A/N: Final chapter! Thank you to everyone who's read and to Busman's Holiday once more for helping with the editing process.
Chapter Four
When Ste woke up the next morning, he expected Brendan to be long gone. It wasn't unusual for him; Ste had opened his eyes on many occasions to find an empty space beside him. He gave a soft sigh, pulling the covers over his face in defiance. He wasn't ready to get out of bed just yet.
Suddenly he felt a blast of cold air as the covers were ripped clean off him. He immediately wrapped his arms around his bare chest.
Brendan chuckled above him, tilting his head for a better view. "Nothing I haven't seen before, Steven."
"What are you doing?" Ste attempted to pull the covers back but Brendan held them firmly in his grip.
"We've got stuff to sort out. I need you out of bed and dressed in five minutes. No arguments." Brendan was already fully dressed in his suit from last night, slightly crumpled but still wearable.
"Gimme a minute to wake up," Ste grumbled, swinging his legs to the side of the bed.
"I've already let you sleep in long enough," Brendan told him, throwing some clothes in his direction.
Ste stared at him and the clothes, perplexed. "Are we going somewhere?"
"My contact is expecting us," Brendan told him promptly.
"What?" Ste asked blankly, slipping a t-shirt over his head but missing one of the arms. Brendan huffed impatiently, striding over and rearranging the shirt.
"I told you last night, I have people to sell the drugs to."
"But you want me to come?"
"Only as my lookout. Just in case Danny's got people watching us."
Ste gave him an incredulous look. "Seriously?"
"He's pretty thorough, Steven. Get your trousers on then, or do I have to dress you myself?" His voice was teasing but Ste still felt his cheeks flush in embarrassment.
"I can dress myself thanks."
"Alright, good." Brendan gave him a brief nod before sweeping out of the room without so much as a backwards glance. Ste was used to the coldness in the mornings but Brendan seemed edgier than normal.
Ste decided to do as he was told, just this once. He stumbled into the bathroom, yawning as he went. He splashed his face with cold water and brushed his teeth, spitting indelicately into the sink.
Brendan was in the kitchen when he came out, finishing off a coffee. He gave Ste an appraising look but seemed satisfied. Ste walked towards him, hoping to get himself a coffee at least before they left.
"No time for you," he told Ste, batting his hand away from the kettle. "Come on."
Ste sighed, grabbing his hoodie from the sofa.
"I've got your coat," Brendan said, thrusting it into his chest.
"Thanks," Ste said uncertainly, grabbing his phone and keys before he closed the door after them.
The morning was distinctly grey with specks of light straining to peer through. Ste squinted, rubbing his eyes tiredly. Brendan was already moving ahead of him, striding purposefully towards the village. Ste followed at his own pace, scuffing his shoes as he went. Despite the rude awakening, he was excited to be doing this with Brendan. He'd often wondered about Brendan's dodgy dealings and now he was going to be a part of it.
While they walked, Brendan paused a few times to glance back at him, as if making sure he was still there. He only began to slow down once they reached the edge of the park.
Ste caught up to him, not saying anything at first until Brendan stopped.
"We aren't selling here are we?" He asked, appalled.
Brendan sighed, giving him a level look. "What do you think? I just want to make sure we're both on the same page."
"Alright," Ste said awkwardly. "Go on then."
"You don't speak, not for anything. I do all the talking."
"We all know how much you love doing that," Ste muttered, loud enough for Brendan to hear.
Brendan continued, ignoring him. "You don't go near the guy. You're my lookout, not my back up. Got it?" He was staring at Ste, oddly intense now.
"Got it," Ste said eventually. He swallowed. "Where we meeting him then?"
"Through the trees."
"Is he buying all of them?"
"Yeah. Well, his boss is. Obviously doesn't want to come himself."
"Then why are you?" Ste frowned at him. "You don't normally."
Brendan looked at him carefully. "Too much risk, sending anyone."
"You could have sent me," Ste pointed out.
