Chapter 4 - Slow Wit Bites the Big One
SCENE 1 - INTERIOR, DWARFS' HOUSE
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Unbeknownst to Slow Wit, but knownst to us, she just let the wicked Queen into the dwarfs' home, carrying a load of poison avocadoes with which to get rid of her once and for all. Or at least once and for most.
Slow Wit picks up an avocado from the Queen's basket.
SLOW WIT
Say, this is a nice one.
QUEEN
Why don't you take a bite and taste it for yourself?
SLOW WIT
Well, I don't really like avocadoes without mustard.
The Queen stares at Slow Wit for several beats.
QUEEN
You put mustard on your avocadoes?
SLOW WIT
Only when there's no Catalina dressing.
The Queen hesitates, struggling to process this, then gives up and starts rummaging through her basket.
QUEEN
Uh . . . well . . .
She finally pulls out a pepper shaker.
QUEEN
All I've got is pepper.
SLOW WIT
I've never tried pepper on avocadoes.
QUEEN
Uh . . . well! Here's your chance to try something new! I mean, you never know if you like it or not unless you try it.
SLOW WIT
Okay!
Slow Wit shakes pepper on the avocado and bites down hard. After a few seconds of chewing:
SLOW WIT
Hmm, not bad, but I still prefer mus-
With a loud THUMP!, Slow Wit topples over onto the floor.
SLOW WIT
Zzzzzzzzz...
QUEEN
(wicked)
Hahahahahaha!
SLOW WIT
-turd. Zzzzzzzzzz...
The Queen does an insulted double-take, but quickly shakes it off and runs from the house.
SCENE 2 - EXTERIOR, FOREST, NEAR COTTAGE
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Hours later, the dwarves finally returned home from their mine, completely unaware of Slow Wit's tragic fate.
CRABBY (O.S.)
I don't know what you guys are so mad about! I may have opened up an archeological cave full of priceless artifacts.
The dwarfs emerge from the woods. Their clothes are in burnt tatters, and their bodies are char-broiled and covered in dust and dirt, as if they've just been through one of those old-fashioned cartoon comedy explosions.
STINKY
But did you have to use so much dynamite!
BOSSY
You not only blew up half our equipment, you caved in our three best tunnels!
SILLY
Do you know how much euxarite we may have lost because of you?
CRABBY
Oh, what's the difference! We've never found any use for the garbage we've dug up! Most of the practical uses haven't even been invented yet!
BRAINY
Not necessarily. One interesting trace mineral I found today contains iodine, a prime ingredient in antiseptics. And you know how many cuts and skins miners get.
DREARY
I think what Crabby means is that, just once, couldn't we find some gold?
BRAINY
Gold? That's just about the most worthless metal in the universe! It's too heavy and too soft to use in any type of metal alloys outside of dentistry.
SPACEY
And gold just makes the greedy even greedier. There's too much selfishness in the world as it is.
CRABBY
You guys are hopeless!
The dwarfs suddenly stop as their house comes into sight.
SILLY
Hey, the door's wide open!
CRABBY
Deadbolt! Is that so hard to remember?
BRAINY
But Slow Wit was here this time, and we told her to keep it closed!
STINKY
I hope she's all right!
The dwarfs rush into the house.
SCENE 3 - INTERIOR, COTTAGE
The dwarfs find Slow Wit sprawled on the floor, unconscious.
DREARY
What a place to take a nap.
BOSSY
I have a feeling this isn't just a nap.
Bossy sees the half-eaten avocado next to Slow Wit.
BOSSY
Brainy, what do you make of that?
Brainy picks up the avocado and examines it all over, sniffing it experimentally. He finally gives it a tentative touch with his tongue, and immediately turns and violently spits.
BRAINY
Poisoned!
SILLY
Is there an antidote?
BRAINY
I won't know without a complete laboratory analysis.
CRABBY
What laboratory? This is medieval times!
BOSSY
Which means alchemy . . . or witchcraft!
STINKY
The Queen! I'll bet she did this! What do we do?
DREARY
Stuff her in a trash bag and leave her on the curb?
OTHER DWARFS
(in unison)
NO!
Brainy leans close to Slow Wit's face.
BRAINY
She's still breathing, but it's very slow and shallow, like she's in a coma.
SPACEY
We need to find a way to wake her up. Silly, any ideas?
SILLY
Me? I don't know nothin' about waking no princesses!
SPACEY
Stinky, how about you?
STINKY
What about black coffee?
CRABBY
Not the coffee you make! That stuff can dissolve cast iron!
STINKY
Fine, but the next time you want to melt through a hundred feet of bedrock in record time to get to a new vein of stibrite, don't come crying to me!
BOSSY
Alright, here's my idea. We carry her to the nearest apothecary. Bring the avocado too, they can analyze the poison, maybe determine an antidote.
DREARY
If there is one.
SILLY
Do you always have to be such a pessimist?
DREARY
My mother didn't name me Dreary for nothing.
CRABBY
How are we gonna find an apothecary? We've been living in the forest all our lives.
