I seem to be having issues with writing, lately. So everything is getting updated a lot later than I wish it would, but nothing you can do.
Especially when your chapter you write gets erased half way through and you lose the will to write on.
Cause, you know- that shit sucks.
Anyway, new chapter enjoy it.
"Wait, aren't you the rower? I love your album!" "Kid, now is most certainly not the time to fangirl about some one hit wonder." "Speak for yourself- and wait a damn minute! It wasn't a one hit wonder! He's had lots of great hits!" "Yeah, on the HEAD." Tsunade snorted as our boat rowed to the shore of Nami no Kuni, along with a few add ons as well.
"Okay, I get Obito, he's their Sensei- but why did we bring along your other apprentice, and this guy-" "YOUTH!" "- as well?" "Same reason you brought along your little poppet, as well." "OI! The kid is not my- wait, how'd you know it was a girl?" "Are you telling me you didn't?" "Hey, not all women have your hooters to differentiate them from the opposite sex!" "I could have 'hooters' installed if you truly wished for it, Setsumei-Sama." "... You could do that?" "Yes." "NO!" "No?" "YES!" "No?" "YES- I mean no!" "Sooooo- yes?" "NO!" "YOUTH!" "GAI!" "Obito." "Obito?" "SHIZUNE!" "Hai, Tsunade-Sama?" "GET THEM ALL TO SHUT THE HELL UP!"
"Don't bother, we're here anyway… Thank Kami-" "WOO! New village, new women to whore myself out to!" "Not if I have anything to say about it!" "Haha, silly Naruko- of course you don't have any say in it!" Turning away from the boat as it started to row back again, I was greeted by a steaming(And pouting-) Naruko as she fumed about my job. 'Must you always be a man whore?" "Must? Yes. Want? Yes. Need? Hell no, but it pisses you off, so I do it anyway." "Oh come on, Sensei! What will people think once I marry you and become Kage? I can't just be known for having a sex fiend as a lover!" "Ah, but infamy is still famy, I always say." "One, you never say that, and two, that makes no sense-" "I believe it makes sense, flat ass." Naruko's hawk like vision zeroed in on my newest addition to the team.
Oh boy(Girl, whatever-), she is dead.
"Setsumei-Sensei, who is this?" "Well, that would be-" "I am Sai, Setsumei-Sama's new, how would he put it- bitch, flat ass."
Okay, now I'm dead, too.
"Flat ass?! I do not have a flat ass! And like you're one to talk, you flat chested hussie!" "All the better to not be a large breasted, blonde bimbo like yourself, flat ass." Ouch- kitty got claws. "I am not a bimbo!" Naruko looked distinctly offended as she put a hand over her heart. "Setsumei-Sensei, tell her!" I sighed. "Sai, Naruko isn't a bimbo." "Thank y-" "She's a klutz, get it right." "Hai, Setsumei-Sama." "SENSEI?!" "What?" I shrugged. "It's true." "So even Setsumei-Sama agrees with me, oh my." "Uh, I didn't exactly say tha-" "OKAY, THAT'S IT! YOU ARE DEAD!" Rolling up her sleeves, she marched forward, red faced, pissed off, and ready to clock the shit out of a bitch(Oh damn it, I'm just confirming what Sai said!). But before she could reach her, I held out a hand and stopped her march. "Ease up, Naruko. You can kick her shit into next Tuesday in person, after you show us the way." The clone just crossed it's arms and huffed. "I don't need to be boss to kick the hell out of some random hussies ass." "Yes, because I doubt you'd be able to beat me, even without being a clone." "WHY YOU-" "Naruko! House, now!" "Hai, Sensei…" She dipped her head with a depressed aura and slowly made her way down the path.
I turned to the others(Who either looked remotely uncomfortable, or were trying to hold off laughing their asses off.) and sighed. "See the shit I must put up with?" "Oh yeah, having two girls pine after you, soooooooo hard!" Obito grinned and walked passed me to follow his student out. "Yosh! Your red hot youth and the youth you fill these children with is fantastic!" "Gai, please don't word it like that." "But, Setsumei, brother of my eternal rival! It is glorious the amounts of Youth you rub off onto these kids is astounding!" "Gai-" "Your Youth is STRONG! And HARD! No one can break your Youth, no matter how many times they try!" "What are you doing-" "It is like you have an endless amount of Youth, and it just SPURTS out of you onto others without you even noticing!" "Gai-" "You must just fill them to the BRIM with your YOUTH!" "Please, stop-" "I must not be outdone by the brother of my long lost eternal rival! I must gush out my own YOUTH onto the children so that I may be as young and hip as you! And maybe one day, we can clash our YOUTHS like me and your brother used to!" Ew, ew, EW, mental image!