"Like I said, too much risk."
"So you don't trust me then?"
"It's not that," Brendan said brusquely.
Ste opened his mouth to question him further but Brendan silenced him.
"Come on, he'll be turning up soon."
He led him out of the park, into the line of trees.
"You wait here. If I give any sign, you go. Right?"
"Not without you though," Ste said stubbornly. "This is my fault, I'm not dropping you in it."
Brendan rolled his eyes impatiently. "Whatever you say. Just stay here, yeah?"
Ste nodded, staring at the ground. Brendan waited irritably beside him, bouncing on the balls of his feet.
"Are you nervous or something?" Ste asked after a while. Brendan stared at him curiously.
"Nervous? Why would I be?"
"I dunno, there's always a risk with this kinda thing, isn't there?"
"You tell me, Steven. You've become quite the expert yourself."
Ste grimaced. "I guess I walked into that one."
"Mm," Brendan murmured. "But no, I'm not nervous. I just want to get this finished."
"You don't have to help me you know. I'm the one that got involved in all this."
"Don't start all that again, please." Brendan shook himself. His expression suddenly cleared. "I think he's here."
Ste followed his gaze, spotting a man with dark hair in a leather jacket. Thick stubble grazed his jaw and his eyes were piercing, searching. He couldn't have been much older than Ste himself.
"He isn't what I expected," Ste noted, with a little laugh. "He looks alright."
Brendan turned to him slowly, his lips pressed tightly together. "What?"
Ste coughed, flustered when he realised how that sounded. "No, nothing."
Brendan continued to glare at him until Ste's eyes flew back to the man.
"You better go, he'll clear off otherwise."
Brendan finally broke his gaze, moving towards the man in question. They exchanged pleasantries, Brendan leaning in close to negotiate. Ste could barely hear them from where he was standing. It was only when their voices grew agitated and raised that he realised some dispute was going on. He stepped a little closer towards them but he needn't have bothered; the man was mouthing off loud enough now for Ste to hear him clearly.
"That isn't the agreed price, mate." He tapped Brendan's chest angrily. Ste saw Brendan's eyes narrow, his stance unpredictable.
Ste was moving before he even knew he needed to. Brendan had the guy by the collar, breathing hot, angry air in to his face.
"Brendan!" Ste shouted warningly.
Brendan ignored him. He took the money out of the guy's pocket, shoving the small package into his chest. He got close again, teeth bared.
Ste touched his arm, just once, and that seemed to bring him back. He let the guy go roughly, watching as he stumbled back away from him.
"You nutter," he spluttered. He had his phone out in moments.
Brendan grabbed Ste's arm, yanking him in the other direction.
"Come on," he said roughly. They broke out into a run until they were out of the clearing.
Ste's heart was hammering, his breath coming in short bursts. He felt exhilarated. He grinned at Brendan.
"That was close."
"I thought he was gonna call for back up," Brendan said distractedly.
"You shouldn't have gotten rough with him," Ste told him. Brendan looked at him then, expression darkening.
"Scared I was gonna hurt him, hm? Wanna go see if he's okay?" There was an edge to his voice that Ste hadn't heard before.
"You know that's not what I mean," he said quietly, beginning to get his breath back. "Anyway, it's done now."
"Yeah, except for Danny."
"Right." Ste's heart sank. "Well, I'll meet him later, won't I?"
"Come to me first."
"What for?" Ste asked blankly.
"Your cut," Brendan said as if it were obvious.
"You think that will be enough to get Danny off my back?"
"Should be. I can't think what else he'd want from you." There was that edge again. Ste wondered how things would be between them when all of this was said and done.
"I'll see you later then," he said awkwardly.
"Don't leave it too long, coming by."
"I won't," Ste promised. He shuffled away quickly, daring a glance back to find Brendan still watching him.
It was later in the day when Brendan saw Steven again. He knocked gently on the office door, his face peering through a small gap when Brendan invited him in.
