A/N: Hey guys, gals, and anyone who identifies outside of binary genders. I don't know if anyone had trouble yesterday. I noticed this morning that on the website, it wasn't showing an option to move to the next chapter. It should be fixed now – so if you missed it I posted two new chapters yesterday.
You can thank Johanna-002 for the ridiculous late night/early morning posting. It's 4 am! She legitimately would not let me go to sleep until I finished ; )
Alright, you know the drill from here on out. Enjoy!
XOXOXO
It must have been just past three when Nicky crept out of bed. She didn't have any reason to be up, but she couldn't stand to just lay there any longer. Nothing she did was helping her fall asleep and she just felt fucking antsy. She'd been laying there all night, trying to run away from her own thoughts.
She considered herself to be a strong person. She knew how to deal with shit. Okay - that might be a lie. What she did know how to do was deflect and distract and deny. When that wasn't available there was humor and banter and sex. There were always words to fill up empty silences.
Silence was the worst. Her childhood had been filled with silences. She had nanny's but even they couldn't always be there to bring life into her world - to fill in the gaps that her mother left in Nicky's life.
Nights had always been the worst. When it was quiet and still sometimes Nicky felt like she was the only one left in an abandoned world.
"Nicole, listen to me. I called your mother - she's on her way. She'll be here soon."
"Why can't you stay? Where are you going?"
"It's my daughter - my little girl. She's having her baby and they're taking her to the hospital."
"Paloma, I thought I was your little girl?"
"Oh little owl, of course you are, but this is different. This is my family. I need to be there for her."
A car honked from the driveway. "Oh that's my sister, she's driving me. I have to go. Your mother will be here soon. Lock the door behind me Nicky and don't let anyone in."
Nicky sat on the stairs for almost two hours before she realized Marka wasn't going to show up.
She prided herself on not needing anyone. She'd had enough practice in her life that maybe she even had herself convinced. But the idea of so much silence and loneliness was always too much. The idea that no one was ever coming home - coming back... She shook her head as if that would make the creeping feeling of old wounds disappear.
It was the fucking silence. Her emotions were nearly unbearable. She was angry. She was drowning. There was too much in her head. Too many feelings that she couldn't contain. There was nothing she could do about it except move. Angry she repeated to herself once more. It tasted odd in her mouth - like a truth that wasn't real - but it was the only thing she had to hang onto.
Nicky grabbed the blanket off her bed and wrapped it around her shoulders. Quietly she padded her way down the aisle of the dorm. She stopped just outside of Red's cube and started at her longingly. The anger she'd been feeling began to melt away. It twisted into something like need.
She shoved all that away and pride began to fill the void it left behind. If Red wanted space she would give it to her. It was not a matter of accepting what had happened in a reasonable manner. Nicky was just too prideful to go crawling back when Red had clearly wanted her to go away.
She was not that weak. That one moment of hesitation and her resolve nearly crumbled. She hugged the blanket tighter around herself and kept walking. She was so tired. She hadn't slept for days and it was dragging her down. Her emotions were raw and her thoughts were plaguing her worse than ever.
Nicky was very self-aware of her own faults. She'd be the first person to point them out and have a good laugh about them. This time it had just been different. It wasn't only her faults that she was facing. It was the same damn insecurities she'd felt her whole life. She had always refused to deal with them. If she didn't think about them they weren't real…. right?
Not knowing where she was going, Nicky headed towards the kitchen. Maybe she just needed some water. It wasn't about the kitchen. Her head was hurting and it most definitely wasn't because of how hard she'd been crying just a little while ago. She was just dehydrated… plus, she'd skipped dinner. Just a drink. Then she'd go back to bed.
On her way out of the dorms she ran into Fisher. Nicky was normally more careful than that. She knew how to sneak around and not get caught. She had just been lost in her own thoughts and rationalizations.
"Shit," Nicky said, as her features dropped in defeat and she shook her head in desperation. "I was just going to get some water." She shrunk down in frustration. "I swear I'm not up to anything. It's just, I've got this headache and I thought maybe if I got some water..." she trailed off knowing that it didn't matter why she was out of bed.
The young guard just gave her a questioning look. That was the thing about Fischer - she listened to them. She was Nicky's favorite CO, by far. Which is exactly why Nicky couldn't lie to her.
Nicky gave her a weak smile. "The water part was true," she said, shrugging like the chided child she felt she was.
