Me: Alright, guys, here it is, just like I promised: Our very first adventure, starring Bed Bath & Beyond!
Erik: With special guest, Lowes!
Me: Enjoy, my lovelies! Plenty of craziness to be read! I apologize for how freakin' long it is, but it'll definitely be worth it!
Bed Bath & Beyond Hysterical
Early the next morning, I was the first one to wake up, so I put my robe on over my nightgown and I went into the kitchen to start on breakfast, since it was my turn to make it that morning. The silence was strangely odd to me (since I had quickly grown accustomed to constant noises just the previous day) as I gathered and mixed the ingredients for homemade waffles.
I was in the middle of pouring the mix into the waffle iron when Mary Frances and Erik both entered the kitchen and take their seats at the island bar.
Me: Good morning, you two!
Mary Frances: Good morning!
Erik: Yes, good morning, indeed. *turns to Mary Frances* You nailed me in the shin last night, you little imp!
Mary Frances: Maybe you should refrain from becoming bored at 2:30 in the morning and attempting to punjab the fop, therefore waking up everyone in the house and quite possibly the whole neighborhood!
Erik: Yeah, whatever! I have a freakin' huge bruise there now, so thanks!
Mary Frances *smiles innocently*: No problem!
Erik *retorts with death glare*: Unfortunately, those stupid mongrels stole my lasso last night, so consider yourself lucky to still be alive…
Me *rolls eyes*: This is going to be a long day… Guys, it's not even 10 o' clock in the morning yet and you two are already fighting like a cat and dog!
Erik & Mary Frances: …s/he started it!
Me *distributing waffles onto plates*: I really don't care who started it, I just want everyone to please get along today because we're going up to Bed Bath & Beyond and Lowes to shop for décor and paint for all of the newly occupied and to-be-occupied bedrooms!
Mary Frances *rolls eyes*: Yes, mother…
We stick our tongues out at each other teasingly.
Christine & Raoul *comes down stairs and enters kitchen*: Wow, what's that smell?
Me: Waffles!
Erik (to Raoul): How in the world did you escape from my cocoon of sheets?
Raoul: I didn't…Christine found me this morning and released me!
Erik: Figures…
Me: Christine, Raoul, would you like to try some orange juice?
Erik: DON'T DO IT! Trust me, it's such a disgusting, vile, nauseating beverage, it's not worth putting your taste buds through such torture!
Christine & Raoul *taste the OJ while Erik rants on*: Wow, this stuff is great!
Erik:*shuts up and hangs head*
Mary Frances: Aw, don't worry, Erik, you're not alone, I hate orange juice, too!
Erik: Finally! Someone agrees with me!
I hand everyone a plate of waffles.
Erik *suddenly confused*: Wait, what happened to 'pancakes for breakfast'?
Me: That was yesterday's breakfast, today's is waffles! Got a problem with that?
Erik: Yes, I do!
Christine & Raoul *chowing down on waffles*: Dude, how can you have a problem with this stuff?
Mary Frances: Seriously, Erik, they're almost the exact same thing as pancakes! Except they're a little crispier and they have a bunch of indented squares on the surface…
Erik: Precisely! Therefore, they are inedible!
Me *exasperatingly*: You haven't even tried it yet, you stubborn dolt!
Erik: I don't care, I refuse to eat these pancake-impersonators!
Me: Fine, don't eat them! But don't come complaining to me when you're dying of starvation later on!
After the rest of us finish our waffles, we encourage everyone to shower and get themselves ready to head out.
Once I take my shower, I decide to wear my purple and black steampunk dress along with my Edgar Allan Poe inspired Raven's eye earring. I pull my curls up into a tight bun and secure it with an antique comb.
Mary Frances wears her usual jeans and a comfortable midnight blue tunic. Her hair is French braided.
Christine, Raoul, and Erik are all wearing their same clothes, since we don't have anything else for them to wear yet.
Before we leave, I take Erik upstairs and lead him into a closet.
Erik: Okay, why are we going into a closet? I'm pretty sure Narnia's not in here, but that would be freakin' awesome if it was!
Me: No, the door leading to the attic is inside the closet, you dork… And how do you even know what Narnia is?
Erik: …I got bored again…
I merely sigh and roll my eyes as I open the door to the attic and show Erik its design. It is very spacey with a ton of boxes stacked all over the place. There are two domed windows on either side of the room and two more windows implanted in the tall, slanted ceiling above.
Erik: Very nice…yes, this will do nicely!
Me: Great! Let's get going!
We then meet everyone else back in the kitchen when we're ready to hit the road.
Me *grabs car keys and purse*: Alright, come on, let's go!
We go into the garage where our red Mustang and blue minivan reside.
