Chapter four: Life's changes

Five moons after Camlann…

The morning began unlike any other, until Merlin stepped down the steps from his bedroom and into the chambers he used to share with Gaius. Silence and the lack of the smells of potions already brewing reminded him that he lived alone now. There was no Gaius to greet him, no bowl of barely edible porridge on the table and no chatter about what they each planned to do today. From here on forth Merlin would have to fare by himself without the guidance of the man who had become like a father to him.

Gaius though did not want him to dwell; had said so even before his last breath about a moon ago. Because of his advice Merlin tried his best to ignore the loneliness of the empty chambers around him, but even as he tied his neckerchief around his neck he faltered. "One day at the time", he reminded himself of his mother's advice while he grabbed the last piece of bread to make it his breakfast. Eating too fast, like usual, he knew it was time to focus on what he had rather than on what he'd lost. But where to start? Would Gwen need him today? Or should he take over the position of physician from Gaius?

For once he had no clue where to start. No one had yelled at him to spur him into action. There was no King around who would wake up to Merlin's bright greetings of the day with a complaint either. Not a soul would give him a list of chores longer than his arm that he would moan about, even when he'd always been glad to take it on regardless. A part of Merlin was happy about the calm silence and yet a far larger part of him already missed the distraction as well as the satisfaction of feeling useful.

He had just about washed away the dry bread when he spotted the pile of neatly folded clothes lying on the table. The fabric of each item looked rather expensive; at least next to his well-worn blue tunic and frayed red neckerchief. On top of the pile a piece of parchment was pinned to it. Merlin grabbed the note and he read the words written in the curled handwriting he recognized as Gwen's.

"Merlin, you wore these clothes during my coronation and it only feels right to me you should wear them again today. Please humour me, all will be clear soon. It will be worth your while, trust me. Gwen."

Eyes narrowed Merlin wondered what it was all about. What was set to happen today that he had no idea of and why could he not just wear the clothes he always wore? He was about to rant to Gaius when once again he realised that he was the sole occupant of the large chambers now.

Wiping away at a stray tear Merlin let his hand trail across the soft to the touch fabric. He remembered the day he had worn these clothes for a first time well. Arthur and Gwen had been so happy when they finally became King and Queen, as well as husband and wife. The image which came to his mind had Merlin smile for a moment. They'd made such a handsome couple too. But now with Arthur gone… why did Gwen want him to wear it again?

Lately the Queen had come to him for advice about magic and they had become closer friends than ever before. They had talked about the Old Religion, the druids and of how most of their kind wanted nothing more than peace. Sometimes they had laughed together. And when Merlin told her of how he secretly protected Arthur with his magic she came to understand why he had hidden himself in the way he did. At other times they had cried a little in each other's arms over the man they had lost. Merlin found he had come to cherish the moments they spent together and he knew that Gwen enjoyed them as well.

A few nights ago Gwen had looked Merlin in the eyes and she told him that she knew in her heart that Arthur would be proud of him.

"Ah, but of you more", he had shrugged, unsure about how to handle the praise.

"In a way you have always been an advisor of the court", Gwen mused with a thoughtful look on her face.

Merlin waved it away. "Only for Arthur… and you", he admitted as he avoided her inquiring stare.

Silence had returned between the two of them then, but looking back at the conversation Merlin realised that right there Gwen made up her mind about something she wanted. Was she living up to her promise to reward him for all the deeds he had done for Camelot? Was it the reason why she wanted him to wear these clothes? Merlin looked at the red coat again with a feeling of unease. He had never sought for anything other than peace and for those who were gifted with magic to be accepted; and to not to know fear like he had done.

Part of him wanted to hide where no one could find him. However the knowledge that he would disappoint Gwen had him fight this first instinct to run from the spotlight. "Trust me", she asked of him in the short note… and Merlin could not ignore the two words; not even if he wanted to.

