A/N: Oh my god, I love this chapter! I think by the end of this, everyone has been introduced except for the White Queen (who I think shows up in the next chapter but please don't hold me to that). Oh my lord, Scotty! Scotty is fantastic! So is Kirk! Everyone is fantastic! Bahahaha! Please review and remind me to update!

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek or Alice in Wonderland.

Chapter 3: The Strangest Tea Party

All alone, Spock ran through the woods until he could run no further. Gasping for breath, he leaned against a tree, checking his arm where that creature had scratched him. His arm now had several deep gashes in it and he swore under his breath.

"Aye matey, look like ye've run afoul o' somethin' wit' wicked claws," a voice said with a heavy Scottish brogue.

Spock's head snapped up and he looked over to see the head of a man with red hair, gigantic luminous green eyes, cat whiskers, cat ears, and other catlike features floating in midair next to him.

"And still, I am hallucinating…" Spock muttered, pressing his fingertips to his forehead.

"What did that te ye, laddie?" the cat-man asked.

"I do not recall… Bander..."

The Bandersnatch? Best let me have a look." Then the head vanished and then the cat-man appeared properly next to him, a cocky grin on his face. He examined the wound closely. "Ye ought te be purifyin' it wit' someone wit' evaporating skills or it'll fester and putrefy."

"I will be fine when the hallucinations are over," Spock said calmly.

"Well, at least let me bind it for ye," the cat-man said, wrapping a bandage around Spock's arm. "Now, what de ye call yerself?"

"I am Spock."

"Yer a Vulcan, yeah?"

"Yes, but I do not want to get into this discussion again."

"I never get involved in politics," the cat-man said with a shrug. "Ye'd best be on yer way."

"What way? I simply want to return to my home."

"Alright laddie, keep yer shirt on, I'll be takin' ye te see the Hare and the Hatter. But that'll be th' end o' that, mark me words!" the cat-man said sternly, his accent become even more pronounced as he talked. Then he vanished. Spock looked around in confusion, then he saw the cat-man reappear several yards ahead. "Ye comin?"

Spock exhaled and started following.

The cat-man led Spock to the strangest tea party Spock had ever seen. The tea set was made up of many cracked, chipped, and mismatched cups and saucers of all sizes and colors. The tablecloth was stained and threadbare, the chairs lopsided and broken. Three figures sat around the table. One was Sulu the Dormouse, tossing the Bandersnatch eye in the air and catching it over and over again. Another was a ruggedly good-looking older man with graceful long gray rabbit ears and wide golden eyes. He was fidgeting and glancing around nervously. The third figure was a man with an unnaturally pale face, messy blonde hair sticking out from beneath a ratty scorched top hat, and morose blue eyes. He slumped against the table, fidgeting with the teacup.

Suddenly the man with the long gray ears jumped to his feet. "The hell was that noise?" he demanded in a gruff Southern drawl. "Who's there?"

The cat-man led Spock up to the table. The man in the top hat glanced up and his eyes fell on Spock. His eyes lit up and he sprang to his feet, leaping right onto the table and walking across it to jump down and stare at Spock intently.

"Your hair wants cutting, but it's certainly you!" he gasped.

"No it's not. Pavel brought us the wrong Vulcan," Sulu interrupted, looking incredibly cranky at the mention of the man with the rabbit features.

"No, it's him! I'd know him anywhere!" the man with the top hat protested. He grabbed Spock's hand and pulled him back onto the top of the table.

Spock tried not to step on any teacups as the other man pulled him to sit down in the chair next to his. Spock shuddered under the confusing torrent of the new emotions flooding into him through the point of contact. There was no order, none whatsoever. It was even more chaotic than the few times he'd interacted with normal humans.

"As you can see, we're still having tea!" the man with the top hat said brightly. "It's all because I was obliged to kill Time waiting for your return. You're terribly late, you know. Naughty," he said, wagging his finger gently in front of Spock's nose, making his eyes cross. "Well anyways, Time became quite offended and stopped altogether. Not a tick ever since. But now you are back, you see, and we need to get on to the Frabjous day. I'm investigating things that begin with the letter M. Have you any idea why a raven is like a writing desk?"

He stopped speaking suddenly and then he and his two companions both exclaimed, "Downal wyth Bluddy Behg Hid!"

