Landing the small ship on the sandy ground he got out, and taking a quick look around, felt the memories rush back to him. He had buried his mother here, in the sands of Tattoonie, and he had met her here, for the first time.
"are you an angel?" the memory flashed back to him, hurting his head. He shook it out, he had to look for Obi Wan, his new master had sensed the Jedi's presence here. He felt it too, but didn't move from where he stood the middle of nothing, surrounded by miles and miles of sandy ground.
"They're like animals, and I slaughtered them like animals! I HATE THEM!" the memory came rushing back, moments later, her arms had been comforting him, stroking the back of his head. He shook the memories out, again, he wasn't aloud to think of her. He took a step forward, looking for a sign of anything Jedi, but even the word caused a memory.
"well maybe I don't want to be a Jedi anymore!" he said, standing against the balcony, wet from the heavy rain that had just stopped.
"Anakin! You've always wanted to be a Jedi, I won't let you give that up, just for me!" she replied, in disbelief, angry at him. "don't give up your dreams!" she said, coming to him. He embraced her in a tight hug.
"I love you" she whispered and he nodded.
"Padme" he pulled her away, to look at her, both of his hands on her shoulders, although one was metal, he held her tightly, looking deep into her eyes. "I wanted to be free for years and then I wished to be a Jedi! But Padme, I've loved you more than that, and I wouldn't miss being a Jedi, if we could just be together, if we could just see each other more, everyday, Padme, I need to be with you, I'd die without you! And if I had to choose, I would choose you over being a Jedi any day!" he finished, looking into her eyes for a trace of happiness, agreement, but he only found reason.
"Anakin, we can't, we both know it, you're not even a Jedi yet and I'm a senator, we either end this or we continue to keep it a secret, choose that Anakin" She left him there, to think on his thoughts, left him in utter misery and he had stormed out after that, mad.
The next day he had returned to see her beaming with love, happy that he had chosen her, but of coarse he would choose her, he couldn't get enough of her.
"Lord Vader?" the command general behind him asked. He turned to face the man, older than him by many years, but the piece of Anakin Skywalker still in Darth Vader, saw the command general as a man who had never felt love, never been loved and had forever lived under the rule of someone else.
"Yes?" he asked, annoyed at himself more than anything else.
"Is something wrong?" And although he wanted to scream out that there wasn't, because he knew that something was waiting for him in the shadows of Tatooine, and not just a Jedi, but something he couldn't sense, something more substantial than memories and he had to find it.
"Yes" he replied, turning back to the ship.
"Lord Vader, are we not searching for the Jedi?" the command general asked and he turned to him sharply.
"There is no Jedi here, trust my judgement, there is nothing for us here" nothing but pain and memories, he thought to himself, walking up to the ship, with the general following him. As the ship roared to life and soared into the sky, he knew that he was leaving Tatooine, never to return again, even though he felt the presence of a Jedi and a piece of Padme lurking there.
Vader stepped into the command deck; his master was sitting in the large chair at the front, looking out the window at his galactic empire.
"What did you find?" he asked his apprentice, without even turning.
"Only pain and memories, master" Darth Vader replied wearily, tired from looking for Jedi, tired of hating himself and tired of missing her. Yet, why should he be so upset? The Jedi had betrayed him, they had deserved to die, he was more powerful than any of them! And somehow, she held him back, made him unable to think or look for the treasonous Jedi. "Stop! Stop now; come back... I love you!" He heard her voice in his head, shouting at him, and in a second, his mind was wandering. He was no longer with the emperor, but standing in Mustafar, hearing Padme's last words. The memory played like film in his head, moments later, Obi Wan had emerged from the ship and he had strangled her.
"NO!" he screamed! Screamed at himself, making the emperor jump. The memory deconstructed and he was back with his Master.
"What is the matter, Lord Vader?" his master asked, turning in the chair to face him.
"Don't make me do it! I cannot go back to Coruscant or Naboo or Mustafar, even if the Jedi are there" He spat at his master, for once since his pledge, he was defying his master's wishes, disregarding a direct command.
Darth Sidious looked taken aback and racked his brain for a response, something to say.
"Did you search Tatooine?" He asked, harshly, already guessing the answer.
"No Master, I could not" Darth Vader replied bitterly.
