"That harassed roll is going to get up and slap you if you keep staring at it like that."
"That is not possible sir. Shawarma rolls are not sentient enough to feel harassed, and they most certainly are not equipped with the necessary muscles to get up and slap a person", replied Jarvis, in a very snark tone. They were both in the restaurant which was only half full of customers. Luckily, this place didn't have a strict no shoes, no bra, no service rule.
Tony shot him a questioning look. "What do you mean by 'not sentient enough'?"
Jarvis ignored his creator and continued his staring contest with his food. He found it fascinating that his visual perception can induce a discomfort in his stomach. His stomach growled for the fifth time already and it was driving Tony nuts.
He cannot stand the fact that his AI was starving himself.
"Jarvis", he started, with a voice resembling that of a mother about to lecture her child, "I'm sure you know your basic human physiology yet you still ignore the fact that you need to eat."
"Eating was never in my programming sir. Engulfing this roll might affect me ways I cannot predict."
Tony chomped into his second Shawarma roll, chewed the way an average guy does and swallowed. "You're no longer a computer, buddy. You have a human body and that body needs nourishment." He eyed the soda located next to his plate. "What's gotten into you? I'm 100% sure that you know what's going to happen when you eat that roll."
"After chewing, the bolus formed will go through the pharynx, then the esophagus and down to the stomach where it will be digested", started the AI, "and the necessary nutrients are to be absorbed in the intestine. Sir, you have installed multiple encyclopedias and biology books into my programming but I doubt it helps with the actual process."
Tony gave out an exasperated sigh. "See? You know exactly what's going to happen, yet you can't bring yourself to eat that delicious roll... Wait a minute..."
"Sir?"
"Shut up J let me think."
Jarvis remained silent and carefully observed his creator, who was now staring at his third roll. Tony suddenly flashed him a smirk.
"Jarvis Bartholomew McClarence", Tony called, making his companion raise a brow at the weird name he just received, "are you actually afraid to take risks?"
"Sir, who is Jarvis Bartholomew McClarence?"
Tony waved his hand in dismissal. "It's just something random I came up with so that I could emphasize my point. Don't interrupt me. Now let me ask you again; Jarvis Bartholomew McClarence, are you actually afraid to take risks?" he said, emphasizing the new name in a more humorous manner.
"I do not agree with that name sir. Not especially since two of the waiters in this particular location are named 'Bartholomew' and - "
"And now you're avoiding my question." Tony teasingly remarked as he took a small piece of Jarvis' food with his fork, and picked it up. "My AI, my 'Just A Very Intelligent System', my one of a kind sentient program, is actually afraid to ingest Shawarma."
Jarvis opened his mouth in an attempt to argue, but Tony immediately forced his fork into his mouth.
At first his eyes widened in horror, but after a few seconds, Jarvis began to chew slowly. After swallowing, he stared at the roll once more.
"So?"
"It was surprisingly pleasant sir. I can now conclude that my taste buds are fully functional." He reached for his spoon and fork and cut pieces of the roll, looking quite eager.
Tony beamed inwardly as his AI started eating, but his happiness died after a while since Jarvis took every bite with caution. He was about to rant on how the guy chewed like a 250 year old turtle, but then he noticed something very important.
Loki turned Jarvis into a hot piece of ass.
His short, light blonde hair was unruly in a sexy way, and Tony cannot stop looking at the way his lips aggressively yet carefully moved as he gingerly chewed. And damn, those eyes! He had no idea that it was possible for someone to possess electric blue eyes that could glow faintly in a dark room. They were extremely sharp yet full of curiosity and innocence. He also loved the way his nose was sharp yet seemed sensitive; after all it was just perfectly sculpted yesterday. The man noticed a grain of rice just above his lip, and he used his tongue to seductively (only according to Tony and other females in the vicinity) retrieve the piece and return it into his surprisingly attractive mouth.
The best thing about this was that Jarvis had no idea that he was way too aesthetically pleasing to look at. Tony has already noted the number of women who looked hungrily at the oblivious man.
The billionaire was sweating now. He kept chanting certain things in his mind, like 'Shit. I am a manly male man possessing testosterone I am a manly male man possessing testosterone...'
