The First Ceremony:

"A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous."

Ingrid Bergman

The contestants followed Richard to the living room, and he gestured for them to take a seat. "All right, how about we do this in alphabetical order? Elizabeth, will you follow me please?"

As they left the room, they could hear Charlotte mutter something about Richard servicing Elizabeth.

Elizabeth followed Richard, who brought her to the room next to the one where they had overheard Darcy and Bingley's argument earlier. He opened the door and gestured for Elizabeth to sit in the chair facing the camera, her back to the french doors that lead to the balcony, which in turn wrapped around the house. She gasped when she saw the set up.

Sheer white curtains framed the doors and and an arch covered in jasmine sat over the a white chair. The chair itself had sea shells outlining the edges, and the contrast of the cerulean sea against the ivory room was beautiful.

"Wow," Elizabeth said, spinning around as she took in the room, the awe evident in her voice.

"Bingley wanted to set up the usual Moroccan theme, but Darcy protested. It didn't fit very well with the background."

Elizabeth grudgingly admitted that Darcy was right. "So," Elizabeth said, efficiently changing the subject from Darcy's brilliant decorating skills, "what exactly are we doing here?"

Richard stood behind the camera. "Basically, you can say anything in here. About Darcy, about the other contestants, about how devastatingly handsome I am. Anything. The only people who will be seeing it are Charles and Henry, the man who will be editing the footage. And me, obviously. I'm supposed to stay in here for the first session just to guide the conversation along. What did you think of the bachelor?"

Elizabeth paused, contemplating her reply. She suddenly remembered Darcy's description of her. Decent looking. He had unknowingly insulted a woman whom he had never met before. Elizabeth wasn't offended. If fact, in hindsight it was actually kind of funny. Was he so superficial that he had to judge her solely on her picture? She objectively knew she wasn't as pretty as Jane or Emma, but Darcy's attitude pissed her off nonetheless. And she wasn't afraid to let the people who watched this show know that.

"He's kind of an asshole," Elizabeth finally responded.

Richard seemed a little taken aback. "He barely spoke."

"Exactly. Here he is, surrounded by women who would literally fight for him, and it's almost as if he's indifferent. Who acts like that?"

Richard began stroking his chin with his hand, leaning back in the chair and arching his eyebrow in a teasing manner. "Do you consider yourself one of those women?"

Elizabeth didn't hesitate to reply. "Of course not. But he could at least be a little more appreciative. I took time out of my very busy schedule to be here and I had to suffer from my boss' wrath as a result. It wouldn't kill him to pretend that he was enjoying himself. Seriously, he should see a doctor about that stick up his ass."

Richard snorted and then replied in a solemn tone. "Unfortunately, stickuptheass-itis is incurable. The doctor says he may never recover." He then pretended to wipe away a lone tear. "It's tragic. Darcy only has six or seven more decades to live."

"A calamity, really."

"Anything you feel like saying about the other contestants?"

Elizabeth shrugged nonchalantly. "Not really. It was a surprise seeing Charlotte here, but I should have known better. Our mothers were the kind of parents to put us in sports just to brag. "

Richard chuckled. "How did that turn out?"

A laugh escaped Elizabeth as she recalled those days. "Not very well. When I was in basketball I accidentally shot it in the opponent's hoop. That actually gained points for the other team. And when we were in soccer, Charlotte slipped on the ball and managed to break her arm. Needless to say, our mothers had to remove us from the teams just to save face."

"Would you like to say anything else about the other contestants."

Elizabeth shrugged. "No, aside from Jane and Charlotte, I don't know anyone else well enough to form an opinion."

Richard narrowed his eyes. "Liar."

"You'll never be able to prove that." With that statement, Elizabeth left the room.

The other contestants' "confessions" can easily be summarized.

Caroline: William is only pretending to not be madly in love with me because he doesn't want to insult the other contestants. He's very considerate that way.

Louisa: Does the camera really add ten pounds?

Charlotte: Richard, stop flirting with me! I'm trying to discuss the bachelor. Shit, what was I saying?

Marianne: Did you see the way Elizabeth saved Will's life? So romantic.

Jane: Mr. Darcy seems very nice. I think we're going to have a great time on this show. I'm making so many friends already!

