Happy Holidays
By: Tenshi no Nozomi (tenshi_no_nozomi@hotmail.com)
Chapter Four
Warnings:
Slight ooc-ness on Usagi's behalf.
Author's Notes:
Italics stand for thoughts, and are found written in first person.
A few people seem to have gotten afraid that I'm quitting this fic. To answer that, no, I'm not. Just because it's not on my immediate stats doesn't mean that I don't work on it all the same. Also, I'm not quitting it just because it's out of season now. That would be extraordinarily stupid of me.
A lot of people seem to get impatient with me as time goes by… All I have to say is, please cool your jets! I have a lot of projects that I'm working on at once, plus schoolwork. And believe it or not, fanfiction writing is a hobby. Meaning, other things in my life take precedence over it.
And people still seem to assume that I'm going to pair Usa up with Squall. Does no one listen to me at all…? I'm just starting this fic up, people, give me a chance to get the ball rolling- Squall may be the main, angsty character but that means jack to me. Just don't upset me, or I might pull something really stupid and have her elope with Raijin in the end. Hah! Wouldn't that be a twist?
Oh, and yes… I make Seifer out into a not-so-nice guy, but the truth is, I really like his character. You'll probably see an improvement in him sooner or later.
I may seem like a total bitch, but sometimes I get very upset with people, and although I don't mean to be offensive… people just don't have a habit of listening when I'm nice. -_-
Squall was pissed. Hell, he was seething, and he wanted to rip just about everybody's heads off and use them for target practice. He'd hang them from tree branches, he'd decided, and let them bob in the wind like disgusting, out-of-season Halloween decorations.
And Seifer's would be the first one hanging.
Usagi was, after all, a friend, right? Friendship was always a strange thing for Squall to deal with. Companionship wasn't exactly what he was always after, and people always seemed to think that he wanted them around. Not true, but no matter how many times he tried to explain this in his own, unique way, they ignored it.
Usagi was different, though. She didn't push her limits, but she always there. He could tell that sometimes she put herself out for him, and there were times that he made her feel awkward and depressed, but she'd never given up on him and just decided, 'You're not worth the trouble, I don't know what I ever saw in you.'
One way or another, everyone else had the habit of saying that. His father had given him up for adoption; his friends had given up on him as a person and had left him to do what he wanted, whether it was good or bad; even Rinoa had given up on him in the end and had left him for her 'ideal man.'
Usagi hadn't, though. She'd hung back when she thought she was fighting a battle that she couldn't win, but she still tried, despite previous situations. The other night had been proof enough of it to him, and despite the fact that he was still irritated at her, at least she had tried.
He hadn't really thought about it before, but he was getting older now. He'd lived for almost twenty years a life that was like an island- he was around people all the time, a sea of them, but he was always alone.
Rinoa had helped him to come out of that shell, to show him that it didn't matter what people thought of him, so long as he had a good opinion of himself. But in truth, Rinoa had been his crutch, a support that he could lean on. As soon as she was gone, he'd collapsed in on himself again, become introverted and cold in the eyes of everyone around him, his own self included.
A relapse, some people said. Those very same people insisted that someone was bound to be able to help him again. But Squall wasn't sure. Rinoa had been special, and he'd lost her. In truth, he wasn't positive that he wanted another person to lead him out and then abandon him.
Abandon him… like his father had… and like Rinoa had. There was too much hurt in relationships. Too much pain when they decided he wasn't worth their trouble anymore.
I hate the part of me that's still the little boy crying in the rain, waiting for Daddy to come back.
He closed his eyes, and surrounded himself with vast emptiness. It was better to be walled off and alone forever, to grow old in silence than to suffer that again, he had decided after Rinoa had left.
When Usagi had waltzed into his life, he hadn't taken her adoring looks seriously. He had purposely ignored and avoided them, brushing away the possibility of a second salvation to protect himself. And now… had he avoided her pursuits one too many times? Would she leave him, too… And for Seifer?
But he didn't really have anyone else to blame, not really. It was his own fault for pushing her away, when what he really wanted was… And so he felt like ripping everything to pieces.
It was all a thrill to him. All a delicious flavor that he was enjoying. Who would have thought that decent people were so easy to play?
It was true, though. Usagi had no other motive in this other than to get Squall to love her. It was pathetic, really, but in a strange way, the look she got in her eyes whenever they talked about Squall was cute. Cute, but stupid- why the hell bother to get caught up in emotions and attached to people when they would only end up leaving you?
It was foolish, really, to trust someone that was almost a total stranger. But that was what Usagi was- a trusting, innocent little girl. Somehow, despite the fact that most people would say that these were miracle attributes that most people did not have anymore and should be protected, it made him feel frustrated with her.
It was all worth it, though, to see the look on Squall's face when he'd walked in. The others were laughable, for sure, but Squall was the one he truly wanted to get. And get him he had- for once the quiet boy looked shocked and hurt, and at the same time, there was a growing force of anger bubbling up under the surface, turning his blue eyes into a hurricane.