Loki is a fucking piece of shit. He has established that fact and he will reestablish it again and again.
Keep your cool Stark. Keep your fucking cool. Shit.
"J, this is not a food commercial. Hurry up we still have stuff to do."
"One moment, sir. I need to gather sufficient data and store them for future use."
Tony rolled his eyes. Good, he didn't notice whatever he was going through right now. "Well fine, but don't tell me that it'll be an hour before you finish that." He glanced at the menu displayed on the counter. "J, do you want to try other stuff?"
Jarvis chewed the current portion for the 36th time. "Like what, sir?"
"Shawarmas are savory. I'm in the mood for something sweet." Yeah, he needed something cold and sweet to wash of the annoying female hormones causing him to think of unthinkable scenarios.
"What do you suggest, sir?"
Tony called the waiter named Bartholomew, who had curly black hair and looked like he was in his early twenties. "Hey you!" Bartholomew looked at his direction, and pointed at himself while mouthing 'me?'
"Yes you. Isn't your nickname supposed to be 'you'?"
The waiter motioned towards them. "Why'd you assume that, ma'am?"
"You know, Bartholom-YOU. Makes perfect sense. Anyway, get me 2 cups of your vanilla ice cream." Tony waved him away.
Bartholomew didn't move an inch. Tony felt his stare boring through his skull. "So are you going to move or should I call your pal over there called McClarence to finish the job?"
"You know for a pretty woman, you sure are bossy. Like my boss." Tony's nose scrunched up at his 'bossy like my boss' remark. But he was disgusted mostly because he was called a pretty woman.
"Thanks. Anyway, the ice cream please."
"Whatever."
He left, leaving Tony to stare at Jarvis who was still chewing pieces of the same damn roll.
"You operated faster when you were still a program."
Jarvis locked his gaze into Tony, then started to eat in a hastened pace. "The data I have gathered now stored into my memory. It would be easier to remember the taste of this roll."
His creator sighed. "You're no longer a program J, there's no need to put much effort into storing data or memories because your brain will do it for you automatically… are you in denial or something?"
"I find it comforting to operate the way I used to. It helps me adjust to my newly acquired functions." He started opening and closing his hands in front of him. "I still find muscle movements both disturbing and interesting."
Tony let out a sigh. "That's how I feel about this situation we're in."
"Here you are guys; two cups of vanilla ice cream", Bartholomew chirped. He placed one in front of Tony and the other in front of Jarvis.
"Thank you, Bartholomew."
"You're welcome sir." He smiled at Jarvis, and ignored Tony.
"Well that was rude", he muttered while scooping up some ice cream. Before he indulged himself with the dessert, he carefully observed the man in front of him.
Jarvis took a scoop, and gingerly placed it in his mouth. His eyes immediately widened, and he did a double take. "That was quite unexpected."
Tony stifled his chuckled by eating numerous scoops. "What was?"
"I felt a new sensation…" he trailed off and looked into a wall, as if mentally going through the data banks he once possessed. "Sir, is this ice cream what you would call 'cold'?"
"Oh! Yes yes it's cold. Holy shit I forgot for a second that you aren't used to physical sensations yet." He went back to consuming the cold treat. He was about to take the last scoop but stopped when he glanced at the man in front of him.
Jarvis was staring at him intently, and the way his eyes looked at him was enough to turn him on.
"What? Am I man again?" Tony kept his cool with much fucking effort and felt his chest, but found himself cupping his breasts. "Apparently not."
Jarvis suddenly shifted nearer to Tony, and his hand cupped her face. Sweat beads were starting to form. "Jarvis - "
Shit. He was getting dangerously close, and he locked his gaze on his creator's mouth. Tony felt Jarvis' thumb move towards his lips as if removing something there, and that's when the AI sat back down.
Jarvis licked off the ice cream from his finger without ever changing the way he still stared at Tony, whose heart was beating way too fast. After licking his thumb, in a sexy way I might add, he broke the eye contact and squinted at his finger. "The ice cream smear from your face isn't as cold as the one inside the bowl."
