A/N: (If you guys noticed this chapter was uploaded then taken down, sorry. Major formatting error.)

Wow, it's been a while! Sorry about that. School started, plus a bunch of other distractions that range from minor to all-consuming. Also, believe it or not, trying to think of an alternate name for Frybo is really hard and set me off on writers' block for a while.

So, important update: RedLion14, who has given me this swap challenge, has withdrawn it, officially giving me free rein as to which episodes I write! Therefore, I have some new rules: I am not going past Season One. I know, I'm sorry, but if I do Season Two, I'll be obligated to keep up with this as episodes are aired in real-time, and that's not something I want to be burdened with. Also, the plotlines get very Crystal Gem specific (like, how do you translate Jasper into episodes like Keystone Motel?) So maaaaaybe I'll make a sequel once Season Two is finished, but I make no promises. I might do Say Uncle for a fun epilogue, though. That also means you guys can suggest episodes for me to do - any you want, as long as they're before Jailbreak. Leave your ideas in a review!

Disclaimer: I do not own Steven Universe, nor the transcripts used to write these. I do want to get an "I Support Space Rock Lesbians" shirt, though, because is that not the best thing ever?

~*Q*~

Steven had lost something very important. That something was his pants.

Peridot came hurrying through the house, a green bubble floating in her hand. Steven started to call out to her, but she was out through the screen door, letting it bang shut behind her, faster than he could yell.

"Maybe she went out to find my pants?" Steven asked himself. "Nah…"

Suddenly, there was a quiet rustle. Steven looked behind him to see his pants trying to edge out the door.

"Aha!" He tackled them. The pants fought back as valiantly as they could, considering they were an article of clothing, but Steven managed to put them on. They still wiggled strangely, so Steven put his hands in the pockets to steady them. He immediately felt a mysterious object. "Huh?" Inspecting it closer revealed it be a sparkling gem shard. As soon as he pulled it out, the fabric went dead.

Steven was fascinated. It didn't look like much, but as soon as it neared his shirt or jeans, the clothing started wiggling like it had a life of its own.

"Maybe Peridot needs this," Steven decided. "I'm not allowed to touch Gem stuff…but if I get it back to her, she'll be all, 'great job, Steven!' And then I can go on missions with her!" His eyes grew starry just thinking about it. "All right!"

That settled, he called, "Peridot, wait up!" and ran out to find her.

~*Q*~

Steven had already checked the beach, the arcade, the lighthouse, Funland, and Peridot's hidden stash of Gem tech, but the green Gem was nowhere to be found. Legs sore, and hungry after running around half the morning, Steven wound his way toward the collection of boardwalk shops. He was in a fry bits mood, he decided, bypassing Fish Stew Pizza.

Someone ran by, screaming, and knocked Steven to the ground. He stood up angrily and recoiled: there appeared to be a large, unnerving carton of fries peeling its head off. Then a young curly-haired boy's face was revealed, and he threw the costume head to the ground.

"Stupid Chipsy! Ugh!" He kicked it several times, shooing away a flock of seagulls.

"Chipsy?" Steven ventured.

The boy looked down for the first time. "Oh...it's just this stupid costume. You're Steven, right? My dad talks about you. I'm Peedee." He offered his hand.

Steven took it warily and let Peedee pull him to his feet. "So…"

"So…"

"Uh...that thing's kinda creepy, isn't it?" Conversation was not his strong suit.

"Yeah," Peedee said mournfully. "But I can't take him off. My dad - "

As if on cue, the fry shop owner stuck his head out of a side door. "Gah, where's your face, Chipsy? Being part of the Fryman family means you gotta sell fries...and be my son, of course. Keep at it, Chipsy!" He slammed it like nothing had happened.

"Sometimes, I think he forgets my name," Peedee said.

"If it's for selling fries, why is it named after chips?"

"Uh...maybe he's imported?"

"Steven!" It was Peridot. She stormed over to him. "Do you have any reason to be associating with this...flesh person?!"

"Oh! Yes!" Steven pulled out the Gem shard (wisely stuffed inside a sock) and presented it to her. "Look what I found!"

Peridot snatched it up and examined it closely, as if looking for a reason to criticize him. She found none. "Well, good work, I think. Now go back to the house."

"Does this mean I can go on missions?"

"No!"

"Can I go on a mission?"

"Don't talk to me, human!"

Peedee groaned. "Then I'll just have to go back to wasting away my life in this stupid costume! All I wanted was to make my dad notice me and Chipsy's stealing all the attention!"

A crafty light came into Peridot's eyes. "Human...is that hideous raiment made entirely of fabric?"

Peedee inspected it. "Uh...I guess so."

"Then I have a proposition for you." Peridot held up her bubble of shards, plus the one Steven had found for her. "How would you like one of these to manage your suit for you?"

"Could they?" Peedee lit up. "That'd be great!"

In minutes, he had shrugged out of the costume. Peridot placed a shard inside Chipsy's mouth, and the mascot slowly stood up on its own.

"Now," Peridot said, "what is it you want this thing to do?"

Fryman's son shrugged. "I mean...I guess its purpose is just making people eat fries."

"You heard him." The suit shambled off without a sound.

Steven glanced at Peridot, a little nervous. He had never known her to do something for a human - normally she flat-out refused to associate with them. Before he could confront her about it, Peedee had grabbed him by the hand and dragged him off: "Let's go be kids!"

