Author's Note: We're in the homestretch. One more chapter before the fluff.
If you have stuck with me so far, you have my gratitude.
This chapter deals with Serena/Chuck and Blair/Dan.
i.
Serena leaves first.
She gets a job offer to work on a set in LA again and she packs her things and takes off. There are no tearful goodbyes or promises to stay in touch. She merely watches her best friend pack up her things and not even spare her a glance as she walked right out the door.
"I tried, Blair," her words ring in her absence. "I really tried, but I just can't, I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend to be okay with you and Dan when I'm not."
She doesn't know what to say in response. To tell Serena that she felt nothing for Dan, would only anger her best friend, and it would be a complete lie. To tell Serena that she would back down because their friendship meant more would be the truth, but Serena wouldn't take it.
There was no win situation.
So she sat there and let Serena leave.
ii.
Chuck left next.
He doesn't give her an excuse, she doesn't deserve one, he doesn't even tell her that he's leaving, and she doesn't expect him to. She finds out from Nate who told Dan because the two were apparently friends. And Dan told her, because, "I thought you should know," he says eyeing her.
She knows that he wants her to be off handed about it. He wants her to not care.
So she looks at him blankly and ignores the information. "How was your day?" She asks, wrapping her arms around his shoulders, changing the subject.
iii.
Burying herself in Dan, in Clair Carlyle, is easier than she expects.
She plays the role of a supportive girlfriend well. She goes to Rome with him. She shops and enjoys the sights, while he holes up in the Institute writing. And when they get back to Manhattan, Vanity Fair greets them with an offer to publish the book in serialized chapters.
It's a scathing expose about the Upper East Side. And she can barely get through the chapters about her friends. He tears them apart, exposing all their flaws.
(The chapters he write about Serena and Chuck are the worst, of course.)
She comes out like an angel, like Inside, she's a twisted version of herself that shows redeeming traits she doesn't possess. She smiles when the chapter comes out though, and kisses him on the cheek in thanks. Because it's better to be Clair Carlyle than it is to be Blair Waldorf.
iv.
They get married quickly.
Her divorce is finalized not long after Georgina flies to Monaco with the promise to bring an end to her marriage. She never asks Georgina what she has to do to get Louis to bend.
(She doesn't want to know.)
She's with Dan for a few months before he bends on the knee at his party to celebrate his success with the Inside Out series and the new movie deal for Inside. She breathes heavily as things get silent around her when the guests notice that the guest of honor is bent at the knee in front of his girlfriend.
"Blair," he says softly, "I love you, more than anything. I want to treasure and protect you for the rest of our lives. Will you marry me?"
There's a part of her that instantly finds all the things wrong with the proposal, the fact that he doesn't say her full name, that he says meaningless platitudes that make no sense to a cynical broken her, that he's actually nervous as he stares up at, unsure of her answer.
(She inexplicably misses Chuck for a moment. She misses the Harry Winston ring and that smirk that would accompany.)
She's Clair, she reminds her. Not Blair. She doesn't find things that are wrong with Dan Humphrey anymore.
"Yes," she breathes out, finally. He smiles widely, slipping the small Tiffany's ring onto her finger. He wraps her up in his arms as the guests break out into cheers of congratulations.
(She hates that it's not Harry Winston, he should know better than Tiffany's for engagement rings.
But moreover, she hates that it's not the ring she wants, again.)
v.
She refuses to move into Brooklyn, and with the money from all his recent successes; they start to look for a place to live in.
Her instinct is to gravitate towards lavish UES penthouse, while he gravitates towards LES walkups. It takes a bit of pushing but eventually they settle on a condo in Lily's building.
He continues to write pieces of Vanity Fair, and works on his newest book, a sequel to Inside. She wanders from society to committee, adding class to his success.
(Her mother offers to let her run her company, because "Waldorf women are not socialites", but she doesn't want it.
She wants to be Clair Carlyle, existing so that she can be solely dedicated to her Dylan Hunter.)
vi.
They live a quiet life and it goes like this.
