Three months later Kisa was staring over at Kate from the couch in Kates's living area with her arm slung around little Seth as Kate fidgeted with her newly bought dress. Tonight, Kate had a date. His name was Jeff; a regular at the diner, and he had been asking her out for almost a year now. In truth, a date had been the last thing on Kate's mind, but between her colleagues near constant cajouling and his good natured persistence she had finally caved and said yes. Her lack of interest had nothing to do with Jeff per se, he was a really sweet guy but she just wasn't interested in dating anyone right now, except Seth her mind reminded her unhelpfully, but she shoved that thought right back down where it belonged. She didn't feel the girlish excitement she knew she should have been feeling waiting for her date to show, all she felt was a gnawing guilt in the pit of her stomach. She had tried telling herself that her reluctance was really just fear, I mean she had never been on a real adult date before and of course there was little Seth to consider, but she knew that while both of those things were true that wasn't what was making her stomach churn. That honour went to Seth Gecko, the man who had laid claim to a large part of her heart many years ago now and had never let it go. She had tried to deny it to herself, tried to avoid thinking about it, about him, but it didn't matter, he popped into her mind near constantly these days. Especially now that her boy looked so much like him and had that wicked smile of his. Every time she saw it, it made her lips stretch into a smile and her heart ache for the man who had been her anchor for those few months after the Twister.
Kate's eyes met Kisa's from across the room and she smiled, Kisa who saw right through her faux enthusiasm. Her sceptical eyes having barely left Kate since she had came over to babysit over an hour ago. Kate had already learned that there was no hiding things like this from Kisa, she was just too shrewd. Kisa had already seen right through all her denials about Seth, a fact which Kate just ignored now and no longer debated with her fierce friend. Kate's smile turned brittle as the knock came to the door. She called out "Be right there" as she walked over to her boy giving him a kiss on the forehead and reminded Kisa where everything was. Kate took a breath and opened the door smiling the warmest smile she could manage for Jeff.
Less than thirty minutes later, Kate sat across from Jeff in a lovely restaurant still smiling her warm but achingly stiff smile. Her fingers twisted around each other under the table as they waited for their food and she felt nothing but guilt as she sat across from this really sweet man who seemed to really like her. She could tell that he was making such a big effort too and she really wanted to feel something for this good man sitting on front of her but she just didn't. She hated herself for all of this, this was so unfair to both of them and she hated that she had allowed herself to be talked into this date, this farce. The kindest thing she could have done was tell him to move on to someone who could feel those things right back for him. He deserved that much, he really was a good guy. Instead, she just sat there trying her best to feel any kind of romantic interest in Jeff but she soon realized the only word she really had for him was sweet. Every single time she reached for more adjectives to describe Jeff all that came to mind was that he was sweet, good too, kind, sure but mostly, sweet. Seth had never been sweet, he had been rough around the edges and broken but he had also been strong, caring, sexy, dangerous and being around him had felt exciting and comforting all at once. Even when she had hated him and she had at times, she had still loved him. Jeff was not just not that guy and he never would be, but yeah he sure was sweet. Oh god this felt awful and her stomach churned as she did her best to eat her meal placed on front of her and smile back at him but she felt like she was betraying so many people all at once just by being here with him, most of all herself and her boy.
Kate felt relief finally creep in and her chest begin to loosen as their food and awkward conversation drew to a close, it would soon be over. She smiled up at the server as they collected their plates discretely and left. Her attention landed back on Jeff, who smiled and took a breath "Kate, I don't want to mess you around because you're a single mother. You have responsibilities, so I want to be upfront with you".
The relief she had been feeling evaporated and anxiety crashed over her once more and Kate swallowed roughly and just sat there mute as every alarm in her body went off and her mind started chanting no, no, no.
Jeff continued "We know each other pretty well and I know your boy too. So you know I like you, have for a long while and your boy is such a sweet kid. So in the spirit of being upfront and letting my intentions be known and this doesn't have to be straight away Kate, I know that, but I'd like to marry you" he said with nothing but a vulnerable sincerity in his eyes.
Well there it was, thought Kate, somehow this night had gotten even worse. What on earth was he thinking? This was their first date. It was a sweet offer, there was that word again she thought, maybe even an offer most single mothers would have jumped at. After all, he was a good man with a good job and marrying a man like him would certainly mean safety, security, and a clear future for her and her son but the thought of it churned her stomach, this was their first date. It was sweet, kind of, but oh god it just felt all so wrong. She genuinely had no idea how to react and she was sure she had just been sitting there for an uncomfortably long time but her mouth just wouldn't work until finally she managed to swallow and took a shaky breath.
"Wow... I mean thats a really sweet offer Jeff, I mean, really it is, but I just can't accept. It just wouldn't be fair to either of us" she said with a sad smile and a sick stomach.
"Maybe you should take some time to think about it first, I mean we don't have to get engaged straight away thats not what I'm saying. Cause I know this is sudden" He asked a flicker of hope still in his eyes and fuck she really didn't want to be the one to have to kill it but she knew she had too. She shouldn't have even let it get this far.
"This is a first date Jeff, its a lot, I mean I get that we know each other pretty well but its still too much. It is sweet and I appreciate you being upfront with me I really do, but I can't marry you. I'm so sorry" she said looking down at her hands, glad that at least there had been no ring sitting on the table and that they had finished dinner first so that this awkwardness would be over soon. Oh god please let this be over soon.
He nodded to her solemnly pain contorting his face and she hated herself for it. He paid for their dinner despite her pleading request to at the very least split the bill and he walked her back to his car and drove her back to her place in a painful imposing silence.
"Goodnight" she said as she stepped out of the car and he just nodded to her once more before leaving. She stood on front of her home a solid minute before she composed herself enough to walk inside. At least her boy should be in bed.
Kisa opened the door and Kate watched her face fall as she saw her dreary expression.
"Is the little man in bed?" Kate asked to break the uncomfortable beat of silence.
"Yeah. It didn't go well I take it" Kisa replied concerned.
"It was fine and then it wasn't. Would you mind holding on for a couple hours, there is something I should really go and do" Kate said almost resigned.
Kisa smiled "Its about time. Go". Kate nodded a ghost of a smile on her lips, she wasn't wrong. Kate walked over to her cabinet and took out one of her many photo albums and slipped out a small picture of little Seth. She grimaced over at Kisa and headed for the door and out to her car. Thirty minutes later she pulled up in front of a truck stop bar and restaurant called Jed's. Kate had put off doing this for three months because she was afraid but tonight's date had sealed this fate, had made her realize some things, mostly that Seth at the very least deserved to know the truth.