Shuddup Hill 4: The Retard Version

Chapter 4: Hot Stuff

Henri, once again, woke up in his bed. He glanced down at his wet pants. "Darn… peed in my pants AGAIN!" He groaned. "Strange… why do I keep on wetting my bed? I mean, I haven't even like drank anything for the past five days..." He said, wondering at the strange phenomenon. However, because of his limited intelligence, Henri failed to see the significance behind all of this. Of the many strange things that had happened. Of Sinthia, and the mysterious strange man. And of course, of his constant bed-wetting experience.

He casually brushed off his weird thoughts about the peeing-in-the-pants thing and heads for his wardrobe. Henri swiftly opened the door to his wardrobe and searched through the many clean, and neatly ironed trousers hanging inside. "Hmm... let's see... what to wear... what to wear..." He muttered to himself, as he tapped repeatedly at his chins with his fingers. "Um... let's see here… hmm… there's the blue jeans... and then there's the blue jeans... and another pair of blue jeans over there…" He busily uses his hands to browse through the 287 pairs of IDENTICAL blue jeans in his wardrobe, pondering at which pair of jeans to pick out.

Finally...

"A-H-A!" He finally exclaimed. "I'll just take this pair of blue jeans… tee-hee…"

And so, after he had finish putting on a fresh pair of jeans, Henri immediately made his way to the fridge to get the bottle of expired chocolate milk for Jester, when his doorbell rang.

(Ding Dong!)

Henri looked up from the fridge with his hand still holding on to the expired chocolate milk. "Huh? The doorbell? What's with the doorbell?" He asked silently.

(Ding Dong!)

"Ooh... must be that pizza guy again... tee-hee..." He grinned sheepishly, as he stashed the bottle of milk inside his trousers and rushed over to the door. However, to his greatest disappointment, he saw Eylne and an ugly-looking middle-aged man, through the peephole, standing outside his doorstep.

"Hello? Anybody home?" Eylne shouted. "HELLO?"

"Dammit, its that milk-stealing-shameless bitch Eylne…" Henri thought.

"Alright Eylne... why'd you drag me all the way here for?" The man beside Eylne asked.

"What? Oh... um... I think there's something weird going on inside this apartment..." Eylne told him.

"What do you mean weird?" The man asked, looking at the door suspiciously. "You mean the guy who lived here is weird?"

Henri screamed hysterically, banging furiously at the door from inside, "I'm NOT weird, you bird-brain!"

Of course, the people outside could not hear him.

"No…" Eylne said, rolling her eyes over. "… I meant tha-"

"Ooh... you mean like there's GHOSTS?" The man intercepted.

"G-GHOST? WHAT GHOST? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" Eylne said, almost shouting as she absentmindedly flings both of her hands madly in the air.

She began to hyperventilate.

"Alright bitch… you don't have to over-react… now, calm down…" The man hushed. "Drama queen..."

"Now look here, Rudolph… as I was saying before you mentioned the gh-" Eylne paused. "… are you staring at my boobs again?" She asked.

"Rudolph? What kind of a stupid name is Rudolph, anyway?" Henri thought, behind the closed door.

"Huh? Wha-?" Rudolph looked up at her. "Why, no… of course not, Eylne… ha-ha… um… I-I… I…" Rudolph panicked. "I need to come up with something… hmm… a distraction, that's it! I've got to diversify her attention… and fast! Think Rudolph… THINK!" Rudolph told himself. "Um… Eylne, about the ghost-thing… you see, it was just something that I sort of made up, that's all…"

"Phew! For a moment there, I really thought that this entire apartment was haunted…" Eylne waited for Rudolph to say something. However, all she found was Rudolph staring at her with a look of relief on his face. "Anyway…" She continued. "… when I said there's something weird, I was thinking more about something like aliens and extra-terrestrial stuff like that… you know, like the X-Files, the Twilightzone, and th-"

"You've been watching to much TV, Eylne..." Rudolph interrupted. "Have you been smoking pots lately? Huh? Have you? Dammit Eylne… why didn't you ask me to join in?"

Eylne sweatdrop.