And with that, Gai was off.
"Well." "Yep." "That was vaguely… Uncomfortable."
Something is just telling me Obito was slipping that damn green beast a fifty right now-
"I can only take so much in one day- and being around you has used up that quota at least twenty times." Tsunade sighed and walked passed me while Shizune stiffly followed after her and stop before me. "Typical man- pervert." And then kneed me in the groin. "Ouch!" My voice was high pitched as Shizune 'Hmphed' and ran to catch up to her master while I knelt down on the gravel near the shore, clutching my jewels in pain.
"Never took Shizune as the feminist type…"
You learn something new everyday.
Like how grovel isn't nearly as soft as you'd imagined it would be.
"Okay, might not be whoring myself out as early as I thought I would be." I caught back up with the others and adjusted mini-me in my pants. "Good." Okay, I get enough of that from Naruko, and now I have ANOTHER one to worry about, too!
My anal virginity will never be safe…
"So, what's the situation in the village like, Naruko? I heard it's fairly terrible around these parts." "Well, you heard right. The village is in shambles because Gato- the guy who hired ninja to kill our client- is ruling over them with an iron fist." "Sounds tyrannical." "Sounds dangerous." "Sounds like a Friday night- uh, what?" Weird, I thought everyone took over villages to rule over every other week.
No? Just me?
"Anyway, I heard from Pakkun that you had a run in with some ninja that Gato hired, you and the others alright?" "Yup! Thanks to the boss, everyone made it out okay!" "Naruko…" "Okay, fine. The birthgiver and Teme helped out as well- but only a tiny bit!" "Birth… Giver?" "Naruko's name for Kushina." Before they had the time to question why, I moved on. "I also heard that Kushina got injured, how bad is it?" "Eh. I'm not really a med-nin like you, but from what little you taught me, she should be up and about by the time Zabuza's reinforcements arrive." "Hm. Of course." I glanced over at Tsunade, then switched my attention back to Naruko. "Right. From what I've gathered, we're going to need every able bodied person on this mission, as while all our focus will be on taking on the swordsmen of the mist, you Genin will be handling the client's safety- uh, Tasty, or whatever his name is." "Tazuna." "Yeah, whatever. And to make sure you ARE prepared to go against one of the mist swordsmen, I will be putting you under an extreme training regime that will last all week."
"Woah, woah, woah- you want one of my greenhorn GENIN to face off against one of the swordsmen of the MIST? Are you loco?! They'll be chopped to pieces in a matter of seconds!" "No, I don't want one of your Genin to face off against blah blah blah- but you have to face facts that it might really be a reality, and we need to train them just in case we all have our hands full and they have to hold some off until we can get to them."
Or until Naruko kicks their ass- one or the other, really depends on which ninja it is.
Speaking of which, though- what kind of ninja uses half the swords those bozo's use to fight with?
Most of them weigh more than me, and at least two are bigger than I am tall!
And one of them is made of SHARK SCALES that resonates whenever it finds a tasty food source!
Who did they think they were, Buster Blader?!
Ignoring that little tid bit for now, we all stopped as we finally arrived at the house. "Alright, pop so that the real Naruko know's we're here, and so she knows, remember to come out and show me where Kushina is so that I can look at her." Doing as told, the clone popped as I felt a glare aimed at the back of my head. "Who is- oh dear god, what is it now?" "Why do YOU- a MAN- have to look at our injured comrade? Do you not think that I or Tsunade- WOMEN- can look at her and have do just as good a job, or an even BETTER one? Huh? HUH?!" I blankly gazed at her before turning to Tsunade. "Cute kid you raised, there. Did you pick her up at Nadeshiko?" She sighed. "No. I just let her watch one too many pervert beatings in hot springs."
I caught another foot right between the thighs.
Again.
"Nnnn! Just one?' "Around the ballpark of one and one hundred, yeah."
Damn you, Jiraiya!
"Sensei!" Naruko came crashing through the door at high speeds, basically being a blur as she launched towards us. "Naruko!" Obito laughed and spread out his arms, prepared to catch her, but was sorely disappointed as she passed him up to throw herself onto me. "I missed you sooooooo much!" "Well." I looked over at the frozen Obito who was still smiling with his arms spread wide, and eyes closed. "This is awkward."