They get married in a small ceremony in Paris at her father's estate. Her family stands by her side. Her mother and father exchange worried glances when she pledges her love to Dan Humphrey for the rest of her life. And afterwards her mother continually asks her if she's sure Dan's what she wants.
(Dylan Hunter is what Clair Carlyle wants.
Dan Humphrey is what Blair Waldorf needs.)
They don't have a honeymoon, but they depart for Dan's book tour and call it a honeymoon. She stands by his side at every opportunity and waits in the hotel when she's denied the opportunity.
"Are you sure you're happy?" Her mother asks her again.
"I'm fine," she stresses, moving on to the next subject.
They settle down in their condo when they move back to New York. He brings up kids one day in the future, and she flinches. He thinks it's because of the child she lost, and she lets him assume so.
"We can adopt," he soothes her, later that night. She pretends the thought of carrying another child terrifies her and nods into his chest.
(It's the thought of a child that terrifies her, in reality.)
She dedicates herself to searching for a child that is theirs. She stumbles across a little girl in India that she falls in love with, and Dan purses his lips a little at the notion of adopting aboard, because it is so UES and there are more than enough worthy children in New York, but she puts her foot down for the first time in their marriage.
Seema is theirs. But somehow she is more Blair's. Dan can't seem to connect with her, and Blair is the only one that takes a vested interest in Seema's life after awhile.
They have a home in the Hamptons and it's the only UES indulgence that Dan will really enjoy.
It's not perfect, but it keeps Blair afloat.
vii.
She doesn't actually see Lily a lot, despite the fact that they live in the same building. She divorces Rufus, and the reasons to see each other are fleeting.
But they stumble across each other occasionally.
It's years later, but Lily looks almost the same. And Blair is struggling with a resistant Seema in the lobby, but she still remembers the Waldorf impeccable manners. "Lily," she says a bit breathlessly. "It's good to see you again."
Lily, ever the gracious soul, responds kindly. "It's good to see you too, Blair. How have you been?"
"Good," she says, lightly tugging Seema into place. "Have you met my daughter? Seema, this is Ms. Van der Woodsen."
"Actually it's Mrs. Bass," Lily corrects lightly. "But you can call me Grandma Lily, if that's not too presumptuous," she looks up at Blair.
"No, of course not," she says distractedly. "I've been meaning to ask, I've heard about Bart. How are you doing?"
(Bart Bass returns from the Dead, she had read the headlines, of course. But what she doesn't mention was how she spent a day staring at her phone, struggling with the urge to call Chuck and see how he was doing.)
"All things considered, I've been doing quite well. We've decided to give our marriage another chance." Lily smiles sweetly.
"That's wonderful," Blair trails off. "And Chuck? How is he doing with everything?" Chuck's name burns in her throat, but she needs to ask.
"He's managing. Serena has been a real comfort to him," Lily says, and Blair's ears begin to burn. "Bart convinced him to join the company again. They're moving back to New York this week."
"Chuck and Serena?" She asks in a strangled voice. They're just friends, she tries to frantically convince herself. They're siblings, nothing more.
"Yes," Lily says "Of course, haven't you heard?"
"Heard what?" She feels like she's waiting for the other shoe to drop.
"Heard that Chuck and Serena have been seeing each other. For quite some time, actually."
Blair feels like her world explodes at that. "But they're siblings?!"
"Yes, well, I had my reservations in the beginning. But they've been such a comfort to each other over the years. And they don't seem to have any intention of getting married, and biologically it's not wrong." Lily says looking away. "Bart being back seems to have complicated things a bit, but they're both committed to making it work. I don't seem the harm in their happiness."
"Excuse me, Lily," Blair can barely hear herself. "It's time for Seema's nap."
"Of course," Lily backs away. "Do bring dear Seema around when Chuck and Serena get back. I'm sure they'd love to meet her."
"Of course," Blair mutters numbly.
viii.
"We've been invited to dinner at the Van der Woodsens'," she says delicately over dinner that night.
"Oh really," Dan snorts. "How'd you say no?"
