Ok, so my boyfriend doesn't really like Twilight much. In fact, I think Edward and Jacob are the main reasons. This being the case, he gave me the funniest idea: write something where Edward gives Jacob a laxative.

I know what you're thinking: WHAT?

Lol, so here it is, I hope I did it justice.

Warning: mentioning of the word 'stool', 'poop' and anything T-rated synonymous may be utilized.

Of course I do not own any of Stephanie Meyer's work, solely the twisted little thing that turned out here.

Loosens stool—

Quick eyes scanned further down the label on the small box.

Can lead to intestinal paralysis—

The accompanying eyebrows furrowed.

Irritable bowel syndrome—

A small sigh escaped his perfect lips.

Renal failure—

He ran smooth fingers through tousled hair in a habitual human gesture.

Diarrhea, dehydration, constipation—

"Dammit." Edward finally uttered aloud. The more he thought about it now, the more he regretted it. Why, oh why would I listen to Emmett?

To Emmett!

As if reading his mind—ironic much?—the tall, burly vampire entered the room with a broad grin etched across the contours of his face.

Edward groaned. "Emmett, you realize Nessie's going to be really upset if she finds out about this."

Emmett gave him a sly grin. "She doesn't have to find out." Though it would be for an interesting show …

"Emmett." Edward growled.

Emmett sighed and rolled his eyes. "Fine, fine. I won't say a word." He whirled around and came within inches of Edward's face, like an eager four year-old begging for early Christmas presents. "Have you heard anything yet?"

Edward frowned. "Well he hasn't called to cancel if that's what you—"

"No! I mean, his thoughts!"

Edward had the decency to look away ashamedly. "Actually he's on his way here right now. In quite a hurry …"

Emmett burst out laughing. "Yes! Five hundred bucks says he won't make it on time!"

"Emmett, that's not funny. Nessie's going to be horrified if he—"

"Poops himself!"

"Emmett, shut up, someone might hear!" Edward hissed, his eyes darting towards his daughter's room upstairs.

Another set of howls filled the empty sitting room, Emmett collapsing onto the sofa heavily. The weight was too much and suddenly—

CRASH!

The sofa tipped over, Emmett too engrossed in the latest scandal to even bother jumping out before he rolled out the back and hit the staircase banister.

Edward's face landed into his palms when the sweet voice of his beautiful daughter suddenly filled the high ceiling room.

"What happened? I heard a noi—Emmett, are you ok?"

Emmett continued to laugh, his laughter getting louder and louder. Just then the door flew open, and flying in even faster—

"Jake! I'm—"

"Not-now-Nessie-have-to-go-to-the-bathroom-to-vomit!"

Nessie looked confused, casting Edward a questioning gaze. Edward avoided meeting it, looking around instead for the sprinting-about-to-crap-his-pants-wolf.

He's not going to make it … Oh shit, no!

But he was too late. Nessie was already within two steps of the bathroom door, her face scrunched into one of worry. She reached for the handle, a hurried 'Jake, are you alright? Do you need a towel or something?' out of her mouth, her loose hair cascading over her shoulders.

Humiliated! She's going to walk in on Jacob using the restroom and then she's going to hate me for doing that to him!

The handle turned. The loudest fart noise erupted and echoed into the hallway, resounding like a trumpet fanfare in an empty coliseum, glorious. Nessie screamed. Jacob screamed. Edward was too late.

"Oh no, Nessie, I'm so sorry you had to see that, I—"

And then suddenly her thoughts—her real thoughts—invaded Edward's mind.

She fell against the floor laughing. The bathroom door opened, revealing a tall, muscled, and otherwise non-diarrhea-inflicted shapeshifter.

Edward narrowed his eyes at the same time that Jacob helped his imprint off the floor.

Jacob laughed. "Come on, Edward. I would've thought you were smarter than that. Laxatives have no effect on us. Our system burns it out too quickly."

Nessie had no words, she was too busy laughing, though in her mind what Edward heard was: Man, you should have seen your face, daddy! Hahahahaha, so funny! I'm getting good at controlling my thoughts, huh? I wonder how much Jake and I can get away with now …

Edward stomped away and up the stairs.

"Bye daddy!"

"Later, Edward!"

But Edward blocked them out. Instead he jumped out the window and set out to look for Bella. The only thing that could possibly make today decent was mind-blowing sex.

Ok, short and to the point lol. Though I do think I might do a longer rendition of this sometime in an actual oneshot. Hahaha! Edward got served! Silly vampire, wolves don't get constipated … Review please!