"Rudolph, for your information, I DO NOT smoke pots... you jerk!" Eylne scowled at him. "And even if I did, what made you think I would ask an old freak like you to join me? And what would the other tenants think when they found out that I'm hanging out with you? Huh? I mean, PLLEEEAAAASSSSEEEE... I've got at least some standards in my taste when it comes to the choosing my friends, you know?" Eylne remarked in a smirk way.

"Why you bitc-" Rudolph screamed angrily, as he reached for her neck.

"WAIT! Listen…" Eylne hushed, raising her left had up. "Do you hear something?"

Rudolph stopped midway, with both his hands just inches away from Eylne's throat. "WHAT?"

"I don't know… that's why I asked you…" She said.

Rudolph sweatdrop.

"By the way, Rudolph... can you see anything from over your apartment opposite?"

"Huh? Opposite apartment? What the hell is she talking about? Wait a second… that name, Rudolph... sounds kinda familiar... " Henri thought. Suddenly, his eyes brightened up. "Of course... Rudolph BrainDead! That guy who lived opposite of me..."

"Well, everything seems normal enough to me..." Rudolph replied, as-a-matter-of-factly.

"Like duh! Tell me something I don't know, Rudolph..." She continued, rolling her eyes over.

"What?" Rudolph quirked annoyingly. "What do you want me to tell you? Oh, do you want me to tell you if he is cute and hot? Or do you want me to let you know if he walks around the apartment stark naked? Huh? Huh? Is that it? Huh? Eylne?" Rudolph quizzed sarcastically.

Silence.

"So, is he?"

"Who?"

"The guy who lives here... Henri." She said, pointing to Henri's apartment.

"I don't know... but if you ask me, I think he is gay..." Rudolph said.

"WHAT?" Henri and Eylne shouted, almost simultaneously.

"Well, now that you've mentioned… he DO looked kinda gay…" Eylne sighed. "Damn, no wonder he doesn't even bother to look at me, not even at my breasts, everytime when I purposely bumped into him along the hallway..."

"WHAT THE HELL? WELL, IT'S BECAUSE YOU ARE DOWNRIGHT FUCKING UGLY... THAT'S WHY!" Henri shouted, banging angrily at the door."…AND YOU SMELL… BITCH!

"You mean you PURPOSELY let him bump into you in the hallway just so that you could let him stare at your sexy body?" Rudolph asked.

"Yeah…" She replied.

"Whore..." Rudolph thought.

Moments later...

Henri returned back to the forest world. He then approached Jester, who was still there standing by the porch of the house. As usual, he was still talking to himself.

"So, still communicating with your 'imaginary friend', I presume?" Henri chuckled.

"H-huh? W-what?" Jester replied, looking at him like a complete moron.

"I should have known... mum always told me NOT to talk to strangers... especially the weird ones..." He thought, as he slapped his hand at his forehead. Saying aloud, "Um, nothing... forget about it... here's your chocolate milk."

"O-oh, g-goody g-gosh... c-chocolate milk... my f-favorite... y-yummy..." Jester jeered, reaching his hands out to grab the bottle from Henri's hand and he immediately took a sip from the bottle.

Henri began to ask, "So, what's th-"

"BLECH! W-what the f-fuck is t-this? T-taste funny..." Jester spat.

"Well, its (cough) expired (cough) chocolate milk... like you wanted..." Henri replied, looking away.

Jester frown. He then stare at the chocolate milk in his hand once again and shrugged before he continued to drown the entire contents from the bottle. "Ooh... ooh... the... ooh... (gulp) c-chocolate m-milk... ooh... (gulp) tastes... ooh... f-funny..."

Henri stomped at his foot impatiently, looking at Jester drinking at the expired milk. "So, what's the thing that guy gave you?"

Jester looked up, halfway from the drinking of the disgusting expired milk, with tears brimming in his eyes, "T-this milk r-really t-tastes funny... and I... I-I t-think I-I'm gonna t-throw up..."

"Whatever..." Henri entertained him. "Now, hand over that thing this instance!"

Jester could no longer take it anymore. The expired drink was beginning to make him sick. He quickly tossed the item to Henri and ran over to one corner to puke his guts out.