"I do not understand…" Spock said.

"'Down with the Bloody Big Head'," the cat-man explained. "Bloody Big Head being the Red King."

"It's a secret language used by us… the Underland Underground Resistance," Sulu proclaimed proudly, touching the sword at his side and tossing the Bandersnatch eye in the air again.

"Come, come!" the man in the top head said happily. "We simply must commence with the slaying and such… Therefore it's high time for Time to forgive and forget. Or forget and forgive, whichever comes first. Or is, in any case, most convenient. I'm waiting." He picked up a pocket watch, tapped at it impatiently, dipped it in his tea cup a few times, then listened again. "It's ticking again!" he exclaimed, laughing hysterically.

"Damnit Jimmy…" the man with the long gray ears muttered, putting a hand to his forehead.

The cat-man sighed. "All this talk of blood and slaying has put me off my tea."

"The entire world is falling to ruin and poor Scotty is off his tea," said the man with the top hat sarcastically.

"What happened that day was not me fault," Scotty said, his cat ears flattening as he hissed.

The man with top hat suddenly had a furious and ugly look on his face. He slammed both hands down on the table, sending cups and teapots flying. "You ran out on them to save your own skin!" he snarled, his accent suddenly devastatingly Gaelic. "You guddler's scuttish pilgar lickering…"

Scotty vanished and then reappeared next to Spock, placing his hands lightly over the Vulcan's pointed ears. The man with the top hat kept cursing and swearing, his lips moving faster and faster as his fury spilled out. He seemed to be working himself into a frenzy, unable to stop his tirade.

"…Shukem juggling sluking ur-pals. Bar lom muck eg brimni."

"Jim!" the man with the long ears exclaimed.

The man shook himself. "Thank you. I'm fine."

"Sorry you had to see that," Sulu said to Spock. "Jim hasn't really been himself for quite a while now. Our poor old Mad Hatter…"

"Ah, don't be hard on Jimmy," the man with the long ears drawled.

"You're a bleeding heart, McCoy," Sulu replied.

"What's wrong wit' ye, Jim?" Scotty the Cheshire Cat asked. "Ye used t' be th' life o' th' party. Ye used t' do th' best Futterwacken in all of Witzend."

"Futter-what?" Spock asked.

"It's a dance," Sulu explained.

"On the Frabjous day, when the White Queen once again wears the crown… On that day, I'll Futterwacken… vigorously," Jim said with a maniacal grin.

McCoy looked around suddenly. "The Knave is coming! Hide him!"

Scotty vanished. Jim picked up a small bottle. "Drink this!" he exclaimed.

"I would prefer…" Spock began.

"If you want to live, DRINK!" Jim hissed urgently.

Spock hesitated, but something in Jim's eyes was urgent enough to be persuasive. He took the bottle and drank it quickly, shrinking down to a mere six inches in height. Jim reached out and grabbed him, stuffing him and his over-large clothes into the teapot and closing the lid.

"Mind your head," he murmured.

Spock shivered, crouched in the teapot. At least it was empty. The trio at the table started chattering and carrying on just as Pike, Gary Mitchell, and some other Red Knights walked up to the table.

"Well, if it isn't my favorite trio of lunatics," Gary Mitchell said with a smug smile.

"You're all late for tea!" McCoy shouted, hurling a teapot at Gary Mitchell, who ducked.

"We're looking for a Vulcan," he said, as though a teapot had not just been hurled at his head.

Pike paced slowly around the table, staring at all of them with shrewd eyes.

"Speaking of the King… here's a song we sang at her soiree," Jim said brightly.

The trio started singing. "Twinkle, twinkle, little bat! How I wonder where you're at!"

Gary grabbed Jim around the throat with a snarl, while the knights cracked McCoy and Sulu over the head with their weapons.

"If you're hiding him, you'll lose your heads," Gary threatened.

"Already lost them," Jim said with a crazed cackle. "All sing together."

"Up above the world you fly, like a tea tray in the sky!" they sang. Then they all dissolved into laughter. "Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle…"

Pike, who was crouched next to the table near Jim's chair, suddenly moved towards the teapot. Jim glanced down at him. Through clenched teeth, he hissed, "Downal wyth Bluddy Behg Hid."