It took Tony 5 seconds to get his brain working. "Uhh of course. A major part of its surface area has already been exposed to human body temperature; my temperature."
Did he just admit that he was getting really hot right now?
Jarvis was still squinting at his finger. "Interesting. I need to store this into my data banks as well."
"Knock yourself out."
Tony himself was already pretty knocked out. That weird moment with Jarvis was really energy draining. He desperately needed to get back in his original body, or else his female emotions will get the better of him.
He needed to find Loki fast.
"J, pay for the food. And get ready as well; we have work to do."
Pepper turned her attention to the man by the door, who was wearing a black cap, a white shirt with the American flag on it, a pair of jeans and flip flops.
She should really start teaching Captain America how to dress according to the modern times.
"Ms. Potts?"
"Steve, I just told you an hour ago that you should call me Pepper." She smiled, approached the tall man and gave him a hug, and Steve reciprocated by planting a peck on her head.
"I hope you're doing well", Steve said, observing Pepper closely. "You just got back here from different business meetings... Have you slept well?"
Pepper gave him a weak smile. "I'll rest once I know that Tony's alright."
The Captain shifted his attention to the broken mug and to the blanket on the floor, then he glanced up to the ceiling.
"So Jarvis hasn't been responding?"
Pepper shook her head. "I've tried talking to him for the past hour and none of the usual commands would make him reply. I attempted to do an override, and I was almost halfway through when I realized that I forgot how to do it. Tony's usually the one who knows Jarvis' protocols more than I do…" The woman trailed off, as if remembering something.
"I know that he's just a program but I can't help but feel worried for him too. He's more of a friend, you know? We've been through a lot together."
Steve nodded solemnly, understanding her emotions. "Yeah, without Jarvis it's going to be really quiet around here."
The man reminisced the moments he had with the AI. Jarvis was really adept at teaching him how to use the household appliances such as the toaster, the washing machine, the oven, and Tony's Wii console. He was also there to converse with him when he was lonely. There was this time when all Steve did was chat with Jarvis for a whole afternoon about the most ridiculous things, like whether one should pour milk before cereal, or whether the chicken came before the egg.
The large man, headed towards the workshop, and punched in the numbers Tony made specifically for him.
Steve quickly noticed the gun-like things on the ceiling.
"Are these the blasters you were talking about?"
"Yes. Tony just installed them last week so I think these are different compared to the last one."
He observed the intricate designed it had. He had never seen these before. "Yeah, these are new to me."
Holograms of the MARK suits were still hovering around the main table, which was filed with different kinds of monitors.
"He was working on something, but I can't specify what. All I know that it had something to do with his suits", Pepper remarked while hovering her fingers across the holographic projections.
Steve carefully observed her motions and the way the projections responded to her movements. He still wasn't used to how technology worked during these times.
"Can you get information from those… floating images?"
Pepper chuckled. "I think he was adjusting some settings, but that's all I could get from this. Jarvis usually translates the codes and numbers to English that I could actually understand."
Steve nodded. "You have cameras installed around, right? Did you check the footage of what happened here a day ago?"
The stressed woman sat down on the sofa Tony used to place all his blueprints and scratch papers. "I thought of that, then I realized that I don't know how. Usually I just ask Jarvis to show me the footage."
"Wow", Steve breathed out, in an unbelieving manner, "you're going to need at least a week to get used to Jarvis' disappearance."
"I know… Do you have any other ideas we could try?"
Steve closed his eyes and tried to focus. "I think we can call Romanov or Barton. I don't know if they can get past Tony's programs, but I'm sure they can trace a cellphone. Does his phone still ring?"
Pepper took out her cell phone and dialed the man's number. It rang a couple of times.
"It still rings, but he doesn't answer." Pepper was getting really worried now. "Damn it Tony, pick up!"
"She's calling again."
"Why won't you answer it, sir? It must be relevant."
"It's Pepper; of course it's relevant." Tony scanned the different bras and bikinis that were surrounding them right now. "But I have way more relevant things to do."