With a roll of his eyes Merlin picked up the dark red coat. After a deep breath he unfolded it to stare at it in quiet contemplation. "It suits you", he could almost hear the words Gaius had spoken when he'd first worn it. Had his dear old mentor been right or was it more because Gaius was proud of how his ward turned into a man on that day? Merlin didn't know what moved him in the end, but whichever reason it was he decided he would wear it for both Gaius and Gwen. With his mind made up Merlin undressed and he set aside his old, well-worn clothes. Soon he was putting on the still rather new outfit.

He had just tied up the laces of the coat when someone knocked on the door. "Enter", he called out with a grin at the politeness of whoever was on the other side.

A guard came inside. For a breath he looked at Merlin as if he saw him properly for a first time. Quick to gather his thoughts he delivered his message in a matter of fact tone of voice, "Sir Leon needs you in the royal chambers. The Queen has fallen ill."

The man had not quite finished speaking when Merlin grabbed his medicine bag from the table while he hurried on his way out of the too silent chambers. Worry for his friend rose up in his heart. What was wrong with her? Going even faster he ran through the many hallways and up the stairs to get to his destination. Almost out of breath he pushed open the large wooden doors of the royal chambers to burst inside without hesitation…

Every morning since Leon had returned from Camlann he stopped by the royal chambers before he started his duty as the senior knight. There was no proper reason behind his new routine, not one he dared to admit to anyway. It was just a friend looking after the girl he grew up with and who once was a part of his household, or so he told himself at first. It made no difference to him that Gwen had grown up to become Queen. Deep down she would always remain his friend.

Leon sensed how much Gwen missed Arthur and how she struggled with his absence by her side. Grief for a fallen spouse; there was nothing which had the power to hurt a person more. To miss the one you shared your heart and dreams with was like a part of yourself had died along with them. Leon still missed his beloved wife too. Though lately, each time when he thought about her, the pain no longer cut him to pieces.

Sarah had not only been a beautiful woman, but she'd stolen his heart. They had shared two summers of happiness together until the dreaded Samhain Eve came when the evil Dorocha were unleashed from the veil between worlds. The day Leon had returned from the mission to close the tear he learned that she was among those touched by their cold. It cut him to bits still that he wasn't there to say goodbye. Her body had turned to ashes before he even knew she was gone.

Most of his grief Leon, who had always been a private person, had kept to himself, but one day when he had walked into the royal chambers he'd found Gwen staring out of the window with tears in her eyes. For a moment he had paused, but then before he could stop his instinct of friendship he offered her his shoulder to cry on. They had stood together in silence for a long time, while he waited for her to feel ready to wipe her tears away. As she did he had spoken about the loss of a spouse and of how he understood her pain. His offer of comfort had opened both their hearts for healing then. They had sat down to talk of Camlann and what happened there, and of Arthur and what they both wished for Camelot's future.

Later sometimes Merlin joined the two of them, bringing along a jug of ale or something to eat while they talked. Leon listened to his calm advice and his stories about the druids, and their beliefs. Was it possible Arthur could rise again as the Once and Future King? He did not dare to even consider it at first, but when he saw in Merlin that his friend wanted and more than likely even needed to think it possible Leon began to think such a belief wasn't too farfetched after all.

And slowly Leon began to agree with Gwen that Merlin belonged at the royal court as much as they did. Arthur would have wanted their friend to be here, of this Leon grew more and more assured too. Merlin's much earned rise in the ranks for everything which he had done in the name of duty and honour was what today was meant to be all about. But sadly, like always, fate stepped in to rock their world…

That morning on his daily visit to the royal chambers he found Gwen doubled over in her chair at the breakfast table. A whimper of pain fell from her lips. Wasting no time Leon forgot about propriety and he ran over to her side. "Gwen? What is wrong?"

Tear filled eyes looked up at him and the pain inside them increased is worries. "I can't… I am not even sure…" Her anguished voice faltered. Without hesitation Leon then called out for a guard. He ordered the man to get Merlin and bring him up as fast as he could.

