Matsuda knew it had gotten bad when L insulted Light Yagami via public broadcasting. Matsuda was beginning to wonder if L used letters, like a normal person. Or what about e-mail? Did he really have to interrupt every news station in Tokyo just to make Light's life difficult? It was juvenile, really. Sure, Matsuda wasn't always Light's number one fan, but it had never even occurred to him to embarrass him over national television, ever. Mainly because he'd find a bomb in his desk the next day.
Matsuda had been watching the news and petting his cat, Fluffy. However, his wonderful news-watching, cat-petting extravaganza was interrupted. Not by a tsunami warning or a nuclear plant failure drill, or anything, really, that calmed Matsuda with its repetitive, expected nature. No, nothing so reassuring. It was instead interrupted by the giant gothic L and the robot voice that had always reminded him of the Terminator.
"I recognize that my interruption of public broadcasting would be illegal in most cases. However, this is an urgent broadcast that impacts all spheres of public safety. I understand that for some people, I am a role model. Such a legally ambiguous action is likely shocking. For those of you whose foundations of faith in the human race are shaken by this action, get over yourselves and find a more suitable role model. In person most people think I'm a heroin addict. This is a matter of public concern. It needs to be addressed, no matter the means. Additionally, I paid every single news station to air this message. So it's not as illegal as you think it is."
Matsuda was getting more anxious with every single word L uttered. He brought out his cellphone and tried to think of who to call. Normally, he'd call Light—but he had the distinct feeling that Light would just laugh hysterically and say that everything was going according to plan. Which, knowing Light, it probably was. He thought some more. The old chief probably wouldn't appreciate the phone call; he didn't like to be disturbed on Light-related business. Matsuda scrolled through his contacts until he found one that he had completely forgotten about.
He blinked when he saw the name; the memories came rushing back and he began to smile. Matsuda had made a very good decision when he had hired Naomi Misora.
He began to call and listened to the ring tone, also keeping an ear on L's televised speech.
"I'm here to talk about a certain Inspector Yagami Light's sex life. I was going to talk about his childhood, that embarrassing Christmas party, or that time with that hooker in that gas station, but I thought this would be more appropriate." L paused as if smiling or laughing to himself; the result was that the mechanistic voice seemed inappropriately quiet. Matsuda had an inexplicable mental image of Arnold Schwarznegger kicking a small kitten who looked alarmingly like Fluffy.
Matsuda got up and began to pace, muttering, "Pick up, pick up, pick up—come on, Naomi, I know you want to pick up." Fluffy meowed, but he ignored her and began to tear at his hair.
"You see, recently, I've discovered that inspector Yagami is hiding a secret. In the closet, so to speak. Light Yagami is not only a homosexual, but he is also in love with a transvestite named Mello. This has now become a matter of public concern because Light Yagami was caught not only taking erotic photographs of poor Mello, but has also sold them in a calendar called 'M'. It's just despicable, what he's done, and I want you people of Japan to understand: if you buy a single calendar, you are subscribing to Yagami Light's twisted hooker fetish. The collateral abuse of Mello is simply appalling. While I can't take up a case on this, I can publically condemn everything Light has done to torment Mello. Any accompanying public outrage would be unfortunate, but completely condoned."
Matsuda almost dropped the phone when he turned to see Light Yagami's face on national television. It was a casual photo, one Matsuda had no idea how L would manage to get a hold of. Light was staring off into the distance vacantly, wearing aviators. It didn't make Light look recognizable so much as ridiculous. Matsuda guessed that was kind of the point.
"People of Japan, if you are to see this man, I want you to remind him what a horrible, sick person he is. I want you to spit in his face and shove him in the gutter, and then I want you to step on him. The sexual purity of Japan depends upon it. I do hope that you enjoy the rest of the scheduled programming and that you forgive my incredibly rude interruption."
The L on the television winked out and the news station returned, but Matsuda's cellphone was still ringing as he waited for Naomi Misora to pick up.
Naomi Misora was getting very bored, but even intense boredom didn't justify the fact that she had sunk so low as to play Go Fish with Light Yagami. (Poker wasn't fun with only two people.)
Naomi sighed and looked out the window, across the street, and through the rain to the empty apartment where the whale plushies waited.
"Are you absolutely sure your sister wouldn't just make this up in order to screw us over?" Naomi finally asked.
Light laid down two of his cards. For a moment he looked like he was going to say something important. Then: "Do you have any threes?"
"I'm serious. We've been sitting here for twelve hours. What's the likelihood that we are completely wasting our time?" Naomi didn't want to get in a gun fight with Light Yagami, but if she had to spend one more hour with him, she wasn't sure she would actually care anymore. She missed Raye; Raye was so normal compared to these people.
"I'm serious, too. Do you have any threes?" Light asked again.
