A/N:

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Thank you as always to my wonderful Beta, beans827, who makes my story look much better after she has checked it out and also for her avatar which gave me the inspiration for Angst-Boy!!!

Beans has also started a thread for this story over on the Alternate Universe Forum, come and chat:

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Chapter 4 – Request

Hope shines – as in a stable full of straw.

Fear not the wasp drunk with his crazy flight!

Through some chink always, see, the moted light!

Propped on your hand, you dozed – But let me draw.

Cool water from the well for you, at least,

Poor soul! There drink! Then sleep. See, I remain,

And I will sing a slumberous refrain,

And you shall murmur like a child appeased.

Noon strikes. Approach not, Madam, pray or call…

He sleeps, Strange how a woman's light footfall

Re-echoes through the brains of grief-worn men!

Noon strikes. I bade them sprinkle in the room.

Sleep on! Hope shines – a pebble in the gloom.

- When shall the Autumn Rose re-blossom – when?

(Paul Verlaine, "Hope Shines", translation of L'espoir luit comme un brin de paille dans L'etable)

From Chapter 3 -

I stood up then and started running back to Forks, back to the house. My steps determined. I could not speak; I could not open my mouth and say the words. I knew that if I did, screaming would issue forth and I didn't think I would ever be able to stop. Emmett followed and it was an hour later when I reached the front of the house. The rest of the family had gathered there, warned by Alice of my decision to return. They were waiting for me and by the looks on their faces it was as if someone had died. I think it was me.

Forks Washington, January 2005

EPOV

I thought for sure that I would be inundated with voices wanting to know what had happened, complaints of my irresponsibility, hurt for my absence. Instead, the family watched me warily, their thoughts expressing concern for me. I could see my face reflected in all of their thoughts and even I was staggered by what I could see. My face was drawn, even paler than normal and reflected such anguish and pain. I stood still and stared at them. I did not know what to say to them.

What should I tell them? I had kept so much of my life from them all. I had not wanted to share the painful realities of my existence. It was in my nature to wallow in misery on the inside.

When I had returned to Carlisle and Esme in 1931, I had thought I had lost Elizabeth forever and it was too painful to talk about with anyone. As the years passed, I found it harder to bring up and ended up saying nothing.

I had almost told Carlisle about Elizabeth when I found out why he had turned Rosalie two years after my return to the fold. He knew that I was lonely and sad and had thought that she could possibly be my mate when he had found her near death. I had been angry with him for even thinking that Rosalie Hale could replace Liz in my heart.

When I realized his motives, I had almost blurted out then that Rosalie could never be my mate, as I had already found her and had lost her. But to what avail? Rosalie had already been turned and we all had to live with the consequences. No need to make Carlisle feel any worse than he already did. Thankfully, Rosalie had as little interest in being my mate as I did in her and soon after she found Emmett.

Should I blurt out now that I had kept something so earth-shattering, so fundamental to the person that I was, from them for over 70 years? That the reason I wanted nothing to do with Tanya or with anyone else for all these years was that I had found my soul mate a long time ago and that no one else would do? Should I confess that she was the real reason for all of the good deeds I had done, hoping to atone and earn the right to be with her once more? Should I tell them that this time she had been absent from my life for so long that I had almost stopped believing in her?

However, maybe even more important than all of that combined, should I now tell them that I wanted to kill the one person who meant everything to me? That I was leaving Forks for good? Now!

I felt a deep, all-encompassing pain reverberate around my chest at the thought of leaving, leaving Bella. My heart screamed no! Bella is everything! She is my reason for living, the reason for my continued existence. Was leaving, even to protect her, taking the easy way out? Was this a test? She had never given up on me. My soul mate had beaten death to be with me again. Would I fail her this time by leaving, ignoring all that we have meant to each other?

My brain reminded me: 4 days ago you almost ended her life! Me! Not a murderer, not a war, not a senseless accident. Me!

I don't think I am strong enough to lose her again. But yet, I don't think I am strong enough to protect her. I haven't been able to protect her before. She always dies.

I am not thinking clearly. It is no longer just me. Always before, I had been on my own when our souls were reunited, far away from my family. I had struggled through her senseless deaths on my own and then locked the pain and hurt so deep that I could not bear to share my pain with anyone. I was still not ready to share that pain with anybody.

No! I couldn't tell them. Esme, Carlisle and Alice would be hurt that I had kept so much of who I was a secret from them. Emmett and Rosalie probably wouldn't care that I had a secret life and Jasper would only be disappointed in me for hurting Alice.