Left alone with Gwen again he grabbed her hand, "Tell me what I can do." He'd barely spoken when she fainted to the floor with a soft sigh. With dread in his heart for what was wrong with her he lifted her up in his arms to carry her over to the bed. Lowering her onto the Pendragon red blankets he wiped the stray brown curls from her closed eyes. Leon looked down at her with a worried frown. What was wrong? His unanswered question lingered on his mind.

As he waited for Merlin to make his way up Leon sat down by the side of the bed. His fingers curled around the elegant darker tinted ones of Gwen. Her warm skin against his and the feel of her pulse made him feel in touch with her. Maybe he had no right, but the rules of court and royalty held no power over him in his worried state. He was here to comfort a friend… here to watch over her in name of his fallen King; a promise he had made deep down though the words were never spoken. All the same the vow was his.

Once more Merlin found himself angered by destiny. Why did Gwen have to suffer yet another loss? Why wasn't she allowed to see to life the one thing she had left of Arthur? Upset he fell down into a chair in the royal chambers. Leon followed him and sat down in one of the other chairs. They both looked back at the bed where Gwen had cried herself to sleep. "Why, Merlin?"

Merlin could only shake his head at Leon's pain filled question. There were so many things he did not know about child birth. He wasn't a midwife, or a physician quite yet. Though he had learned a lot about medicine from Gaius he did not know as much as his mentor had done. No, he would have to study and read a lot more books to gain the knowledge he needed to in order to become a physician himself.

But then, Merlin also had come to see that some things just happened for no rhyme or reason. Gaius had once explained to him how sometimes, even when she did everything right, nature did not mean for a mother to carry her child to full term. Maybe another try would bring the mother a different outcome, but for Gwen there was no second chance; not one she could share with Arthur anyway.

Once more Merlin saw how fragile the balance between life and death was. Not even his magic could change the outcome today. In truth he would have always arrived too late, because the moment Gwen felt the first twinge of pain her child had already been lost. Leaning his head in his hands Merlin felt defeated by fate.

"Merlin… Leon…" At the sound of their names the two men rushed over to Gwen's side.

"I am so sorry", Merlin apologized to her once more.

Gwen shook her head, "It's not your fault. Don't ever blame yourself, Merlin. Maybe it was just stress or maybe it was just not meant to be. None of us will ever know."

Her words made Merlin smile. It was so like Gwen to think of others first and to sound as wise as Gaius would, even in this sad moment. "You just rest for a while, Milady", he added her title to let her know that he still looked up to her. "We will take care of today's council meeting, don't you worry."

An unexpected smile graced her features. "You look handsome today, Warlock."

Merlin sat back down at her side again and he smiled wryly, not sure what to say. Leon grinned at his obvious discomfort, "Maybe we should help him out of his misery and own up to our secret."

With a nod Gwen agreed with her senior knight. "Merlin, you have done so much for us all, for Camelot." She waved away his mumbled protest. "I told you before that I want to reward you, but what I am about to ask of you is also a request for selfish reasons. I want you at my side for as long as I reign. I need an advisor on my council who I can trust to be honest with me and who can inform me about all things magic. Most of all I want no one to live in fear in this Kingdom and I want it to be known that those who live by the Old religion have a place in Camelot too. Merlin, will you accept the position of Court Sorcerer and my advisor?"

At first Merlin listened to her words with growing unease. In his entire life he had only ever done what he felt was right. He needed no reward for his work, because he'd done it all out of love. But when he realised the full extent of what Gwen offered him his heart filled with a burst of joy. Magic was slowly accepted back into Camelot and this change meant there was no turning back from it. Every child born with magic could at last grow up without fear, knowing that their gift was nothing to be afraid of. The dark days in which everyone with magic had to hide were over. With a wide smile Merlin nodded, "I would be honoured to."