Who would have ever thought that the only thing he had to do to get Squall to stop playing around would be to steal his little girlfriend? It was laughable. If he'd known this earlier, he would have cut to the chase, seduced her, and gotten his desired fight.
For a brief moment, a dark hurtful thought flashed across his mind. How does it feel, Squall? To have the one thing you care most about leave you? He fought it off uneasily, and returned to his previous glories.
Not even Squall could ignore him, now, that triumphant voice in his mind gloated.
Still, there was something not-quite-right about the way this game was turning. Usagi's look of trusting vulnerability had surprised him, her acquiescence after he'd kissed her being almost disturbing after so much resistance.
Somehow, Seifer was getting a feeling that he might not remain chess-master for much longer.
Although how college students could figure that a single kiss was supposed to be taboo, or whatever. It wasn't like they were the only person lip locking, or like they'd been at some holy place. It had only been in front of the vending machines, for goodness sake!
Still, Usagi was losing her patience with the people around her. If her neighbors whispered any louder, she'd be able to take notes and relay them to Seifer word by word.
Usagi sighed deeply, and tried once more to concentrate on her work. It wasn't too hard, or at least it shouldn't have been. But those girls were getting louder, and now they were giggling, and out of the corner of her eyes, she could see one of them pointing at her, in a very obvious manner..…
God, it was just one kiss! And since when had her own personal business become everyone else's? And their obvious lack of consideration was really getting on her nerves.
It wasn't like we were even going out, anyhow, a sad, small voice in her admitted. Perhaps hanging around Squall when he obviously didn't want her around had been a mistake? Was it possible that she'd managed to wreck her hopes by trying the wrong method…?
Usagi squeezed her eyes tight, fighting off the feelings of self-doubt. If only they would stop… Her anger rose inside, a bitter thorn that pricked her own soul while reaching out to sting them with its wrath.
Usagi set down her pencil sharply, trying to vent some of her frustration before she bit their heads off. It didn't work, though- she had only made it to the count of '5' before they all giggled again.
Usagi turned around in her seat so fast that her long hair snapped at them with an audible crack and made them jump- it was a shame, she thought, that it hadn't actually touched them. It probably would have hurt like a bitch.
"If you're through with hashing through my personal life," she hissed at them, giving them her best glare. It must have worked, because they had the decency to blush, murmur their apologies, and work in absolute silence for the rest of the hour.
She had thought that she might have felt satisfied after having taken her frustrations out on them, but no. No, it didn't work that way, instead she felt guilty. Guilty that she'd taken her anger out on people that weren't responsible for her problems, angry that Seifer had treated her the way he had, and angry at herself for letting him.
And as much as she'd like to try and blame it on Seifer, it wasn't his fault, either. If she had just tried asking Squall out the old fashioned way- or not so old-fashioned, since she'd be doing the asking- she wouldn't be in so much trouble. Instead, she'd gone and opened a can of worms, and whatever karma she'd sent out was due to hit her any time now.
The bell rang, and Usagi was thoroughly relieved. She was the first to dash out the hall and the building, one of the first in the parking lot. But sadly, she was not one of the first to get to lunch- her junker of a car had at last betrayed her. In fact, from the looks of things, she wouldn't be getting anywhere.
The motor flipped, sputtered, and then died repeatedly. And despite Usagi's coaxing and persuasion and pleading and even the threats, it refused to do little more than that. In frustration, Usagi banged her head against the steering wheel, giving off a short 'toot' of the horn.
She sat there in the car for a few minutes, unsure of what she should do. It was cold inside the car, but it wasn't much better outside- and at least it was a shelter from the bitter cold wind. She could go to the cafeteria and eat, but the slop that was served there wasn't much better than elementary school meals. It was too far to walk to any of the fast food restaurants, and she didn't have enough money for a cab…
Usagi put her head in her hands and fought off tears of misery. I promised myself I wouldn't cry anymore. I PROMISED myself… Usagi sniffled helplessly, feeling the first droplet coursing down her cheek.
She brushed it away angrily, and glared down at her dashboard with equal fury. It wasn't the first time she'd broken her promise to herself, but she was getting better, and she was trying. It's just been an overbearing day, she tried to reassure herself.
She sighed to herself, and was about to try the ignition again when a knock resounded on the window of her door.
Usagi looked up, shocked, and hoping to see Squall. I can explain, I swear I can, she thought to herself desperately. Instead, she was face to face with Seifer, or so to speak, what with the window in between them.
Usagi hesitantly opened her car door and stepped out, feeling more than a bit hostile with Seifer at the moment and grumpy. "What do you want," she asked, feeling wary. She couldn't help but distrust him, with that smirk on his face.
His hands spread in a plaintiff gesture, as though to say he was both innocent and harmless. Neither of the words belonged in the same sentence with his names; it was a pure oxymoron as she was beginning to see.
"It looks like your car's not going anywhere," he commented, stating what was purely fact.
Usagi nodded hesitantly, feeling progressively vulnerable. What's he after this time?
"So come to lunch with me," he stated simply, grabing her hand and attempting to drag her off.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Usagi protested, wrestling her hand free from his grip. "I don't think so," she replied.
