Chapter 4 – He's here.
"Internal bleeding. We have to have an OR prepped for when we get to the hospital. I will do the surgery. She has a head injury. Her leg is broken. The bone has penetrated the muscle and skin in the front of her calf. Bella is in for a rough recovery but that's what comes when you drive down a private road." A twinkling voice said. This time it was Carlisle. We were in an ambulance, I could feel us moving. I looked around the interior. Where was my bike? Was it still crashed into the wall? What was happening at the funeral? What was with all the questions?
Trucks pulled up on the cliff and ten humungous men jumped out of them. They rushed around pulling equipment out of the back of the trucks. And I stood there numb, staring down at the water. Expecting bubbles to appear at any moment but none did. The men were geared up in diver's outfits. I paled they were going down there to get Jake. They expected to find him dead. I couldn't watch this, or could I? Could I watch them pull him out, could I wait for them to tell me he was dead or did I already know? It had been about forty-five minutes since Jacob dove off the cliff and there was no sign of him. The pack was huddled in a circle. Sam and Jared had come up just as the divers had arrived and they were already dry. Warm through. I felt icy.
I watched Paul stand and run into the trees, Sam stood to call him back but he was already gone. The leaves stirred and I realised he had fazed. He couldn't come back now unless he had removed his clothes before he fazed, they would be ripped to shreds if he hadn't and he could hardly return naked.
"What was that about Sam?" I asked hesitantly. Sam's brow furrowed and he turned to me with a grim expression, I didn't like that.
"Some of us think that Jake is gone, that he drowned but we don't want to believe it yet," Sam's voice wobbled and he turned away from me and stared across the water.
"Paul believes it already," I mumbled. I definitely felt cold right through, now. It was like the wind had been knocked out of me. Sam nodded gravely, I nodded and turned slowly towards the trees. Glaring deep into the heart. Jared touched my arm and I winced.
"Jake will. . ." Jay trailed off as I spun around.
"He'll what Jay, he'll be fine?" I yelled desperately. Jared's eyes softened and he pulled me into a hug. Sobs rose in my throat and I sobbed into his shirt. Soaking the front.
Apparently if he had not imprinted on Kim, Jared might have asked me out. I wouldn't have objected. I really liked Jared and if Jake hadn't have come along. I would probably have gone with him as well.
He knew me almost as well as Jake did.
A wolfs heartbroken howl filled the trees and the cliff. We all looked towards the trees. Paul was in pain he though Jake was dead, to him his pack had been torn apart and it hurt. It was like losing a brother to him, to them. I watched Jared wince.
"Paul will be okay, when Jake finds out he thought he was dead, he'll be pissed." Quil joked. I sobbed. What if Jake wasn't okay and that seemed more of a possibility every second that had passed. The divers had been down there now for two hours. And I was getting more and more anxious. I pulled away from Jared and paced the top of the cliff.
"We have to phone Billy." I said and my voice cracked. Oh god Billy would be crushed, his wife and then his son. Two people dieing. His two daughters never visited if they could help it and he would be on his own if, if.
"Embry ring Billy, explain. Bella I will take your truck and get him up here." Sam ordered frantically. Obviously they all sensed the situation was grave. Because they all tensed visibly at Sam's tone of voice. My chest clenched.
There were trays on a table beside me. I turned my head sideways to see what was on it. Mostly trauma instruments and of course first aid stuff. There was gauze, needles and special thread for stitches. There were drugs to put you to sleep. Um, Anaesthetic. There were pain killers as well. A machine was flashing behind it and the wires trailed along the floor. I followed the wires and saw they led to me. Oh I was being monitored. Sensors were stuck to my chest. Joy. I wanted to rip them off.
"Her heart rate is dropping and her pulse is all over the place." One of the paramedics yelled to Carlisle. Was it I hadn't noticed I felt fine. I was relaxed and not in complete agony like I had been all day.
"Blue light," Carlisle shouted to the driver and for once he didn't sound calm. He was worried and anxious. Was I really in that much danger. Well now that he mentioned it. I felt dizzy like something was pressing on the inside of my skull and my insides hurt.
"Carlisle," I croaked. No answer. Had he heard me he must have done. I would try later. There were no windows in the ambulance, the only one was out the front and I couldn't see it. I wanted to see the trees. Carlisle was wearing casual clothes. He must have come straight from his house. Oh, I had disrupted his time with his family. I hissed through my teeth as one of the paramedics did something to my leg.
Sam pulled up in my van with Billy beside him. I froze. Oh crap. Billy was here now and this whole situation had just got worse. The divers had found Jake and. I stared out at the setting sun and sobbed. A dog barked in the distance and wind swirled around us fast and cold. He was saying goodbye and I hated it.
