A/N: I know it's been a while, but I'm still here, don't worry I haven't died.
Chapter 4: Rules of Sexual Intercourse
"Ginny!?" Harry sputtered in shock. Ginny's face turned red as she noticed Harry.
"Well, we don't all have a small fortune left to us by our dead parents, Harry," She said rolling her eyes and taking off her pink fuzzy bathrobe. Luna disrobed as well, each of them revealing lacy black lingerie.
"Ron will be so pissed," Harry hissed at her.
"Ron has his own skeletons in the closet," Ginny said raising her eyebrows and looking pointedly at Luna.
"Luna?" Harry asked befuddled, "Ron and Luna?"
"No you moron, strippers, strippers in general."
"Oh," Harry nodded.
"Stop with the talk! I'm not paying you to talk them into heterosexuality!" Snape barked casting a quick spell. Cheesy porno-music started drifting from the tip of his wand. Ginny pushed Harry backwards into a chair and Luna did the same with Draco.
"Hang on!" Draco shouted, "Would you mind horribly if we traded?"
"Traded?" Harry asked.
"I'm just not that in to blondes," He explained.
"You have blonde hair,"
"Opposites attract."
"You're gay, what does it matter?" Harry retorted.
"No he is not!" Snape shouted angrily. He wrenched Ginny from where she was grinding on Harry and threw her at Draco. "Lovegood!" He shouted pointing at Harry. Luna looked around bewildered for a second. "Luna Lovegood."
"Oh, me." She said nodding in understanding, "You've never called me by my last name before Severus," Luna said raising an eyebrow seductively. Snape coughed giving her an angry glare.
"I don't know what you're talking about." Snape hissed.
"Well last night you called me your dirty little-"
"Enough! Enough! I'm paying you to dance for Potter!" Snape interrupted eyes wide. Draco smirked as Luna, once again, looked around in confusion. "Harry! Harry Potter." Snape yelled his face turning a dark red in anger.
"That's not what you called him last night either," Luna said with a giggle bouncing over to where Harry sat. "Tell me, Harry, are you gay or bisexual?" Luna asked bluntly.
"Er- what do you mean?"
"Well, that's what Snape hires us for, the gay and bisexual, thinks we can turn them straight, but see, if you're gay I'll act really masculine, rough you about. If you're bisexual; well, then it's up to you whether you want to be the man or the woman."
"What about, erm…"
"Asexual? Well then I just have you sit on my and I use my hands to-"
"No!-er no, I'm not asexual, I just have a different… er… preference…" Harry's cheeks turned a deep red as Luna's eyes widened.
"I won't pee on you."
"Not that."
"Oh good, I'm just not into it, it's too messy, I'm up for about anything else though…"
"What about… role-playing…?" Harry asked slowly.
"Oh yeah, whatever you like, nurse and patient, dirty secretary, student and professor, though Severus is better at that one…"
"None of those…" Harry mumbled slowly.
"Oh, Jesus, Harry! Would you just tell her, so she can do the job and we can get out of here? We have other customers you know," Ginny shouted angrily as she grinded in the middle of a Snape and Draco sandwich.
"I like, er…"
"Horses." Ginny finished rolling her eyes. "He gets turned on by horses."
"Horses?" Luna, Draco and Snape all asked in unison.
"Why do you think I dumped his ass?" Ginny sputtered, "I'm not going to prance around playing horse."
"Ginny!" Harry shouted angrily.
"Well, I'm not."
"But it's perfectly ok for you to ask me to pretend to be fucking Tom Riddle?" Harry argued angrily, "He tried to kill us but he turns you on."
"I like dark and mysterious, that's not as bad as bestiality."
"It's not bestiality! It's…. Love… Inter-creatural Love."
"You're a creepy horse loving, unicorn fucking, freak."
"Well, well, you're a whore!" Harry shouted in defense. Ginny snickered rolling her eyes.
"Is that supposed to be news to me?" Snape, Draco and Luna rolled their eyes giving each other knowing glances. "What you think I was off doing while you were reading Magical Beasts and Where to Find Them?" Harry gasped angrily.
"You cheated on me!?"
"It was love, Multiple Person Love." Ginny mocked.
"Alright, alright! ENOUGH!" Snape shouted, "As much as we all like to hear about your failed relationship, I am not paying for you two sexual freaks to argue! I expect more from your services Ginevra." Ginny nodded at this and started running her hands all over Snape erotically.
"Now, boys, what sort of… erm.. Being do you want to have sexual intercourse with?" Snape asked as Luna wiggled her chest in Harry's face, neighing in her best horse impression.
"Erm… girls?" Draco asked unsure.
"Correct!" Snape said nodding and grabbing Ginny's ass. "And what type of creatures are not erotically pleasing?"
"Men?" Harry asked as Luna got down on all fours and started prancing the floors with Harry looking longingly after her.
"Correct, and?"
"Animals." Draco answered.
"Well, I can validate sleeping with veelas, and vampires, and the occasional house elf, but other than that, correct." Snape answered. "Is that clear?" Harry and Draco nodded in unison.
"Now I expect you boys to each take one of these young ladies to your rooms and take part in sexual intercourse," Snape ordered.
"Can I just use Hermione?" Harry asked, thinking secretly of her great horse impressions.
"Fine, then, er, Luna stay here with me… we have some matters of our own to, er, discuss…" Snape ordered.
A/N: Review?