Fisher just nodded her head in understanding. "Fights with moms are the worst, aren't they?"
"You uh, know about that, huh?" Nicky rubbed the back of her neck anxiously. She started looking around, anywhere but at the CO. It was a sore spot and she didn't even want to think about it let alone talk about it.
Fischer smiled at her sympathetically. "Not a lot of secrets around here. You know when my mom and I fight, she just cries… a lot. Then I always feel guilty and we end up just pretending that nothing even happened. Not very healthy if you ask me, but that's just how things are in my family, I guess."
Nicky nodded. "Red just goes all Norma on me and won't say a word for days, that's generally after the lecture. If you haven't noticed, I-I … I don't do so good with the not talking. Now Marka, she did nothing but talk. That was more than enough punishment. With her, silence would have been a fucking blessing."
"Is Marka your mother?" Fischer asked, genuinely curious. She leaned against the wall casually. She liked Nicky, but she'd always been curious about her story. Most of the prisoners were pretty open about why they were there, but Fischer was always curious about what their lives were like before.
Nicky scoffed. "There was a time in my life when I thought she was. Hell, maybe there was a time in her life that she thought she was, but to be honest Red's the only mom I have. And look at me, I even manage to fuck that up on a regular basis."
It sounded like Nicky had seen a lot of heartbreak in her life and she didn't know what to say. "I'm sure that's not true. Red cares about you a lot. Everyone sees it. She doesn't seem like the type to give up on people. Just give her a little time."
Fischer sounded so damn earnest that Nicky felt the need to run. "I guess we'll find out. This time, it was just different, but, ya know, I really don't want to think about it right now. So, uh, I'm just gonna go get that water and I'll be right back. I promise. Just, please don't ask me to go back to bed."
"Nicky," Fisher said. She sighed heavily. "The only place I saw you when I did rounds, was asleep in your bunk." She reached over and squeezed Nicky's arm gently. "If you ever need or want to talk about it or about anything, I'm here."
She gave a crooked smile. "Nah, I'll be alright. You're good people Susan. Too fucking good for this place."
Nicky breathed a heavy sigh of relief, as she walked away. Dropping her head as her adrenaline came back down. When she'd seen Fischer she knew she could talk her way out of trouble, Fischer was good about that. It hadn't been the fear of trouble that had gotten to her, it was the anxiety of going back to her bed for another couple hours.
Laying there, awake, with nothing but her own demons to keep her company. Nicky tried to chase them away with her attitude, her sarcasm, her self-deprecating jabs - she knew how to battle her weakness.
Except when it felt like she wasn't enough.
Nicky brushed an angry tear off her cheek as she made her way into the dining hall. It had been a rough week. Not that she had or would tell anyone about it. Fucking Christopher - it was all his fault.
Okay, maybe that wasn't true.
She just needed a target to focus all the anger she was feeling. She needed to stay angry. It was the only thing keeping her from falling apart.
It had started with Lorna and her damn obsession, but that wasn't fair to her friend - it wasn't her fault. She had just been the catalyst of the news and she didn't even know it. Christopher was easier to hate.
Nicky would have never known if it hadn't been for that stupid newspaper. "Yeah, that's a slut". The words haunted her even now. Chaos theory at its finest. A perfect woman attends a perfect charity luncheon with her perfectly perfect adopted daughter and the bastard daughter she never wanted sees it in the newspaper half a state away.
It wasn't Mrs. Fucking Christopher that she'd been looking at. It was Ms. Marka Nichols and her brand new daughter Anastasia. How was that for a convoluted twist of destiny. Marka ends up with the Russian Princess and Red ends up with New York's finest Disappointing Daughter of the Year.
Nicky tried to ignore it. Told herself it didn't matter. That it didn't hurt. That her very own fucking mother hadn't thrown her away for an upgraded model - one she could mold into being the perfect accessory of her supposed philanthropic ways.
Marka was a true socialite and she couldn't have her image blemished by the junkie daughter that never succeeded at anything. That's all Marka wanted anyways - not a daughter, but a living breathing icon that represented her selflessness and altruistic imitations.
Making it into the kitchen was easy, it was Red's office that presented a slight problem. Nicky looked around for a few items she could make do with and picked the lock to Red's sanctuary. It only took a moment.
Going to Red's office was dumb. It was a stupid place to be, especially because she was trying to forget all about that afternoon. But she was drawn to it. She needed it.