"No! No, no" I screamed at the ocean at the sun at the sky. Sam lifted Billy out of the truck and into his wheel chair.
"Bella," Jared mumbled and put his arms around me, blocking out the sun.
The divers had emerged from the water about fifteen minutes ago; they had said that Jake had been found. Jacob was on the bottom, floating, lifeless. His eyes wide open. I had screamed when they told me that. Screamed so loud that everyone covered there ears. I had pummelled the diver's chest and shouted at him. Jake was dead, he was dead, he was dead. They told me his mouth was wide open and he was mouthing a word. A name. I felt sick, sick to my stomach. Sick of the sun and this whole stinking planet. Jacobs's leg was caught in a net and it looked as if he had been trying to get himself out because the net was ripped but the strangest thing was that he was naked. Well that's what they said; it wasn't strange to me or the pack. It just told us that he had fazed and fazed back when he, he . . . he died. When the last bit of air left his lunges.
I sobbed. I could hear Billy's wheel chair moving over the gravel and I flinched. I didn't want to face him, not now. I was soaking Jared's shirt again but he didn't seem to mind and tangled his fingers in my hair. I held onto him tightly.
"It isn't fair, Jay," I whispered my voice wobbling dramatically. Jay tightened his arms around me and buried his face in my hair. Moving his hands to my waist and holding me tight.
"I know believe me, he's like my brother Bells," Jared's voice cracked. It was bothering them too I had to remind myself of that. I couldn't be selfish and think I was the only one being ripped apart from the inside. But I was probably the only one who hated the sun and the sea and was in complete darkness now. My sun was gone, Jake was dead.
I couldn't except that as hard as I tried, I couldn't adjust to that idea. My mind just spat it back out whenever I began to register it properly. He was dead but I couldn't believe that he was completely gone.
I had a mask over my mouth and I pulled it off in disgust.
"Hey Doc, I didn't know you were paramedic as well." I murmured. He smiled.
"Yes Bella. I'm trained in most medical fields." He explained. Wow he was a brain whiz. I felt weird. I must be drugged up to my eye balls.
"I'm sorry Doc; I didn't know the road was private. Do you live down there?" I asked. My eyes closed with out my permission and I forced them open. We were definitely in an ambulance. When had that happened I couldn't remember being put in an ambulance. I must have passed out. Carlisle smiled briefly and injected me with morphine. Ouch, needles. Yuck.
"Yes I do Bella. My daughter ran you over." He said and laughed lightly. I laughed too it did seem kind of weird.
"Rosalie?" I asked. Trying to keep talking, it wasn't really working. If I stopped I would close my eyes and then I would fall asleep I didn't want to do that.
"No, Alice." He said and applied pressure to my leg. I yelped.
"Sorry Bella but your leg is broken and it won't stop bleeding. We will have to get you straight into surgery when we get to the hospital . . . oh no, now were at the hospital." He said urgently. Everything seemed to happen at once the ambulance came to a sudden stop. We must have been going super fast. The paramedics rushed around strapping me to the gurney I was on. It hurt they were strapping me down to tight, I writhed against the restraints and the paramedics grabbed my arms and pushed me down flat.
The divers had been down there for fifteen minutes. We had been out on the cliff for six hours and now they were bringing Jake up to the surface. Jared squeezed my hand and I squeezed back. I was so tense like I would snap in half at the slightest pressure. Jake was dead. The man I loved was dead. What was I meant to do now?
The moon made the water glisten and I watched the surface stir with the waves. Any moment the divers were going to break through the surface and drag Jake to the pebble bay at the bottom of the cliff to the left. Any moment now. Billy was sat in the truck waiting, sadly for the moment. Preparing himself, maybe. None of us were prepared, none of us could prepare. Jake had dove in and he hadn't come back up it was as simple as that, easy. That sort of thing was hard to prepare for when someone had died so easily. Embry was standing beside Jared and I, his hand in Quils. It was unfair. Embry and Quil were Jakes best friends. He loved them and they loved him and now they were going to watch him being pulled dead out of the beautiful, ugly ocean. I was trying to hide it, the agony in that kept filtering through my expression but Jared like he always did, had noticed. Jared hugged me tightly and kissed my hair.
"Its okay Bells, you can lose it, we wont think any less of you," Jared assured me, my legs wobbled and I tried to stop them but they buckled under me. Jared caught me and lowered me gently to the grass. I sobbed into his legs my shoulders shaking. The truck door opened. No I didn't want Billy to see me like this. Footsteps approached that wasn't Billy. Paul pulled me up and buried his face in my shoulder, Paul was back when had that happened? And he wasn't naked. I sobbed into his neck, screams were forming in my throat but I couldn't do it. I couldn't scream out my anger. Anger at Jacob.