"And you refuse to search the planets where you know Obi Wan is likely to go, because of your past?" Sidious pressed his young apprentice, growing angry.
"I DON'T WANT TO LIVE!" Darth Vader shouted and the room shook. Sidious smiled at his apprentice's power, trying to think of something encouraging to say, but found nothing.
"My apprentice, you just need time, soon you'll be able, and we shall find Obi Wan and kill him" Sidious assured.
"NO!" Vader screamed back. "I don't want time; I don't want to be able. I WANT HER ALIVE! YOU PROMISED ME!" Tears of hate filled his eyes and he pulled his lightsaber out and ignited it.
"Don't be a fool!" Sidious shouted, laughing harshly. "You cannot fight me!"
"You're right" Vader responded calmly. "But I do not fear death! I have nothing to live for, the one I love is gone, I have become a monster. I am a machine! I should end it all, right now" and moving out of the battle stance, he moved the lightsaber so that it pointed to his own heart.
"NO!" Sidious screamed; scared for the first time once the conversation began."NO! I tired to save her! We both did, it was the Jedi who killed her!" Sidious cried, for fear of losing his apprentice. He got out of his chair and walked forward to Vader.
"Put the saber away, NOW!" he hollered and the stream of red disappeared as the arm of the one holding it fell to his side, but Vader made no effort to put it back. A smile sprang to Sidious' lips and he began to again poison the mind of his apprentice.
"You need time. You want revenge, Obi Wan betrayed you, she betrayed you, and you never needed either of them. She loved you, yes, but she betrayed you and Obi Wan left you to die!" He circled his apprentice, waiting for a sign of anger or sorrow from the masked figure.
"she would never betray me. How dare you say that I didn't need her! You've never felt love, you are cold and dark master, and I will never be like you!" he spat back, releasing the lightsaber in his hand, it clunked to the floor and Anakin Skywalker turned his back on his master, walking briskly to his room to be with memories of her.
It had felt like a dream, he couldn't even imagine it, didn't remember why he had said it, but he had, hadn't he? He had defied his master. He felt ill, there was nothing left but the old man, the man who had always been there for him, always known him and told him to be patient told him he was the greatest Jedi. Had he always known? Had he known that his mother would die and then his wife? Anakin shook the thoughts out his head, no, there was no way that was the case, it was just by chance that Anakin had become a Sith, just a chain of events that happened. He sighed, he knew he needed to go see his master again, apologize, for what else as there to do? Obi Wan had betrayed him, Padme was dead, and he had nothing, no one but Darth Sidious.
Darth Sidious sat in his own room, thinking, wondering what his apprentice needed, he needed to forget her! But how? How was he supposed to do that? He figured the worst of it would be over, that he had an apprentice and that was it. There could not possibly be good in Darth Vader, could there? Did the boy just need time? Encouragement? Padme? He searched his mind, no, there was no way he could bring her back and even if there was a way, would he risk it? He could lose his apprentice. He sighed and he really didn't know how his apprentice felt, it was true, he had never really felt love at all, but he was in love with his empire. He didn't want to lose it, just as Anakin hadn't wanted to lose her. He decided to let his apprentice come to him, when the boy was ready.
Tired of waiting and sensing something was wrong, after 3 long days of not seeing the apprentice, he called on a general to fetch him, sensing he could not allow more time for sorrow and love.
The general entered Darth Vader's room, only to find him gone, as they searched the ship, they found that he had left! Palpatine hissed in anger, sending generals across the galaxy to find his apprentice. He couldn't bear it! The days passed into weeks and soon it had been 3 weeks without a sign of his apprentice. Sidious grew angrier with every passing moment.
"He is not on Mustafar" one of the generals announced one day.
"Of course he isn't! That's where she died! He wouldn't go back to Tatooine, Naboo, or the capital either, so don't search there. " Palpatine hissed, madly
"Yes sir, we shall call back our forces from those planets" and the general left the room. Palpatine only had a few moments to himself, before another general entered.
"We found him sir" the general said and a smile spread across Palpatine's lips, finally, he would have him back.
He lay on the bed, half asleep, half awake, tears still hung on his cheeks from when he had cried earlier. He could smell her, remember her, see her laughing and it filled him with agony. He clutched the pillow to his mask like face and breathed it in. The vision came flashing back to him and he made no effort to stop it. He had been a fool to leave his master, he knew it, but he needed this.
