** For authors notes, disclaimer etc. see chapter 1
Conversations with other women 4/?
"So if not James has there been anyone?" Laura asked hating the way Jean seemed to want to look at anything in the room rather than her.
"There've been a couple of dates but to be honest it never goes further than one dinner or concert of whatever. It never feels right I don't think I've ready yet. No one I'm with seems to make me want to see them again no matter how nice they are." Jean replied hoping that the fact it was nothing to do with getting over the breakup of her marriage wasn't as obvious as she thought it was. She seemed to have spent more of the last two years comparing everyone she met to James Hathaway than she did actually looking at them for who they were and if she was honest she knew she'd spent too many years before that comparing her husband to him too. She'd never admit it, not to anyone, but the fact she'd admitted it to herself had been as much the reason she'd finally given up on her marriage as Chris's insistences had been.
"Is that because you're not over your husband or because you wish it was someone else you were having dinner and going to concerts with?" Laura smiled already knowing the answer as Jean's eyes snapped to hers and she saw a brief moment of panic before her friend's usual composure returned. The effects of the wine they'd drank where starting to chip at that composure though and she knew if she took it slowly she might be able to convince Jean that she was right about James and get her to admit to the feelings that were written all over her face right now.
"I was with the same man for over 20 years Laura and while I don't think for a second all of those years were wasted I made bad decisions toward the end and it's not easy to trust my own judgement or another man after that. I don't remember you having a lot of relationships in the last few years don't you get lonely? Waiting for Robbie to be ready is one thing but being lonely indefinitely surely is a completely different matter."
"You are better than anyone I've ever known at changing the subject." Laura laughed taking a deep breath as she laid her head back on the sofa cushions behind her and thought for a moment. It was becoming clear this was turning into an information trade off and it she wanted to talk Jean round she was going to have to be prepared to lay her own emotions just as much on the line. "Yeah there've been a few people but nothing serious. Something inevitably happens that means I'm drawn back to Robbie or I find I look at whoever I'm seeing comparing how I feel with them to how I feel when I'm with him. That's why I know that you're comparing people you meet with James even if you can't see that yourself yet. You can be honest with me Jean you know me well enough to know anything we say in this room stays in this room."
"What makes you think I'm not being honest with you?" Jean asked sighing at the fact there wasn't enough conviction in her words to convince even her let alone anyone else. "Ok look even if, and I'm not saying I have, but if I had thought about James in a romantic sense it would never happen. Whatever you say he would never be interested in me and even if he was it would be nothing more than some adolescent fantasy about screwing his boss."
"You don't believe that for a second!" Laura laughed "James Hathaway wasn't adolescent even when he was one I'd lay money on that. I don't care what you say or how much you protest you don't believe he has so little respect for you. I'm quite sure he'd thought about you and imagined making love yo you I'm not saying he's some sort of saint but it would never be anything as sordid as "screwing" his boss and I don't think you believe it would be either."
"Maybe."
"Maybe? Now are you going to be honest or are we going to talk ourselves round in circles until we're both too drunk to remember tonight?"
"Ok look maybe I don't think the problem is Richard but Laura I've never seen any hint of what you insist you see from James. Why would be look twice at me? You know as well as I do that he could click his fingers and have a dozen women a lot younger and more attractive than me lining up." Jean sighed, she never talk about these sorts of things with anyone. It was bad enough to admit how she felt about him but to then admit her own insecurities was taking her further out of the comfort zone than she ever wanted to be.
"God Jean take a look at yourself would you?" Laura sighed turning to face her friend frustration overtaking her as Jean shook her head. "You're beautiful, you're strong, caring, capable, loyal and you can floor a room full of men with a single look. Why wouldn't he look twice at you they all do."
Watching as Laura excused herself disappearing out of the room toward the bathroom Jean lifted the plates off the table and took them into the small kitchen the need to distract herself being more powerful than her usual shyness about being so over familiar in someone else's home. For years she'd managed to convince herself that there would never be anything between her and James. She'd gotten to the stage where she accepted that she would always pine after him and had learnt to live with it. Now though she felt like Laura had opened a can of worms, worms which were wriggling about turning her carefully controlled emotions upside down.
"Jean why are you washing dishes there's a dishwasher right beside you." Laura asked a few minutes later as she stood by the kitchen door watching Jean fill the sink with soapy water.
"It'll only take a minute to wash up I was just…"
"You were just avoiding the discussion again. Why don't you take a chance. Why would you rather be unhappy without him than take a chance on being happy with him?
"Because I'm still not convinced he shares my feelings and I'm not risking the whole dynamic of the office, not to mention my career on a whim. OK I have feelings for him and yes I wish there could be more between us and yes he's the reason that I've not been able to have anything resembling a relationship in the last two years. Is that what you want me to say? When it comes down to it though what I feel is irrelevant if it's completely one-sided." Jean sighed abandoning the dishes and leaning back against the counter folding her arms tightly across her chest as she curded herself for having drank too much and not being able to just leave without the hassle of having to wait for a taxi.
"If he felt nothing for you would he be on his way here right now? Would be have dropped everything at almost midnight to come and get you just because I called him and told him you needed him to take you home?" Laura asked feeling a mixture of satisfaction and nervousness as Jean's mouth fell open in shock. She'd not planned on telling her friend that he was on his way until the door knocked and it was too late to do anything about it. Listening to her say she would settle for being unhappy without him because she couldn't see how much he cared had been the final straw though and now she was questioning the wisdom of letting the fact she was slightly drunk and thought it was a good idea overrule her common sense.
"Laura tell me you're joking! Why did you call him? I don't need him I…"
"You need him right now more than you need anything or anyone else if I have to prove how much he cares about you by calling and getting him out of bed to pick you up then so be it."
"He'll think I've gone mad not only have I had way too much to drink but there's a dozen taxi firms in Oxford he'll…"
"I told him I didn't tell you I was calling him. I told him you needed a lit home and I told him that he needed to think about stopping being such a coward and telling you he loves you."
"Oh god this just gets worse and worse. I'm surprised he didn't tell you to bugger off! Seriously Laura…."
"He's here." Laura interrupted grabbing Jean's coat and bag from the sofa and handing them to her. "He didn't tell me to bugger off he said he'd be here in ten minutes and here he is so go and when you get into the car talk to him or at least listen to what he has to say."
"Laura Hobson I swear I'll make you pay for this!" Jean muttered not sure what was going to happen in the next few minutes but resigning herself to it and the fact that she could always claim drink related amnesia about the drive to her home if need be.
"Yeah, yeah you can make my life hell with Robbie after the weekend for now just go he's waiting!" Laura replied opening the door and watching as Jean walked to the end of the drive and slipped into the passenger seat of James's car.
Closing the door and leaning back against it she bit gently on her bottom lip before lifting the phone off the hall table and hitting one of the speed dial buttons.
"Robbie it's me." She said when it was answered after only two rings "Are you busy? Is there any chance you could call round? I've done something either really, really smart or off the scale stupid and I'm not sure which yet."
Hanging up again after he'd promised he was on his way she finished clearing up the takeaway cartons and empty wine bottles trying not to think about what would be happening rght now on the drive to Jean's.