SPACEY
No sweat bros, I'll check the yellow pages.
Spacey grabs the yellow pages from a kitchen shelf and flips through them.
SPACEY
(reads)
. . . Abbeys . . . Actors' guilds . . . Alchemists . . . Antimatter reactor service and repair . . . Apothecaries! 278 West Enchanted Place, Fairtown.
SCENE 4 - EXTERIOR, FOREST
NARRATOR (V.O.)
So the dwarfs put their plan into action. They constructed a glass case and laid the sleeping princess in it to protect her during the long journey, and they carried her through the woods toward the nearest civilization.
STINKY
We can't do that! The nearest civilization is the wicked Queen's castle!
NARRATOR (V.O.)
No it isn't! Fairtown is only 2 miles south of your house!
BOSSY
South of -
(to other dwarfs)
Have we been going the wrong way?
SCENE 5 - EXTERIOR, ELSEWHERE in FOREST
NARRATOR (V.O.)
So the dwarfs carried Slow Wit through the woods toward the real nearest civilization. But when they got to the apothecary in Fairtown . . .
SCENE 6 - EXTERIOR, OUTSIDE APOTHECARY, FAIRTOWN (as if you couldn't guess)
All the dwarfs except Bossy wait outside the apothecary's office with the comatose Slow Wit. Finally Bossy exits the office and rejoins them.
BOSSY
The secretary says it'll be at least another hour, maybe two before the apothecary can see us.
CRABBY
Crap! Even in fairy tales, they make you wait forever!
They see a well-dressed man approaching on horseback.
DREARY
Who's that guy coming toward us?
BRAINY
Must be a prince.
DREARY
How do you know?
BRAINY
He hasn't got BLEEP! all over him.
The horseman rides up to the dwarfs and introduces himself.
PRINCE ALARMING
Hi fellahs, my name's Prince Alarming. Can you tell me how to get to St. Ives? And who's the babe in the glass coffin!
BOSSY
That's eight miles down the road, and this is Princess Slow Wit.
SILLY
The wicked Queen poisoned her with an avocado!
Alarming quickly gets down off his high horse.
ALARMING
I know some first-aid, let me take a look at her.
The dwarfs carefully open Slow Wit's glass case. Alarming gets up close to examine her.
ALARMING
(to himself)
Hmmm . . . pale . . . barely breathing.
Alarming takes hold of Slow Wit's wrist.
ALARMING
No detectable pulse.
Alarming taps Slow Wit's right knee. Four full seconds later, her right leg jerks up.
ALARMING
Reflexes slow. Looks like a spell of permanent sleep. But there is a cure.
STINKY
What is it?
ALARMING
A gigantic smooch!
Alarming grabs Slow Wit's head, squashes his lips to hers, and gives her the deepest French kiss in history, tongue and all.
BOSSY
Ee-yuck!
SPACEY
Just kiss her, Man! Don't inhale her!
With a loud POP!, Alarming and Slow Wit disengage. Her eyes fly open and she sits up.
SLOW WIT
WWWWWWWOW!
CRABBY
I don't believe it! How'd you do that?
DREARY
Easy, he sucked the poison out.
SLOW WIT
(to Alarming)
I can't thank you enough for bringing me out of that! Beauty sleep is one thing, but that was too much!
ALARMING
Just looking at your beauty and seeing you alive and well is thanks enough!
Alarming gets down on his knee as an uplifting, romantic overture begins playing.
ALARMING
Oh fair one, never have I encountered a lady so fair and good and full of life as you! Will you do me the honor of marrying me? Of coming with me to live in my castle far away in an enchanted land, where we will live happily ever after?
SLOW WIT
Now wait a minute! We only just met!
The uplifting, romantic overture abruptly ends.
ALARMING
Oh yeah. How about dinner and a movie, and see where it goes from there?
SLOW WIT
. . . Works for me!
Alarming remounts his horse and helps Slow Wit up to join him.
SILLY
So long, Slow Wit! Have a great life!
BOSSY
If you do marry the prince, be sure to invite us to the wedding!
STINKY
I'll bake the cake!
SLOW WIT, ALARMING, and the OTHER DWARFS
(in unison)
The hell you will!
STINKY
Everyone's a critic.
Slow Wit and Alarming ride off into the sunset. Yippee-I-yay.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Eventually, Prince Alarming and Slow Wit did marry and went to live at the Prince's magnificent castle in an enchanted land far, far away . . .
(beat)
Okay, it was just over in the next county, but they did live happily ever after, and that's what counts, doesn't it?
SCENE 7 - INTERIOR, LABORATORY, QUEEN'S CASTLE
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Oh, what became of the wicked Queen? Well, after giving Slow Wit the poison avocado, she high-tailed it back to her castle and changed herself back to normal - or at least normal for her.
QUEEN
Watch it!
NARRATOR (V.O.)
So elated was she at finally putting the bite on Slow Wit, she danced around her laboratory like she'd just won the New York Lottery.
QUEEN
I feel like I just won the New York Lottery!
