so long to finalise the decision she had made in leaving him. Sifting through the photos, the clothes, the books, the random assortment of ornaments, she had been surprised at how devoid of feelings she had been.
She had expected to feel some kind of pain, some kind of sadness. Instead, all she could feel was a sense of relief at the finality of the action. It felt like she was finally closing a portion of her life that had been, at times, wonderful, at others, disastrous. When she had dropped the pile of belongings at the Salvation Army drop earlier that morning, it had been the lightest she had felt in, if she was entirely honest with herself, more than a year. The proverbial weight that she had been carrying around with her had finally been removed.
Sitting in her living room, a cup of hot chocolate keeping her hands warm, she was surprised to feel tears spring to her eyes. She lifted her hand to wipe the first few away and then realised it was a useless chore; they were falling too fast for her to keep up. It was then she realised that she hadn't allowed herself the freedom of tears; not since Cal had decided that 5am had been appropriate visiting hours but they had been for different reasons. Instead, she knew that these tears were a means of relief for the manner in which she had been holding herself since her divorce. She had been tightly wrapping herself in work to such an extent that she had forgotten what it was like to breathe without feeling her chest hurt with the pressure.
She let herself go.
***
It was a little while before she realised that the tears had stopped. But she chose to sit; it had been too long since she had allowed herself time for quiet reflection. Taking deep breaths, she allowed her lungs to fill with air. It felt wonderful.
***
She had watched four films, choosing those that required as little mental interaction as possible. She had wanted this time for relaxation and she was loathe to give that up.
Approaching the DVD player in order to put on the next film in her chosen pile, her eye caught her reflection in the lighted window. Her hair sat haphazardly around her face, half out of the rushed pony tail that she had fashioned that morning. Wearing a pair of loose sweatpants, a white t-shirt and a baggy cardigan, she thanked the Gods that she wasn't expecting any visitors. She wondered what Cal must have thought when he had arrived and seen her in similar clothing.
She caught herself smiling at her reflection, remembering what it had felt like to be in Cal Lightman's arms. A ball of excitement fizzled in her stomach and she couldn't help but shiver at the memory of his hand resting lightly at the small of her back, firmly holding her in place whilst his mouth had exquisitely explored her own. Once again she found her arms react to the memory, instantly covered in goose-bumps. She took a deep breath, attempting to still her suddenly thumping heart.
She had always known that she couldn't get enough of Cal Lightman: his intellect, his charm, his brash off-handed remarks that had always driven her up the wall but which she couldn't help but secretly smirk at when he wasn't looking, the way in which he stood well within her personal space no matter how unwelcoming she was (but which she had secretly always loved because it allowed her to smell the aftershave that she had always found irresistible), his incessant need to be right and to constantly contradict her even when he eventually realised that she had been in the right, his stubbornness...she realised, not for the first time, that she was overwhelmed by him. He was too much sometimes and he drove her completely crazy but when she remembered how he had been there for her through Alec, through the endless disappointment of attempting to conceive, through the adoption process, through...losing...Sophie, she couldn't help but feel a subtle warmth spread through her body. Couldn't help but want to be right next to him in that moment so that she could show him exactly how grateful she was.
She shivered. It wasn't the time to be thinking about being next to him; she had promised herself, for good reason that she would take the time to think. And she needed to do that.
No matter how much she wanted to drive round to his apartment and just...breathe.
***
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