Sorry for not updating sooner! I wasn't really in a writing mood, and I had writer's block, so I apologize for being so useless. I will update more, promise!
Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER, NO MATTER HOW MUCH I LOVE THEM (I'M OBSSESSED WITH HARRY POTTER).
Also, some credit, including the name of the pub, goes to my fellow dream team member HumanlyWumanly. I encourage you all to read her stories, as they are really good. Read them.
This story is dedicated to all those Dumbledore fans out there over the world who think Dumbledore is a freakin legend. Which he is.
AND PLEASE REVIEW IF YOU NOTICED AND LIKED MY LITTLE POTTER PUPPET PALS REFERENCE! IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THEM, WATCH THEM!
'Everyone into the minibus!' Madam Fontana yelled into the building via the doorway. 'If you don't come out now, we're leaving without you!'
Albus came tottering out, accompanied by three new residents; his brother, Aberforth, Minerva McGonagall and Abraxas Malfoy, all of whom got into the minibus.
The minibus, which had the words 'Merlin's Retirement Home for Magical Elderly Folk' printed on either side, with hot pink paintwork, and lime-green grass and flowers setting it off.
Gellert and Horace got in, and Madam O'Donnell followed to make sure everyone was strapped in (last time they went in the minivan, Horace fell off his seat and hit his head on the floor, while Tom cacled at the funny sight. The carers eventually calmed Horace down with crystallised pineapple, but for obvious reasons, they did not want a repeat of it).
From the interior came the usual moans of the residents:
'Albus, get off my foot!'
'I wanted to sit there, move!'
'Oh my Merlin, Horace, stop freakin' stuffin' ya face!'
Minerva just looked down her nose at them all, and gave them all one of her evil stares.
'Are we ready? Then let's go!' Madam Fontana sat down in the front next to Madam Winters, while Madam O'Donnell sat next to the driver. Albus was behind them, next to Minerva, and they were heatedly discussing muggle sweets and ice cream. Behind them sat Gellert and a very grumpy Horace, who sat in front of Aberforth and Abraxas, who were obviously trying to avoid sitting talking to each other. Behind them was Rita and Tom, who was stubbornly refusing to give her an interview on his life for her new book; 'Voldemort: Villanious or Valiant'. Augusta, Cygnus and his wife Druella brought up the rear as the driver (Stuart Backing) let out a manic laugh and sped round the corner. Stuart had, after all, gone to Ernie Prang's driving school in his younger years, and after only five minutes of driving, Horace was just about ready to throw up, and even Tom's milky white skin had turned a pale shade of green
Everyone in Merlin's had gone on the minibus for a very special reason today; it was Albus' 100th birthday, and everyone was going to the new pub that had opened in Godric's Hollow to celebrate. The pub was named 'The Decapitated Warlock' and Albus had specially requested to go there.
'Oh, I do hope I get a telegram from the Queen. She gives them to people on their 100th birthdays, didn't you know?' Albus clasped his hands together and smiled, while Minerva sat there awkwardly. She had no idea what a telegram was, or who a queen was, but judging from what came next, she wasn't the only one.
'WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS A QUEEN?' came Tom's voice from near the back of the bus.
'Mr Riddle, if you use language like that, then carsick or not carsick, I will have to chuck you out the minibus,' Madam Fontana said loudly and sternly, standing up as she said this. She promptly fell over as Stuart rounded a bend in the road.
Finally, they got there, and ten minutes later, after all the elderly witches and wizards had been helped into their seats at a very long table, a waiter came up, wearing a chest- length fake beard and a baseball cap. He smiled at the sight of Albus' own knee-length beard, which he had plaited for the occasion, tied with pink glittery bobbles.
'I like your beard,' he said. 'May I take your orders?'
'A bowl of sherbet lemons, and some mint humbugs,' Albus told him.
'Anything for the birthday boy,' he said seeing the pink badge on Albus' chest.
