"Harley-Warley-Woo!" called Joker the next day, striding into the rec room. "I've got a surprise for you, my precious little snugglekitten!"
"I ain't a cat!" snapped Harley, angrily flipping the channels on the TV. She was completely fed up with this new Joker, and no longer had the patience to play along.
"No, but you are my precious little snugglekitten, ain't ya, baby?" he purred, going over to hug her.
"Stop touching me!" she shouted, shoving him away. "Just keep your hands to yourself, would ya?"
"Aw, you're cute when you're angry, Harleypooh," he sighed adoringly. "And look what your loving Mr. J has got for ya!"
He returned a moment later with a painted canvas, a picture of the two of them kissing and Joker Loves Harley Quinn Forever written across the top. "I made it just for you, cuddlepie!" he said, beaming.
Harley gazed at it in a mixture of frustration and fury, and suddenly punched her fist through the canvas. "What's wrong with you, Mr. J?!" she sobbed, seizing him around the collar. "Why are you doing this to me?!"
"I don't know what you mean, hugglecakes, I thought you'd love it," said Joker, surprised. "I thought you'd love it as much as I love you, my precious pumpkie-wumpkin. I do love you, y'know…"
"Stop saying that!" shrieked Harley. "And why do you keep glancing at the clock when you do?!"
"Just wanna make sure you hear it at least every hour," replied Joker, grinning. "You deserve to hear it as often as possible, my little snuggly-wuggly-woo!"
"Would you cut it out with the nicknames?!" demanded Harley. "I mean it, Mr. J, I ain't gonna play with you anymore! You don't stop right now and I'm gonna get tough!"
"You know I'll enjoy whatever you do, my precious little snugglemuffin," he cooed, leaning forward to kiss her.
"Just back off!" snapped Harley, shoving him away again. "All right, Mr. J. If you're gonna push me, I got no choice. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I was hoping it wouldn't have to come to this but…" She thought desperately. "But…but…but the whole you and me thing is a lie. Always was. I'm madly in love with Batman. I'm only using you to get close to him. He's who I think about when we're making love."
Joker chuckled. "Well, that's ok, pooh, so do I! I'm kinda mad for him myself. That cute little costume of his and those rock-hard abs would drive anyone wild, wouldn't they, Harleykins?" he murmured, leaning forward again.
Harley punched him in the face. "I ain't Harleykins!" she shrieked. She hit him again, hard. "Now, c'mon, Mr. J, hit me back!" she hissed, half furiously and half pleadingly. "Please hit me back! Please stop all this being nice to me crap and act like the man I fell in love with! C'mon, give me a good, strong punch, please, please, please, please, please!"
Joker stared at her. "Now Harley, that wouldn't be a very nice thing to do to my schnooky-wooky-wookums, would it?" he asked. "And I gotta be nice to the dame I love, ain't that right, Pammie?"
"Hmm?" Ivy had been trying to ignore them by watching TV, but was brought back to reality when her name was mentioned.
"Hitting Harley wouldn't be a nice thing for me to do, and I gotta be nice to her, don't I, Pammie?" he asked, grinning.
"No, no, no, you don't!" cried Harley. "You don't gotta do that at all! Please stop it, Mr. J, please! I'm begging you! Red, tell him he can stop!"
Ivy glared at Joker and then said, "Harley, can you excuse us for a moment, please?"
"Sure Red, no problem," said Harley, rushing from the room.
Joker's adoring smile dropped the moment she left. "Getting cold feet, Pammie?" he chuckled. "Thinking you'll lose after all?"
"If it were up to me, I'd make you finish the week," she retorted. "But I can't stand to see Harley suffer anymore. Although you look like you can't take much more of it either, J. I thought I saw a vein in your temple throbbing for an instant back there, and your smile looked a little forced when she was talking about Bats."
Joker shrugged. "It's a difficult act to keep up, but for that amount of money I'd do almost anything."
"Well, I won't hurt Harley anymore," retorted Ivy. "Although apparently that's what she likes, but she is crazy. I'm willing to call off the bet if you are."
"What, you mean neither of us wins?" demanded Joker. "That's the worst kind of result, Pammie! I loathe ties – it just makes both of you the losers!"
"Or both of you the winners, depending on your perspective," replied Ivy. "In this case, neither of us gets a vast amount of money, but you get to stop fawning over Harley, and I get to stop having to watch it. That's a good result in my book."
Joker nodded slowly. "You make a fair point. After all, what's the good of money if you're too crazy to enjoy it? And any more of this lovey dovey crap is gonna drive me stark raving bonkers. Ok, Pammie, bet's off."
"I gotta consult the guys first…" began Ivy.
"Anything that makes the horror stop is fine by me," said Crane, looking up from his book. "And I'm sure the others are in agreement."
Ivy nodded and returned her attention to the TV as Joker sat down next to her on the sofa and watched the screen. He didn't hear Harley approaching from behind with a lamp, which she suddenly smashed into the back of his head.
Joker cried out in pain and whirled around furiously. "Don't hit me, you little brat!" he roared, snatching the lamp from her hands and smashing it on the ground. He then threw her a punch that sent her flying into the back wall.
Harley rose to her feet slowly, beaming. "Puddin'?" she whispered. "Oh, puddin', you're back!" she squealed, leaping into his arms and covering his face with kisses.
"Yeah, yeah, get offa me, you worthless dame!" he growled, shoving her away.
"Oh, Mr. J!" she breathed, adoringly. She beamed at Ivy. "Thanks, Red, I dunno what you did to get him back, but I owe you big time!"
"I just called off the bet, Harley," replied Ivy.
Harley looked confused. "What bet?"
"Pammie bet I couldn't be nice to you for a week," retorted Joker. "A week without abuse and violence, treating you with nothing but respect, love, and affection."
Harley stared from him to Ivy. "Red," she gasped. "How could you do that to me? How could you be so cruel?!"
"I thought it would be a nice change!" snapped Ivy. "How am I supposed to know you enjoy being used as a punching bag?"
"Because you're supposed to know me, Red!" snapped Harley. "You're my best friend!"
"I guess I just didn't realize how crazy you actually were, Harley," retorted Ivy. "Crazy and stupid, to enjoy the clown abusing you and taking advantage of you! Some would call that completely idiotic!"
Harley glared at her, then without warning punched her in the face. "Take it back, Red!" she shrieked. "I ain't stupid! I ain't, I ain't, I..."
Ivy immediately returned the blow, and the two were soon in a fight, struggling on the floor. Two-Face and Crane hurried over to pull them apart, but Joker held up a hand to stop them.
"Just think about it for a second, boys," he murmured, staring at the fight. "Does anybody actually wanna stop this?"
Two-Face looked at the girls and shook his head. "I do not."
"Typical guys," growled Ivy. "Always thinking with your…"
"Clock this one, Red!" snapped Harley, punching her in the back of the head.
The Arkham guards rushed to pull them apart at last, which was good for Harley, as Ivy had managed to get her into a headlock and was punching her repeatedly. The guards dragged Ivy back to her cell and Joker glared at Harley in disgust.
"I can't believe you lost, Harley," he growled. "You really are a useless, worthless waste of space, aren't you?"
"Yeah, puddin'," murmured Harley. "Yeah, I am." She sighed in relief, nuzzling her head against his shoulder. "Thank goodness things are back to normal, huh, puddin'?"
In response, he shoved her to the ground and went back to watching TV. "Yeah," sighed Harley, answering herself again. "I love you too, puddin'."