Chapter Four: Learning to Cope
Ianto walked slowly out of the Tourist Information Centre and gazed out over the Bay.
It was late, and the moon was reflecting beautifully off the water. For once it was a clear night. There was no one around, so Ianto let a build up of tears fall. Only they didn't fall. He was dead. He had no tears.
The fact that he was dead had finally sunk in.
Where had it all gone wrong? He was 25. By this age, a normal person would be living their career dream, or happily married, perhaps expecting a child.
But Ianto Jones was not normal. He worked for Torchwood.
24 hours ago he died; a death that he was now living. A death he would continue to live, for a very long time.
Living? No, this isn't living. He couldn't eat or drink. His body would not heal itself again, if it was broken.
Broken. Ianto was broken.
Ianto continued to walk. He had no idea where he would go. His flat maybe? No. That would be too obvious. Jack would come looking for him, there.
Ianto suddenly didn't care where. He just wanted to get away. He continued walking, going wherever his feet lead him.
After what felt like a millennium, Ianto found himself at the end of a pier.
Sighing, he sat down on the edge, his shoed feet skimming the surface of the water.
Ianto shivered, despite it being a rather warm night. He shivered because he knew he was alone; alone in every sense possible. He shivered because he was cold. He would always be cold.
That was what death did to you.
Time moved in large chunks; passing both slowly and quickly. Ianto continued to stare down into the depths of the bay. He didn't want the darkness to swallow him up, like it did the bottom of the bay. He wasn't ready for this. Death was just something forced upon him.
Something he had no desire to accept.
Ianto was scared.
There were so many unanswered questions. So many unknowns. There always had been, working with Torchwood. But now the unknowns were happening to him.
And that scared the crap out of him.
* * * * *
All too soon, the sun peeked out from behind the horizon.
Ianto was still at the end of the pier when Jack found him. Did the man ever get any sleep?
"Ianto?" he approached cautiously.
No reply.
"It's freezing out here, are you ok?"
"Jack, I'm dead. The cold doesn't affect me." Ianto replied harshly.
"You know what I meant." Jack replied, coming to sit beside the Welshman.
"Yeah…I did." He admitted softly, too tired and lonely to argue and push Jack away.
They sat together in silence, watching the sun slowly rise over the city, bringing with it a new day.
Jack lightly placed his hand on Ianto's, who looked up at his Captain.
"I'm here for you, Yan." He whispered.
"I'm sorry, Jack." Ianto choked on non-existent tears and suddenly wrapped his arms around Jack in a forgiving hug. "I'm sorry for being angry at you, for yelling at you, for letting my horrid feeling out like that."
"You have nothing to be sorry for." Jack assured him. "It should be me apologising."
Ianto said nothing and merely burrowed his head further into Jack's shoulder, sniffling. Jack continued.
"I was the one who brought you back. I should have known you would be upset. It's just…" he broke off.
Ianto pulled himself out of the embrace, looked into the older man's eyes and wondered if it was possible to show so many emotions in a single eye. Love. Hope. Concern. Trust. Wonder. Sadness. Joy. So many emotions.
"Yes, Jack?" Ianto enquired.
"It's just," he found the strength to continue, "I wasn't ready to give up on you. I didn't want to lose someone I love again. I wasn't ready to lose you again."
"Again?" Ianto frowned.
Shit. A flicker of agony and anguish crossed his face and Jack kicked himself for slipping up. Of course he had lost Ianto before. He'd lost everyone. But mentioning that year had not been in his plan.
"Jack?" Ianto said, almost pleading, "What is it?"
Jack looked into Ianto's face. A face he loved with all his heart. A face he would trust to the end of the world.
Jack shuddered and began the story of The Year That Never Was.
* * * * *
Tears fell unceremoniously down Jack's face when he finished. Instinctively, Ianto's thumb reached up to caress his cheek before wiping them away.
"Shhh," he hushed, cradling a sobbing Jack in his arms, "It's over now. It'll all ok. I'm here. I'm always going to be here. Shhh."
The two of them comforted each other at the end of the pier. Their silhouetted figures were ignored by any passing people.
Jack lay in his lovers arm for a few more moments, finally letting the pains, of that year, go. "I'm sorry, Jack for everything that happened to you." He whispered, caringly.
"I know, Yan." His muffled reply was still chocked up with tears.
Jack left the comfort of Ianto's arms once he had stopped the heart-wrenching sobs.
"You can't ever tell anyone, Ianto." He said seriously. "I don't want anyone else to know what really happened that year."
Ianto nodded solemnly, "I understand, Jack."
Jack nodded again and gazed out over the bay one last time before getting up.
"Come on." He said, putting on his normal demeanour and grinning down at Ianto. "The others will be wondering where we are."
Ianto nodded and accepted Jack's hand to lift him up. Their hands remained grasped as they walked back along the pier and began the short trip back to the Hub.
* * * * *
There was no warning when Ianto's world went dark.
"Jack!?" he yelled, flailing around in the dark nothingness, scared. "Jack!? Where are you? What's going on? Jack!"
"Ianto?" Jack asked as a dead weight pulled on his arm.
He turned to find Ianto standing still and dropped his hand.
"Oh no. Ianto!" he cried out, worried. "No, please no. Nothing like this!"
"Melenkurion abatha, duroc minas mill khabaal!" Ianto replied flatly.
His eyes were no longer the gorgeous blue they once were. There wasn't even any life in them.
Ianto's eyes were black and lifeless. Dead.