Dear C,
I don't have much time to write a letter since I'm waiting at King Yemma's place for a plane to take me and King Kai to Grand Kai's planet. Cell kind of blew King Kai's planet up when he exploded and now we're all dead.
Leaving you again was one of the hardest choices I ever made in my life, Chi, even harder than when I let Piccolo kill me. I knew this time I couldn't be brought back to life with the dragon balls. I'd be gone for good. I guess that's not entirely true. I could've been brought back somehow, but I knew it was the right choice to stay here in Otherworld. You'll never know how much I miss you and want to see you. I want to be on Earth and see Gohan growing up, but this is for the best. I'm the reason the Earth's had so much trouble. Without me there, you'll all be safer. And now Gohan is even stronger than me, so if anything else comes, he'll be able to save Earth.
I know, I know. You don't want him fighting. I can still hardly believe you let him train with me and Piccolo for three years. Yeah, you still made him study, but you let him spend most of his time training. And you let him go to the Cell Games. Chi, I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you watching him on TV getting hurt. I don't know if you'll ever forgive me for putting him in that situation. I wouldn't blame you if you don't.
Please never forget how much I love you. I know you didn't like me leaving you before when I died the first time and when I went away to Namek and didn't come back right away. I know I hurt you (you made that clear) but I'm not doing this to hurt you. I don't want you to be sad that I'm gone. I'll be watching over you and Gohan, I promise. No matter how long it's been I won't forget you and I'll probably never stop missing you.
I'm sorry I had to leave you like this. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye. I didn't think I'd die, so I didn't think to tell you before I left to fight Cell. I know we had some fights and we didn't always get along the past couple years. Maybe you were just worried about me and Gohan because of what Trunks told us about the androids. I'm sorry I couldn't be a better husband. I had a hard time even getting my driver's license. I know how mad you were about that. I didn't think you were being fair forcing me to take that class, but I did it anyway because you wanted me to. Well, I'm not going to think about the bad times. I'll only remember the good times we had, when you weren't hitting me with your frying pan or mad at me for something.
I don't know how hard it'll be without me. Maybe you'll be better off in a way. Without me getting in the way Gohan'll be able to study more like you want. But let him go camping sometimes, okay? And maybe let him keep training a little, just so he doesn't forget how to fight. I'm so proud of how strong he's gotten. Tell him that for me, okay? I wish I could tell you all this in person, but I can't leave Otherworld. If I could I would. I'd give anything to see you.
Don't be sad, and please don't be mad at me for choosing to stay here. I only did it because I want you to be safe, and this was the best way I knew how to protect you. Maybe we'll see each other again someday. I hope so. And I hope you'll want to see me too. Even if it's just so you can tell me how mad you are at me for dying again.
I should have told you when I was alive how much I love you so you'll never forget. But I didn't and I'm sorry. Well, I have to go now. King Kai is waiting for me to get on the plane.
With love,
Goku
The recently deceased saiyan handed the folded up letter to the blue ogre and hastily explained that he wanted it delivered to his wife, who was still alive on Earth. He pushed it into the ogre's hand and jumped into the plane that would take him to Grand Kai and his next great adventure. He hoped this letter would actually reach his wife. It seemed every time he wrote one to her it somehow didn't make it to her. But, unfortunately, the ogre he handed the letter to had no way of sending it to another dimension with any chance of it getting to its intended destination.
…
It took days, weeks for the shock to wear off. And when it did, Chi-Chi almost wished it would come back so she could go back to the numbness that dulled her pain. She thought sardonically that she should be an expert at grieving by then, but that didn't lighten her mood any. Rather, it made her even more depressed. Oh, she knew Goku didn't want her to be sad that he was gone, permanently dead this time. Gohan relayed his message as soon as he got home after wishing everyone who that stupid android killed - except her husband.
For the sake of her son she tried to hide her dejection, to sound upbeat when she spoke and move with a liveliness she didn't feel. She hounded him to continue his studies though she hardly cared anymore; in a way she wanted him to forget her desire for him to become a scholar and instead practice martial arts. That way, he would be honoring his father's death. He would be living the way Goku had wanted him to live. But no, she couldn't let her son throw away his entire future simply because her husband made the foolish decision to stay dead when he had the chance to be revived. She could see Gohan was hurting too, grieving in his own way. He hid it well, but he couldn't conceal it from his mother. His pain only made hers worse, turning it into rage as she considered her husband's stupidity, his selfishness, his ridiculous notion of right and wrong and wanting to keep the world safe.
Forget the world! It could go to hell for all she cared. All she wanted was to have her husband back. Why did he keep leaving his family like this? Why, why? When she asked him this question before, he assured her it wasn't because he didn't want to be with her. He told her he didn't like being away from her and Gohan. He told her he would never leave them again. She was naïve to believe him. Goku would never change. Selfish, selfless, she couldn't even figure out what he was. Selfish in wanting to stay in Otherworld to have his fun and train. Selfless in wanting to stay dead so he would stop acting as a magnet for trouble. How could he be both at the same time? It was confusing and infuriating and in the end she decided she didn't care which he was. Either way, she was mad at him for leaving, filled with sorrow that he was gone forever.
They had only been married 11 years, and of those years, Goku was gone for over two. This was the second time she was widowed, by the same man no less. It wasn't natural. She wouldn't give up the years she had with him since his first death for the world, but she felt a stinging bitterness about being his widow twice. Maybe bringing him back to life with magic cursed him and that was why he died again only a few short years later. It didn't matter what the reason was. All she knew was her husband was dead again, and he wasn't coming back. Ever.