They stood in the middle of the women's underwear section inside the department store, and he was having the time of his life. Tony had waited for a moment like this since he was 17 years old, and the bonus thing was that no saleslady will drag him away and no paparazzi were there to record this crowning achievement. Yes, the situation was really disturbing, but being who he is, he'd still find a way to ignore the bigger elephant in the room and have a little fun with it.
"J, which do you prefer, seductive black or innocent white?" He held up the white bra in his right hand and the black one in another. "Come on, I won't judge you for whatever you choose."
"How would you want me to choose, sir? Based on the strength and elasticity of the material, or based on the comfort it could provide to your mammary glands?"
"How about you just choose?"
Jarvis squinted at both. "I think you'll look good in white, sir."
"Have you been watching angel porn lately?"
Tony swears he saw Jarvis' eye twitch. Messing around his overly serious AI was incredibly fun. "Get me 5 of these. I also need 4 sets of briefs."
"Briefs, sir?"
"Yes. Did I stutter?" Tony looked hungrily at a lacey piece of red underwear he found near the corner. "Just get any random set of briefs and meet me back here. Or in the lady's clothes section. You know what, I think I'll be staying here for a while."
Jarvis did a small nod and went to find his owner some briefs. Tony remained looking at the red underwear and the other incredible bikinis.
"Excuse me ma'am?"
Tony shifted his attention to the woman standing beside her. She had long black hair and seemed to be of Chinese descent.
"Yeah?"
"Are you buying that? Because if not, I really want to try it on. My husband and I are leaving for a vacation in Hawaii this weekend and I - "
"Don't fill me with the details; just go and try it." Tony handed her the underwear by pushing it into her mildly.
"Uhh… thank you?" said the woman. She looked confused and insulted, but she left with a smile while admiring the piece of clothe she acquired.
Tony felt really weird. It's as if he experienced something he's never tried before.
And no, this was not about his change in gender, because he was really doing awesome lately, and no one suspects that he was a guy-turned-into-a-girl.
He tried to think about why it felt different talking to the lady for a few minutes, while staring at the polka-dot bikini to his right.
Then it hit him.
It's been a long time since he talked to normal people. Sure, he has talked with Officer Barnes and some officers a while ago but he still had authority over them. He doesn't mean to discriminate, but he considers himself above average. The people he surrounds himself with are all above average as well.
It's as if for the past year all he has ever spoken to was Pepper, Happy, Rhodey, the Avengers and Fury, some business partners and pesky journalists. There's that kid from his experience with the Extremis… what was his name again? Harold? Harley? In addition, he's been spending countless hours inside his laboratory and workshop, and the only entity that accompanied him the entire time was Jarvis.
Anyway, Tony Stark was not used to mingling with people outside his usual circle.
This was going to be a problem. He still hasn't told Jarvis that he had no intention of going back to the Tower, not with Pepper around. The rest of the gang already finished up the mission given to them, so sooner or later they'll be back and he has no intention of appearing in front of them looking like this.
He has already thought up of a plan anyway, so the decision is final. He's not going to go back to the tower.
Tony was getting bored of looking at all the underwear and decided to look for his AI. He scanned the area for a tall, blonde guy, but he was unable to spot him.
"Gonna have to buy a phone for him soon", he muttered to himself as he paced around the mall looking for the cashiers. His hands remained crossed across his chest, because the mall was full of busy people and he had no intention of humiliating himself in front of these commoners.
After a few minutes of encircling the underwear section for the 3rd time, he found the man who just finished paying for his underwear.
He wasn't alone though; he was surrounded by a group of women who appeared to be old enough to drink.
"Oh my gosh, so you're British?" asked the brown haired woman with unbelievably large hoop earrings. She was slowly encircling her arms around Jarvis, who seemed to subtly ignore the action.
Jarvis was not entirely uncomfortable with the situation, but he really wanted to limit his social interactions since he still wasn't sure if he'd appear as a normal human being. "It's highly logical for you to think that I am British; after all I was installed with this voice and accent."
Another woman held Jarvis' other arm, admiring the well toned yet lean muscles. "You must be a model. What exercise routines do you do every day? I mean, you look unbelievably fit." She traced Jarvis abdominal muscles, and the AI backed away very slightly because he was beginning to feel things he wasn't used to feeling.