"Are you busy?"
Brendan shook his head, standing as Steven entered. He went to the safe, punching in the code and withdrawing the correct amount, plus a little extra.
"If he gives you any trouble, offer him more money."
"And if he doesn't?"
"Keep it for yourself."
"Thanks," Steven said, pocketing it. "I'd best get going then."
"Already?"
"I texted him earlier, he said he has some other business to look into."
"Other business?"
"He didn't say what, I didn't wanna ask."
"No, course not," Brendan said distractedly.
"Anyway, I'll see you later."
"Wait," Brendan called him back. Steven stared at him expectantly but Brendan couldn't find the words. What he really wanted to say was Can I come with you? Instead he cleared his throat and sat back down at his desk. "Let me know how it goes, yeah?" He said, trying to keep his voice as neutral as possible. Steven nodded, looking faintly sick. Brendan wanted to say something comforting but again he found that the words wouldn't come.
Brendan sat for ten minutes deliberating what to do next. His leg was twitching underneath the desk, primed for action. Instead he sat idle, the work in front of him swimming before his eyes in a cloud of indifference. Eventually he resolved to move. He didn't know where Steven was meeting Danny but he supposed it was somewhere relatively private.
He checked the alleyway and the folly to no avail. He resolved to go back to the park and that was where he got lucky. Steven was sitting on a bench, hunched in on himself. His eyes were darting everywhere expectantly. Brendan wished he wouldn't look so conspicuous.
They were both spared further anxiety when Danny finally showed up. Brendan walked closer to pick up their conversation, keeping himself concealed behind some fortunate trees.
"I've got your money," Steven said quickly, producing a small, brown envelope from his pocket. He fumbled with it in the handover but Danny took it graciously enough, pocketing it in his suit.
"And my drugs?"
"Sold them," Steven said, eyes wide and earnest. If Brendan didn't know him better he'd believe the lie.
Danny looked thoughtful. "I have to say, I'm impressed."
"I'm done now though," Steven added hastily, stumbling a little over his words.
"Is that right?" Danny smiled pleasantly at him. "Walk with me a moment, won't you?"
"Erm-"
"That wasn't a question, Ste," Danny said, his voice low and cold.
Steven reluctantly did as he was told. Brendan hesitated from where he was standing but thankfully Danny didn't lead them in his direction. Brendan moved as they moved, straining to pick up their conversation.
"The thing is, Ste," Danny began, sounding deceptively casual. "I like a bit of notice when my employees decide to quit."
"I'm still working at the club," Steven said quickly. "It's just the extras I'm done with."
"Did Brendan put you up to this? That man really needs a hobby." Danny laughed at his own joke but Steven had tensed at the mention of Brendan's name. He sighed deeply. "I'm afraid I simply can't do it, Ste. Not without a higher price."
"I have more money," Steven reached back into his pocket but Danny held up a hand.
"Not really what I had in mind."
Brendan tensed involuntarily, his nostrils flaring.
"I can't do anything dodgy, Danny. I could lose my job at the club."
Danny laughed at that. "You have a very strange perception of your boss." He considered Steven for a moment. "I suppose I can't force you."
Steven breathed out in relief but Brendan knew he wasn't in the clear just yet.
Danny seemed to be struck by another idea, his face lighting up with it. He turned to Steven, smiling now.
"Come to think of it, I have a better candidate in mind for what I need."
Steven looked confused for a moment but he knew better than to argue.
"So we're done?" He asked hesitantly. Danny looked him over, expression unreadable.
"Yes, we most certainly are." Danny's eyes were twinkling with an unknown humour.
Steven, oblivious as was his way, smiled a little nervously before Danny left him.
Brendan wasted no time in approaching the younger man. Steven rolled his eyes, shoving his hands deep in his pockets.
"Did you follow me or something?"
"Is it all sorted?" Brendan said instead, ignoring his question.
"Yeah," he replied, a little uncertain. "I'm surprised really, I thought it would have taken more than that."