The item struck Henri straight in his face. "OUCH, DAMMIT!" Henri screamed. He then picked up the item from the floor for closer inspection. To his disappointment, it was just a mere rusty spade. "What the hell? After all this trouble of running around to get the milk, and all I've got is a... SPADE?" Henri fluttered.

Jester was still vomiting in the background.

"Dammit! When I'm done with everything, I'm gonna make sure to dig you a grave with this fucking spade for making me running around, and looking like a fool..." He thought, staring angrily at Jester.

"N-no… t-there's something w-written at the b-back…" Jester finally said, through his vomit-stained mouth, before he went back to his vomiting.

"Really?" Henri quickly looked at the back of the spade and like what Jester had told him, there was indeed something written, in glossy purple paint, on the rusty surface of the tool.

"Opposite the cursed rendezvous point of the filthy, polluted lake (also known as the so-called 'special place' of that fucking Jaimes and his beloved dead wife) and the run-down house, look inside the scrawny pathetic hand that lay openly for you to step on, on the fertilized ground"

"What the hell? And who the fuck is Jaimes, anyway?" He exclaimed. Henri sighed and shook his head helplessly. Nothing that had happened made any sense. "Wait… what if all of this was just a silly prank? I mean, maybe Eylne and Rudolph had pretended not to hear my pig-like pathetic screams… and maybe that Sinthia bitch was just a paid actress… or maybe…"

And so, the list of 'maybe's went on and on and on in his head. Henri was slowly losing his sanity counting at the endless possibilities. "If it REALLY was a prank, then that Sinthia bitch's a damn good actress. I mean, her death was so real… the vomit all over her… the gore…I could have sworn I saw her intestines spilling out from her rectum." He snickered. "But who the sick bastard would plan for such a prank?"

Prank or not, Henri naively decided to follow what was instructed on the spade. And so, Henri left Jester, who was still vomiting non-stop, to look for the stupid location as mentioned on the rusty spade, and headed for the forest.

Henri really had no idea that his decision had sealed his unfortunate fate in encountering more idiotic and many other senseless, stupid humor that were to come.

After hours of bashing through the heavily forested jungle, encountering more fairies, chased after by the sex-craved gay purple Teletubby, more killing of the fairies, and bashing through even more trees and bushes later…

Henri whistled loudly as he walked along the forested path when suddenly, he felt something grabbed at his ankle and screamed.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He whined like a girl.

With a very pale face, Henri quickly squirmed aside and looked at the ground. It was then that he saw a weird-looking thing that somehow resembled that of a leg, sprawled from underground. "What the-?" It was then that he suddenly remembered about the strange purple message that was written on the spade. Henri re-called, "Opposite the cursed rendezvous point… the filthy, polluted lake… the run-down house… the scrawny pathetic hand that lay openly for you to step on the fertilized ground…"

He stopped. "Wait… if it's a hand, then why does this fucking thing look like a leg to me?" The stupid man thinks aloud. "Oh, whatever… they should be the same, I guess…" And so, the pathetic fool quickly put his spade into good use and started to dig at the soil underneath the leg-like shaped object on the ground.

Hours of digging later…

"WHAT? AFTER ALL THE DIGGING AND ALL I'VE MANAGED TO FIND IS THIS FUCKING CHICKENBONE?" He screamed. Then from the corner of his eye, Henri suddenly saw a hand-shaped root sprouting out from under a pile of smelly cow dung, next to the location he was digging.

"Dammit! I've dug the wrong place!" He cried. Henri then crawled out of the 10-feet deep hole, which he had dug, and he immediately started to dig at the smelly cow dung.

Many more hours of digging later…

"Woo-hoo… finders keepers, losers weepers!" He cheered. Henri then used his hand to pull out the buried object from inside the exposed soil. After inspecting the object, Henri realized that it was a purple hairclip with the picture of the purple Teletubby printed on it. Henri felt insulted, uncleaned and obviously being used. "What the fuck am I suppose to use this disgusting hairclip on?" He thought.

It took him five hours, twenty-six minutes and eleven seconds later to realize that he could make use of this hairclip to pick on the lock on the door of the Dorky House. Henri beamed happily and he immediately made his way back to the house. However, unknown to him, there was a curse which was being put upon on the hairclip by the owner of the hairclip – yes, by Tinky Winky.