On sooooooooo many levels.
"Now, where is your moth-" "Birth giver." "Your mother-" "Birth giver." "God damn it kid, just show me where your damn mommy is so I can be on with my life!" "Birth giver." "GOD DAMN IT!" "Yeah, I should have also mentioned that she will not listen to what you say if you call Kushina her 'Mother'- only replies if you call her birth giver." "JUST SHOW ME WHERE THE DAMN PERSON WHO GAVE BIRTH TO YOU IS, GAKI!" "Oooooooooooh, you mean KUSHINA- yeah, she's in the room at the top of the stairs. First one on the right." Grumbling under her breath, something that suspiciously sounded like 'Foot in ass', Tsunade stormed off with her apprentice into the house. "Okay, while she's doing that, go get your other teammates so that we can talk about what we'll be doing for the foreseeable future." "Hai, Sensei!" Naruko saluted and leapt off into the forest to find the other Genin on her team.
Awkward silence in three… Two… One…
"Well, awkwardness aside, what ARE we going to be doing for the next week or so it will take for Zabuza to gather up his crew?" Obito asked as him, Gai, and me all started to plan out our next few days.
Wait, now that I think about it, where the hell did Sai go-
"SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU FLAT-CHESTED WHORE!" "I know what you are, but why is it a blonde bimbo klutz with a flat-ass?" "GGGGGGRAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
That's one question answered, at least…
"Okay! We're all gathered together finally!" Clasping my hands, I rubbed them as we all stood out in a forest clearing preparing for the inevitable fight against some of the best swordsmen in the land(Not like it matters when we have the BEST one in the lands on our side(And no, it isn't Kushina, you impudent little shits.).) by training. "And now that we are, let us begin with-" I paused and looked down.
"Who the hell are you?"
"Uh, Setsumei-Sensei, that's Sakura." I kept looking at the now sweating girl. "My teammate." I glanced over at a bored looking Uchiha child. "The one with pink hair." My stare continued. "The annoying one." I looked at a fake smiling, pale Kunoichi. "Oh for- the FANGIRL!" I snapped my fingers. "Riiiiight- THAT one." Said girl slouched with a raincloud over her head. "Now, where was I? Oh yeah! Training!" At the word, everyone BUT said fangirl perked up(Surprise, surprise.) and started paying more attention to what was being said. "Look, I'm not gonna lie to you or sugar coat this; there is about an 87.20 percent chance that you girls will be facing off against an honest to god Swordsmen of the Mist. And considering that even the weakest member is considered an extremely powerful B-Rank Shinobi in the Bingo Book, this is bad- yes, Naruko, it is bad!" She put her hand down and pouted. "I won't say that you won't die- mostly because I don't think a lie is the last thing any of you will want to hear." "Setsumei!" "What? The mood here is deathly boring, I thought I'd try to lighten it." "Not. Funny."
Everybody's a critic…
"Whatever. Anyway, to make sure you have at least a tiny bit of a smidgen of luck to somehow survive, we decided that instead of team training, you all need some individual work- cause, you know. One-on-one training yields better results faster, and all that junk." I waved a hand. "So, considering there are four of us, and four of you- don't think you're getting out of this that easily, Sai- it only makes sense that we would come to this conclusion. And now, we get to figure out who's going where!" I grinned evilly and rubbed my hands together methodically.
This was going to be fun.
"Wait, isn't it obvious who's going where?" Naruko scratched her head quizzically. "I mean, I'm obviously going with you, Teme is obviously going with Uchiha-Sensei, Sakura has a knack for chakra control so she'd obviously go with the most experienced medic-nin here, and Sai's a bitch so she'd obviously go with Gai-Sensei."
It's so sad that training with Gai is considered a hellish punishment to Genin, these days.
Though I do give her bonus points for the backhanded compliment to Tsunade, though.
"Yes, that's obvious- so obvious, that we're going to switch things up to be NOT obvious." While everyone looked confused, I flicked four pieces of paper at the four Genin(Three caught them, and the other hastily hit the deck so that she wouldn't get slaughtered with a massive paper-cut… Guess who.). "Naruko, I know yours already, but for everyone else, just roll with it- those you have in your hands, are chakra paper. They will tell you the affinities your chakra has, and what jutsu you are best fit to use, and blah blah blah, just channel your dang chakra through the damn things." The kids did as told, and Naruko's split in half before one half burnt to a crisp and the other rolled into itself better than any stoner could get it to.