"Sounds like he's got someone else on his radar."
Steven raised his eyebrows. "Did you seriously listen in?"
"Someone had to make sure you didn't slip up."
"Oh right, I should have known it was about that."
"What's it about?" Brendan retorted, defensive.
Steven snorted, shouldering his way past him.
"Hey," Brendan caught up to him, moving to block his path. "Why are you getting your knickers in a twist, hm?"
Steven shook his head incredulously. "Just get out of my way, Brendan."
Brendan stood firm, amused by Steven's stubbornness. "We don't have to worry anymore, Steven. Things can go back to normal."
"Normal? None of this is normal, Brendan. Do you think I'm gonna carry on being your secret forever?"
"Why are you bringing this up again? What's gotten into you?" Brendan moved his hand to touch him but Steven was already flinching back, as if scared of his own resolve. "Steven," Brendan said sternly. "Come on, come back to mine," he added, softer.
"No," Steven said resolutely.
"Steven."
"No! If you think I'm just gonna come every time you click your fingers-"
"Now wouldn't that be a skill," Brendan murmured, smiling.
A flicker of a smile moved across Steven's lips. Brendan took this as his opening, stepping into Steven's space, crowding his senses.
For a moment Steven looked as if he might give in but then that stubborn resolve resurfaced. He took a definitive step back.
"I can't do it anymore, Brendan. I can't." He was getting himself worked up now, Brendan couldn't understand the necessity of it. His eyes were wide, his cheeks flushed with some unconcealed emotion. Brendan felt shaken by the sight of it.
Brendan sighed, pressing his fingers to his lips. He tried a different tact, attempting to diffuse the sudden change in atmosphere.
"Cheryl's out, we'd have the place to ourselves."
"You'd risk it?" Steven said, almost petulant. Brendan was drawing him back already.
Brendan smiled briefly, his hand brushing Steven's waist. "Yeah. Yeah I would."
"Am I supposed to feel grateful?"
Brendan shrugged, dropping his hand. "You can feel whatever you want, Steven. It's your choice."
Steven looked undecided, chewing his bottom lip.
"Well, whatever you decide, I'll be back at mine." Brendan took one step towards him, leaning in close enough to speak directly into his ear. "See you there."
Brendan knew he was being a cocky bastard but he also knew how Steven's mind worked. He'd be so affronted by the assumption that he'd come over specially to tell Brendan how pissed off he was. The moment he was in the flat that was it. Brendan walked away from him feeling assured that he'd see him very soon.
As if pulled by some invisible force, Ste found himself knocking on Brendan's front door. He opened it casually, leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed. A few of his shirt buttons were undone, his chest hair peeking out.
Ste paused, momentarily speechless. Brendan smiled slowly, completely aware of the effect he was having.
"What a pleasant surprise."
Ste shook himself, tensing his body all over. "I didn't come here for that."
"Then what did you come here for?" Brendan asked, amused.
Ste stepped past him, trying his best not to touch him in any way. Brendan looked out behind him, an old habit. He closed the door, turning back to Ste.
"Well?"
Ste straightened himself to his full height. "You can't just snap your fingers and expect me to come running."
"Of course I don't expect that," Brendan answered calmly. "I just thought a little celebration was in order."
"A celebration?" Ste repeated sceptically. "You're acting like we've won something."
"Haven't we?" Brendan stepped further into the room, circling Ste like a lion might circle his prey.
"We had a lucky escape from Danny. He might come calling again someday."
"He might."
"And you aren't worried about that?"
"You know me, Steven. Cool as a cucumber."
Ste snorted. "Yeah, right."
"Alright," Brendan acquiesced, looking a bit more serious now. "I guess I don't see the harm, when it's just the two of us."
Ste wavered then, disarmed by Brendan's honesty. Brendan took his uncertainty as a cue to come closer. Ste was sure a few buttons had disappeared again.