Jasper had picked up on my feelings of uncertainty and guilt and was sending me waves of calm and serenity. I felt my shoulders relax slowly and gave him the merest smile in appreciation.

I looked over at them then, my family, and I knew that I didn't want to leave for any length of time again. They meant too much for me to leave them. Bella meant too much for me to leave her. I made the decision then.

She was my soul mate and I had to find a way to be with her. There was no other choice as I knew that this might be my last chance with her. I couldn't leave Bella. I couldn't leave my family. I needed them, as once I needed Carlisle, to help me find my way. My family would help me find a way to control the burning thirst for her blood, and they would help me to protect Bella.

I wasn't alone. I wasn't leaving Forks.

As soon as my decision to stay was made, Alice squealed with happiness and called out to me, "Edward, thank God, you're staying."

She launched herself off the steps and jumped straight into my arms, hugging me tightly.

She whispered into my ear so softly that even I could barely hear her, "You will be telling me later about the vision I just had of Bella Swan in your arms, and it didn't look like you were thinking of drinking her blood!"

My eyes darted to her knowing ones and I looked away completely embarrassed. Damn Alice and her visions! I put her down from me quickly and walked up to Carlisle.

"Carlisle, I need your help."

"Of course, Edward. Come into the house and we can discuss what has happened. Please let me know what I can do to help you."

Esme hugged me as I walked up to her with a sheepish look on my face and smoothed my hair back. I felt terribly guilty then for what I had put her through the last five days not knowing where I was. Since I had come back to her in 1931, she had been like a mother to me in every way and constantly worried about me.

"Forgive me, Esme, I broke my promise to you again and for that I am truly sorry."

"Sshh, Edward. You are here now and that it is all that matters."

Carlisle placed his hand on my shoulder and murmured, "I'm proud of you, son, no matter what has happened. The Swan girl is still alive. That is all you need be worried about."

I grimaced and felt remorse come over me, "I don't think you will be so proud after you hear what I have to say."

"Edward, I will always be proud of you and I will never feel differently about you, no matter what you tell us today."

I sincerely hoped so, as Carlisle's opinion mattered to me a great deal.

The family moved inside the house and like all family meetings, we congregated around the big table in the dining room. Everyone was waiting to hear what I had to say.

From their thoughts, I could tell that Alice had told them about her vision, of seeing Bella dead in the classroom – she must have got that vision when I was thinking about what I would do if I touched her walking out of the room. I didn't realize until then, how close I had come to acting on those thoughts; otherwise Alice would not have been able to foresee it. I looked around the table at each of their faces and listened to their thoughts before I started.

Emmett was impatient for me to start as he had just picked up a new Playstation game and was looking forward to playing it with Jasper and kicking his ass. He wasn't sure why I was being my usual angsty asshole self about my almost lapse, as he had fallen prey to human blood more than once himself. We had had to move before we were ready several times because of his loss of control.

Rosalie was also wondering what all the fuss was about over this stupid human girl. As far as she was concerned, I didn't kill her, so what was all the angst for? Typical Edward, she was thinking, trust him to make a mountain out of a molehill.

Esme and Carlisle sat side by side holding hands. They were worried about what the effects of what had almost happened would be for me. Both thought back to the times when I had taken off on my own without barely a word and fervently hoped that it was not about to happen again. Carlisle was encouraging me to open up as he felt that I would benefit from talking about the issues I had instead of disappearing. I felt guilty again realizing that I rarely opened up to anyone and was barely starting to now.

All that Alice could think about was her vision of Bella in my arms. I could see my face in her vision and I was looking intently down at Bella in my arms as she was staring back up at me. It wasn't the action so much that spoke of intimacy between us, but the look in our eyes. There was so much love and desire pooled in my eyes while looking at Bella that I gasped softly and my eyes flew to Alice's, pleading to keep that to herself. Alice nodded her head minutely and I breathed in a sigh of relief.

A stray thought crossed Jasper's mind then, which had him turning ruefully towards me. "Sorry," he added mentally sincethe thought I picked up was a thread of vindication that he was not the only one who had thoughts of killing students at school. I smiled crookedly at him letting him know that I had no hard feelings. It was true after all.

"Well, obviously Alice has told you about me almost killing Bella Swan in class on Monday?"

