Author's Note: In this chapter, there are spoilers for Trigun Maximum Volumes 4-8.
Disclaimer: I don't own Trigun [Maximum], or Vash, or any of the other characters in that series. They all belong to Mr. Yasuhiro Nightow.
.
.
Determination
.
Year 113 month 6 day 6
After Lumia was released from the hospital and came home, she asked me, "Mama, do you know... is it normal for Plant-kind to overhear each other's emotions?"
"I have heard of it happening," I said, "though usually only if the emotion is very strong."
"Then Papa must have been very worried about our village," she said. "I felt that, and I knew he was coming before he got here. When he first arrived, he was fooled by the puppets, and felt relieved, and then so happy that he cried. Then he was terribly shocked, as he saw what they were, and then there was such incredible pain and sadness..." There were tears forming in her eyes at the memory of her father's sorrow, when he learned he'd arrived too late to save several of the people in our village.
I came to her and hugged her. "He really cares about us, dear heart," I said. "If he knew or suspected that we were in danger, I'm sure he came as quickly as he possibly could."
"I know he did," she whispered. "I just thought it was only my imagination, at first, because I hoped so much that he might come. But then I saw him, and I saw in his face and eyes exactly what I was overhearing. Before that, I didn't know it was him."
I kissed her forehead. "Then you may always know when he's all right," I said, "and that's more than any of the rest of us can know."
"It does seem to partly depend on how far away he is," she said thoughtfully, recalling my initial response to her question. "Like the difference between hearing a voice in the same room, or in the next room if the door is partway open, or if it's echoing down the hall. The details blur at a distance, and you only notice what's loudest."
"Thank you for explaining it to me so clearly," I said to her, smiling. "So that's how you knew he cared for you, even though he never said so?"
"Yes," she said, and smiled bashfully. "I could feel it."
"Can you feel everybody's emotions that way?" I asked, curious.
"Yours, sometimes," she said. "Everybody else's are so faint that it's hard to be sure."
"Oh, that saves me some time then," I teased. "I won't have to tell you how much I love you anymore, since you can always feel it."
She giggled. "I still like to hear you say it," she said.
"Oh, all right then," I said, using an exaggerated sigh and pretending to grumble, "I suppose I can keep on saying it."
She giggled again, and I laughed with her as I hugged her again.
.
Year 113 month 6 day 7
The next day, I sought the council's advice on someone to help train Lumia in controlling her emotions. If she could sense Vash's strongest emotions, then it was highly likely that he could also sense her emotions... when they were strong enough.
For that reason, Lumia must learn to avoid experiencing any emotion too strongly, where self-control was possible. It was also important that she not react too strongly to anything Vash was feeling, to avoid the danger of possibly distracting him at a critical moment.
I was more afraid that Knives might be able to overhear her emotions, if they grew strong enough. My daughter's emotions were none of his business. At all. Ever.
When I spoke with the other council members about an appropriate tutor or counselor for Lumia's emotions, I learned other things as well.
The medical personnel had contacted the council about Vash. It seems they'd discovered records indicating that a seed sample had been extracted from Vash while he was unconscious, during an earlier visit to our village. Since the doctors were unable to find that sample, they took another (also while he was unconscious) during his most recent hospital stay.
So not only did Vash not know he had a daughter, but he also had no cause to imagine the possibility. He did not know that he had ever donated a seed sample, either previously or currently.
The new sample meant that there could be a second child by the same method as the first, if there should ever again be doubt of his survival. The other councilors did not put it that bluntly, but I caught the drift of their conversation. I told them plainly that if Vash disappeared again, I thought that it might be good for Lumia to have a full sibling. They nodded, and a few smiled. We left the matter there.
Since then, I keep catching myself half-hoping that Vash will go into hiding again, just long enough for Lumia to have a sibling. I worry that she'll be too alone without a biological brother or sister, after I'm gone.
.
Year 113 month 7 day 5
About a month later, Lumia informed me that Vash was terribly thirsty. That worried me, until almost a week after that when she said, "Papa is very worried about something."
"Is he still thirsty?" I asked.
"No," Lumia said, "just very worried. It almost feels like he did when he was coming here, except that he's not coming closer this time."
The outsider females, Milly and Meryl, had left the village not too long after Vash and Wolfwood. They talked as if the four of them had been traveling companions. I wondered if something had befallen one of them, or Wolfwood.
"Let's pray for him," I suggested, "and for whatever is worrying him."
Lumia came and hugged me, and we did as I'd suggested until we both felt better.
.
Year 113 month 7 day 6
The next day she told me that Vash was very angry. So we prayed for him again, before she went to visit her tutor. I made an appointment with the council, for them to hear what she had to say that evening.
That evening, Lumia had tears in her eyes as she told us that Vash's anger had stopped. However, instead of anger, there was a terrible crushing weight of mingled guilt and grief. We were all worried about him, and I suspect I was not the only one praying silently that his heart would heal.
.
