AN: This is, by far, the most depressing thing I have ever written.
This was one of the very first ideas I had for this challenge, but the first time I wrote it, it was absolute crap. I set it aside and then got so busy, I couldn't really work on it. But thanks to Kila I've found new inspiration and I've been able to go back and revamp some of my less-than-satisfactory oneshots. Finally I got it to a point where I can at least be somewhat happy about it.
This was actually originally for "Lost," but the word "Gone" kept popping up as I was writing it, and it seemed more appropriate anyway.
Cookie points if you can spot the nod to Gail Carson Levine.
Enjoy.
78. Gone
She told everyone she wanted to be alone. She'd be fine, she said, she just needed some time to herself, after… what happened…
It shouldn't have been a big deal. It really shouldn't have. It had happened before, dozens of times. And they'd always managed to put him back together. It had happened before, dozens of times… And they'd always, always…
No. No, this time had been different. Even then, she'd known it. The explosion had ripped him to pieces. Reduced him to absolute scrap. No, it shouldn't have been a problem, it really shouldn't have, it had happened before, plenty of times… But this time… Even then, something hadn't felt right. Usually they could find a limb, if not his whole body, then at least his head, or something… But no. Not this time. This time, all they could find were parts, scattered everywhere. It shocked her how far away they got from the site of the explosion and were still finding pieces. They searched for hours, until it became hard to tell what was XR and what was just rubbish. They regrouped and pooled all the parts they'd found – even then, she knew something was wrong, there had to be more to him than that – and, still holding onto a vague hope that everything would turn out okay, they'd headed back to Star Command.
Where the LGMs made that condemning announcement.
There was no chance of restoring him. None at all. Even if they built him a new body… his brain chip had been destroyed. Smashed to dust. Sure, they could always build a new body, and they could always program a new chip… but the fact remained that it would never be him.
He was gone.
They'd lost him.
She sat on the edge of her bed, staring blankly into the floor. Fragments of the LGMs' report kept playing in her head, over and over…
Damage too extensive… no chance of repair… all data lost…
No. No, that couldn't be right… That was wrong, it had to be wrong, they could always, always fix him, they'd always been able to before… What was stopping them now?
Damage too extensive…
Too extensive… In the end, it'd just been too much. She moaned and covered her eyes. What had made them think it could go on forever like that? What had made them think he was somehow invulnerable to stress, that he had a limitless number of accidents in him, that it didn't matter how many times he was literally ripped apart, he'd just never wear down? What made her think he'd never… that there was no chance he'd ever…
No chance…
He was the only one for the job, they'd said. The only one who could diffuse that bomb, the only one who even stood a chance of making it out alive. She gave a hollow laugh at the irony of it all. It sounded strange and out-of-place. Why hadn't anyone stopped to think that maybe this mission was too dangerous for anyone? Why had she… why had they been just fine evacuating the area and leaving him to deal with it? That was pretty harsh – she'd been pretty harsh, when she thought about it… She didn't want to think about it, but she couldn't help imagining what it had been like for him, in those last few moments, trapped with no one around, just a giant explosive device… Had he tried to escape? Had he tried to call for them? Or had he been calm? Did he think he'd be okay, just like he'd always been? Was he, like everyone else, assured he'd make it out alive? Or… did the thought actually cross his mind that this could be the end? Did he fear death? Did he ever… think about things like that? Why didn't she know these things, why had she never asked him about it? Did he wonder why no one was coming for him? She could have come for him, she thought with a guilty stab. With another agonized moan she slumped over, burying her face in her hands. She could have prevented it… She could have helped him, she could have ghosted him out of there, if only she'd been paying attention, if only she'd stopped to think…
But no. She'd never thought… never even considered the possibility…
All data lost…
…that they could lose him… But they had lost him, hadn't they? Lost him for ever… He was gone, gone for good, and he was never, never coming back… A cold, empty feeling bloomed in the pit of her stomach and grew as she realized… she'd never see him again, she'd never talk to him again, she'd never…
No chance…
She'd never told him how much he meant to her. She'd never bothered, thought there'd always be time… Because there was always a chance, because by tomorrow, today's petty arguments wouldn't mean anything, any spiteful words would be forgotten… And yeah, okay they did have a tendency to bicker a lot. Yeah, okay, he could be annoying and infuriating and sexist. Sure, he got on her nerves sometimes. But he was one of her best friends. He made her laugh. He got her through Buzz's boring lectures. He could ease the dullness of even the most routine missions just through his dry commentary. And, in all candor, he was just fun to have around. Okay, yes, he made a point of flirting with everyone woman he saw, and sure, she'd always found it kind of shallow and annoying, but… But did she really have to yell at him for it? He wasn't hurting anybody, he was just trying to get attention… And now she'd never get a chance to apologize. She wasn't mad at him, she really didn't hate him… She didn't mean those things, she'd never meant them, why did she say them, he didn't deserve to hear that, he didn't, he… he didn't do anything wrong, why did she yell at him… why, WHY had she yelled at him, he hadn't even DONE anything, she'd just snapped at him, for no reason, and now he was gone and the last thing she'd ever said to him had been so mean…
A heavy sob escaped her. She didn't hate him, she didn't hate him, why had she said that, why… So what if he'd wanted to flirt with her, it was harmless, he was just trying to get her attention, she didn't hate him for it, she didn't hate him, she didn't hate him…
She didn't… she didn't hate him, she didn't… she'd never…
She'd never get a chance to tell him… never… never see him again, never hear his voice, never hold his hand when he needed someone… when he'd needed her, and she hadn't… but it hadn't been because she wanted him gone, it hadn't been because she… she didn't… she needed to tell him, tell him the truth, he needed to know…
She felt cold all over now, and that emptiness was overwhelming… Bitter tears slid down her face and dropped into her lap, and she just sat there crying, because for once she didn't know what to do, because she'd never known it was possible to feel so empty, to feel so strongly that something was missing, that something was… gone…
She let out a heavy sigh; if there was just a chance of finding him, she'd search the galaxy if she could, just to have him back, she'd give anything to have him back, to see him again, to hear him, hold him, talk to him… but no matter where she'd look, she'd never find him… never…
He was gone.
Yeah, I upped the rating, just because... charcter death just doesn't strike me as "all ages" material. /
Reviews and critiques welcome.
((I tried for a bit of dramatic/shock effect in the middle, I'd love to know if it was effective :3))