Henri soon found himself walking round and round the forest. And he found himself going around circles. To make matters worse, the place had suddenly shrouded itself with heavy fog and the whole place smelt like fart. Henri was beginning to feel nauseated. "What's wrong with this place? I can't seem to find my way back to the Dorky House and… wait! Haven't I already passed this stupid tree before?" He stopped to stare at the familiar-looking tree right next to him with the crude drawing of a naked purple Teletubby with its private parts exposed. "Eewww... Damn, I think I'm walking around in circles…" He thought.

Henri was beginning to feel the drain of his energy, after walking around the place non-stop. He then decided to take a rest under a nearby tree. As he sat there doing practically nothing except feeding the many mosquitoes, Henri took out the purple Teletubby hairclip to dig at his teeth.

Suddenly, in the midst of digging his teeth, Henri realized that there were some super, ultra, fine wordings carved on the hairclip. He then took the hairclip out of his bloody mouth and placed it close to his eyes for a closer look at the wordings.

"If you do manage to dig up our Lord's favorite purple hairclip, be sure to personally return it to its rightful owner... Yes, to Tinky Winky... Or else, at least do have the brain and decency to kindly stash it far away… far away inside some place dark, scary, and eerie… and did I mentioned that the place has to be dark? Anyway, failure to comply on doing so and you will never… and I say NEVER be able to escape from this enchanting forest… Muwahahahaha…"

The first thing in his mind was that he was truly amazed at the fact a hairclip so small could contain so many words. Not to mention, he was even more appalled by the fact that he was able to even read every of the individual tiny word on the hairclip without any difficulty. However, his excitement soon turned to despair when he realized that there was now no way for him to return back to the Dorky House now. At least, not with the hairclip in his possession.

Henri racked his brain at the options. "Oh man… do I really have to return this hairclip to that fucking gay-ish Tinky Winky? But that's unethical and its immoral… I mean, the Teletubbies are mean and evil… and I hate the way that Tinky Winky looked at my body with lust in its eyes… eewww… no way am I going to meet up with that freaky creature." He grunted. Henri then continued to consider at the alternative option. "Hmm… maybe I could do something about this hairclip without having to come into contact with those sickening Teletubbies…"

Then, something struck him. Henri realized that in order for him to be able to make his way back to the Dorky House, he could return back to his own apartment and drop it off at the storage box and pick it up again from another location.

Satisfied with the solution, Henri began to desperately search for a 'Teleport' hole around the area so that he could travel back to his apartment. He began to search high and low, left and right, up and down the forest, through the unbearable fart-y stench and smoky fog before he finally managed to find a hole on a wall towards the far end of the forest.

However, just as he was about to make his way towards the hole, a fairy sudden popped out of nowhere.

"AH! I see that you've found Lord Tinky Winky's favorite hairclip…" Fairy random number 256 said.

"Buzz off, you flying bitch… I've already killed many of your sisters and I shall not hesitate to kill one more, and that is you, if you do not leave me alone." Henri warned.

"Ha-ha… you pathetic mortal…" Fairy random number 256 challenged. "I'm far more better skilled and clever than fairy random number 628 and fairy random number 914 that you have killed. Do you think I'm scared by your mere girly threats?"

"What? You damn fairies even have code numbers?" Henri asked.

"Ha-ha… why, of course! We even have our own personal barcodes, serial numbers, birth certificates…" Fairy random number 256 told him.

"Sounds really stupid, if you ask me… ha-ha…" Henri joked. "Now get the fuck away..."

At this point, fairy random number 256 was so pissed by the sarcastic remarks that she began to attack him. Henri immediately retaliated by grabbing at her legs and pulling her wings out. Fairy random number 256 screamed in pain. Henri continued by breaking her hands and twisting her legs in two before finally throwing fairy random number 256 onto the ground, as she wreathed in pain.

"Ouch… ouch… pain… pain…" Fairy Random Number 256 cried.

Henri decided to spare her life and he stopped his murderous assaults. However, as he was about to walk away, he accidentally tripped over a rock and his right foot landed on the body of the fairy. The impact crushed the fairy to death instantly, and spilling all her intestines and guts all over the ground.