"No. Now answer my question!"
"You didn't say 'Go Fish'. I get the feeling that you're not into the game," Light mused. "Would you like to play something else?"
Naomi didn't say anything and just looked at Light. After a moment of awkward staring, Light laid his hand face down and began to talk. "Sayu knows better than to try to trick me so bluntly. She learned that lesson the last time."
"…She's your sister."
"Oh no, I didn't beat her. Not my style, Naomi. I just told Dad that she was dating a heroin dealer. She was sent to rehab."
Naomi paused. "Is Sayu a heroin addict?"
"No, but it was still hilarious." Light grinned. "Sayu knows that it's worth it to just tell me where the whale-man is rather than just bullshit me in the hope that I won't notice or care. Because I will notice, and she will be screwed."
Naomi turned to look at the apartment across the street. "Did anyone ever tell you that you have major family problems?"
Just at that moment, Naomi's cellphone began to ring. She pulled it out of her pocket and looked at the caller I.D. "Matsuda?" she said in surprise. "He does know we're on a stake-out, right?"
"Don't answer it," Light said, and then paused to explain. "It's just Matsuda being stupid."
Naomi looked at the phone dubiously, wondering if she wanted to take Light's advice in anything. He thought his sister being sent to rehab was funny—probably not the most reliable guy. Matusda may have been an idiot, but perhaps he was going to warn her last minute that, "Oh by the way, Light is a vampire overlord, so he might drink your blood and leave your carcass in a dumpster. Hope you have silver bullets!"
Naomi listened to the vibrations for a few minutes, wondering why they didn't stop. She looked at Light. Light glared. Naomi pressed talk. "Hello?"
"Naomi, did you see the news just now?" Matsuda screamed into the phone. Naomi looked over at Light, who was looking more exasperated by the minute. She wondered if Light's other bloody carcasses had been found and took a sideways glance at Light, who seemed unfazed.
"Matsuda, Light and I are kind of on a stake-out right now. Of course I haven't seen the news." She was beginning to wonder if stake-out was some sort of sick, unwitting pun on her part. Especially since she hadn't actually brought the necessary wooden stakes to defend herself.
"Oh, well, L's done it this time! I mean, I knew they were at war, but they've never done this before! This is bad, really bad! The big bad of badness!"
Naomi paused. Light apparently wasn't a vampire, which was good news.
"Did L slaughter Light's relatives?"
Light started at that and asked, "Did L slaughter who?"
"What? He did what?" Matsuda asked in stark terror.
"No, did he?" Naomi asked. "I assume it was really bad, like you said, and knowing L, really bad would be murdering Light's entire family."
Matsuda paused and awkwardly chuckled. "Oh no, nothing like… L came onto national television! And he talked about Light's, um, his, um, sex life!"
Naomi paused and looked over at Light, who looked back with a tilted head. "Light has a sex life?"
"That's not the point! It's spread to national television! The war has spread to national television! Next is blowing things in Tokyo up! It's getting worse!"
Naomi hung up on Matsuda and looked over at Light.
"I told you, it's just Matsuda being stupid."
Light was getting extremely bored.
He had resorted to imagining what it would be like to finally shove Matsuda's thick head on a sharpened wooden spike. Aside from being bloody and somewhat disgusting and unnecessary, he was getting the feeling that it would be more fun than a stake-out on a so far empty apartment.
At this rate, he was starting to think he might get cabin fever. That was a whole new problem to tackle.
Light dragged his arm over his eyes and sighed, wishing that he had decided to become a doctor instead of a policeman. Then he wouldn't have to deal with Matsuda or whale cases or L or his sex life ever again. Though, he couldn't shoot things as often.
"Naomi, please tell me he's home," Light said when he heard a car pull up to the curb.
Naomi paused. "Actually, yes, I think this is our man. …Why does a squatter have a car?"
Light removed his arm and looked out the window to a man whose car had been spray-painted with whales of all shapes, sizes, and positions. They leaped, they dived, they swam, they smiled, they blew… Light looked over to Naomi. "That's almost too obvious."
"He harpoons people and makes blood fountains with whales. I don't think he's doing this because he thinks he's subtle."
"Touché."
Light and Naomi peered over the window and surveyed the man as he got out of his car. Naomi glanced sideways at Light. "Do you have a warrant?"
"No, don't need one. We'll wait."
Naomi turned to look at him. "What if he doesn't come out? I mean, clearly this guy is insane. It could be days before he leaves again."
Light shrugged. "I doubt very much that he has whales in this dump. He'll leave."
"Just because he has whales painted on his car and whale plushies in his apartment, and he murders in the name of whales, does not mean that he absolutely needs whales where he lives."
"I'm running with the theme, Naomi. Give him time." Light held up his hand and brought out his gun.