"I told Lily yes, actually," she says looking down at her plate. She's barely eaten anything, Dan didn't notice, of course.
"What?" He looks up at her in shock.
"Chuck and Serena are together," she announces.
Dan inhales sharply. "What the hell?"
"Yeah," she muses, pushing around her peas.
"Isn't that illegal?" He looks at her incredulously.
"They're not married. A relationship isn't illegal." Blair says.
"Chuck and Serena," Dan says slowly, testing it out. "I would have never thought."
"People never thought you and I would get together." She reminds him.
He smiles softly at her, and clasps her hand. "Of course, you're right."
He pulls away his hand. "Eat your vegetables, Seema." He says to their daughter. He picks up his plate. "I'm going to write a bit. Let me know when we're eating with the Van der Basses."
ix.
It is a cruel twist of fate that she bumps into him before the Van der Bass dinner, but she figures that in the grand scheme of things it's a blessing.
"Hey," he says looking at her with wide eyes.
Seema tugs on her hand, eager for her mother's attention. "Mom," she whines a bit when Blair doesn't look at her.
"Mom?" She sees Chuck mutter under his breath, as she turns towards her daughter in a daze.
"Yes, Seema?" She needs her daughter to distract, to say anything that will take her away from this uncomfortable situation.
"We need to go, the ice cream stores closes in a few minutes and you promised." Seema tugs on her hand again.
"I know, my love." She says, unsure on how to walk away from Chuck, even after all these years. "Chuck, I—," she starts.
"You're going to get ice cream?" He ignores her, crouching to her daughter's level. Seema, suddenly overcome with shyness, ducks behind her legs a bit. "You're running a bit late," he comments, glancing at his Rolex.
"I know," Seema says quietly. "Mommy was late picking me up from Ballet, but she promised."
"Of course," he comments. "Let's see about getting you that ice cream." He holds out a hand towards her.
Seema looks at her for a moment, until she nods stiffly that it's okay. "How are you going to get the ice cream man to open his shop?"
Chuck smiles down at Seema. "I'm Chuck Bass."
The name means nothing to Seema, but it means everything to Blair.
For the first time in years, she doesn't feel like Clair Carlyle, but like Blair Waldorf.
x.
Chuck manages to bribe the storeowner into keeping his shop open just a little bit longer and effectively wins over Seema almost instantly.
When Chuck asks her what flavor she wants, she purses her lips in thought. "What are you going to have, Mr. Chuck?"
He looks taken aback for a moment, and she expects him to say he doesn't eat ice cream. She's never seen him eat ice cream. "Chocolate," he says decisively.
"Me too." Her little girl who never ate anything other than sorbet looks thrilled at the thought. "What about you, Mommy?"
"Nothing for me," she barely breathes out.
"Can I order, Mr. Chuck?" Seema bounces on her toes.
"Sure," he hands her a twenty. "Give this to the man to pay for it."
"Okay," she trills, running off.
"You didn't have to do that," Blair says immediately.
"I wanted to," Chuck says looking at her intently. "She's adorable."
"Yeah," Blair looks at her fondly. "She is."
"Blair," Chuck starts, and she knows he's about to say something that just might break her.
"How have you been?" She cuts him off, attempting to hold some sort of control on herself.
"I've been good," he clears his throat, turning his gaze to Seema. "How have you been?"
"Dan and I are married," she says simply, as if that were an answer.
"I know," he says. "I mean, Lily told me. Congratulations."
"Thanks," she says softly. "I know about you and Serena."
His eyes widen in surprise. "Blair," he starts again.
"I didn't know that you felt that way about her." She wants him to know how much it hurt her to know. How he had always been the one person in her life that had held her above Serena (expect perhaps, Louis), and how it hurt to know that she had essentially become a stepping-stone to Serena Van der Woodsen for Chuck Bass.
"I never knew you how to felt for Humphrey," he counters.
That stings. "That's not fair, Chuck."
"Serena and I," he squints a bit. "We just happened. We were both hurting, and we were there for each other. It happened," he shrugs.