"Bells . . . the divers," Jared croaked, I pulled away from Paul and ran to the edge of the cliff. The wind blew through my hair, swirling it around my face. I glared at the sky. The divers had broken through the surface of the water, seven of them. They were holding onto to something, Jake, his long hair floated on the water. I screamed.
"Bella," Jared soothed and walked towards me. No I didn't want any comfort right now. I ran towards the cliff road and headed full pelt towards the pebble bay. I stumbled on rocks and tree roots. Pushed at the over grown bushes which had grown onto the path off the cliff road. The path to the bay. They were running after me. I couldn't hear any wheels; Billy was still in the truck.
"Jake, Jake, Jake," I whispered under my breath. The foot falls were closing in and I sped up a little. We had almost reached the bay and brambles cut at my face. Leaving deep scratches and thorns in my cheeks, I winced as one cut into my scar.
The path opened up to the water. My eyes scanned the water and I saw the divers wading through the water, with Jacob. I stepped forward, my breathe caught in my throat. Sam stepped in front of me and waded out to meet them. I saw his hand shake as he helped them pull Jake in. A strangled sob came from my mouth and my legs shook. I reached out,
"Jake," I mumbled and stepped blearily forward. It was so surreal. The divers and Sam pulled him onto the beach and I heard the pebbles clicking together. The divers looked tired.
"He's full of water, dead weight," they said to Sam. I sobbed nice choice of words. You tactless morons. Jake seemed so peaceful, the divers had closed his mouth and eyes. He looked like he was sleeping. He could be asleep.
"He has been dead a long time, we believe me must have died about five minutes after going under" the divers told Sam. I barely heard it I had dove at Jake and was shaking him lightly.
"Jake wake up, you're sleeping, just sleeping" I begged him to wake up and I got no answer.
"Jake," I cried desperately. No answer.
"Please don't be dead." I sobbed. No answer. No answer, no answer, no answer.
"Answer me Jake, answer me. Wake up. You have to wake up," I yelled and sobbed into his face. He wasn't waking up. Someone grabbed my shoulders and I yelped.
"Bells, come on get up," Jared mumbled. He pulled me too my feet and I pummelled his chest. He grabbed my fists.
"He wont wake up Bella, he isn't going to answer you, its over." Jared said blankly.
"No," I squeaked.
"No!" I squeaked again. I gave up and slumped against his chest. It was over, it was over. My sun was gone. My personal sun would never shine again. Never.
Carlisle opened the doors and a bright light shone directly into my eyes. That couldn't be the sun.
"Carlisle is the sun out?" I asked grimly. When I crashed the sun had definitely been out but this seemed too bright to be the sun. Maybe it was, no it couldn't be.
"No it's raining I think it's still sunny in La push though," he said. I was happy my chest was swelling. I smiled brightly. Jacob was back. It was my own personal sun. I wanted to run around in circles and cover his face in kisses. I wanted to tie him to the floor so he couldn't leave me again.
"Jacob" I yelled.
"Jacob" I yelled again. I was wheeled out of the ambulance and I stretched my arms out for the light. For Jacob. I ignored the pain as I stretched. I wanted him to be real. It had to be Jake. Before I had been irrational. The twinkling, beautiful, gorgeous voiced man. Wasn't for me he was, something else.
"Take her hands." Carlisle ordered. No reply. I writhed in the straps reaching for my personal sun. For Jake. Nothing. I tore at the straps ripping them off and reaching precariously towards the light. I was slipping. But there was nothing that could possibly make me care. Jacob was alive. Denial.
"Damn it, take her hands." Carlisle was getting impatient as he tried to lie me back down. I wasn't having that. He couldn't stop me from holding Jake.
"I know but that's what she believes right now, it must be hurting you, I'm sorry," Carlisle said to him, what, what was he talking about Jake hadn't said anything.
"Jacob." I cried, tears welling my eyes. Why didn't he hold me? I couldn't even see him but I didn't care. He was there my light was back. Arms encircled me and I sobbed with relief. I was right not to say goodbye to him, now he had come back because I had refused too. That was my gift to Jake he could come back now, he could be with me.
"Thank you," Carlisle whispered. I snuggled my face into Jacobs's chest and sighed. His hands rubbed soothing circles on my back and fire bubbled under my skin. Electricity shot through my veins. This was different to before he died. It was better. I was being pushed along really fast through the corridors. How could Jake keep up?