"We've been here all day. I will be damned if I spend another moment in this hell hole!" Naomi whispered, bringing out her own gun.
"And one wonders how you made it through the LABB case with that attitude," Light muttered.
Naomi set down her gun. "Beyond Birthday's main goal was lighting himself on fire. He did not care about my presence or my attitude in the slightest. And believe me, I wasn't thrilled to be there, either…." Naomi trailed off and muttered something about jam and rolling on the floor and long useless conversations with L. She didn't want to think about how Light had found out about that so quickly.
The man came stumbling out of the building, his dropping more of his armful of plushies, several pumps, and a basin with every step.
Light smiled. "What did I tell you. The man needs whales."
"I thought you were supposed to obey traffic laws when you work for the national police department," Naomi commented calmly while she clutched the side of the car, white-knuckled, as Light tore after the whale van. Everything she had said about Light being a good driver was thrown out the window. She had no idea how she'd been so thoroughly duped.
How had it come to a car chase after a man who killed in the name of whales? Where had she gone wrong? Why had she not committed suicide yet?
"I take them into consideration," Light responded, veering left after the whale car as it attempted to speed into the distance.
"Like hell." Naomi pulled out her gun and leaned out the window. "At least try to drive straight so I can shoot the tires."
"Pretty sure shooting tires in the middle of a car chase is illegal." Light swerved away from the oncoming traffic; Naomi found herself in the back seat. "I wonder where he's going, anyway? Tokyo isn't exactly the greatest place for a car chase."
"Yes, but the sooner I stop that car, the less likely you are to crash into a streetlamp. I thought I said to drive straight, you bastard!"
Light swerved again and then ran the red light in order to follow the whale trail.
It was probably the Beyond Birthday fiasco that had ruined her life, but that had happened because she hadn't shot a junkie. So if she went back far enough, she was in this position because she had morals. Naomi's moral values had gotten her stuck in a car that rushed toward certain death, chasing after a car graffitied with a giant whale mural.
"Oh, I almost forgot," Light said and brought up his cellphone.
Damn morals.
"I thought you were driving!" screamed Naomi.
"Family policy." Light began to dial on his phone, looking down for a moment. The car drifted onto a sidewalk, frightened five pedestrians, and rolled over a trashcan before he looked up. The phone began to ring.
"Who the hell could you be calling now? Who is that important?"
Light held up his finger and listened to the ringtones. Then his face brightened. "Hello, Dad, thought I'd check in. How are things?"
There was a slight pause as Light barely made a right hand turn, avoiding a high rise apartment by half an inch. "That's great. Tell mom I said hello. Well, I just called to tell you that I have a new partner. That's right. Yes. No. Yes. Yes. Dad, please show a little faith—I can practically hear your disappointment."
They turned into what looked like a ship yard. Naomi was getting a vague but unfortunate idea of where they were headed.
"Light, we have a slight problem," Naomi said, pointing to the car as it began to speed toward the end of the pier. "I think he's going to go for it."
"No, Dad, I did not make that calendar… Someone else must have gotten that footage; I don't know who. Even if I did, they gave him a restraining order. He's a drug lord and they let him get a restraining order against a law official. What was I supposed to do, sit there? Yes? Well, good thing I didn't do it, then." Light trailed off, completely ignoring Naomi.
"Light, can't you hang up or something? We're going to lose him." She had given up on shooting the tires after her gun ended up under the driver's seat.
"Well, I did become a police man. I could have become a surrealist painter, you know. I did follow in your footsteps and I am very good at my job…. Oh, sorry Dad, breaking up, going through a tunnel. Can't hear you. Have to call back later. Yes. Mmmmmm. Right. Bye." Light clicked the end button and refocused his attention on driving.
But it was too late. There went the whale car over the pier. Light brought his car to a screeching ten-foot stop. Both he and Naomi got out.
They looked at the slowly sinking whale plushies and turned to each other. "I guess we could swim after him," Naomi said slowly.
They watched as the whale man crawled out of his car and flailed, shrieking. When he found his swimming groove, he immediately scooped up the whale plushies. Because he had to save the whales.
"Be my guest." Light said, "We can get him later. Now that he doesn't have a car, we'll look for the stuffed whale salesman."
"I'm serious!"
"So am I. He's going to have to carry all that shit himself, now. It's going to be very conspicuous."
"No, he wouldn't… My God, he might."
The serial killer swam off into the distance. The whales trailed after him.
Scourge's Note: WILL THEY CATCH THE WHALE KILLER? HOW MANY MORE INNOCENT VICTIMS WILL HE CLAIM? AND HOW MUCH BLOOD WILL OCCUR AT THE YAGAMI FAMILY DINNER?
Thanks for reading, reviewing, and caring about the answers to ridiculous questions like that. You guys are excellent.