Erik *eyes Mustang*: Oooohhhhh shiny!
Me:*presses button on remote and garage door begins opening*
Raoul *screams like a girl and hides behind Christine*: HOLY CRAP, IT'S GOING TO EAT ME!
Christine: Raoul, shut up, it's not going to eat you!
Raoul *looks over Christine's shoulder warily*: Oh… *straightens up and pretends nothing happened*
Me *opens car doors for them*: Alright, come on, get in the van! So much shopping to do, so little time!
Erik: But…why can't we take the awesome one without a roof?
Mary Frances: First, we wouldn't all fit! Second, we certainly wouldn't be able to fit all the stuff we buy today in the trunk!
Erik *hangs head disappointingly*: Dang it… *climbs into the van*
I get in the driver's seat, Mary Frances claims shotgun, Erik and Christine sit in the second row, and Raoul sits in the middle of the backseat. When I start the car and begin backing out of the garage, Erik grips the base of his seat and holds onto it for dear life.
Erik *very panicky*: Is this thing safe?
Me: Not necessarily…
Erik:*whimpers as we pull out of the driveway*
Christine *takes his hand comfortingly*: Erik, calm down, everything's going to be just fine.
Raoul: As long as we don't collide into another moving vehicle!
Everybody: SHUT UP, RAOUL!
Before we pull out of the neighborhood, I turn the radio on and start looking for a pleasurable station. I accidently land on a Pop station and Justin Beaver-oh I mean Bieber-starts playing!
Mary Frances: AAGHHHH! TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!
Christine *quite appalled*: What is this crap?
Erik *covers his ears*: MY EARS! THEY BLEED!
Raoul: …I kinda like this music… *dances in his seat to the beat*
Mary Frances: *hastily changes the channel to our usual Broadway station*
Raoul *stops dancing*: Awww, I liked that song…
Me: Only you, Raoul, only you…
We continue driving for about 20 minutes…
Raoul *for the thirty-seventh time and counting*: …are we there yet?
Me: Okay, does it look like we've arrived at our destination?
Raoul: …no, not really.
Me: My point exactly!
Another 10 minutes…
Raoul *for the forty-ninth time and counting*: …are we there yet?
Me: Yes!
Raoul *gets excited*: Really?
Everybody: NO!
Raoul:*cowers and shuts up for two minutes*
And another 10 minutes…
Erik *sounding wary*: Um…Lauren?
Me: Yes?
Erik: …I'm hungry…
Me *sighs exasperatingly*: Oh for God's sake… *pulls into Chick-Fil-A drive thru* Alright, what do you guys want?
Mary Frances: Don't ask or we'll be here all day, just get 5 chicken sandwich combos.
Me: Fine. *rolls down window to order* Hi, can I get 5 chicken sandwich combos?
Intercom *hip black lady's voice*: A'right, honeychild, an' what would you like ta drink fo' dem 5 combos?
Erik & Christine & Raoul *scream in horror*: HOLY CRAP, IT'S ALIVE!
Mary Frances: Guys, shut up!
Me: Seriously, I'm trying to order! *turns back to intercom* Um, 1 Sprite, 1 Mountain Dew, 3 cokes…no, wait, 2 cokes and 1 water…for safety purposes…
Erik: WHAT THE HECK, SHE'S SPEAKING WITH IT!
Christine: SHE'S CRAZY!
Raoul: I WANNA GO HOME!
Mary Frances: CALM DOWN!
Intercom: …everythang okay ouwt dere?
Christine: IT'S TALKING TO US NOW! *breaks down in tears*
Me (to Intercom): Yes, yes, we're fine!
Raoul:*starts screaming uncontrollably at the sight of some random dude dressed up as the Chick-Fil-A cow*
Erik: ALL I WANTED WAS SOME DANG FOOD! NOW EVERYBODY'S GOING INSANE!
Mary Frances: WHY ARE WE SCREAMING?
Intercom: Oh my God, help! I dink someone's bein' murdalized ouwt dere!
Me (to Intercom): …um, can I get waffle fries with that?
Erik: I AM NOT EATING ANYTHING HAVING RELATIONS WITH WAFFLES, DANGIT! *wraps his arms around my neck and attempts to choke me*
Me:*screams and tries to fight Erik's grip*
Christine:*still crying her eyes out*
Raoul:*still screaming his head off*
Mary Frances: *screaming her head off at Erik and hitting the crap out of him* ERIK, KNOCK IT OFF!
Intercom: A'right, everybody jus' calm down, I called da 911 peoples an' everythang will be fine, so jus' stay put, ya hear? Everythang's goin' ta be okay!