Peedee went straight to a grocery store with two mechanical rides outside of it. Peedee took the seahorse and made Steven get on top of a jellyfish.

Steven wasn't expecting to like it, but he found himself giggling as the ride shook him up and down. Meanwhile, Peedee's smile slowly faded.

"This ride used to make me so happy. Now it's just giving me whiplash." The seahorse stopped. "I feel like there's no point to it, you know what I mean?"

"I j-just feel t-tingly!" The ride made Steven's voice vibrate.

Peedee sighed. "You'll understand when you have a job."

The jellyfish stopped, and the half-Gem shook his head to clear it. "I want a job. I want to help the Gems fight monsters and stuff!"

"You don't really want one. You pick up a job to buy a house, or raise kids, or to...impress your dad. You work away your life, and what does it get you?"

Steven didn't have an answer. "But if you can impress the Gems - I mean, your dad...isn't it worth it?"

"Nothing's worth it," Peedee said despondently. "Nothing can get back what the job takes."

The two boys sat in silence, until a scream shattered the air.

"That came from the fry shop!"

~*Q*~

Steven and Peedee sprinted all the way back to the shop. They were met with a chilling sight: Beach Citywalk Fries' front window had been shattered. Citizens were running away from it in droves, but most of them were dragged inside, screaming, by some kind of pale tendril. In the midst of the chaos, Peridot watched thoughtfully, casually shocking any tendril that got too close to her.

"Peridot!" screamed Steven. "What's going on?"

Peridot's eyes shone. "The test subject appears to be taking the human's command very, very literally. I doubt anything can calm it down now."

"What? Chipsy's doing this? And you just let it happen?"

"It's all just an experiment," Peridot explained. "I had to have some way to see whether the Gem shards still worked. They're just fine, but they're even less obedient than they were five thousand years ago. How about that?"

Something knocked Steven to the ground. He screamed when he realized a fry tendril had grabbed a hold of his ankle. Peridot shocked it off and helped Steven to his feet. "Come on, now!" she chided. "I don't want you getting hurt...I mean, what would Lapis say?"

"Gah!" Steven ripped his arm away. "I...I can't believe…you'd do this! Come on, Peedee!"

"What are we going to do?" he asked frantically, as the half-Gem gripped his arm and dragged him between the tentacles, careful not to touch them.

"I don't know! Let's just get closer!"

Inside the darkened fry shop, Chipsy was terrorizing people, stuffing their mouths full of fries and throwing them away. Peedee screamed when he saw Mr. Fryman among the wreckage. "Dad!"

"Pee...dee…?" Fryman was thrown against the wall, and he slumped to the ground.

Peedee threw planks and debris at the monster. "I hate you! I've always hated you! I wish you were never born!"

"Born…" Steven said. "Peedee! Wait here!" He dodged his way back to Peridot and lunged at her.

"Hey!" Peridot tried to shoo him off. "What?"

"I need those extra Gem shards!"

"No! Why?"

"I'm gonna take all my clothes off and have them all attack Chipsy at once!"

Peridot let her arms fall to her sides. "...Steven, I am literally begging you to not get naked."

And so Steven made his way to Chipsy with a Gem in tow, frantically zapping any tendril within reach. Whenever she started mumbling about how her experiment was getting ruined, Steven started to peel his shirt off.

Peedee wasn't doing so well on his own. He and his father were huddled in the corner as Chipsy, all veins and ketchup drool, advanced on them.

"Dad…?" Peedee whimpered. "I never liked Chipsy, and I hate him even more now."

"You...you never liked him?"

Something green whizzed through the air and smacked Chipsy in the eye. Steven was wielding a handful of Peridot's fingers as if they were throwing darts.

Distracted and enraged, Chipsy turned on him. He ran away, dodging fallen tables and chairs, and Peridot electrocuted the suit as suit as it gave chase. "Now!"

At her command, Steven jumped off of a table and landed on Chipsy's face; his back was lashed by fry tendrils, but they were too jittery to proper yank him off. Ignoring to electricity jolting his body, Steven forced his hand inside Chipsy's cheesy and ketchupy mouth and closed his fingers around the gem shard. Chipsy's body went limp.

Finally, there was stillness.

~*Q*~

Despite the fact that nobody liked Chipsy, Fryman insisted on his funeral. They dumped his body on a broken table and sent him out to sea. He was also on fire because it created a nice toasty potato smell, which Fryman claimed would attract more customers once he cleaned the shop up.

"As greasy in death as he was in life," Fryman said aloud, watching the decrepit mascot send smoke into the sky.

"Dad?" Peedee ventured. "Are you gonna...get another Chipsy?"

His dad smiled fondly. "I don't need another one. I've got my son to take care of."

"You know, Peridot," Steven said, "since I solved all this without taking my clothes off, I think you owe me a favor."

Peridot groaned. "I'm going to regret this…"

~*Q*~

A/N: So, in thinking about it, this crazy-long wait between updates was probably not such a bad thing. After all, "Catch and Release" has aired! Spoilers, but Tinydot is best dot! Because of this, I'll be able to modify her character appropriately. I was thinking about putting the Gems shard inside her unattached limbs, but nah...

Steven got a real shock this episode - maybe the Gems aren't such great role models. Peridot is pretty ruthless underneath all her meme-generating abilities.

At any rate, hope you enjoyed! Remember to leave a review if you liked it, tell me some constructive criticism, praise, suggestions, episodes you wanna see, whatever! See you next time for bubble goodness!

~*Akirys*~