'I'd like some crystallised pineapple, please,' said Horace. Tom groaned, hiding his face in his hands.
'Sorry, sir, I'm afraid we don't serve crystallised pineapple.'
'ARRRRRRGH!' Horace started to yell, before Madam Winters cast a silencing charm on him.
'I'd like lasagne please,' she said.
'Toad in the whole for me please.' Said Augusta .
'WHAT THE HE-' Tom started yelling, before Madam Winters cast a silencing charm on him too.
'And for you?' The waiter asked Tom. Tom stabbed angrily at the picture of the lobster, before mouthing a stream of mixed swear words and curses.
That was when Horace managed to get his wand out the pocket of his bulging waitcoat and mouth 'Finite Incantatem.' So, of course, Tom's swears words and curses were heard, loud and clear, so that even old Mrs Figg, who was going deaf, looked up from her cat photo albums with a puzzled expression on her face.
'...Hippopotamus...Republican...And Daniel Radcliffe...'
Minerva gave Tom the evil 'How-dare-you-I-hate-you-you-bitch-get-out-of-my-sight-before-I-brutully-hex-off-what-no-magic-can-put-back' stare, and he fell silent.
Albus stood up. 'You did not just use the Elder Swear.'
Voldemort gave an evil cackle. 'Oh yes I did. Whatcha gonna do 'bout it?'
'Well, I'd love a nice joint of roast beef, please,' Aberforth said, breaking the awkward silence.
'Great choice, sir,' the waiter replied.
Once everyone had ordered, Tom decided to go to the loo.
'Anyone wanna come with me?' He asked. No one replied, they just gave him the 'bitch please' look, and he walked off by himself.
Once there, he walked into the men's, and a man ran screaming from the room upon seeing him.
Tom looked into the mirror.
'Must be because I'm so handsome, he's scared of my beauty,' he decided. 'I mean, look at me. I have a pale complexion, nicely shaped nose, ruby red eyes and a fork tongue. What's not to like?'
Just then, a random wizard walked out of the cubicle, before taking one look at Tom, paling and running screaming out the door.
'What did I tell you?' he told his reflection. 'People are scared of me, I'm so beautiful.'
He went to the loo, and then went back to where he found his lobster steaming in front of him. He took it, and pinched Horace's nose with a claw.
'AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGH!' yelled Horace, and another silencing charm was cast, only this time, Augusta nicked his wand and hid it in her massive red handbag.
'Eat up!' commanded Madam O'Donnell, and everybody ate. They wanted to get a slice of Albus' birthday cake, after all.
'Come on everyone, join in!' said Madam O'Donnell, carrying a Barbie-doll cake with a Barbie in the middle and the cake making up her dress. She had magical candles sticking out every inch of her and her dress in order to fit 100 candles on the cake.
'Happy Birthday to you...' everyone started to sing.
Tom's version went something like this:
'Happy birthday to you,
I want to kill you.
I hate your long beard,
And I hate you too!'
(A/N Tom Riddle's version of the traditional birthday song is mine, and has been copyrighted by me. Ask permission before nicking it.)
Thankfully no one heard, and they all had a piece of cake, except Horace, who was protesting against food until he got hold of some crystallized pineapple.
'This cake is actually quite good, Albus,' Minerva commented.
'Why thank you, Minnie, it's my favourite sherbet lemon embedded cake.' Albus told her.
At this, Augusta, Tom, Abraxas, Minerva, Arabella and Rita scraped back their chair and ran for the toilets.
'Seems to me that everyone has bad cases of the runs.' Albus said pleasantly to Horace, who was gaping and looking from Albus to the toilet doors and back again.
Five minutes later, everyone was boarding the minibus again, and Stuart was revving up the engine, ready to head back to Merlin's.
'And get a driver's license, mate!' the waiter shouted, waving.
Since Stuart was practically deaf, Tom could only roar with laughter as Madam Winters' face turned green as they sped off once more.