Me:OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! *speeds down drive thru to first window, throws money at cashier, and then pulls up at second window.*
Employee *hands me our huge order*: Thank you for choosing Chick-Fil-A, have a nice day!
We park and distribute the food and drinks.
Me (to Mary Frances): NEVER again…need I say more?
Mary Frances: Nope.
Raoul *examining his sandwich*: Ew, what are these round green things?
Everybody: Just pick them off!
Erik:*starts rolling his window down*
Me: What are you—*Erik quickly dumps his waffle fries outside and rolls the window back up*—HEY! I PAID MONEY FOR THOSE FRIES, YOU JERK!
Erik:*smiles innocently, all the while sneakily reaching for Christine's coke*
Mary Frances *sees him in the mirror*: AND DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!
Erik:*jumps and goes back to eating sandwich*
Christine:*glares and kicks him in the shin*
Erik: OW! Jeeze, what is it with you girls and nailing me in the shins?
We get back on the road after we finish lunch.
Raoul *for the bloody sixty-sixth time and counting*: …are we there yet?
Me *pulls into Lowes*: Yes!
Everybody: FINALLY!
We get out of the van and head into Lowes, receiving many odd stares. All the while, the trio stares around in amazement as we lead them to the paints.
Erik: So many colors!
Mary Frances: Go ahead and pick a few out.
Christine: What do you think of this one? *holds up a pretty purple tab*
Me: That's nice. I think it would look good against this blue.
Erik: Hey, fop, this would be the perfect color for you! *shows him a hot pink tab*
Raoul: Ooooh, I actually like it!
Mary Frances: FORGET IT! *snatches tab and puts it back* How about this one? *picks out a nice green*
Raoul: That's nice, too.
Erik: I like these ones! *shows me red and goldish-brown tabs*
Me: Oh those are fantastic! They're very…you.
Erik: Thank you!
We check out after gathering other painting supplies. Christine got light blue and purple, Raoul decided upon green and white, and Erik got red and goldish-brown.
Christine *while we load the car*: Well, that was fast!
Raoul: Yep, let's go home!
Me: Oh no, we still have plenty to shop for! Get in the car!
We drive for 5 minutes until we reach BB&B. We enter and, of course, everyone begins staring at us like a group of freaks…not that we looked like one or anything…
Trio: Whoa…
Me: Well, come on, grab a cart and let's get shopping!
They all get their own individual carts and rush to the first section, which happens to be furniture.
Mary Frances: Alright, you can each pick a bookcase and either a desk or vanity. And Erik, we need to find you a bed.
Christine:*wanders into dishware*
Raoul: *picks out desk and bookcase*
Erik: *also picks out desk, bookcase, two chairs, and coffee table*
Me (to Christine as she wanders back over to the group): What'd you find?
Christine *shows me box*: It's a little tea set. I think it'd be rather decorative.
Me: Cute! *turns back to Raoul and Erik, who are gleefully hopping around on one of the beds on display* What the heck, guys! Cut it out, people are staring!
Erik & Raoul *hang heads and get off bed*: Killjoy!
Erik *sees nice four-poster bed*: Oh hey, check it out, I found my bed! *sticks it in cart*
Christine:*picks out vanity, bookcase, two chairs, and a coffee table*
We move on to wall décor.
Erik: Perfect! Mirrors! *starts piling fancy mirrors into cart excitedly*
Christine & Raoul:*get a nice wall clock and a single mirror each*
We head into the next area: simple decorations.
Erik *sees endless shelves of candles*: Finally! A lifetime supply of candles for my new future lair! *dashes down the aisle and smells every single candle before tossing them into his cart*
Christine:*follows Erik and can't resist getting a couple of pretty wall sconces*
Mary Frances: Why don't you get some candles, too, Raoul?
Raoul *while examining old-fashioned alarm clock*: Have you seen those things? They're fire hazards! And besides, it would be such a tragedy if my hair accidently caught on fire!
Me: No kidding…
Christine *comes back*: I think we might as well move on, Erik's going to be occupied with those candles for a while…
Erik: *sniffing and dropping candles into cart* …and lavender, and sea breeze, and vanilla, and black raspberry, and fresh rain, and tropical palms, and fruit infusion, and tangerine—*stops, eyes widen, and immediately puts candle back*—and rose, and chocolate mint, and coffee—*stops again, but big smile crosses face…*
Meanwhile, Christine finds a large jewelry box.
Raoul: What are you going to use that for? You don't have any jewelry.
Christine: Not yet I don't, but I'm sure I'll collect some over time! Maybe you could assist me in that district… A true gentleman presents his lady with jewelry every now and then, you know!
Erik:*unexpectedly whizzes by with his candle-filled cart, laughing manically*
Me: Ah crap…
Mary Frances: …can you get high from smelling candles?