"Oops… sorry!" Henri gestured, apologetically.

Henri then wiped his shoe off of the remains of the fairy's bloody intestines at the nearby grass patch before he continued to proceed ahead and squeeze himself into the damn hole.

After waking up back in his apartment and changing into yet another clean set of trousers…

Henri quickly ran towards the storage box in the living room to safe keep the purple hairclip before he made his way back into the bathroom and squeezed his fat-tub-of-lard body through the hole on the wall.

Moments later…

Henri finally managed to successfully return to the Dorky House with the hairclip in his possession. As he approached the house, he saw Jester sitting by the stairs, clutching hard at his tummy and groaning in pain.

"What's wrong, Jester? You look like shit…" Henri asked.

"I-I… I… m-my tummy h-hurts l-like s-shit…" Jester stuttered in absolute pain.

"Hey, it wasn't me… I swear, really… I gave you chocolate milk… not poison!" Henri quickly responded, but somehow with uncertainty. Henri wasn't even sure if expired milk is poisonous. "Hey, can't blame me… that's the only bottle of chocolate I have… blame it on that fucking bitch Eylne for stealing all my other fresh milk, if you want to…" He thought.

"W-what? H-henri, did y-you j-just say s-something?" Jester spoke, through gritted teeth, enduring at the pain of his tummy.

"Huh? Who? Me?" Henri panicked and looked away, afraid of having eye contact with Jester. "Um… no…" He said.

"O-okay…" Jester moaned, weakly.

"Ooh… look what I've got here… a hairclip!" Henri awed, as he walked over to show Jester the hairclip in his hand.

"Oh-" Before Jester could finish his sentence, he vomited again. This time on Henri's shoes.

"AHHHHHHHHHH! Dammit, Jester…!"

Henri whacked his shoes on Jester's face to clean away the dirty and smelly slim. He curses and swears under his breath as he moved away from Jester and proceeded to pick on the lock on the door of the Dorky House.

(Click)

Henri managed to successfully unlock the door and entered it. Jester, seeing Henri entering the forsaken house, decided to follow.

"M-maybe I c-could find more c-chocolate m-milk inside…" Jester thought.

Henri slowly walked around the poorly lit interior of the Dorky House. As he was looking through the surrounding, he was almost knocked over by Jester, who had barged into the house eagerly searching for chocolate milk.

"Damn you, Jester!" Henri scolded.

Jester simply turned his head around and smiled like an idiot at him. "U-um… s-sorry, H-henri…"

With that, Jester continued to run towards the end of the house and disappeared shortly after turning around the corner.

Henri continued to look around the place. The entire environment was in a total wreck. Tables were overturned. Chairs were smashed. And the windows were broken. "Wait a minute, the windows were broken? Dammit, why didn't I think of coming in through the windows earlier?" Henri said aloud.

"B-because y-you are s-stupid?" Jester said, with his head popping out from the corner of the wall at the far end of the room.

"Very funny, Jester…" Henri replied, sarcastically.

Having said that, Jester once again disappeared and Henri continued to scan through the wreckage for any clues of some sort when he found a piece of memo lying on the floor.

"Have you found that pesky little bitch… godammit, what's her name? Alice-in-Wonderland? Or was it Rumplestilskin? Whatever… and how is that weirdo Wolter taking it after he's been rejected and laughed at by that Sinthia bitch for the ninety-eighth time? Anyway, submit a progress report to me!"

"What the fuck?" Henri threw away the piece of paper in disgust and continued to explore the rest of the place, but none of the doors seemed to work. They were either broken or locked. Henri got no other options left but to head towards the direction where Jester had went earlier.

Somehow, he managed to find a piece of paper on the floor and picked it up.

"The Holy Recipe of Crap (a.k.a. Holy Crap)

The Second Sign

And the Dog said,

Offer the foul dishes of the Ten Chosen Ones

And pass the salt

Then, simply remove the bones from the flesh of the chicken, and

Gain the title of Master Chef of the Kitchen.

From the pots and pans, bring forth the olive oil, and grill thyself with

Desert for the Provider of Dumbness

The ThirdSign

And the Dog said,

Place the Stove through the Chef's Boob-alicious recommendation.