Not surprising, considering I already knew hers, so I watched the others instead.
Sakura's(Surprisingly, actually.) became damp and the edges started to turn to dust, while Sasuke's paper actually started burning and becoming ash while simultaneously crumpling in on itself, showing that her affinities were equally as strong, and Sai's… Kind of disappointed me, as it only turned to dust and flew away with the wind.
Though, that was actually kind of impressive in itself because it didn't even take a second to turn the entire paper to dust- and that dust was finely grafted, too, to boot.
"Okay, for those of you who don't know what that means: Naruko has a strong Wind affinity, with an only slightly weaker one with both Fire and Lightning, with Sakura having a slight affinity to Earth to go with her major Water affinity, while Sasuke has a strong affinity for Lightning and Fire, with neither actually seeming to be weaker than the other. Sai… Only has one for Earth, but I have to begrudgingly admit, that it is one of the strongest for that element I have ever seen."
In this life, at least.
I don't think Sai could create a giant wooden tree that throws patnies at me like Kol, could.
Though, speaking of Kol, he used to share the same name with the first Hokage, if I recall correctly… Though, I can't seem to recall my own birthday after that one Christmas party, so maybe I don't remember correctly.
Damn, that was one massive keg of eggnog.
"Sensei!" "Huh, what?" Shaking my head, I returned to reality. "Right, right. Training- okay, here's how it will go. Sakura, you have no discernable skills whatsoever." "True." Naruko nodded while Sakura winced. "You have no muscle at all, either, as you are about a 13 year old girl who has dieted about half her life, and has done no training outside of the Academy at all." "True." Sasuke nodded while Sakura flinched this time. "And you have no ass, nor do you have any boobs, as a 7 year old boy has bigger jugs than you- let's face it, at this point, you are more trap than girl." "True." Sai continued fake smiling while nodding, and Sakura was just withdrawn into her shirt at this point, poking her chest with a finger. "So it goes without saying that you need the most work of anyone here. And because of that, we're giving you the teacher that will get you results fastest- Gai." Sakura's eyes widened as she slowly turned from her position, only to be face-to-face with a grinning Gai. "Yosh! Do not worry, my little petal, for I, Gai Mighto, will have you in tip-top shape in no time!" Sakura twitched. "Otherwise, I will run around the village on my hands, declaring my incompetency for training you to the entire village!" She whimpered this time. "While NUDE!"
Pretty sure I heard a sob.
"... Moving on, Naruko, I work with you basically every day, so I know what you need to work on to improve." She nodded happily. "That being said, though, I work with you so much, that I am literally running out of things to teach you. So, I won't be teaching you-" I pointed at Tsunade. "But SHE will."
"WHAT?!" "Excuse me?"
"Yep. Tsunade-" I nodded towards her. "Is possibly the best person in the world currently when it comes to chakra control and Iryō jutsu- the things YOU still need to work on the most." "I don't need that old hag to learn how to better control my chakra!" "Who are you calling old, you little shit?!" "Uh, YOU, obviously!" "Oh, I am going to enjoy wringing out your tiny little-" "ENOUGH!" They both stopped arguing and looked over to me. "Naruko, you know you need help with chakra control, because you can barely use the most basic of Iryō techniques- and don't get me started on Genjutsu!" She just turned and pouted. "And Tsunade, you know you have to help us teach, and Naruko is the next best student for you after Sakura, and considering she's unavailable-" "Yosh!" "-You have to help teach Naruko. And before you say anything, she really IS a good student once you set her on a task, and she is fast on the uptake, so you don't have to put in nearly as much effort as you think you would with her." Tsunade just grumbled and crossed her arms. "Plus she knows that if she misbehaves and you tell me, I'm going to make her life hell." Said girl just snorted. "Yeah, good luck with that-" "You know I can talk to Ayame and the girl who runs the Super Market and tell them not to sell any to you."
She suddenly appeared and latched onto my leg, sobbing hysterically.
"I'll be a good girl! I'll behave! I promiiiiiiiiiiise!"
Gets her every time.
"Right, and while I'm doing Uchiha Number 2 over there a favor and training his other student, he's going to take the time to train my new disciple in a few jutsu, because I distinctly remember her having an issue with not having a variety, and also being EXTREMELY susceptible to Genjutsu!" "Wait, I am?" "Well everyone seems to be on board with it, so let's go!" Picking up the small, female Uchiha and carrying her fireman style(To which she started kicking and punching to try to get me to put her down-) while Tsunade grabbed Naruko's trembling shoulder as she shot her an evil glance and Shunshined out of the area, and Gai dragged away a hysterically crying Sakura, I waved at the Uchiha-Sensei before vanishing in a swirling vortex.