"What do you want?" Ste asked, swallowing thickly.
Brendan took another step towards him, bending his head in an attempt to catch Ste's gaze. "You know what," he said, voice so low that it sent a shiver through Ste.
Ste felt his heart flutter, his throat seize up. Brendan was close now, too close. Ste could feel his hot breath on his face. He was smiling, his hand moving to cup Ste's cheek.
"Brendan," Ste groaned, his voice strained.
Brendan brushed his thumb across Ste's jaw line. "Hm?" His eyes were half lidded, already taken over by the pull between them.
Ste shook his head, hardly knowing what to say. Instead he lurched forwards, catching Brendan's lips in a fierce kiss. Brendan let out a startled sound, half groan, half surprise. He caught Ste by the waist, pulling him deeper into the kiss.
Before Ste could catch his breath, Brendan had him pinned against the wall, his arms still around his waist with unparalleled certainty. Their lips broke apart, Brendan's attaching themselves to Ste's throat. Ste groaned helplessly, his body tingling with every kiss and caress.
Brendan pulled them towards the bedroom, the door crashing open in their wake. Ste had spent several nights in this room, but night hadn't yet fallen and it was almost surreal to see it in the daylight. Ste grinned at Brendan with unspoken affection. In response, Brendan pushed him backwards onto the bed, climbing on top of him with a low growl, his lips finding their favourite spot on Ste's collarbone.
"Bren," Ste breathed, hands resting on Brendan's chest.
"Shh," Brendan crooned, his hands beginning to roam down Ste's side. "No talking."
"Okay but what does this mean?" Ste asked in a rush. Brendan paused in his movements, sighing as he rested his forehead against Ste's.
"Can we not do this now?"
"Do I have to arrange a meeting or something?" Ste answered petulantly.
Brendan huffed a breath, rolling off of him.
"Sorry," Ste said, turning onto his side. "I just don't want this to be it."
"It?" Brendan repeated, squinting at him. "What are you on about?"
"I don't want us to go our separate ways after, you know?"
Brendan bared his teeth, laughing now. "You're all over the place, Steven. One minute you're telling me to get lost and the next-"
"That's the effect you have though, isn't it?" Ste interrupted.
"Effect?" Brendan questioned, curious now.
Ste smiled, feeling embarrassed. "Come on, you knew what you were doing when I turned up here."
Brendan shrugged, feigning innocence. "You know I'd never do anything you didn't want me to," he said quietly. Ste looked at him in some surprise for the genuine nature of his words.
"Of course I know that," he murmured.
"Then stop questioning it, yeah?" Brendan drew him close once more, their faces and bodies inches apart from where they laid on the bed.
"Okay," Ste agreed, unable to resist closing his eyes and feeling Brendan's lips covering his again.
The brief interlude made Brendan slow down, his hands hesitant and careful for a time, slowly revealing inch by inch of Ste's skin. It was a relief to finally feel his fingers working their way inside. He held Ste's body against his own, Ste's head cradled against his chest. Ste felt overwhelmed by the press of his body, the smell of him all-encompassing. He wouldn't forget this moment for a long time.
Brendan flipped Ste over, pulling him back into his arms as he entered him from behind. This wasn't a position they ordinarily did but Ste loved the intimacy of it, even though he couldn't see Brendan's face. Brendan pushed into him while his hands and lips found every crevice of Ste's body. He could feel Brendan's hot breath on his skin, could hear his grunts as his body jerked and pulsed inside of him. Ste tilted his head back to find Brendan's lips, their mouths sloppy as they tried to coordinate.
Ste could feel his body warming up in Brendan's embrace. He opened his eyes, knowing that his expression wasn't being checked, that he wore open adoration unashamedly.
Brendan cried out, his orgasm slamming into him with such a ferocity that even Ste felt it. Brendan rocked into him, his hand grasping Ste to bring him to the same conclusion. Ste spilled all over his hand and onto the bed sheets. Brendan held him firmly through it, stroking his sweat soaked hair away from his face. He kissed him once just below his earlobe and then pulled away. Ste shivered from the lack of contact, turning his face into the bed sheets to compose himself.