"I need to go!" he said as she giggled and pulled him back on the sheets.
"But ani-" she sighed becoming serious "oh alright" she let him go and he resumed buttoning up his shirt. She wrapped her arms around his waist and kissed his neck.
"I'll miss you" she whispered and he wished he could stay, wished he didn't have to go back to Obi Wan.
"Padme, don't do this, you know I'll just stay and then get in trouble. I have no will power when it comes to you" he said, although he didn't want her to listen, he just wanted to hold her, against the silk sheets, and look at her forever. He turned to her and kissed her gently, and then turned back again.
"I know" she let him go again and watched as he scanned the room for his other shoe. He put his metallic hand under the bed and found it.
In moments, he was all ready to go, but he wished he wasn't.
"I'll see you later" she said, standing up to say goodbye to him. He opened his arms and she came into his hug. They stood like that for moments, thinking of each other. They pulled away.
"See you later, Mrs. Skywalker" he said and as she giggled, he took her into a strong kiss.
It had been only months after they married. He took in the smell of the silk sheets again and sighed, it was unfair! He shouldn't miss her this much, would he ever be able to do anything? Everything he tried to do, filled him with thoughts of her. "Oh, Padme" he whispered to her room, her home, her presence. He wondered where she had been buried and thought for a moment that he could find Obi Wan and ask him and then with stunning clarity he remembered what he was, a machine, a Sith and a widow. Tears again filled his eyes but they didn't fall, he wouldn't let them, he needed to forget her, he knew he had to, or else he would live in suffering forever. He looked up from the pillow to see the vague and blurry outline of a frame on the bedside table, he blinked the tears away and the picture became clear. It was a picture of them. He remembered when they had taken that.
"Alright, hold still" C3PO called, steadying the camera as he stood a metre away with R2 behind him. Padme sat in Anakin's lap and he sat on the grass, his normal hand on her waist. He picked a piece of grass with his other hand and tickled her hand with it.
"Anakin!" she laughed, turning to him, he smiled, and the camera flashed as she leaned in to kiss him.
"Oh, shall I take another one?" C3PO asked the lip locked lovers and Anakin pulled away to speak.
"Yes, another one, we'll stay still this time" and he looked into Padme's eyes, full of tears.
"What's wrong?" he asked suddenly and she waved the question away.
"It seems the camera is out of film" C3PO said matter-of-factly and Padme laughed.
"Oh, dear, I hope no one ever finds that picture" she said and he laughed back.
"Why are you crying, what's wrong?" he asked, not wanting to go away from the subject.
"they're tears of joy Ani, I missed you so much" he smiled at her comment, for he knew it was the truth.
" I missed you too" And C3PO walked away with R2 whistling behind, while the couple kissed and laughed, rolling and tickling each other in the grass.
He sat up and snatched the picture. He opened the frame in the back and took out the picture, years old. She had scribbled something on the back.
"Me and Ani, our first anniversary" his eyes filled with tears. It had been their anniversary? Why hadn't she told him? And then he knew why, she didn't want him to come unless he was able, she wanted him to come when he was free, not when it was the occasion. He hadn't even given her a gift, but then again, neither had she given him one. He smiled at the photo of her, looking into his eyes deeply. He left the frame faced down, empty on her table and stowed the picture in his sleeve, for he found no pockets on his clothing. He would keep the picture in his room, once he returned to his master. He stood, finally getting up from the bed for that day. He had slept there, sat there, thought there and he had only left the bed to eat in the nearby kitchen, with difficulty due to his mask. Now he came to her closet and opened it, childhood clothes hung there, pink frilly dresses big enough for an 8 year old. She had probably moved everything else to the capital. A box at the bottom of the closet caught his attention and he opened it, to find letters. He picked one up and examined it, it was her writing and it was addressed to him. He read the letter, eyes filling with tears.
Dear Anakin,
I haven't seen you for weeks, I need to see you, Naboo is so lonely without you. I probably wont ever send this letter, I don't know where you are. I hope you are not in danger, but I know you can take care of yourself, my Jedi.
Be safe.
Love, Padme
He read letter after letter, searching through the piles. It seemed she had written a lot, but never sent one, there were dozens of them. When he had finally read all of them, he found a small leather bound book at the bottom of the box. He picked it up and examined it. Opening it, he read the first line out to himself.