"I love you, I'm so glad your back." I mumbled into his chest. The constant pain in my chest was gone. I hadn't really noticed it was always there until it was gone. It just came in bouts of different strengths. Sometimes it hurt so much I couldn't breathe and my lunges felt ripped apart. The doctors were shouting orders at each other; I felt a sharp prick in my arm. Where were we I looked up? We were in a dimly lit room. The OR.
My sun still shone brightly and I sighed happily. A man dressed in blue scrubs with a mask over his face and a surgery cap on arranged the instruments on a tray. The scalpel, the clamp, suction. I paled. Ew they would slice into my skin and the blood would ooze around the scalpel and, and. Oh I felt sick.
Carlisle walked into the room, tying a surgical cap around his head he and putting on the mask.
"You need to leave," he addressed Jacob. No! No, he would disappear. No he couldn't leave me. I felt kind of faint and tried to sit up I couldn't. So I screamed.
"NO! No don't make Jake leave. He'll disappear again. He'll die again. NO! No please." I begged, his arms tightened around me and his lips kissed my hair. I sighed. Carlisle stared at me incredulously and then at Jacob. I leaned up on my elbows as best I could and stared at Jake.
He looked down at me. Well as best as I could tell he was looking down at me. I wanted to kiss him just to make sure he was definitely here.
"Jake" I sighed and snuggled my face in his hand, which he had placed on my cheek. Jake leaned down and kissed me gently. If I loved his kisses before. These were better. I melded myself to him. Ignoring the agony in my leg and torso. His lips moved urgently with mine and I trembled. It was unreal that I could feel this way while in agony but it was Jacob, I love him. This kiss was different to the ones before it was more, it held more fire, more electricity, more love. Suddenly his hands were on my face restraining me. I sighed and let him push me back onto the operating table. I felt real, I was alive. No longer a zombie. No longer sad. I was happy again.
Billy was on the bay, Sam had carried him down and Quil had carried his wheel chair. I was on the cliff; I couldn't be down there anymore. Cloud's moved across the moon and the wind blew and swirled my hair around my face. It was over. I looked out over the water and sighed. It was over. I picked up Jakes discarded shirt and brought it to my face, I inhaled, it smelt of him and a sob choked in my throat. There was only a small gap in the clouds now; they had formed over so quickly. It looked like a storm.
When I knew I was completely alone on the cliff with the only sound the sound of the wind in the trees. I unleashed my anger on Jacob.
"Damn you for leaving! For not caring enough about us!" I shouted at Jacob. And it was lost in the wind. It echoed on the trees off the water, whistled through the air.
"I thought you loved me, couldn't you just get out of the damn net. You could do anything Jake." My voice cracked as I yelled. Lightening flashed across the sky far out at sea. The storm was here.
I went on and on about the pack and love and brotherhood. I refused to believe that Jake was gone forever. He would be back, he wasn't completely dead. How could he be tricking us like this, how could he seem to orchestrate his own death. To be so cruel. It almost seemed to perfect. But of course it wasn't suicide. Rain drops fell from the sky and landed on my face. The wind whipped at my hair and the waves crashed against the cliff. Thunder rumbled and I stared up at the sky. Letting the rain fall into my eyes and the wind blow my hair out behind me.
I walked to the edge of the bluff and stared out at the stormy water. Numb, stone. My arms fell loose at my sides and a sudden gust of wind blew my hair around it stuck to my face, soaking wet from the rain.
I blamed myself if only I had stopped him from jumping the first time he would be all right, fate. I laughed lightly, blankly. I could have done something. I dissolved into tears; I cried the way I did when I left Phoenix for Forks. Great gut wrenching sobs. I lay on the grass and stared at the sky letting the rain soak me through I watched lightening split the clouds in half.
Sag mir was ist bloß um uns geschehn
Du scheinst mir auf einmal völlig fremd zu sein
Warum geht's mir nich mehr gut
Wenn ich in deinen Armen liege
Ist es egal geworden was mit uns passiert
I sang some of the lyrics to Symphonie as I stared at the stars, so bright.
"He will be in the viewing room," Carlisle said to me. My light was gone. I slumped into the flat surface wanting to disappear.
"Do people come back from the dead?" I asked blearily feeling myself slipping under.
"And what were you saying to him before?" I asked. I was slipping in and out of consciousness the jab I felt most of been anaesthetic.
"Not usually." He said, ah that was good it meant Jake really was back. It was just unusual. But he didn't answer my other question the more important one. It was as if Carlisle knew him, knew Jake but Jake was never treated at the hospital because the people on the reservation stopped going two years before I moved here.
"Thanks doc." I mumbled. My eyes closed and it went black.