Strengths and weaknesses - Nicky knew all of hers. She had equipped herself years ago with ways to deflect her issues. She made jokes. She distracted. She distanced. She avoided. They worked for her. It was her insecurities that dragged her down.
Nicky turned the lamp on the desk on, it's muted light casting a warm glow in the tiny room. Once more she pulled the blanket close around her, as she sat down on the floor in the corner. Nicky had a thing for corners. They felt safe.
Safe. It wasn't something she looked for anymore. Prison had been her refuge in a way. In here she knew who she was. She knew her role. She knew what she needed to do. It was simple. The routine of it all made everything less complicated for her.
Ever since she'd seen that picture she had that bottomless feeling of fear. It haunted her, no matter how much she tried to ignore it. She was nothing. She was no one that anyone wanted. Thrown out in the trash and replaced with something shiny and eager to please.
Nicky was rough, with jagged edges and chasms of broken pieces and memories that burned. She was filled with anger and bitterness, but buried beneath the surface she was more. She was emotionally still a child at times. Looking for refuge and unconditional love. It wasn't enough though. She didn't deserve it. She would never be anyone's perfect anything.
If her last four years at Litchfield had taught her anything, it was that she didn't have to be perfect to be loved. Red loved her. She knew that. It was never a question. Until now. Red hadn't even done anything to push her away, but Nicky was always sensitive to maternal rejection. That was amplified after what she had seen.
Which is exactly why Nicky had sought her out all week. She was like a child clinging to their mother's apron strings. She just wanted to be near her - pretend that she was just fine. So she'd followed Red around all week. She tried to act normal, but she knew she was doing a poor job.
She was anxious and talked too much - trying to fill in the silence so that she didn't have to stop. Didn't have to slow down. Didn't have to hurt. Didn't have to tell Red how much she needed her.
So, when Red snapped at her, she had no idea how much she had hurt Nicky. She hadn't known that she was rejecting that broken little girl. The one that she had fiercely sworn to love and protect. To make her feel loved and protected. That was all Nicky ever needed and it was everything Red wanted to give her.
That fragment of a moment, when she'd kicked Nicky out of her kitchen had done more than bruise her girl's feelings. Nicky didn't know how to tell Red what she'd been feeling or what she needed. She thought she could handle it on her own - just like everything else.
Now she needed Red to know. She needed Red to tell her it was going to be okay. Nicky just wanted to feel safe again. She wanted to feel like she mattered - to someone.
Curling up beneath the blanket, Nicky cried until she was too numb to hurt any longer. At least for that moment. Without intending to, Nicky fell asleep, curled against the corner of the room. Her body had finally caught up to the exhaustion her mind had been warring.
XOXOXO
Red woke up early. Too early - even for her. Not one to laze around in bed, she quickly got ready for the day ahead of her. She had breakfast to prepare. Maybe that would take her mind off of things.
She sighed as she thought of the dinner only the night before. Red had been trying to get dinner ready, but she couldn't even focus on that. Her girl had been going non-stop and it had been happening for days. She was too short with Nicky that afternoon - too distracted to pick up on the hints she'd been given.
Yuri said he would put money in her commissary, but that hardly eased her mind. What was going on with her family? Was it all falling apart because she wasn't there? Had she failed them once more? The dark thoughts weighed on her heavily. She just wanted time to think. To find some way to make things better and maybe just a little bit of time to feel sorry for herself - this was not how things were supposed to go. She felt like this wasn't even her life anymore.
But Nicky, her dear sweet darling girl, hadn't left her alone for a moment. Red felt like she'd grown a shadow. An incredibly talkative shadow, that sat on her counters and ate the food she was making faster than she could prepare it. When she wasn't eating the food, she was asking Red all sorts of questions about what she was making and if Red would teach her some time. Nicky had never been interested in cooking before. She should have noticed that.
She just needed quiet. It wasn't the healthiest thing she could do, but she just wanted time to grieve her old life. She had let her boys down and now things just kept getting worse for them. Even in trying to protect them she had failed her family.
She hadn't meant to snap at Nicky - chastising her for sitting on the counters and then bullying her out of her kitchen. It just happened before she could realize what she was doing. She hadn't missed the betrayed and hurt look that Nicky tried to hide either. Something wasn't right. She couldn't help but wonder how long it had been going on without her noticing.
