*A/N And in this episode, the lovely characters will directly parody book #5!!*

Kitchenmorphs #4-- "The Predator Who's Related to ME!"

It all started when Wax got homesick. When an alien gets homesick, you're really in for disaster.

My name is Marcus. You know I can't tell you my last name or where I live because the Jerks are all around me. They could be anyone. You might even be a Jerk!

I used to hate fighting the Jerks...but now, I have a reason.

One day we all met at Casey's restaurant. Jack told me it was important. (He ALWAYS said it was important no matter what, so I tended not to believe him)

When I arrived, everyone else was already there...Jack, Casey, Rochelle, Toby the can opener, and Wax the soup can. Jack is the leader of our group; Casey is the one concerned with morals, Rochelle is just bloodthirsty, Toby's a Thilnit...and Wax is an Analise. Me? I'm sarcastic and I like the word insane.

"We have a problem," Casey announced. "Wax wants to go home."

"Go home?" asked Rochelle.

"Yeah, home as in the Analise planet," Jack said.

{I will tell them that the Earth is in worse trouble than first thought,} said Wax.

"How are we going to get him home?" I asked.

{We'll steal a Jerk ship. I know a help signal I can send out, I just need some equipment,} Wax said.

"Wonderful, sounds like suicide," I muttered. "I'd rather have my guts boiled in vinegar.."

"Oh, come on Marcus. Wax is going to morph ant and come with us to the mall to pick up his supplies."

"Who's us?"

"You and me."

"I was afraid of that..."

"Casey and Rochelle are busy, and we really can't take a can opener with us," Jack pointed out.

"I hate it when you're right," I muttered.

"Let's get going. We'll go to the woods first so Wax can demorph, then go to ant."

When Wax was an ant and carefully stored in my pocket, Jack and I took him to the mall. We picked up his supplies and brought them back to the woods behind Casey's house, where Wax set the whole thing up.

Unfortunately the next day was a Saturday, and we were all expected to attend this little gathering and watch Wax do his work.

We were all morphed to battle mode, just in case. I hate "just in case," I really do.

Rochelle was a pair of scissors, Jack was a knife, Casey was a frying pan and I was a pot of boiling water. Toby was himself, a can opener, and Wax was himself the Analise. Wax sent out the signal and morphed to fork.

{Send a ship please!} he sent.

A few minutes later a ship appeared, and a couple Fork-Unclear came out. We made short work of them.

When we went in, we found a trap waiting for us. Racon Screems were pointed at us from every direction. If we even slightly moved, we would be tickled.

Spitter 27 was in the crowd of Naxnons and Fork-Unclear. He stepped forward.

{Foolish Analise! That signal was changed a year ago!} he said. {And besides, we never say please! We're Jerks!}

Jack said some very creative words that I don't feel comfortable repeating, and Wax began to cry .

{Now I will take you all to Spitter 29, the most powerful of all Spitters!}

{If we ever get out of this alive,} Rochelle growled, {I will personally rip the Jerks from their throats with my bare hands!}

{Rochelle...calm down,} said Casey.

Four Fork-Unclear moved behind us and pointed their Racon Screems at us. Spitter 27 led us to a dark room and locked us in.

Wax was still crying.

{Wax, cut it out,} Jack said, annoyed.

{Sorry, Prince Jack.}

We all felt Jack's ego expanding. {Now, we have to think of something to get us out of here,} Jack said.

A couple of hours passed, but we couldn't think of one darned thing.

We were taken to a huge ship, at least ten times larger than the first one.

{This is the Jerks' main ship, the Big Ship!} Wax exclaimed. We were then locked in another dark room.

{This is getting a little tedious,} I muttered.

{Tedious is an understatement! I'm bloody annoyed! Let me at them I'm going to kill them all!}

{Rochelle, please,} Jack said.

We waited a little while, and that's when it happened.

Spitter 27 walked in with seven Fork-Unclear.