"Huh? Why not," he asked, looking confused this time. Usagi cursed him for being so hard to read; she couldn't tell if he was being sincere or faking her.
"Why? Oh, I don't know… Maybe because the last thing I need is for you to make the situation worse."
"Make the situation worse? I don't understand, 'Sagi. It's just a game," he told her, nonchalantly.
Usagi brushed a few stray strands of hair out of her face angrily. "Just a 'game," she bit out angrily. "Well, I suppose for you it is. But for me, this is really important, and all that's happened so far because of your idea is my reputation being flushed down the toilet."
"Why do you say that," he asked her, eyeing her curiously.
Usagi threw her hands into the air, feeling helpless. "I don't know, maybe because all I ever hear in the hallways are whispers with my name in it? Squall won't even talk to me," she finished, much softer than she'd started her argument.
When she'd gone to the library to explain… he'd acted like she wasn't even there. Had brushed her off, hadn't even looked at her. As though he was so disgusted by her words and by her face that he couldn't bear to acknowledge her presence…
Sudden movement caught her eye, and Seifer was reaching in to grab her bag. Usagi began to protest, but he staved her. "You're hungry, you're bound to be cold, and you're obviously upset. Let's get you something to eat, go somewhere a bit warmer than this, call a tow truck… and then we can talk about this."
He began to lead her away with a firm hand pressed against the small of her back, and Usagi tried to protest her again… but even as she began, her stomach growled wantonly. What's the use, she thought tiredly, if even my body's willing to betray me for food?
So Usagi allowed him to escort her to his car, aware of the warm feeling on her back and the feeling that she was being watched at the same time.
If he'd showed her that he actually did give a damn…
If he hadn't ignored her in the library, feigning disinterest in her excuses…
Oh, of course he'd been interested. He'd been interested and hurt and like a wounded animal, he'd lashed out at her in one of the few ways he knew how. He'd ignored her totally, shrugged off all her attempts of explanation.
He hadn't been blind, though. He'd seen the look of hurt on her face, that said he'd managed to crush her. Perhaps completely, this time.
How many times do you have to screw up, his mind lectured. First Rinoa, and now Usagi. What's it going to take…
He'd wanted to apologize. It wasn't something he was good at- hell, he couldn't do it to save his life- but he'd wanted to try, anyhow. Usagi was good enough a person to look deeper that appearances, he thought.
He'd gone outside to find her, and she'd still been there. She hadn't been alone, though. It figured that Seifer would be there.
It was obvious by then that he'd missed some key part of the conversation. What he did understand was that Seifer was taking her out to lunch. She didn't so much as cast a glance in his direction as she was led away…
Inside, he felt angry enough to be sick. Usagi was normally so good with people, at judging peoples' personalities despite appearances that sometimes contradicted them. That was why she wanted to be a therapist, she'd said- she was good at relating with people and helping them even if they wouldn't tell her what the problem was.
So just why is it that she can't see the truth about Seifer?
Squall had forgiven the other boy a long time ago for trying to do what he'd done. Ultimately, the other boy had pretty much joined the occult led by an ambitious and rather frightening woman who had called herself Ultimacea. She'd nearly been the death of them all too many times, but in the end, they'd made it through. (1)
Since then, Seifer'd had too many troubles trying to fit back into their circle of friends to be considered 'back to normal.' For whatever reason inside his mind- perhaps guilt, or maybe he'd simply been twisted to a point from which there was no return- he couldn't relate to them hardly anymore. And although Zell would make a remark that was out of line every once and a while, there wasn't a person not willing to accept Seifer.
It had been about that time that Rinoa had left, and for several reasons. The first being that she needed someone who could love her truly in return, which had hurt him deeply- he loved her more than she could have possibly guessed.. The second, she said, was that she needed to grow, and in order to do that, she had to get away from the past. Apparently to her, they were a big symbol of the past to her.
Despite Seifer's detachment to their group- in general- he was still considered their 'friend.' He had been since they were small children- the group had been formed for reasons beyond their control and they'd been through so much together that certain bonds had formed around them. Certainly, they'd never thought any of their number would leave.
Rinoa had, though, and for a while there'd been a large and empty hole in the group. And while most everyone else was able to accept her leaving and move on- albeit painfully- Squall had been unable to. He'd become withdrawn again, and reclusive, not wanting anyone else to get too close to them.
Selphie met Tsukino Usagi a year later, a girl who went to their college. Squall had thought that the girl wouldn't stick around for very long- newcomers didn't have a habit of going over very well with the group. However, over time, she had managed to wedge herself into their lives, and had become a good friend to them. She'd taken Rinoa's place, and…
Wait. Taken Rinoa's place? Squall frowned to himself. Surely that wasn't all that Usagi was to him, right? A replacement for Rinoa?
There. For the sake of getting this out soon, I've finished. People need to learn to be patient, however. I have people waiting for TVT to get updated and they don't whine at me.
Anyhow, I hope you enjoyed, but I won't be able to update anything for a while. I'm working on a secret project, two joint projects, and all of the projects that need to be updated, so… give me a break, please. ^^;;;;