Two other women, both blonde with short hair kept on staring at his face. One of them, the one with the pink hand bag, gave him a sly smile. "You know what, we should get a drink. It'll be my treat." The rest of the women agreed hastily, making the man really nervous.
The other blonde nodded and looked at his feet. "But we better get you some shoes first."
"That really won't be necessary ma'am." He was trying really hard to keep a friendly, smiling face.
"Aww come on! I mean you're still single right? You should know what the night life in the U.S. feels like. You might even hook up with some girls here!"
Tony was trying so hard not to laugh. Jarvis' face right now was so precious; it was like he was so constipated with emotion and he doesn't know how to react to this situation.
Time to save the day. The former guy waltzed in to the scenario looking quite smug.
"Sorry ladies, but this guy's having a drink with me." Tony exclaimed, making sure that those bitches were hearing him right.
"Sir!" His creator shot him a stern 'Do-not-ever-call-me-sir-in-public!' look.
"And who are you?" asked the brown-haired girl. Her large earrings were incredibly distracting.
Tony looked at them with a serious face. "Technically, I'm his mother." He took Jarvis' arm and hauled him away from the group, leaving them to their open mouths.
"Time to go now, son."
The AI breathed a really huge sigh of relief and smiled at his creator. He didn't know he was doing so; the human part of his complicated brain was beginning to function.
When they were about two meters away, Tony heard one of them shout "OH MY GOSH NO WAY SHE'S TOO YOUNG TO BE HIS MOM!"
He couldn't help it; he wore a smug smile of pride all the way to the shoes section.
"That was an excellent move, sir", stated Jarvis who was still feeling a bit tired yet amused.
"I really have to orient you about several things J." Tony looked at the several models of shoes that were displayed. He had to find new stuff for the both of them if he wanted to go on board with his plan.
"Like what, sir?"
"Like the fact that I somehow agree with those girls; you are incredibly hot." There, he said it. He unconsciously grabbed a black school shoe from the nearby rack and examined its parts closely.
Jarvis tried to process the information. "And I suppose by 'hot' you don't mean high temperature, sir?" The man smirked sexily.
Tony shot him a surprised look. "You smug son of a bitch. How long have you known about this?"
"Ever since I noticed your rapid breathing rates back at the Shawarma restaurant."
Wait a second, he noticed it?
"Not just that sir, your pupils dilated significantly, your heart was beating 4x faster than normal, you started to sweat despite the cool temperature provided by the air condition - "
"Okay, okay stop right there." Jarvis didn't want to be interrupted, but he stopped talking anyway.
"First of all, the air conditioning there sucked. It was really hot but you haven't noticed it yet, probably because of you getting used to your senses." He took another random shoe and observed it way too hard. "Second; the food was so delicious that I had to stop and take a couple of breaths of appreciation. My pupils practically dilated at the savory taste it had."
Jarvis gave him another sexy smirk. "Of course sir."
Ughh, this was so annoying. He had to keep his female hormones and physiological responses in check.
"Anyway", exclaimed Tony. He had to change the subject quickly. "We have to get ourselves a huge set of new clothes. Oh yeah J, we're not going back to the tower."
The AI's eyes went wide. "And why is that, sir?"
"The Capsicle and his rowdy band arrived earlier this morning and Pepper just came back from Dubai. I'm not going to waltz in there looking like a tramp. Anyway, I have a plan to capture Loki." The man took another shoe and inspected the intricate patterns it had.
"Miss Potts has arrived? But she was scheduled to depart tomorrow."
Tony frowned. "I know. She said that she came back here because of me, but it's probably because of her Mr. Beard."
"Sir, Mark doesn't have a beard."
"I'll call him whatever I want. Anyway, we're going to get a hotel room in some fancy hotel and stay there for the mean time. That's why we're going to need some new clothes and new laptops. Also phones; we need to buy phones."
Jarvis tried to assess whether this was all necessary. "Is this part of the plan sir?"
Tony took another shoe and carefully observed its shoelaces. "Of course."
"And are you certain it will work?"
By this time, the billionaire was holding 4 different models of shoes. "We'll figure that out later."