She needed to talk to her- to make things right. Wild child that she was, Nicky never let things happen the easy way. Red had decided to tempt her into a conversation with some fresh strawberries that she'd grown in the garden. Only Nicky hadn't shown up.
It worried Red. They had both taken turns at being short with each other for years. They always bounced back. She always thought their bond was close enough that it could withstand such trivial incidents. Maybe she had been wrong. There was an emptiness she'd felt since the moment she realized Nicky wasn't eating at dinner.
She had sought the girl out afterwards, but Nicky was already curled up asleep in her bed by the time Red got there. She didn't have the heart to wake her. Maybe sleep would help. She watched her with all the worried concern that had been building up. Norma just gave her a sad look and shrugged, watching Red struggle. Red sighed and nodded knowingly. It would have to wait until morning.
Daylight was starting to break. Red needed to get moving. She stopped by Nicky's cube, hoping that she might be up, but the bed was empty. She sighed heavily, more than a little disappointed.
She had hoped to catch Nicky before breakfast. It would have to wait now. Red didn't have time to go look for her until after everyone had eaten. Maybe she'd get lucky and Nicky would show up to breakfast. Surely she was hungry by now.
Red made her way to the bathroom. Nicky wasn't there either. She quickly took a shower and then back to her bunk to get ready for the day. All through her morning routine Red kept looking for Nicky, hoping that she'd turn up and they could make things right between them.
The more she thought about it the more she realized something was wrong. There had been signs of it all week, but she hadn't been focused on Nicky. Normally Nicky would come to her about her problems. Why hadn't this time? Red was worried. If she had only been paying more attention ...
It was still much earlier than Red would normally be up. The kitchen would be empty. It was the place in the prison where she felt most powerful. It was her space. She decided to head over there anyways, there was always something that needed to be done - even if she couldn't start cooking yet. Sighing heavily, Red left her cube and headed to the kitchen. It was always too cold in there in the mornings. It made her back ache, but she needed to keep busy until she could find Nicky
When she got to her office she realized the gate was already unlocked.
Something was wrong.
She always locked up. It was unnerving that it had been open for who knows how long. Red glanced around the kitchen to see if anything else seemed out of place. What purpose would someone have for even going in her office? The last thing she needed was more drama to prevent her from finding Nicky.
Seeing nothing else astray, Red still felt uneasy. There was a creeping sensation rising within her and it only got worse not knowing what it was from. Red opened the gate the rest of the way and went inside.
Maybe she had just forgotten to lock it. She'd had a lot on her mind lately after all. She closed the gate behind her and started to walk over to her desk. She caught something out of the corner of her eye - a figure that shouldn't be there. She turned to look at it and what she saw made her heart stop.
Nicky was on the floor in the corner. "Nicky," she gasped. She looked lifeless. The blanket that must have once been wrapped around her had fallen to the floor. It was the blanket Red had asked Norma to make her for her last birthday.
Thoughts rushed through her mind, making it feel like time had stopped. Red couldn't breathe, head spinning with the worst of thoughts. She didn't want to know. Her Nicky…
Without another moment's pause, she rushed over to her girl. Red dropped to her knees, ignoring the pain, and cupped Nicky's face. "Nicky," she said, voice cracking. Her skin felt cold in her hands. She repeated her name but with more force.
Back against the wall, Red pulled Nicky into her lap. Nicky's head fell against her shoulder. She rocked her in her arms, tears running down her cheeks. Leaning down she kissed Nicky on the forehead, sobbing her name.
Nicky let out a broken whimper and wiggled away from her, waking up. She flinched out of Red's grasp before she realized who it was with her. Red cupped Nicky's face, trying to steady her crying.
Shaking Nicky's face firmly, she pleaded, "Tell me you're okay?"
Nicky stared at her for a moment, she was awake now and the feelings of the past week all came flooding back.
"I'm fine Red," she said shortly, before pulling away. She couldn't do this now. It was too late. Red had made it clear that she was barely even an afterthought. Nicky had hated herself for not seeing it earlier. She wasn't significant to anyone. She never would be.
She had thought that without the drugs things might have been different. She had been turning to them for so long that she'd almost forgotten what it had been like before. Then she saw that article about Marka and realized the drugs were only a distraction from the truth. She had never been enough - even when she tried.
She was too broken for anyone to claim her as their own. She had thought things were different with Red. She thought she had found someone who loved her. Now, she didn't know what to think, but she knew exactly how she felt. It felt like Marka … like Red only cared about her when it was convenient. Except that it was worse than Marka, because Red had made her believe she could be more.