{Now, Analise scum, I present to you...} A drum roll sounded in the distance...{Spitter 29!}

A woman walked in, and if I'd had any internal organs, I would have barfed them up.

The woman was my mother's brother's sister's cousin's aunt's half-brother's brother-in-law's former cousin Jim's best friend's worst enemy's Aunt Gertrude!

But Gertrude was supposed to be dead. She was killed in a bungee jumping accident two years previous.

{No,} I whispered.

{Marcus, stay calm,} Jack said so only I could hear. He was the only one who knew that it was Gertrude.

{It's Gertrude! It's my mother's brother's sister's cousin's aunt's half-brother's brother-in-law's former cousin Jim's best friend's worst enemy's Aunt Gertrude!}

{No, it's not. She's being controlled by a Jerk. It's not really her, Marcus.}

{But...}

{I know how you feel...my own brother is a Jerk! We'll rescue your mother's brother's sister's cousin's aunt's half brother's brother-in-law's former cousin Jim's best friend's worst enemy's Aunt Gertrude and Tim someday, I promise!}

{Jack, don't tell the others. I don't want them to know.}

{Okay, Marcus.}

That's when my mother's brother's--That's when Gertrude...Spitter 29, started talking.

"So these are the Analise who have been causing so many problems."

{Yes. I captured them all, all by myself!} Spitter 27 said proudly.

Spitter 29 smiled cruelly at us, then turned to him. "I wan them kept here until they are trapped in morph. I want them destroyed, not infested." With that she walked out, with the Fork-Unclear and Spitter 27 close behind.

{Guys, I have an idea,} Jack said. {We could demorph, then morph ant and crawl out of here, find that other ship, and Wax could fly us home!}

{That's absolutely insane!} I wailed.

{Do you have a better idea?}

{Nope.}

{Then SHUT UP!}

{So let's go!} Rochelle growled. {Oh...but what about Toby?}

{You guys have to do what you have to do. You can leave me hwere, as long as there's a chance of you guysfighitng those jerks, and saving the world,} Toby said. Violins played somewhere in the distance.

But we never got to go through with the plan.

Spitter 29 walked into the room, alone, and armed with a Racon Screem.

"Hello, Analise. I'm going to let you go. You see, that would make trouble for Spitter 27. I like making trouble for Spitter 27. I want to get repeated revenge on him for totalling my car. I TOLD HIM THAT HE COULDN'T DRIVE WITH THOSE HOOVES OF HIS BUT HE DIDN'T LISTEN!" Spitter 29 had tears in her eyes. "My poor car...Anyway, if you escape and no one knows it is my doing, Spitter 27 will be blamed. That means...He has to use the outhouse for a week!"

We all gasped at the cruelty of the punishment.

"Just go down the hall and take your fist left. My troops are all in the pool hall, but some of Spittter 27's might be on the lookout. You'll find a spaceship waiting that even the you Analise will know how to fly it. Good luck." With that, she left, sobbing about her totaled car.

{This is too good!} Rochelle yelled. {We can escape because she has a personal grudge against Spitter 27!}

{Do you think it's a trap?} asked Toby.

{Why would it be?} I asked. {She obviously hates Spitter 27, and letting us go will make him look really bad.}

{Marcus is right,} Jack said.

{THEN LET'S GO!} Rochelle yelled, and we went.

We ran into two of Spitter 27's Fork-Unclear, but Rochelle and Jack took care of them. We found the spaceship, and Wax demorphed and flew us back to Earth. When we got there I could barely restrain myself from kissing the dirt. In fact, I didn't restrain myself. Everyone laughed at me but I made rude gestures in their direction for retribution! MWAHAHAHAHA!

We went home, and all got grounded for staying out past midnight. Crap on our parents for not being able to know that we're actually saving the world!

Someday, I'll rescue my mother's...Someday I'll rescue Gertrude, and then my state of mind will finally be restored to semi normal.

Until then, I fight the Jerks as best I can. And say the word insane a lot.