Pike froze. He and Jim exchanged significant glances, and then Jim looked pointedly at the teapot in his lap. Pike nodded, moved around the table a few paces, then suddenly stood up and started jogging away, appearing to have a new trail.

"Follow the prisoner!" Gary yelled at the knights. They did so, but he lingered, glaring suspiciously at the group seated around the table. "You're all mad," he muttered irritably.

The trio just started laughing at this blinding flash of the obvious. Gary Mitchell started walking away. McCoy and Sulu stopped laughing, but Jim was in the grips of hysterics and couldn't stop.

"Jim!" Sulu exclaimed.

Jim's head jerked and he choked on his own laughter. "I'm fine… Really, I'm fine," he gasped. He put the teapot back on the table, then peeked in. He slammed it back down abruptly. "Sorry… one moment." He reached into his pocket, pulling out a pair of milliner's scissors. His hands moved so fast that they were a blur, and when he was done, he had a pair of tiny black pants and a blue tunic in his hands. Then he opened the lid again and handed them over. "Try these on for size."

He closed the lid again and tapped his fingers against the table, staring at the teapot with the strangest expression on his face. Then there was a soft knock on the lid. Jim opened the lid and lifted Spock out, wearing the new clothes and grumbling a bit about the loss of his old ones, and the articles contained therein.

"Hmm… Sorry, it's the best I could do, I'm afraid. Not half bad, if I must say so myself." Jim had a funny sort of half-smile on his face.

"It's a good thing Pike is one of us, or you'd be…" Sulu drew his finger across his throat meaningfully, glaring at Spock.

"You'd best take him to Marmoreal. He'll be safe with the White Queen until the Frabjous day…" McCoy said, nervously playing with one of his ears.

"Can she help me stop these hallucinations?" Spock asked.

"If she doesn't start haunting your dreams herself," Jim said with another of his mad laughs. Then he swept his scorched and tattered hat off his head, revealing gravity-defying dirty blonde hair. "Your carriage, my good man!"

"The hat?" Spock asked skeptically.

"Anyone can go by horse or by rail, but the absolute best way to travel is by hat! Oohh… I've just made a rhyme!" Jim declared.

McCoy put his hand to his head, muttering to himself. Then he glared at Jim. "Mind if I have a quick word with our new friend here before you take off?" he asked.

"Sure thing, Bones," Jim agreed, waving his hand carelessly. McCoy reached down and grabbed Spock by the collar of the makeshift blue shirt, lifting him up and carrying him a short distance away.

"Alright you damn green-blooded hobgoblin…" he began angrily.

"Please explain the reason for your insult," Spock said dryly.

McCoy closed his eyes. "Alright, fine, let's start over… I'm Doctor Leonard McCoy, also known as the March Hare. And you are?"

"Spock, son of Sarek, of Vulcan."

McCoy nodded. "I knew you were a Vulcan the second I laid eyes on you. You have that look about you…"

Spock lifted an eyebrow.

"Anyways, you listen to me, Spock… I don't know what Jimmy is thinking by taking you off without letting me accompany him, but you behave yourself, got it? Last time there was a Vulcan here in Underland, it did something to Jimmy. He was perfectly fine, and then one day he wasn't fine anymore and his mind… it just shattered, is all. And then Nero, that's the Red King, he showed up and then everything in our lives went to hell. I've been trying to help Jimmy out, but he's pretty well broken at this point, and if you mess with his head any further, I'll squash you like a bug, don't think I won't, you understand me?"

Spock just nodded, deciding that was easier than trying to argue with the obviously irate doctor.

"Bones, come on, I need to take him to the White Queen as soon as possible," Jim whined.

"Alright Jimmy, keep your shirt on. I don't need to be treating any passersby for heart attacks after they get a look at your fine half-naked self."

Jim managed a half-grin as McCoy picked Spock up again and deposited him lightly on the brim of the hat. Then Jim put the hat on his head again and started off at a brisk walk.

"Frifarren, all!" he called over his shoulder. Sulu just glared after them, his arms crossed.

"But you haven't had your tea!" McCoy yelled.

"Mind your head," Jim whispered. No sooner had he spoken, then a teapot came flying past his head. Spock ducked, wondering if McCoy might not be just as mad as Jim appeared to be.