"Do you love her?" She needs to know. It's masochistic, but things with Chuck Bass have always been that way.
"I'm not in love with her," he says. "But I do love her."
"What does that mean?" She stares at him finally.
He smiles down at her. "It means that she's not the one for me, but I care enough to let her be there for me."
Seema comes running back towards them with two chocolate cones clutched in her hands. "Here you go, Mr. Chuck."
"Thank you, Seema." He says taking one.
"We should be on our way." Blair says, taking Seema's hand. "Dan is expecting us at home."
"Of course," Chuck says, backing away from them. "It was good to see you again, Blair."
She holds onto that, until she gets home.
xi.
The Van der Bass dinner is awkward and uncomfortable, and they end up leaving the night early with Dan mumbling under the breath about the nerve of Chuck and Serena.
She wants to ask him about what that means for them, because they basically did the same thing, but she doesn't.
"I mean," he raves later in the night, "they were practically parading their relationship in front of us."
She actually thought Chuck and Serena had been surprising restrained. He had not reached for Serena all evening, and Serena had barely mentioned Chuck in her tales of L.A.
"I'm so glad they're out of our lives." Dan flops on the bed. "I hope we don't have to interact with them again."
It's then when she realizes that there's part of Dan that will always be in love with Serena, just like she would always be in love with Chuck. That was why he was so bothered by Serena's relationship with Chuck.
(She hadn't married Nate, but she still managed to end up with someone who loved her best friend more than he will ever love her.)
"I'd like to get some sleep," she says coldly, "So if you're done talking about Chuck and Serena, please turn off the light."
xii.
She doesn't mean to run into Chuck again. But it happens.
He buys Seema a purple balloon this time, and Seema's positively smitten by this point.
"Mommy," Seema tugs at her, "Can Mr. Chuck come with us to the zoo, because Daddy isn't coming?"
She wants to say No, say that Mr. Chuck has more important things to do than to follow them around a zoo. But Seema looks so hopefully and she can't bring herself to break her daughter's heart again. She was already upset Dan bailed on them.
"Chuck?" She turns towards him unsurely.
"Of course," he says with a wide smile. "I'd love to."
It's only later when Seema's out of earshot, does he ask her. "Dan couldn't make it?" He asks lightly.
"He was busy," she spits out, still furious with his pathetic excuse this morning, "Something about writing and muses."
"Ah," Chuck nods in understanding.
"I think it was just an excuse to avoid bonding with Seema," she admits, a bit surprised with her willingness to share.
Chuck remains silent, letting her vent and she takes the opportunity. "He's never been able to connect with her," she says. "And I guess after some time, he just stopped trying."
"Really?" Chuck looks taken aback. "But she's so," he trails off.
"I know," Blair smiles at Seema who is waving hello to all the animals in the Polar Bear exhibit.
"He doesn't know what he's missing out on," Chuck assures her with a smile.
"I wish he did," Blair says, "I know she pretends like she doesn't care. But she wants to have a father, and it's just not fair to her."
Chuck stares at her intently. "Sometimes father's don't matters, mothers are enough."
She stares at him, unsure of what to say.
Seema breaks the silence when she looks back at them and huffs, "What's taking you guys so long?"
xiii.
She doesn't intend for Chuck Bass to become a part of her life again.
But he starts to slip into Seema's life, and thus becomes a part of hers. He takes a part in all the activities that Dan had missed out on. He takes Seema to the ballet, the actual ballet, and to class, where he proclaims her to be the best ballerina he's ever seen.
Seema adores him, chatting her ear off about 'Mr. Chuck' whenever Blair gave her the opportunity.
(And to her shame, she gave Seema a lot of opportunities to talk about Chuck.)
"Is Mr. Chuck a Daddy?" She asks Blair one night, as Blair is tucking her in.
"No, Sweetheart," Blair says.
"I think Mr. Chuck would make a very good Daddy," Seema proclaims.
"That's very nice of you. Maybe you should tell him that, I think that would make him very happy." Blair comments.