They all nodded and I took a deep breath, "I can't describe the feeling I had when she came into the room and stepped closer to me. The scent of her blood was so strong that I almost had no control over my actions. I was a split second away from killing her then and for the next hour while she sat next to me. I don't know how I was able to stop myself; my throat was burning like never before. I have never had this reaction to someone's blood before."

Alice sighed, "I am so glad you didn't kill her, Edward. She seems very nice and I have the feeling we are going to be friends."

I glared warningly at Alice and she grinned back at me.

"I wish it had been Lauren Mallory, and that you had not resisted the urge to kill her. That girl annoys me; she is a real piece of work. Nastiest girl on the planet, some of the things she says about us. It just might be worth having to move again if one of us lost control around her."

Emmett burst out laughing and the tension in the room dissipated slightly. "Good one Alice, if we all get a choice, can I choose Jessica Stanley? She has been driving me crazy ever since she got over her crush on Edward late last year. She is always checking out my butt and whispering to her friends that she'd like to hit that. Ugh."

Rosalie leaned over and whispered to Emmett, "I'll do it for you baby. No one looks at my monkey-man's butt, but me." Soon Rosalie and Emmett were nuzzling at the table, again.

I cleared my throat, anxious now to get this over and done with.

I continued, "I was ready to leave Forks because of the strength of these feelings. I don't know, even now, if I will be able to control myself around her. I don't want to kill her but the scent of her blood is like a drug to me."

Emmett piped up loudly then, "I know what you mean, Eddie."

I rolled my eyes at him, "For the last time Emmett, my name is Edward, not Eddie!"

"Whatever, Eddie. The Swan girl is your singer. Remember that woman, years ago, with the freshly washed sheets? One whiff of her blood and I was on her in a second and drained her dry before the sheet she was pegging up had fallen to the ground. Man, I had no control whatsoever."

Alice snorted and said, "Emmett, you have so little control over anything. One look from Rose and you are like putty in her hands."

Rose nodded smugly.

Emmet agreed ruefully and smirked, "Too true, Alice. I am a man of many passions. "

Emmet then leaned over to Rosalie and whispered in her ear. She actually blushed and unfortunately, I could see from his thoughts why. I shook my head to clear those thoughts from my brain.

Carlisle weighed in to the conversation then, "Edward, the control you showed in the classroom under those circumstances was extraordinary. You should not be ashamed of yourself. You were so very strong to resist your natural instincts."

"True, I did resist that time, but how can I continue over a sustained period of time? How will I continue to resist her blood, especially if she takes me by surprise coming around a corner in the hallway and accidently touches me?"

The consequences of my decision to stay weighed heavily on me. I hoped for Bella's sake that this was not a mistake. I hoped that I had not made the wrong decision by staying.

"Edward, that shouldn't happen. You can just be vigilant about listening to her thoughts and she shouldn't catch you by surprise. You should be able to avoid any close contact with her. You might have to transfer out of Biology though, because sitting next to her in such close proximity would be a disaster."

I ducked my head momentarily after hearing Jasper's plan for listening to Bella's thoughts to keep her safe. Oh shit! I hadn't told them that I couldn't hear a damn thing going on in her head.

"Ah, reading her mind would probably work in keeping the element of surprise to a minimum, except…" I paused and took deep breath, "…I can't."

"Can't what, Edward?" murmured Esme, looking confused.

I slowly looked around the room at each of them, wondering what the effects that this next bombshell would have on them.

"I can't read her mind at all. Not even a glimmer of her thoughts gets through to me. She is like a closed book, and I have no idea at all what's going on inside her head."

The family looked shocked, as well they should. There had never been anyone whose mind I could not read. Not in all the years since I had become a vampire.

Carlisle looked thoughtful at my words, "Interesting, first the blood that you can't resist and now she is the only person ever that you have not been able to see into their mind….." His voice trailed off, but his thoughts were anything but silent. He was intrigued in a medical sense that this girl could be so different from everyone else and have such a profound effect on me.

He continued thinking through all the options until he came to some decisions as to ways for me to get through this and not kill Bella. For each alternative, Alice would search the future to see what effect each idea would have on the situation. Time after time, she shook her head, looking at me so sadly, as each vision ended in Bella's bloody death at my hands.

Each time, I saw Bella's pale face devoid of blood staring up at me in death. I shuddered, reminded again of our past together. She couldn't die on me again. I couldn't stand it. I had just made the decision that I would have to leave her after all, when a new vision popped into Alice's mind. The vision was glorious, and it was of Bella looking up at me from within my arms and with such a look of love and devotion that I caught my breath at the sudden surge of complete and utter happiness that poured into me.