Brendan threw him some wipes, already cleaned up himself. He put on some boxers, sitting on the edge of the bed while Ste sorted himself out. Eventually he leaned back against the headboard. Wordlessly, Ste laid himself across his stomach, playing with the hairs on his chest.
Ste sighed contently, closing his eyes and listening to the sounds of Brendan breathing, his stomach rising and falling. Absently, Brendan brushed his fingers through the soft tangle of his hair, seemingly lost in his own thoughts. His hand found it's way to Ste's cheek, cupping it and drawing him close for a kiss. They looked at each other for a moment and Brendan opened his mouth to say something; Ste didn't know what he was thinking about. He searched his face questioningly but Brendan had already shut down. He was shifting as though readying himself to bolt. Ste felt the crushing disappointment weighing him down. He should have known better.
Brendan's phone began to buzz, a welcome distraction for the both of them. He reached over to check who it was and immediately stiffened.
"I gotta take this." He gave Ste a pointed look as he answered. "Danny." Ste stared at him with wide eyes, as though Danny was suddenly in the room with them. "Kinda in the middle of something here," he said quietly, turning away from Ste.
Ste could just about hear Danny's voice on the other end of the phone. He told Brendan they had a problem that needed sorting, and that Brendan had to get to the club.
"Where you going?" Steven asked, even though he already knew the answer. He wrapped the covers protectively around himself. Brendan gave him a look as if lamenting the sudden cover up.
"The club." Brendan was already getting dressed, pulling his shirt on quickly.
"What did Danny want?"
"I don't know," Brendan answered honestly. "Hopefully nothing important."
"You don't think he knows, do you? About the drugs?"
"Why would he, Steven? You didn't tell him, did you?"
"You know I didn't." He slid out of bed to find his clothes. "Look, forget him. We don't have to worry about him anymore. That's what you said."
Brendan snorted. "Maybe I was wrong. He still owns half the club."
Ste frowned. "Why can't you just buy him out?"
Brendan raised his eyebrows, growing exasperated now. "You got a couple of thousand hidden away somewhere, hm?"
"I was only saying."
"Don't," Brendan said bluntly, snatching up his keys and phone. "Look, I'll try and see you later, okay? I'll come to yours."
"Don't bother." Ste pulled on his uniform, doing up his black hoodie. Brendan was staring at him with the strangest expression on his face.
"I don't know what to do with you, Steven. I really don't."
"I thought things were gonna be different," Ste said, forcing his trainers on. "Guess I was wrong again." He moved towards the door but Brendan stopped him.
"Hey." Brendan grabbed his wrist, tugging him gently back towards him. "Don't be like that." He stroked his thumb over Ste's pulse. "I won't be long, promise."
"I'm getting a bit sick of your promises, Brendan." Ste pulled himself out of Brendan's grip. "It's the same thing, isn't it? We fuck and then you don't wanna know."
Brendan winced at his choice of words but Ste could tell he was getting angry now.
"What exactly do you want, hm? What do you think I can give you?"
"Nothing, absolutely nothing." Ste felt himself go cold all over. "I'll see you around."
He slammed the door on his way out, breathing hard against the wall. It was so easy for him to lose it when it came to Brendan. He wasn't sure how much longer he could take it. It was starting to grow dark now and Ste had a few hours before his shift started. He almost went home to shower, anything to get the scent of Brendan off of him. Despite himself, he didn't want to. Instead he took a walk and while he did so, he reflected.
He wondered if he'd been a bit hasty earlier. He was still stinging from the failed date not so long ago. He knew he couldn't push Brendan too far. He decided to go and find him at Chez Chez. Danny must have left by now and he was sure Brendan would linger there, always more comfortable in his own club than the SU bar.