NARRATOR (V.O.)
I just said that!
QUEEN
Shut up!
NARRATOR (V.O.)
If you're gonna keep ragging on me, I'm leaving!
QUEEN
Is that a promise?
(to Mirror)
Now, Mirror! This time I'm going to get the answer I want!
Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
Who is the fairest of them all?
The Mirror's face appears.
MIRROR
Here we go again.
(beat)
Ruby of lips and blonde of hair,
'Tis Slow Wit who is by far the most fair.
The Queen's expression does a slow fade from a smile to a dangerous slow burn.
QUEEN
(low and menacing)
Come closer and say that again.
MIRROR
How can I come closer when I'm stuck hanging on the wall-
QUEEN
NEVER MIND! How the hell can Slow Wit still be fairest in the land! I gave her the poison avocado myself! I saw her keel over myself! I heard her call me a turd with her dying breath myself! I tell you, that spell is absolutely foolproof!
MIRROR
Evidently, you failed to read the spell's fine print.
The Queen does a double-take.
QUEEN
What fine print?
The Queen rushes to her book, flips through to the spell's page, and scans for the fine print. She has to take a magnifying glass from a nearby shelf to read it:
QUEEN
(reads)
"Note: Spell becomes void if victim is kissed by handsome prince." WHAT! You mean I went to all that trouble for nothing!
MIRROR
Yes, my Queen.
QUEEN
And now she's fallen in love with some big-shot prince!
MIRROR
Yes, my Queen.
QUEEN
And they've gone off to his castle to live happily ever after!
MIRROR
Yes, my Queen.
QUEEN
(mocking)
"Yes, my Queen!" Is that all you can say? All my plans and schemes ruined in one story, and all you can do is hang there and say "Yes, my Queen"?
MIRROR
Yes, my Queen.
QUEEN
AAAAGH! Give me one good reason I shouldn't smash you into a thousand pieces and recycle you into a giant beer mug!
MIRROR
Because you will need my value in hock very soon.
QUEEN
What do you mean by that?
The door to the Queen's lab is flung open, and two well-dressed AGENTS march in.
AGENT #1
Are you the wicked Queen?
QUEEN
Yeah, what business is it of yours?
Agent #2 pulls out an ID badge.
AGENT #2
Internal Revenue Service. You owe 300,000 dollars in back taxes. Come with us, please.
The agents each grab one of the Queen's arms, and pull her toward the door kicking and struggling.
QUEEN
You can't do this to me! Mirror! You gotta help me, I need legal help, fast! Where do I go! What do I do!
MIRROR
Frankly my Queen, I don't give a damn.
QUEEN
Oh, shut up!
The agents finish dragging the Queen out of the lab.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Is she gone? Good.
(beat)
The wicked Queen got thirty years for tax evasion, attempted sleep-inducement, practicing black magic without a license, and not paying import duties on the avocadoes.
SCENE 8 - INTERIOR, CORPORATE OFFICE
The dwarfs sit at individual desks, poring and collaborating over various maps, data readouts, and calculations.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
As for the seven dwarfs, they got ten years . . a ten-year contract from Castle Construction Company. The day after Slow Wit left with Prince Alarming, they returned to their mine and hit a huge deposit of granite, widely used in building castles and bridges. They sold the mine for a fortune and now serve as the company's chief mineralogists. And they were able to move out of their old cabin and buy a condominium in St. Ives. And they lived as happily ever after as Slow Wit and Prince Alarming did.
MIRROR (V.O.)
Excuse me, but what became of me after the Queen was arrested?
NARRATOR (V.O.)
You were sold off in the tax settlement and wound up in a second-hand store. But then you got appraised on "Antiques Roadshow" for three thousand dollars, and now you're part of a corporate CEO's private collection in Beverly Hills.
MIRROR (V.O.)
Sweet!
HUNTSMAN SMITH (V.O.)
What about me?
NARRATOR (V.O.)
(getting impatient)
You got a bit part as one of the hunters in Peter and the Wolf, which eventually led to a successful career in fairy tales and movies, playing parts like the hunter in Red Riding Hood, Orion the hunter in Clash of the Titans, and eventually co-starring roles in Night of the Hunter and The Deer Hunter.
SMITH
Damn typecasting!
KING (SLOW WIT'S FATHER) (V.O.)
What happened to me?
NARRATOR (V.O.)
. . . You died!
KING (V.O.)
Oh yeah.
SORCEROR'S APPRENTICE (V.O.)
What about me?
NARRATOR (V.O.)
You weren't even in this story!
SORCEROR'S APPRENTICE (V.O.)
So I obviously don't know what happened to me after it ended, do I?
NARRATOR (V.O.)
That's it! Story's over! I'm outta here!
Sounds of someone stomping off into the distance, opening a door, and slamming it.
THE END
SCENE 9 - INTERIOR, BREAK ROOM, RC GUMBY STUDIO
Slow Wit and Bossy are having coffee.
SLOW WIT
Boy, that narrator is so uptight.
BOSSY
Voice actors. Go figure.