Year 113 month 7 days 7-9
The following day, Lumia continued to speak of feeling a nearly overpowering guilt and grief, when ever she opened herself to echoes of emotions from her father. Over time, that blend of guilt and grief began slowly transforming into a variety of despair.
That worried me more than his thirst. If only his body was broken, I knew he could recover. He had returned from the gates to the land of death so many times! However, if his heart became too badly broken... I prayed for him, and for Lumia, every time I thought of either of them.
I later learned that Vash had been involved in a battle with some of Knives' assassins at "Dragon's Nest" Fort on the day when Lumia felt his anger. Meryl had been captured, and Vash fought with the aid of Milly and Wolfwood to rescue her. Some of those who attacked Vash and his companions had killed each other on that day.
Vash always felt badly if someone died as a side-effect of a battle where he was involved. I hoped this intense grief and guilt wasn't what he experienced every time he was unable to save someone. Yet Lumia had not sensed quite such extreme guilt or grief after the attack on our village.
Something else must have happened to pain his heart so badly. I haven't learned for certain what that was.
.
Year 113 month 7 day 22
Approximately two weeks later, Lumia and I were doing dishes after lunch when she tipped her head in the manner that meant she was "listening" for Vash's emotional echoes.
Suddenly she gasped, all color drained from her face, and her knees buckled. I barely caught her before she fell onto the ground.
"What is it?" I asked, concerned.
"It's horrible," she whispered. "It's hatred, of immense strength. I felt Papa's shock, reacting to it, so it couldn't be him that was feeling it. You said he had a brother who was evil? Could this be him?"
"It might be," I said softly. "Stop listening, please, at least for a little while. Try not to think or feel: just relax. If that is Knives, the best thing you can do is relax, as much as possible, so that he can't sense you."
She nodded. Her eyes were huge with alarm. Thankfully, her pulse was not racing nor was she displaying any other physical symptoms of fear. I hoped and prayed that meant she was not feeling it strongly enough for Knives to detect her.
I hugged her and talked soothingly of inconsequential things. Inside, I was worried for both her and her father.
.
Year 113 month 8 day 5
Nearly three weeks after that, during lunch, Lumia said, "Papa's sorrow is growing again," and suddenly tears were spilling out of her eyes.
I got up, walked around the table, knelt on the floor beside her chair, and hugged her. "Perhaps it would be best not to listen in for a few days," I said gently. "I'm sorry he's hurting so much. I'd hug him too, if I could, and if I thought it would help."
"I know you would, Mama," she said tearfully.
"For you to hurt this much, too, though," I said, "it won't help him."
"I like to feel close to him," she said. "I'd rather feel his echoes, even when it hurts, than not feel him at all. Something bad just happened, or he just heard about it, and he was hurting so badly this morning already..."
I hugged her a little more tightly, and stroked her tousled hair. I could completely understand how she felt. If I were able to sense Vash's emotions, I expect that I might be reaching out toward him often, too.
Suddenly she started sobbing hard. The sounds of her cries were so broken-hearted that it made me cry, too. "It hurts so bad," she gasped between sobs. "Somebody just hurt him, in his heart. I think it was someone he knew, at least a little. Part of the pain is like he feels betrayed. How can he bear it?"
I hugged her for both of them, and admitted, "I don't know, dear heart. I don't know."
It was a long time before Lumia was able to stop crying.
That was the day when the radio told of towns where large blades appeared from nowhere to cut down the residents. That had to be Knives' doing, and I daresay that Vash would have recognized his brother's handiwork if he heard of it.
I was late to a council meeting, from comforting Lumia. The council understood, when I explained to them the reason why I was delayed. They seemed glad of the information, even though it wasn't good news.
I later learned that bounty-hunters had dragged Vash out of a church that day, and then attacked him until his defensive wings barely began to manifest enough to deflect bullets. The town had turned on him, calling him a demon and throwing stones at him.
Meryl and Milly had been with Vash and Wolfwood when they came to that town, but only the two men left together after the attack by the bounty hunters. My best guess is that one or both of the ladies turned against him somehow, or did something that felt to Vash as if she had turned against him.
Lumia's understanding of her father's emotions seems to be entirely accurate.
.
Year 113 month 8 day 28
It was a few weeks later when all of the communications satellites began to be destroyed. Lumia said it was Knives, and that his hunger and energy were increasing.
.
Year 113 month 8 day 31
A few days after that, Lumia began having difficulty describing Vash's emotions. Resignation, love that brought no joy but only sorrow, and depression seemed foremost. She thought that her father might be moving toward Knives.
A cold fist closed around my heart: I feared that Vash expected to die. Lumia came to the came conclusion. We held on to each other, and prayed for him.
I had to inform the council. If Vash confronted Knives and died... we were all lost.
.
Year 113 month 9 day 4 and following…
Lumia knew the day when Vash and Knives fought. Again, I held her as she cried from the echoes of what her father felt. That was to be the trend, nearly every day during his captivity.
As the days turned to weeks, and the weeks turned to months, my own guilt grew to overwhelming proportions. There must be something that I could do – something besides sitting at home and worrying and praying.