Gone when she needed him the most. Did he know she was pregnant when he died? Probably not. Had he known, would it have made a difference in his decision to remain dead? Would he have chosen to come back and be a father to his two children instead of playing around in Otherworld? She liked to think so. She wanted to believe he would have come back, if only to see his second child be born. To help raise him or her. Sadly, she knew better. He still would have stayed dead. He still would have thought it was better for the world. Damn it, always putting the world before his own family! What was wrong with him?
Did he realize when he died he took a part of her with him? They were connected, bonded in a way that exceeded understanding. She could feel his death in her heart, leaving a gaping hole that would never be filled again. No one else could take his place even if she did ever decide to remarry. Goku was the only man she would ever love. They were soul-mates. He was dead. Gone. Forever. By his choice. Was it any different than him committing suicide? In the end the result was the same. He was dead. She was left to live as a single mother, struggling to get by financially, relying on her father for support when her husband should have been there to help. It was shameful, humiliating. She was far too proud to move back in with her father, but how could she support herself and two demi-saiyan children? How could she afford a proper education for them when she could hardly provide them enough food to sate their inhuman hunger?
Hopelessness and despair were not foreign to her. All she wanted since she was a little girl was to get married, raise a family, have a good life of peace and comfort. Instead all she had was grief and poverty. Two children and a dead husband. She was only 30 years old. She shouldn't have such tiresome burdens.
Chi-Chi wiped away the tears that rolled down her cheeks. Her husband was never coming back to her. She just couldn't wrap her mind around it. Every day she went about her housework she expected him to walk in the door with a cheerful wave and his beaming smile, returning from an extended training journey. He would pull her into her arms and kiss her, then ask if there was any food. He would rush into the kitchen and wolf down everything edible before she even made it to the kitchen. And then he would burp, thank her for the delicious meal, and go find Gohan to play for a while, giving him a much-needed break from his studies.
Never again. He would never walk through that door again. He would never sit at the kitchen table again. Never eat her cooking again. Never play with his son. Never see his second child. Never. Never. She would never feel his warm embrace or kiss his lips constantly turned up in a smile. Never feel his fingers running through her hair, never hear his contagious laughter. How could he think this was good? How could he think it was right?
She gave up on being angry with him long ago. She didn't want to dishonor him in death. He made the choice he thought was best. Though she disagreed wholeheartedly, there was no changing his decision now. He was really, truly gone. She was left to go on living, struggling to support her family, trying to get her eldest into a good school, hoping to be able to raise her youngest without a father in the house. Kami, she hoped it would be a girl. She would know what to do with a girl. She always depended on Goku to help her with Gohan when she was at a loss for what to do when he was growing.
Chi-Chi opened the door to Gohan's room a few inches, enough to peek in and make sure he was still studying. He was sitting at his desk in front of the window, the sunlight shining on his jet black hair. So like his father's, spiky and uncontrollable. He reminded her so much of Goku it sometimes hurt to look at him. She hoped he couldn't tell. He was leaning over a book, his cheek propped on the palm of his hand. She knew he wasn't reading. He was looking out the window, probably thinking about his father. Wishing he were alive. Wishing… always wishing. Silently she closed the door and went outside to tend the little garden she had planted that spring. Goku and Gohan had helped her. It was a painful reminder that just a few months ago her husband was alive, he was with her, he promised never to leave her ever again.
Liar. He was nothing but a dirty liar!
She scowled as she kneeled and started ripping the weeds out of the ground with unnecessary force. She clawed at the ground until her fingernails were chipped and broken, dirt caked under them. Why was he gone? Why? She couldn't stop asking herself how he could do this to her. Why did he hate her so much? Why would he leave her like this? Why would he leave his son? His unborn child? Her vision blurred as her deep brown eyes filled with tears that soon spilled over her cheeks and dripped to the ground. Breathing ragged, she furiously pounded the ground and choked back a sob. How easy it would have been to cry, to wail and mourn and grieve for her lost husband. But she couldn't. She had to stay strong for Gohan. She couldn't let him know how upset she was, and if she cried aloud he would hear her. He would know.
"Why did you do this to us?" she hissed, wiping her tears away, leaving smudges of dirt on her face. "What were you thinking? Were you thinking?"
The poor widow could have screamed. She would have been justified. She had every right to be upset. Angry. Hurt. She ripped more weeds from the earth and threw them as far away as they could, but her outburst brought her no satisfaction. How much better it would have been if she could slap Goku's grinning face! If she could give him a good shove, whack his head with her frying pan, deny him dinner, make him sleep outside in the cold, kick his shin, anything! She wanted to hurt him in a way he could understand. Hurt him like he hurt her.
The tears continued to fall as she finished weeding the small garden. There wasn't even a grave for her to spit on or yell at. Nope, her husband didn't just die, he died in Otherworld. There was no body left behind. Nothing for her to remember him by. Nothing. Nothing. Dead. Gone. Forever. She would never understand how he could do this. She would never forgive him. Not this time. This was just too much. Rage filled her heart as she tried to push thoughts of her late husband away. He wasn't coming back. She had to move on.
But Kami, she missed him. She would never stop missing him. Because she loved him. No matter how angry she was, she would never stop loving him, and that was why she would never stop hurting.