Emma: If Will doesn't find his future wife on this show I know the perfect woman! Harriet's a sweetheart. They would be perfect together.

Susanne: I mean, shouldn't he have given us some warning that he was asthmatic? Don't they have to wear a bracelet?

Darcy: My throat still hurts. Do I have to do this?

One by one the contestants entered and left the confessions room. Elizabeth had drifted back to the living room and sat with Charlotte, Jane and Emma. It was amazing, but the girls had already settled into cliques. Elizabeth felt as if she was in high school again, and had the overwhelming urge to check her face for acne.

Darcy was settled in a corner and Caroline, unable to take a hint, was once again sitting snuggled in his side. The other contestants had surrounded themselves around him as well.

The doorbell rang, and Bingley volunteered to answer. He disappeared for a couple of minutes, and when he entered the room again, he asked everyone for their attention. He looked disappointed.

"It seems as if someone here has not been completely honest about their relationship status. A contestant's fiance has arrived, and is very adamant about seeing his beloved."

Elizabeth leaned over and whispered to Charlotte. "Twenty bucks says that it's Louisa's. It's always the quiet ones who somehow manage to get multiple men."

"No way. I bet you it's Susanne. You ever wonder who paid for her boobs? She must have a sugar daddy. " They covertly shook hands and once again gave their attention to Bingley, who then gestured for the mystery man to step out.

Bill Collins was not a handsome man. In fact, he was boarding on plain. But it was not his looks, or his lack of a chin, that drove people off. It was his voice; that nasal sound which made children cringe and nuns have murderous thoughts.

He stepped forward, and in that horrible voice proclaimed, "Lizzie, my love, there you are. Aren't you looking positively captivating today?"

Elizabeth stood up from her seat, her shock quickly turning to anger. "Are you fucking kidding me, Collins? Are you really telling people we're engaged? Do you want me to sue you for slander?"

She continued berating him, despite his effort to answer her questions. "How did you even know I was here?"

"Well, your mother was more than forthcoming with your whereabouts."

Elizabeth scoffed, not surprised. "Of course she was. But the better question is, why the hell are you here?"

Collins puffed out his chest. "I have come to sweep you off your feet. I know you only did this," here he paused and waved his hand at the other contestants, "show to make me jealous. It wasn't necessary, my dear. I'm already smitten with you. Come, let us leave."

With this statement, he turned on his heels and exited the room, turning around when Elizabeth didn't follow him.

"Come now, darling. You're really going to have to learn how to follow directions if we're getting married."

Elizabeth stepped towards him, fully prepared to use her Krav Maga training to kick his sorry ass, but stopped when Jane placed her hand on her arm in warning. Instead, Elizabeth attempted to use her words. Being mature sucked ass.

"Collins, I don't know what I did to lead you on, but let me correct it. I, in absolutely no way, have any interest in you, romantic or otherwise. We went on one date. One. Where you talked about your boss the entire time and I had to drink copious amounts of alcohol to survive the evening."

"Elizabeth, I know you're just playing hard to get. There's really no need. I'm already yours, body and soul."

She could hear Marianne sigh in the background, and everybody turned to look at her incredulously.

"What?" she said innocently. "That was very romantic."

Elizabeth rolled her eyes and turned to face the nuisance again. "I'm not pretending, Collins."

Collins honestly seemed confused. "But I'm a great catch, Elizabeth. In fact, when you're married to me you can quit your job and raise our children. Women belong in the house." He then smiled as if he had revealed a big secret, and Elizabeth was again wondering how people could impress and annoy her at the same time. She was impressed that anybody could be that delusional, and annoyed because... well, isn't it obvious?

Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Charlotte's mouth drop open, and an idea formed in her head. Nothing was getting through to Collins. And Elizabeth was tired. Tired of the constant voicemails, the insistent emails, the random visits to her apartment. He was harmless, but very persistent. Like a gnat. In fact, his voice was very fitting for a human-gnat hybrid.

Elizabeth sighed and looked down as if she was ashamed. "I can't be with you, Collins, for reasons out of my control. You see, I'm a lesbian."

Caroline fist pumped in triumph. "I knew it!"

Collins looked at Elizabeth with suspicion. "I don't believe you."