"This is truly torture."
I met Anakin today, I wrote years ago about him, in my other journal, I had meet him on Tatooine, I always thought he was a smart little boy, but now it's unfair. It's not good at all, he's so handsome! I can't even stand it! He's outside the room right now. I think he tried to compliment me; I was trying to hard not to blush. I know I shouldn't act rash, but this is not what I need, I can't even stand to be in the same room as him, I feel as if I'm dying. Is this love? Does he feel the same way? No, I'm driving myself insane.
I can't feel this way! Oh, he had the most beautiful eyes! And his smile, oh, I think I could melt in his smile. But I won't! I will act calm and if he ever asks, although I think I'm in love, I will answer that I am not. This will never work. I don't even know what I'm saying. He doesn't even love me. And I'm not in love! I just can't stop thinking about him I'm silly to ever think of a Jedi and Senetor being together. And although I think I wish we were, we wont ever be together, this is not love! Is it?
Tears were falling from his eyes now, tears of happiness, joy and love but he also felt horrible, that she had been in such pain. He had never known, he had remembered that day, he thought that she had hardly recognised him, when she had been falling for him.
He imagined that is he had found this years ago, he would have teased her.
"Melt in my smile, huh?" he would joke and she would reply.
"Anakin, stop" and then he would kiss her. He turned his attention away from the silly hallucination back to the diary.
He read more of the pages, they were all like this one, all about him, about her denying her love and then one caught his eye in particular.
I am such a fool. Anakin kissed me today. It was the best thing that has ever happened to me, I think I just got swept up into it. It was so amazing, I couldn't stop myself, I know I had told myself to not fall in love, but it was truly wonderful. I've never been kissed like THAT before. Oh, part of me wishes that I hadn't pulled away, that I had just kissed him for eternity, but I didn't, I pulled away, and said something silly I'm sure. "I shouldn't do that" or something like that, but I wanted to. I know I pulled away, why did he kiss me? Why did he stroke my back? No, I can't do this to myself. This is not right, I should not want to feel this way. I shouldn't want to go into his room right now and apologize, just be swept up kissing him again, just hold him again. I doubt he will ever know that I love him. This is torture, oh, how I wish he were kissing me again.
His tears had vanished and a smile hung on his lips, he had remembered that kiss, it had haunted him, he flipped through the following pages to find entries about the republic, one about the picnic they had, how scared she had been when he had fallen off that strange creature. And then the rest didn't mention him, He thought for a moment that he should take the book, but then decided against it. She had never meant for him to have it, he wondered what she would say, were she there right now. Probably that she had been scared and knew they couldn't be together. He looked around himself, the letters lay, in a semi-circle, surrounding him. Putting the book back first, he placed all of the contents back in the box and then returned it to it's place in the closet. He closed the closet and fell, with his back against it, crying, feeling ill and hopeless.
The wreck of the man, wanted to die. He wished he hadn't left his lightsaber with his master, wished he could just kill himself. He closed his eyes and a vision, but not a memory of her appeared before him.
"What are you doing Anakin?" she asked, she was wearing her wedding dress.
" I Don't know" he replied to the air.
"She's right Anakin" Obi Wan appeared before him. "You shouldn't mope around"
"I know, master" He replied.
"Come on, Anakin, get up" she said and he stood, clouded by the visions in front of him.
"I know you are still in there" she said and he nodded. A vision of himself now appeared before him, the vision Anakin was perfect, even the metallic hand was gone. No mask, no hate. The Padme and perfect Anakin, without a scar, before him came together and held each other.
"Anakin, I know you can do this, If I had to, I would be able to live without you, don't take the easy way out, but never forget me" again, he nodded.
"But I'm a sith!" he cried out, tears choking him, "you'd hate what I have become"
"That is true" Obi Wan interceded "but, there is still good in you Anakin"
"Ani, I love you and we will be together one day, just promise that you will never forget me" She whispered
"I promise, I love you" he said and as he slumped back down against the closet into violent sobs, his visions disappeared. He took the picture out from his sleeve and looked at it, tracing a finger over the outline of her hair and her smile.
"I'm a broken man, but I will never forget you Padme, we will be together, someday" he cried out to the room and the memories of her, his tears still falling heavily.