They walked on for quite a while through a dark forest. Soon Jim was mumbling to himself in a Scottish brogue that would have rivaled Scotty's.

"'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, and the mome raths outgrabe," he murmured.

Spock gripped the brim of the hat and cautiously lowered himself to sit on the shoulder of Jim's gaudy overcoat. "Sorry? What was that?" he asked.

"Sorry? What was what?" Jim asked innocently. His blue eyes had taken on a strange faraway light. "The Jabberwock with eyes of flame, the jaws that bite, the claws that catch… Beware of the Jabberwock, my son, and the frumious Bandersnatch. He took the vorpal sword in hand, the vorpal blade went snicker-snack. He left is dead, and with its head, and he went galumping back… It's all about you, you know."

Spock snorted derisively. "I will not be slaying anything. I follow the teachings of Surak, and therefore I do not slay. So put it out of your mind."

"Mmmm… Mind…" Jim muttered, his eyes glazing over a bit. Then he grabbed the back of Spock's shirt and deposited him lightly on the ground, then started walking away.

"Wait! You cannot leave me here!" Spock exclaimed, trying his best to follow despite his small size.

"You don't slay…" Jim said with an angry snort. "Do you have any idea what Nero has done? And you say that you don't slay…"

"I could not." Not unless it was to defend a mate, but that wasn't something Spock wanted to bring up again.

"You're not the same as you were before," Jim said sadly. "You were much more… much more muchier… You've lost your muchness."

"My muchness?" Spock repeated.

Jim stopped, kneeling down to stare deep into Spock's brown eyes. Then he poked his stomach lightly with his finger. "In there. Something's missing. It's a shame… I thought things would be different when you came back." Then he stood up and started walking away again.

Spock followed. "Tell me what the Red King has done."

"It's not a pretty story."

"Tell me anyway."

Jim stopped walking. When Spock had caught up with him, he reached down and put the tiny Vulcan back on his shoulder and kept walking through the foliage. After several minutes, they found themselves in an area that was blackened and scorched. Jim glanced around miserably.

"This is where it happened," he whispered. "The White Queen is a brilliant woman… She commanded that a school be started for the best and brightest young minds… Starfleet Academy. I attended that school, you know." He closed his eyes, clearly reliving that terrible day.

"There was a festival… Some great party or other… Everyone was having a wonderful time. And then we were ambushed. Nearly an entire class of students was cut down where they stood. I helped get the Queen to safety. Most of my friends were slaughtered. Some managed to escape. The head of the school, Pike, he was captured and taken along with a handful of students and teachers. They are in prison, awaiting execution no doubt."

"How did he take you by surprise?" Spock asked.

"The Jabberwocky… it is a formidable foe," Jim said simply. "They took away the Vorpal sword, the only weapon we had that could have defeated the Jabberwocky. And we have all been essentially in hiding ever since, just trying to recover enough to attack Nero and renew our Queen to the throne."

Spock stared at him. Grief, rage, horror, all of these emotions danced across his face. And there was something else under all of that, some terrible confusion and madness that controlled him more cruelly than any of his other torments. "Jim?" he asked at last.

Jim's head jerked up, banishing the memories with a few blinks of his damp blue eyes. "I'm fine. Just fine. Really."

"Are you?" Spock asked softly.

Jim said nothing, but something again flickered across his face, some emotion that Spock could not identify. "Did you hear that? I'm certain I heard something…" he said vaguely.

At first Spock thought this was just a distraction, but then he realized that he could hear something as well.

"Red Knights!" Jim hissed. He quickly stuffed Spock into his front pocket and took off at a run, leaping over stumps and dodging around trees, but soon he was surrounded by Red Knights. He glanced down at Spock. "You must got south to Grampas Bluffs. The White Queen's castle is just beyond. You'll be safe there." And with that, he swept off his hat magnificently. "Jump on the hat," he hissed.

Spock jumped, clinging desperately to the band. Then Jim flung his arms wide, sending the hat and Spock flying off over the treetops.

"DOWN WITH THE BLOODY RED KING!" was the last thing Jim shouted that Spock could hear. He flew through the air and landed on a patch of soft grass. Brushing himself off, Spock stood and looked around. Realizing that it was now quite dark, he decided to stay there for the night, and he slipped under the hat for shelter.