Elizabeth turned to Charlotte, and without preamble, planted her lips on her completely platonic friend's mouth. Charlotte's eyes opened in shock, before she understood what Lizzie was trying to do. Seeing Richard's mouth drop out of the corner of her eye, Charlotte decided to put on a show. She tenderly grabbed Lizzie's neck and applied more pressure.

Poor Richard dropped his camera again, running out of the room and muttering something about alone time. But nobody paid very much attention to him.

The contestants surrounding Darcy were secretly rejoicing about eliminating competition.

Darcy himself was conflicted between being turned on and being disappointed.

Jane and Emma held each other as silent laughter racked their bodies.

And Collins, poor Mr. Collins yelled, "I will pray for your soul, Elizabeth Bennet!" before storming out of the house.

As soon as they heard the door slam shut, Elizabeth and Charlotte separated. After they were done giggling at Collins' expression, Elizabeth turned to Charlotte and thanked her for her cooperation.

"No problem, Lizzie. Your kissing skills have improved. "

"Ha!" Caroline sneered at them from across the room. "You two will be leaving the show then."

Elizabeth rolled her eyes before replying. "We're not lesbians, Caroline. I just did that so Collins would finally leave me alone."

"Caroline," Bingley said, interrupting her response. "It's time for the rose ceremony. Then we'll really know who's leaving us today."

Elizabeth could almost hear the "dun dun duhhhhh" sound in the background.

The living room was filled with candles and flowers. The soft light and pleasant smell would have been calming if not for the cameras aimed at them. Bingley cleared his throat before stepping forward. Both him and Darcy had changed into suits while the women changed into cocktail attire. Even though Elizabeth disliked the man, she had a difficult time not panting over the very pleasant sight that was William Darcy.

"Will, are you ready to choose who's staying tonight?"

Darcy nodded. "I am."

Bingley turned towards the women again. "Before we begin, I would just like to say that you all are very lovely ladies. However, not all of you can win the bachelor's heart. Mostly because that's polygamy."

Bingley slapped his forehead. "Okay, we're cutting that out later. William, you may beg-"

"Elizabeth."

When Elizabeth had told her mother she was familiar with the show, she wasn't lying. However she had neglected to mention she had never actually watched it. Therefore, when Darcy called her name she had assumed that he was eliminating her. She let out a puff of air, a little mad that he had seemed so eager to kick her out, but pleased with her progress nonetheless.

Lizzie walked up to the front of the room where he was standing, holding out her hand and genuinely smiling. Time to go back home. I guess I'm too much crazy for a man like William Darcy to handle.

After shaking a very confused Darcy's hand, Elizabeth turned to ask Bingley what happens afterwards. "Do I go home tonight or tomorrow? Should I be buying my own ticket?"

Bingley stood there gaping at her, and Elizabeth turned around to see if he was staring at somebody behind her when she felt a firm hand grip her wrist and hot breath on her neck.

"Where do you think you're going?"

His voice sent shivers down her spine and Elizabeth was too shocked at the feeling to reply. Darcy tried to ask the question calmly, but could tell he accidentally conveyed some of the anger that was radiating through him in his tone. He wasn't in love with her or anything, but he was definitely interested. And he had made a fool out of himself by eagerly calling her first and she was leaving? Fuck no.

"I thought you were kicking me out?" The statement sounded like a question and Darcy realized the mistake.

He shook his head and held out the rose. "No. No, I wasn't. Will you accept my rose?"

Elizabeth quietly accepted it and walked back to stand between Jane and Charlotte. Darcy continued to call out women's name and each one took the rose after thanking him.

"Caroline."

"Emma."

"Jane."

"Charlotte."

"Marianne."

"Louisa."

After Louisa's name was called, Bingley looked deliberately at Susanne. "I'm very sorry, Susanne, but you have been eliminated from Burning Love."

Susanne's facial expression could scare Medusa. "May I ask why?"

Darcy looked at Susanne like she was daft. "You literally almost killed me."

"Well, I could get a man half your age!" Susanne's declaration didn't have quite the effect she meant it to, judging from the look of disgust on the faces around her.

"You know what I mean!" With that, Susanne stomped out of the house.

"Bye, smokey!" Charlotte yelled at her back. "Watch out for that bear! He's really serious about those fires."

"Congratulations!" Bingley exclaimed after a moment, trying to break the tension. "You ladies have survived the first rose ceremony."