Me: Only if you're Erik.
We hurriedly follow Erik over to bedding, where he is once again jumping around and doing flips on one of the beds on display. This time, we let him calm down a bit while we help Christine and Raoul pick their bedding.
Mary Frances: Look, Christine, here's a white, eyelet daybed set!
Christine: YAY! PRETTINESS! *throws it into cart*
Me: Raoul, this would go very nicely with the colors in your room! *shows him a white and red striped bedding set*
Raoul: Indeed, it would! *puts it into cart before wandering off to the next section*
Erik *idly strolls up to us*: Okay, I'm good now…what are we looking at?
Me: Bedding sets. Go ahead and pick one out. *walks off with Christine*
Mary Frances: You heard her, select one and get on with it!
Erik: There is no rushing a selection when it comes to bedding, my dear!
Mary Frances: Fine, but quickly, please!
Erik *glances at me while observing different colors and patterns and styles*: Does she always dress like that when you guys go out?
Mary Frances: Yes, she likes to set herself apart from others and make an impression.
Erik: Ah…interesting. *finds a silky black bedding set* AHA! PERFECT!
They join us in the pillows isle.
Me: Hey! We're picking out some throw pillows.
Raoul: Allow me to demonstrate!*throws a pillow at Erik and it hits him in the face*
Erik: OH, you're dead now, stupid fop! *picks up pillow and chases Raoul around the aisle*
Christine: Hey, you can't call my husband names! *throws pillow at Erik, but misses and hits Mary Frances instead*
Mary Frances: Oh! You want some of this, girly-girl? *grabs pillow and joins pillow war*
Me: Must I always be the sane one? Alright, yo, let's move on before someone calls security!
We gather our selected pillows and head into the curtains area.
Christine: I think I should get sheer, white curtains to match my bedding.
Me: Yes, that will be very pretty, and it'll look very nice against your wall colors.
Mary Frances: Oh for the love of God and all that is good and holy!
Me: Oh come on, white goes very well with blue and purple!
Mary Frances: Not THAT! *points* THAT!
We all look down the aisle to see Erik, once again, attempting to punjab Raoul, but this time, with a tassel hanging off of some fancy curtains!
Me *groans*: Not again…
Raoul: THIS IS SERIOUSLY GETTING OLD, MAN! AND WE'RE OUT IN PUBLIC!
Erik: NOT TO ME, IT'S NOT! PUBLIC, SCHMUBLIC! YOU SHALL DIE AND—*sees us standing there, waves awkwardly, and then scurries off to find some curtains*
Raoul: I don't know how you guys do that…
Me: It's a gift.
Mary Frances: Yes, a gift; a gift you obviously don't possess.
Raoul: How do I obtain that gift?
Mary Frances*thinks for a moment*: Don't be RaFop de Changy.
Raoul: Well, I'm just glad I'm not Mary…uh…Mar…errr…
Mary Frances: Got nothin'?
Raoul:*hangs head in defeat*
Erik ends up finding some silky, black tieback curtains, complete with tassels. Raoul gets some simple red panels.
Raoul has wandered off again and we are checking out some of the pretty chandeliers with Christine when Erik approaches us with a frickin' grandfather clock and a ton of floor rugs…and a doormat with a fancy letter 'E' in the center.
Me: Really, Erik? A doormat?
Erik: It's professional looking… What are we viewing now?
Christine: Decorative chandeliers. *sticks one in cart*
Erik: Perfect! *evil grin* Let's make sure we get one for the fop, as well!
Mary Frances: As long as you don't try to drop it on him or anything!
Erik *'Busted!'*: …forget it…
Raoul casually joins the group and our eyes widen at the sight of his cart.
Everybody: Really, Raoul?
His cart is now overflowing with every hair care product imaginable!
Raoul: …what?
Me: And that is the conclusion to our first adventure! Once again, I apologize for its ridiculous length…
Erik: And thank you to our beloved phangirl, Vanessa Osbourne, for predicting/submitting your idea!
Me: Yes, thank you so much! And that reminds me, if any of you other phangirls have any adventure ideas, please feel free to share them! I'm open to anything! If you guys want to do a get-together or slumber party or something, let me know and I will make it happen!
Erik: Wait…you're not saying that…you're actually going to invite all of the phangirls out there…to our house…and have them stay the night…and torment me?
Me: Yes, of course! And they are not going to "torment" you, it'll be lots of fun, you'll see! And may I remind you, it's my room you're staying in tonight, so behave!
Erik: …are you going to kick me in the shins, by any chance?
Me: Uhhh…well, would you look at that, we're out of time! Hope you all enjoyed! Please leave a review! We love you all!