"Nicky, tell me what's going on. Why aren't you in bed?" Red asked. She moved to brush the hair out of Nicky's face, but stopped when she saw her tense up. "Please, malyshka, talk to me." she pleaded. "Tell me what's wrong. Did someone do something to you? Is there something I need to take care of?" Red was lost. There was something seriously wrong. Nicky was pulling away from her and she didn't know why. Surely this wasn't just about snapping at her.
Nicky shook her head and looked away, staring at the wall. She clenched her jaw and willed herself not to cry. "Nothing's wrong. There's nothing to tell." What was the point in talking now? It didn't matter. None of it mattered.
"Bullshit Nicky," Red said, grabbing the younger woman's hand. She needed something to hold on. She was so afraid that Nicky might bolt and she wouldn't have another chance to talk like this. Nicky didn't pull away, but she didn't respond to it either. Her arm just hung limply between them, only being held up by Red's grasp on her.
Red just shook her head. "You look terrible."
Nicky just scoffed at her words. "Well you know what they say, 'Go Big or Go Home' and since I don't exactly have a home to go to at this point in my life…" She looked at Red and shook her head, trying to look convincing. "There's nothing wrong. Everything's fine."
"If nothing's wrong then why did I find you in here asleep? I know there's been something going on all week, but I don't know what it is. You need to tell me what it is, because I don't believe what you are saying." Red knew her voice was morphing into anger, but she was angry. There was something wrong with her baby and she didn't know what to do.
Nicky was a very skilled liar. It came with the junkie lifestyle. There was nothing coming to her now though. How could she explain to Red what she was doing in here without telling her the truth. She couldn't even lie well. She started to doubt everything. Was anything in her life real?
Was she?
She was in such a state of fear that she started to emotionally shut down. She looked at Red with an empty look in her eye. She didn't even feel her head turn. One moment she'd been looking at the wall and then Red was in front of her. Nothing felt real. Not even the pain.
Red saw the emotion leave Nicky's face. "Nicky," she said harshly, trying to bring her back from whatever defensive mechanism that was going on. She knew it wouldn't be easy getting Nicky to drop her walls, but this was the worst she'd ever seen.
Nicky heard Red, but she sounded so far away. She felt like she was just floating there in somewhere in between. She was sitting on Red's office floor, but at the same time she wasn't. She was just numb.
"Nicky, dorogoy, please let me in. You're safe with me," she coaxed gently. She was flailing around blindly on the emotional spectrum. She had never seen Nicky so lost and she didn't know what it would take to bring her back to her. She wanted to just hold her close, but knew that Nicky wouldn't accept that.
Nicky looked at her and her face melted into one of pain. She opened her mouth several times trying to formulate her thoughts into words. She chewed on her bottom lip, looking into Red's eyes. "I don't want to talk about it anymore. It doesn't matter."
Red pulled Nicky's hand to her chest and held on to it. "Of course it matters. I know now that I've been neglecting you lately, but I'm here now. Please don't shut me out."
The younger woman wanted to jerk her hand back, but she couldn't. Despite knowing how unwanted she was, Nicky still wanted to be wanted. She could feel herself trembling and the emotions bubbling within. She could only stay strong for so long. The way this had gotten drawn out and turned into such a big deal made Nicky feel even worse.
Admitting the truth about Red's feelings - everyone's feelings, was bad enough, but to have to then explain why she was so upset was even worse. She was hurt and she didn't want people to know how much. She didn't want Red to know how much she needed her. With Red not reciprocating her feelings it was just embarrassing.
Nicky rubbed her face with both hands, trying to center herself enough to be convincing. "Look I was a little upset. I came in here to get away from everyone. I must have just fallen asleep. I'm fine now though, so can we please drop this?" Nicky asked.
She almost sounding convincing. That worried Red, Nicky was trying extremely hard to cover this up. Red could always see right through Nicky's words, but now she was starting to doubt her own abilities. Was Nicky getting better at shutting her out or had she started to lose the connection she felt for her with all of her distractions recently.
"Okay," Red said quietly. "You don't have to tell me, but I'm here when you're ready." She rubbed her thumb against Nicky's hand that she still held. "When I saw you here, lying on the floor so still and sickly looking, I thought something terrible had happened."