I had been distracted with Alice's visions and not paying attention to Carlisle's thought processes. What had been his idea that had brought on that vision?

"Carlisle, wait! What were your thoughts just a moment ago? Alice had a vision and it worked," I called out. The tone in my voice had the family looking up at me as if they had never seen me before. I looked closer into their minds and I realised why. My face was a picture of such joy that even I was shocked. This expression had not made an appearance on my face for many years. In fact, I wondered if they had ever seen it.

Jasper looked at me speculatively as he felt my emotions swing from despair to complete and utter joy in a split second. He was used to feeling despair and guilt from me but joy was a novelty and he was completely intrigued. He was going to have a little chat with Alice when they were alone. Mental note to self, talk to Alice alone very soon and get her to promise to keep quiet about her visions.

Carlisle sorted through his ideas in his mind again and suddenly the outcome I desperately wanted reappeared in Alice's mind.

"Stop, that's it!" I yelled out, excitedly.

Everyone swung their heads to gape at me in complete surprise. I could hear them mentally running through all they had seen in the last hour: Edward looking like someone he knew had died, Edward looking completely joyful, Edward yelling in excitement. Alice added an extra emotion that no-one else had seen: Edward in love!

Emmett summed up their thoughts at that moment as no one else could. "Who are you and what have you done with our brother, Edward, aka Angst-Boy?"

His comment caused everyone to laugh and I raised one eyebrow at the thought he just sent me. It was of me in a Superman costume with a picture of a sad smiley face on the chest instead of the well-known S. He proceeded to tell everyone what he had done and Jasper clapped him on the back and chuckled.

My face started to turn thunderous as the amusement at my expense kept the family occupied for a few more minutes. Emmett kept chanting in his head about me having a crush on a human girl over and over.

Carlisle looked at me then, and taking pity on me, announced, "Well, Edward, I think it just might work."

I nodded, a little kernel of hope making its way back into my soul.

Carlisle filled the rest of the family in on his plan.

First, he was going to visit Bella's home and collect some items of clothing she had recently worn which would contain concentrated doses of her scent and if, at all possible, he would collect some of her blood. He would just need to scratch her arm slightly with his fingernail. He was certain that he would only need a few drops.

The plan was for me to become more used to her scent, to basically saturate myself with her essence. Carlisle's idea was to increase my tolerance level to her blood before I came into contact with her again.

The second part of the plan was for me to hunt every day to the point of gluttony to dull my hunger for blood. He had pointed out to me, that on the day that I had met her, even though my first instinct when smelling her blood had been to attack her instantly, I had been able to sit next to her for an hour without losing control. Also, he reminded me that I had not been hunting for a few weeks at that time so my hunger for blood was at an all time high.

The final step before seeing Bella in class was to test Carlisle's theory before I went back to school. Emmett and Jasper would accompany me to her home and I would test my control by being across the room while she slept. Emmett and Jasper would be right behind me ready to grab me if I lost control. This way, if anything went wrong and my brothers had to restrain me, there would be no witnesses.

It was a good plan, I only hoped to God, it worked. I was determined that this time my soul mate and I would live a long and happy life together, forever. I just had to find a way to get close to her without killing her.

Carlisle stood up from table then and said, "Well, no time like the present. It's past midnight now so the sooner I collect these things from the Swan's house, the sooner we can get started."

He vanished up the stairs to his office and returned a few moments later with a collection of items in his hands. A clear plastic bag, a diabetes clicker and a tiny glass vial with a silver screw top lid. I nodded at him. The diabetes clicker will be a painless and easy way to collect her blood. I tried not to lick my lips at the thought of her blood pooling on the tip of her finger. I failed and my face fell. Carlisle saw my expression and patted my arm as he walked past.

"It will all work out, Edward. While I'm gone, I think you should go with Emmett and Jasper to hunt. It looks like it's been awhile."

The four of us exited the house through the front door, Carlisle moved quickly towards town while we three disappeared, swiftly and silently, deeper into the woods behind the house. Carlisle was right, I had not hunted for weeks and I was ravenous by the time I caught a whiff of deer nearby. I quenched my thirst a little there and then we continued further north where we each managed to find a grizzly bear. I was feeling slightly sloshy with the amount of blood I had consumed when we finally made it back home a few hours later.

I was no sooner in the door than I could smell her delicious scent of freesias and strawberries. If I hadn't known any better I would think she had been here, in this house.