Seema nods absentmindedly. "Can I tell you a secret, Mommy?" Her daughter averts her eyes, staring at the wall, as she didn't to divulge the secret prematurely.
Blair looks at her daughter seriously, "Always, honey."
Seema pauses unsurely for a few moments, "Sometimes I wish Mr. Chuck was my Daddy." She cast her eyes downward in shame.
Blair feels her heart break at that statement. "Oh Seema," she says brokenly.
(How had she gotten to this point? Married to a man she can barely stand, with a daughter that longed for the man she still loved.)
"I know that was a bad thing to say Mommy, I'm sorry." Seema looks contrite.
"No, sweetie," Blair soothes, pulling Seema into her arms. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."
xiv.
"You need to take more of an interest in our daughter's life," Blair says harshly to Dan the next day.
"Blair," Dan rubs the bridge of his nose in irritation. "I'm exhausted, can't this wait until tomorrow?"
"No this can't, Humphrey," she says sharply.
He looks stricken. "You haven't called me that in a long time."
"So you'll know how serious I am about this." She insists.
"Blair, you know I've been busy with this new book, and everything. When everything dies down, we'll discuss my role in Seema's life." He says.
"Your role?" Blair exclaims. "You're her father for god's sake."
"Blair," Dan says warningly. "Let's not."
"Dan," Blair snaps. "We cannot just keep ignoring this. You need to be a part of her life."
"Is this about Chuck?" Dan snaps suddenly.
"What?" She can't feel herself breath.
"I know you've been spending time with him, Seema's been spending time with him. You thought I wouldn't find out?" He raises an eyebrow at her.
"No Dan," she says. "I was going to tell you."
"But you were waiting for the right time?" He asks her sarcastically. "You know you don't have to hide Chuck from me, unless you think there's something to hide."
"No, no," she shakes her head, stricken by his implications.
"Good," he says finally. "We'll talk about Seema later."
And she lets him leave because she just can't anymore.
xv.
They spend more time together, despite Dan's protests.
They even start to spend time together without Seema. He needs her help planning a party for Bass Industries. She wants to tell him that Serena is more than capable of helping plan a party. But she catches a photo of Serena and Dan on Gossip Girl, and she suddenly knows who her husband's new muse is.
It should make her jealous, but she feels nothing as she clicks her phone off and turns her attention back to Chuck.
xvi.
It ends the day she considers asking him those words again.
"Do you think you could love another man's child?"
He looks at her when she asks if he would come to Seema's ballet performance. "This isn't something Humphrey could help you with?" He asks sarcastically.
"No," she says looking away, unable to admit that he's busy with Serena.
He looks at her intently. "Are you alright?"
"No," she admits. "I haven't been alright for awhile now."
He doesn't say anything.
"I feel lost and I don't know how to find my way back." She says brokenly.
She pleads with him silently to help her, to save her, to bring Blair Waldorf back.
"I can't help you with that, Blair," he looks at her sadly. "Only you can find yourself."
"Chuck," she inhales deeply.
"Don't say it," he says sharply.
She's taken aback, but she shouldn't be. He's always had a knack of knowing her better than that. "How do you know what I was going to say?"
"Because I know you better than you know yourself," he says. "But I can't. I can't let you say it again."
"But it's true," she pleads with him.
"God Blair," he runs a hand through his hair. "There was a time when I would have given anything to hear you say those three words, eight letters, but I can't play this game anymore. I need to move forward with my life, now. I'm with Serena, now."
"Who is having an affair with my husband," she shrieks indignantly.
Chuck doesn't look moved. "I told you that I wasn't in love with Serena, and that's true. I don't care what or who she might be doing in her free time. But she is my future, Blair."
"I could be," Blair mutters brokenly. She doesn't understand how they got to this point, so broken that they would rather lead lives with people they didn't love than risk it all on each other.
(It's her fault, she supposes. She did it first.)
"You were, Blair," Chuck says sadly. "But not anymore."
tbd.
Please favorite and review if you enjoyed it!