Nicky shook her head and looked up at the ceiling, not wanting to have this conversation. "Like drugs?" she asked bitterly, knowing she had failed the other woman more than once. She would never be able to prove herself.
Red hated that response. It was always Nicky's go to. Read was only so hard on her because she loved her. Why couldn't Nicky ever trust in that. "No, like death. Drugs we can deal with, but if you had been taken from me…." she trailed off.
Nicky interrupted, "You'd be a hell of a lot better off and not have someone else's problem to deal with?" Her words were like poison, tainting everything they'd built together. All of Nicky's fears and doubts were tied up in that way of thinking.
Red began to put the pieces together and understand how Nicky was upset, but she still didn't know why. That could wait. Most importantly she needed Nicky to just hear her. She needed to cement the words inside her head so that she would never need to doubt them.
"Nicky, I need you to listen to me." She grabbed Nicky's face in her hands once more. She leaned forward with a deadly stare. "You listening?"
Nicky nodded, tears building in her eyes. She knew, even if she wasn't her daughter, to not fuck around when Red looked at her like that.
"Good, because it seems that over the past few years you haven't been listening to a word I've said. You, my girl, are not someone else's problem. You are my child. Mine," she said practically growling out the final word. "We deal with things together and we don't play games with one another," she said. She could see Nicky's resolve weakening and pressed forward. "There is nothing you can tell me that will make me stop loving you. You need to tell me what is going on though. We deal with things together - always."
She started crying and Nicky shook her head no. It was too much. Those words were too much. Her stomach had dropped the moment read had said 'mine'. Her mind was telling her it was all lies, but her instincts were telling her to let go of her fears.
Nicky began trembling. Not just her hands, but everywhere. Red hated it. She just wanted to fix everything for her. She waited. She had said what she could to Nicky. She needed to give her time to absorb it.
It was as though she couldn't break her gaze with Red. She wanted so much to fall into her arms, but she was afraid to move. In that moment, with Red looking at her, she felt it. She could see how sincere Red was. She could see how much she thought Nicky mattered. It was everything she'd wanted, but if she looked away it would all be gone. "I don't know what to do," she said, each word breaking with fear.
Red tilted her head and looked at her softly. "You come here and let me hold you and you tell me what's really wrong. You tell me how you're feeling and what has you so scared. You tell me how wrong I was for neglecting you and how much that hurt." She opened her arms and urged Nicky to come into them.
Nicky nodded her head yes, but didn't move right away. Tears started to fall, but she just needed to see that look in Red's eyes for just a bit longer. It was the only thing she was holding on to in that moment.
Nicky looked absolutely crushed. There was so much emotion in her eyes that it was physically hurting Red. She watched the transformation of her silence and stillness turning into words and brutal emotion.
"Marka adopted a new daughter," she said between gasps.
Nicky fell against her. Red settled Nicky in between her legs and draped them across one of her own so that Nicky could lay against her. Nicky quickly buried her face in the crook of her shoulder and neck. Red could feel Nicky shaking still and started to rock her gently. "I've got you, sweet girl. It's going to be okay."
She cradled the younger woman against her, hoping to provide the comfort she deserved. No child should feel as broken as she did. It made her blood boil to think of how undeserving Marka was of Nicky and all the heartache she had put her through. Red reached for the Nicky's blanket and with great care wrapped it around her. She pulled her closer wanting to ward off the emotional cold as much as the blanket would help with the physical cold.
"You're safe here Nicky. I'm not going to let go until you're ready," she promised. Her voice was gentle, even gentler than she was used to. Nicky always managed to bring out emotions and tenderness that she didn't think she was capable of. It was this girl though that had shown her how much love she had to offer.
Red kissed the top of Nicky's head and continued to rock her safely. Nicky had stopped shaking and was slowly starting to come back to her from all the emotions she was reeling from. Her hand was tangled in Red's shirt, clutching the fabric as though Red might disappear if she didn't hold on.
Nicky hadn't felt this way in a long time. She didn't know if she'd ever felt this way. Everything was just safe. She was loved. She had been so scared all week. Every doubt Marka had ever instilled and every bit of self-loathing that Nicky felt had hit her full force. She knew Red loved her. She could feel it. She couldn't imagine what she had been thinking the day before. Red wasn't a mind reader, as much as she seemed it at times. Nicky hadn't even told her she was upset, let alone why she wouldn't let Red out of her sight. Now it all felt so foolish.