He had only a moment's hesitation as he reached the office door. He hoped that Danny hadn't figured something out about the drugs. Taking a deep breath, he opened the door. He didn't bother to knock. If Brendan was alone he'd probably be expecting him. Unfortunately for Ste, he wasn't alone.
"Brendan, I just need to-" He stopped short when he saw Danny. There was something different in his expression, as though he was getting his measure of Ste in a way he hadn't needed to before.
Ste turned to Brendan. He looked horrified to see him at first but he recovered quickly. "Not now, Steven." Ste looked at him, wanting to say something, anything to diffuse the weird tension in the room. "Not now," Brendan said, firmer this time. He gestured with his head for Ste to leave. Ste fought the urge to roll his eyes, slipping the door shut as quickly as he'd opened it.
Not now.
That was all it ever was with Brendan. Waiting, always waiting. Ste was starting to wonder if he'd forever be waiting for Brendan. He knew it was ridiculous, knew that Brendan was trying to keep him out of whatever business he had with Danny. He'd tell him later, when he came round to his.
Except he didn't show, not that night or the next. Ste didn't hear a thing from him and Christmas was fast approaching. By Christmas Eve, Ste still hadn't seen him. It was like he was avoiding him at every opportunity. He wasn't at work; Cheryl had given him the time off to spend Christmas with Amy and the kids. He spent the last few days wrapping presents and staring at his phone, wondering if Brendan might call.
Eventually he got so tired of waiting that he turned his phone off altogether. If Brendan needed to see him, he'd come. Ste wasn't going to him this time, no chance. He was done.
31st December 2010
New years eve. The night when the past could be laid to rest, and everyone could start anew. Brendan knew it was a load of shit. Cheryl was out enjoying herself and Brendan was alone, sitting with a whiskey in hand and the curtains drawn shut. It was just another night to him; they tended to blur together these days.
He wondered to himself what Steven would be doing tonight. Would he be out, drinking and laughing with the rest of the village? Would he be at home, ignoring Brendan's calls some more?
He'd rang him every day since that night. He didn't know why, a compulsion perhaps. He knew Steven was safe but a part of him had wondered whether Danny had gotten to him first, before he goaded Brendan. He'd seen him since then though. He'd seen him the very next day, looking perfectly unharmed. Brendan had wanted to go to him but knew that he couldn't without giving something away. He couldn't comprehend what he'd done, what he'd done for Steven.
It terrified him. He wanted to forget it, to block it out. Foxy had made it sound so easy; clean the place down, burn your clothes. For him, that was the end of it. Brendan couldn't just forget, he couldn't just bury it like they'd buried Danny in the pond. It was incomprehensible to him. He wasn't a killer, he'd never been that, and yet now it hung around everything he did. He could barely look at Cheryl, all smiles and affection for him. He dreaded to think what he'd do if Steven looked at him like that, like he had that last time they'd been together. Brendan hadn't been able to stomach it then and he certainly couldn't now.
Brendan swallowed the rest of his whiskey, slamming the glass down onto the table. He rubbed his forehead, staring at his phone. 11.59 flickered and changed. Midnight already. Another year begun and Brendan was here, alone and afraid.
Sometimes he wondered, before he pushed the thought hastily away, what he was most afraid of. The act itself, bashing Danny's head in to rid himself of that smug, smiling face. "You know when I'm done here, I think I'll pay your little friend a visit."Or was it Steven, the idea that he'd go to such lengths to protect him and he'd never be able to tell himself why. Why? What was Steven to him? He'd made a deal a long time ago that he wouldn't let anyone in, that it was pointless, dangerous to even consider it. Now here he was, drinking alone with only his traitorous thoughts for company, wondering why Steven wouldn't answer him, what he'd say to him if he did.
Danny had gone back on his deal and hadn't that been a mistake? Brendan wondered when he'd managed to break his. Would he be able to make a new one, stay away from Steven for good? Somehow he doubted it. It wasn't over, far from it. It was only just beginning.