Under the Peeping eye of the Chef, walking around by himself

with disgusting Cooties, only then will all the Four

Delicacies be served on the same plate."

Henri was totally baffled at the message. "The DOG? I didn't know dogs could talk? Sheesh, what kind of crappy recipe is this anyway? It just doesn't even make any sense." He retorted.

Suddenly, a blood-chilling and pathetic cry could be heard coming from the nearby closed door.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Holy-Dickhead! What the hell was that?" Henri turned his head around to see faint smoke coming out through the gaps of the door behind him. Henri sniffed around. "Jester? JESTER? Are you inside? I smell burning meat inside… Jester, what's cooking?"

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Henri slowly walked towards the closed door, attempting to open it when he found a familiar-looking card stuck on the door. He reached out to pull the card out from its resting place to see that it had a cheesy picture of a man with his naked butt in flame. At the bottom of the card were the words, "Stove Placard".

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Henri immediately looked up. "Alright, alright already… I'm coming… save some of the barbequed meat for me, okay?" He said, as he hurriedly stuffed the card inside his pocket and proceeded to enter into the room.

Inside the room, Henri saw Jester jumping up and down, squirming on the floor like a worm, and turning round and round like a ballerina as his whole body bursts into flame.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Cool… the famous legendary Fire Dance…" Henri cheered, as he clapped at his hands. "Go Jester, Go!"

"H-henri… h-help!" Jester pleaded. "P-pain… pain…"

"Huh? What are you talking about?"

"H-henri… I'm b-burning up… h-help me… p-please…" Jester cried.

"You mean, you are not doing the legendary Fire Dance?

"N-no..."

"So, how the hell did you manage to catch fire?" Henri asked.

"J-just put o-out t-the fire a-already, H-henri…" Jester screamed, obviously in pain.

"Alright…" He replied annoying, as he looked around the place for any extinguishers. "By the way, since you are the one on fire, I assume there was never any barbeque meat in the first place? Right?"

"Y-yes…"

"Dammit!"

"H-henri?"

"What?" Henri said, looking up in disappointment.

"T-the fire… H-hurry... P-PUT O-OUT THE F-FIRE ON M-ME A-ALREADY!"

"Ooh… right!"

He immediately grasped a bucket of liquid from the far corner of the room and tossed its contents over at Jester.

(SPLASH!)

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Jester screamed madly. The fire on Jester suddenly became much bigger this time. Henri saw Jester running around the room in circles with both his hands swinging madly in the air and screaming in a frenzy state.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Huh? What the-" Henri wondered. He then lifted the bucket up for a closer inspection on the wordings written on the exterior of the bucket.

"WARNING! Highly flammable machinery lubricant with extra pig lard concentrate. Handle with extreme care and caution!"

Henri sweatdrop.

"Ha-ha… um… OOPS!" Henri gulped.

Henri immediate ran over to Jester and used his leg to stamp it hard on Jester's burning body. It took him great strength and exhaustion, and lots of stamping before he finally managed to put out the burning flame on Jester.

The body of Jester lay on the floor motionless, in complete black crisp, looking dazed.

"Jester, what the hell happened? Didn't your mother ever tell you not to play with fire?" Henri said. "Fires are bad, you know that? Fires are bad!"

"I-its him… I-I've f-finally saw h-him… he s-stole m-my t-third limited e-edition T-teletubbies collection a-and s-set me o-on f-fire… t-that b-bastard..." Jester muttered before he breathed his last breath.

"What guy? Is it the same guy Sinthia saw? Who is he? WHO IS HE? WHHOOO?" Henri screamed. "Jester? Hello? Jester, answer me, dammit! JESTER, STOP PLAYING DEAD ALREADY!"

Then, Henri saw the number 17121 appeared on Jester's chest and suddenly, everything faded to white.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own the Teletubbies, X-Files, Twhilightzone, E.T, Alice in Wonderland, and Rumplestilskin.

A/N: Woo-hoo... I'm back. I would like to thank Saddened Soul, Sydon, Renticing, Toxic-fairy, PiercedByWolf'sEyes, James Birdsong, and Shaderem X.

Hope you'll all enjoy the latest chapter of Shuddup Hill 4: The Retard Version. Thank you.