Nicky pulled her head back a little and rested it solely on Red's shoulder as she spoke. "Lorna had a newspaper with Christopher in it. I looked at it and Marka was in an article with her newly adopted daughter." She sniffled a little and sat up. "I don't mean that you're not enough. It's just… Marka, ya know?"
The older woman nodded well aware of how Nicky felt about both her and Marka. "I know," Red said sadly. "Is that why you've been my shadow all week? You needed me and I am very sorry that everything happened the way they did." She brushed the hair off of Nicky's face. She continued to stroke it softly as she spoke. "Why didn't you just tell me?" Red asked, feelings a little bruised that Nicky hadn't trusted her.
Nicky sat up and shrugged. "I was embarrassed. She doesn't care about me - at all. She replaced me…. Like I was some piece of broken equipment. She just went out and bought another one."
"Nicky," Red chided. "I don't know what Marka thinks, but you know you are better than that. She's a fool for not seeing what a beautiful wonderful girl you are."
Nicky shrugged. "I hurt her too. Especially with the drugs. She just ... "
It was too much. Red couldn't bite her tongue on this even if maybe she should have. "Abandoned you when you needed a mother most?" Whether Red liked it or not she did care what her mom thought. It was a harsh reality, but Nicky was never going to have the relationship Nicky needed with Marka. Red refused to sugar coat things for her, it only ever hurt Nicky in the long run.
Red finally understood all that had been going on with Nicky emotionally. Nicky hated her mom, but it was still her original source of pain and what made her feel worthless. This news of a new daughter could only have tainted Nicky's already low opinion of herself. "Whether you hurt her or not. Whether she is a good person, which I doubt very much, or a horrible one, there is no excuse."
She lifted Nicky's chin up and waited until Nicky was fully focused on her. Eyes locked, and a hint of anger in her voice, Red spoke, "She was a terrible mother Nicky." Red needed to make Nicky understand that none of it was her fault. There was nothing wrong with her.
Nicky nodded, but couldn't speak. Red's intensity left no room for argument and made Nicky question everything she'd ever believed. She lay back down against Red, feeling small and insecure. "I was a pretty shitty daughter too, though. I think I'm broken."
Kissing Nicky on the top of her head once more, Red gently covered Nicky's hand on her shirt and began to rock her once more. "You're a wonderful daughter. You're just too hard on yourself. You need to do your part though and start coming to me with things and not just bottling them up. You have to talk to me. You have to let me in. All the time, not just when it's easy. If I'm busy or distracted, you come to me regardless. You tell me you need me. I will never turn you away."
Nicky nodded, knowing Red was right. They were so good together. Things always just seemed to fit. "I want to be good for you. I want to be better than I was with Marka, even before I knew she didn't love me. I couldn't handle you leaving me."
Red's heart broke at hearing her daughter's. "I'm not going anywhere. You bring me so much joy, even when you're being a pain in my ass and getting into trouble. You couldn't get rid of me even if you tried. I won't let you push me away because that woman has made you feel like you don't deserve love."
She felt Nicky curl her body more tightly around her. She didn't want to believe the words, because if they ever turned out to be untrue it would destroy her. This moment was everything to her. Red was so sincere in everything she said that Nicky was getting lost in the truth.
"I can't begin to tell you how amazing you are." Red said, rubbing Nicky's back. "And Nicky?"
"Hmm?" Nicky responded.
Red could feel her own tears falling. "You," she had to stop, her voice breaking down too much. "You are so loved sweetheart, so loved."
Red felt Nicky tremble at the words and knew they had served their purpose. Nicky wrapped her arms tighter around Red and started crying once more. "I love you mommy," she said, voice quivering.
"Shh, I know you do," Red said, smiling widely. "Shh," she coaxed, wanting Nicky to be able to calm back down. "I've got you. You're safe," she promised.
They stayed like that in silence for several minutes. Red knew they would have to get up soon and she could already feel Nicky's body relaxing and well on its way to falling back asleep.
"Nicky," she said, stirring the girl from her sleepy thoughts.
Nicky buried her face closer to Red, not wanting to get up yet. She needed this so much. Everything felt like it hurt just a little less. She knew it wouldn't happen instantly, but this was an amazing start.
"When you picked the lock to get in here, you better not have broken it doch. Don't think you're going to get away with it. I'll make you go to Caputo himself to get me a new one."