Vash was my friend, and the father of my daughter. He had done so much for every soul on this world... in our village, he was considered family. All of those were very good reasons to do something for him. Now, if only I could figure out what that something should be!
I had been afraid, I realized. If only I had recognized that sooner, perhaps I might have been more useful to him. Knives had assassins and servants... Vash should have allies, too. He should not need to face that madman all alone.
I am a Councilwoman. Theoretically, that means I have some "say" in what our village does. I will motivate these people to aid Vash... he deserves no less. If anything, he deserves more.
I began speaking to the Council, and to the engineers and technicians. Somehow, together, we will find a way.
.
Year 114 month 5 day 2...
When Meryl and Milly returned, I was relieved to see them.
Preparations were well under way. It seemed as if Knives must be holding Vash on the ship that he was using to travel around the planet, primarily in the southern hemisphere, to collect all of the Plants that he could find.
When Meryl realized we meant to fight, she appeared shocked. "Why is that strange expression in your eyes?" I asked her. "We can't just sit by and do nothing. Surely, you must understand... you probably know more about what's going on than we do, right?"
Then Meryl said her captors had informed her about Vash's past, and she told us what she'd learned.
Some of the others grew concerned that another July incident might happen. I told them that discussion was pointless: the decision was already made.
"Don't you recall that mysterious battle with Knives from the past?" I said. "Forty men chased him into that building. None came out."
"Did they die?" Meryl asked.
"No," I said. "They vanished. When it was over, Knives quietly walked out. But there was no trace of the forty inside the hut. They had been erased, as thoroughly as if they had never existed. Against that kind of power, we are helpless."
I was briefly distracted, remembering how Vash had told us not to worry, that we need not do anything. "I will be the one to settle things with him," he had said.
He looked so strong back then! I could scarcely believe my eyes. I'd wanted to go with him, but I stopped. I cried, and allowed him to leave alone. I have often regretted that.
"I fear that this time, too, he will go to fight all alone," I said. "I want to believe in him, yet I wonder... What if, this whole time, he's been waiting for us to go and help him?"
"That's why, in order to live," I continued, "This one time, when it counts the most, we shall go to his rescue!" I found myself crying. I had meant to contain my emotions better than that, but I couldn't help it. I felt I had failed both him and my village, not to mention the wonderful daughter I had from him. If we were unable to rescue him, I would never be able to forgive myself.
Meryl called my name, but I suddenly realized that the men had a point. July could happen again. However, it would be for a different reason.
"I'm sorry," I said, meaning to apologize for snapping at them earlier. "I just thought of something. If anything resembling the incident at July does happen again, it would be in order to stop Knives."
I briefly stood in silence, as my head dropped lower and lower.
"I'm a terrible person," I said. "Nothing but a coward..." my voice trailed off as guilt and shame mingled with my love and concern for Vash. I dared not say another word, lest I betray my whole heart to all who stood near.
After I admitted to my cowardice, Meryl said, "Me, too."
I looked into Meryl's face and eyes, this woman who is perhaps four or five years younger than I. And when I looked, I saw in her an ache and longing that I recognized all too well. I must never permit myself to admit that to another soul. I dare not permit those feelings to show in my own face or eyes around anyone... except, perhaps, Lumia.
I almost envied Meryl the freedom to let her affection show; though I still worried that she might be more like Jessica than like myself. I hope she can learn to love Vash enough to let him go, and leave him free to find someone that he can love without a built-in certainty of early loss.
.
Year 114 month 6 day 18 ...
People from our village, especially Brad, were instrumental in Vash's rescue.
However, Vash also participated in his own rescue. Somehow, Vash had reached out to Wolfwood, and Wolfwood had responded.
Between the preacher and ourselves, Vash escaped from Knives' clutches and we got him to a place of safety.
Meryl had known where a gunsmith was that Vash had previously trusted with his gun. She accepted the task of seeking him out, and purchasing his services to provide Vash with a new revolver.
So she went away, with Milly. Later, the gunsmith came to give Vash the gift she sought out and we paid for.
All too soon, Vash left us again to seek out and fulfill his destiny with regard to his brother, Knives.
.
Year 114 month 7 day 12…
It wasn't long before Lumia came to me with a stricken expression on her face, and I knew that something terrible had happened. "What is it, dear heart?" I asked, though half afraid of the answer, as I wrapped my arms around her.
"Papa is grieving," she said. "Someone very dear to him has died."
"I'm so sorry," I said, hugging her. "That must hurt so very much. I wish we could be with him, and comfort him."
"I wish we were with him, too, Mama," she said. "He got angry for a short while, very incredibly angry, but now he's sad again. Well, he's both sad and determined."
"If someone killed his friend," I said, speculating out loud, "he may be determined to get justice. That's especially likely, if it was done at Knives' orders."
"I'm sorry someone died," Lumia said.
"Of course you are, dear heart," I said. "I'm sorry about that, too."
I hugged Lumia and comforted her as best I could, while wishing I could also do the same for her father.