"Good", Gwen said as she pulled him close for a hug. When she let go again she fell back to the bed with a tired half smile. "Go to the council chambers, Merlin. Another surprise is waiting for you there." Her eyes closed as she began drifting off. Merlin felt his smile fade for a moment, concern for his friend coming back to the surface.

A hand on his shoulder made him turn. "I will stay by her side to ensure that she gets some rest, and maybe some food too when she awakes. Go and tell the council what happened. Do tell Percival that you said 'yes' to her request. He will know what to do next. Gwen and I will join in the celebrations later."

Merlin smiled at the soft spoken promise. He had seen how Leon looked at Gwen when he thought no one watched him. There was loyalty there, but also something more. It was too early to speak of love and yet in his heart Merlin had no doubt it was there. Merlin felt unsure what to think of it, for he was not ready to see someone else then Arthur at Gwen's side, but then again he didn't want to see either of his friends unhappy and alone. If love was truly what it was then he would try to be happy for them.

With a nod to Leon he walked out of the royal chambers, closing the door behind him. His heart felt heavy still after what happened. Merlin wished he did not have to bring such sad news to Percival and the council, but it needed to be done. As he walked through the hallways he wondered about the other surprise Gwen said would be awaiting him in the council chambers. What could it be?

From the moment Merlin walked into the council chambers all eyes drew towards him. In the tension he sensed how everyone awaited him to bring news about their Queen's health. Spotting Percival among the men he shook his head in sadness at having to be the one to shatter the tight glimmer of hope. "The Queen is alright, but I am sorry to say that she lost her unborn child this morning. There was nothing anyone could do to help her. She is resting now…" Swallowing the pain of it away Merlin focussed his attention at the large knight, unable to face anyone else in the moment. "The Queen further wishes for you to know that I have accepted her offer."

The sadness in Percival's eyes made way for a smile of acceptance and a glimmer of something else. His eyes began to twinkle then, as if there was secret which amused him. Another breath of silence stretched when at last the knight nodded to Merlin. Then turning to face the others the council members in the room he announced in a clear voice, "Gentlemen… Milady, I am honoured to introduce you all to the Court Sorcerer of Camelot, Lord Merlin Emrys."

To hear his name spoken in combination with the title in this assured manner from his friend made Merlin proud and also feel slightly awed. What had he let himself in for?

Abrupt movement to his left caught a hold of his attention before anything else could. A woman dressed in a beautiful, yet modest blue dress and grey headscarf stepped out from the shadows. Sparkling eyes filled with pride fell upon his, and the instant they did he recognized her with joy. "Mother?"

In a few strides he reached her side and he wrapped his arms around her, forgetting all about propriety and where he was in the world. "You did it. I am so happy for you", Hunith whispered in his ear.

Long after the celebrations and well into the night Merlin spoke to his mother about what he'd been up to since he returned to Camelot and how he remembered the words she had spoken to him before he left. How the advice of taking it a day at the time had gotten him through the losses of his friends and Gaius too, as well as the pain of that morning.

"My boy, a full grown man now." Hunith smiled at him, "Look at you… in these clothes. They suit you well. I see so much of your father in you. Both so handsome…"

Out of habit more than anything Merlin rolled his eyes at his mother, before he quietly asked, "Do you really think so?" When she confirmed it with a nod Merlin decided to put away his old clothes and be done with it. If he wanted to be taken serious as an advisor he needed to dress the part. "Will you stay in Camelot?"

"I can stay for a few days before I go back to Ealdor. Got to make sure that you settle in to your new quarters and eat well and all that", she grinned when Merlin winced at her teasing him over his old habit to skip his meals.

"I will miss these chambers", he said wistfully. "So many memories…"

Hunith pulled her son close. "These are the changes of life, my son. Just remember that I am proud of you and I trust that Gaius would have been too. You will do well."

Merlin pulled Hunith close. "I've missed you too, mother", he whispered knowingly as he held her close. For a long time mother and son remained where they were. Tomorrow would bring about change, but it could wait until the sun rose in the sky and they were done talking.