"... So, guess it's just me and you, huh?" "It would seem so, Dickless."
The head banging off a tree could be heard all throughout the forest.
"Alright, we're far enough now I think." And with that, I threw the girl down onto the ground like a sack of potatoes. "Was that really necessary?" Was asked dryly as she got up and dusted off her clothes. "Absolutely- not. Now onto important matters, did you memorize the kata's like I showed you?" "Yes." "That doesn't sound like 'Yes, yes I did, Sensei!' but more of a 'Yes, whatever, jackass.' type of 'Yes'." "I said I did it, alright?!" "Sasuke…" "Don't. You. Dare." "Don't I dare what?" I asked innocently as I slowly circled around the now twitching Uchiha heir. "Don't you dare start." "Start what, conforming? Don't worry, Uke-Hime, I'm as nonconforming as can be." "I swear to all that is Uchiha, Hatake, that if you start singing-" "Well, I mean, you'd be nonconforming too if you looked just like me." "HATAKE!" "Got paint on on my nails, and make-up on my face, heck, I'm almost emo enough to start shaving my legs-"
That did it, as she finally blew a gasket, and with a face filled with red from rage, she yelled and started throwing punches my way. "Cause I feel real deep, when I'm dressing in drag, I call it freedom of expression, girls just call me a fag!" I blocked a punch and ignored a feint in favor of jumping back to avoid a leg sweep. "Cause the dudes look like chicks, and the chicks look like dykes-"I sidestepped a punch and flowed a palm that should have gone into my chest to the side, where it went harmlessly past me as she stumbled and I tripped her. Then I leaned down to whisper in her ear. "Cause Emo, is one step, below transvestite-"
I was then promptly punched in the nose.
"I AM NOT A TRANSVESTITE!" "Well those shorts and t-shirt certainly aren't doing you any favors, hunny." I replied as I put my nose back into place. "But moving on, I'll go ahead and take your word for it. Okay, if you've finished the kata, then, I believe it's time I got you started on at least a few jutsu, so you have some variety." Her two tomoe Sharingan eyes spun and narrowed rapidly at that. "No." I took out a spray bottle and spritzed her with it. "Bad pussy, bad." "Why the hell do you have a-" She cut herself off and started sniffing. "This is water, right?" "Well, it's not not not water, at least." "... I need a shower." "Yeah? And I need a student who doesn't try to use her Doujutsu for everything to make life easier." I sprayed her again. "God damn it, I am not a cat!" "No, you're a transvestite cat." "I AM NOT!" "Right, sorry- an EMO cat." "Hatake, there is only so much hate I can have for someone, please don't break the limit." "Danger Zone…" "What?" "Nothing! Anyway, won to training now, and- TURN OFF THE EYES, DAMN IT- we'll start by processing what you already know, so I can see what you need in your arsenal." She nodded. "Right. I know the basic Academy three, the Gōkakyū no jutsu, the Kage Shuriken and Kage Kunai jutsu, and the Hōsenka no Jutsu as well." "Hm. Okay then, continue."
…
"Oh please tell me you can continue." Now she just scowled and looked at the ground, pink tinting her cheeks. "You are LITERALLY a part of the biggest elemental jutsu using clan in the village- the heir, even! And that's all you know?!"
What were they teaching these kids in that village- how not to die until you could gain some kind of overpowered ability that just shits itself on your front porch?!
Though, considering I came here with some overpowered abilities already installed in this body, I can't really talk…
"Alright, that won't do. Not at ALL." "So, what? You going to allow me to use my Sharingan to copy as many jutsu as I can before Zabuza and his posse appear?" "Ha, ha ha! Nice try, but no. While I didn't expect you to know less techniques than Naruko had when we first met, we'll be doing this the old fashion way by me shooting jutsu at you until you learn to do it yourself." "Joy… Wait, didn't you and Naruko meet when she was seven?"
"... I'd answer that, but I don't want you going all Edgelord on me."
"Boss doesn't pay me enough for this." Clone Number 1 said to himself as he peeked through some trees to spy on Tsunade and her apprentice to see how well they would teach his student(Well, his best one, anyway.). "He doesn't pay you at all, dumb ass. Now pay attention!" Clone Number 2 scolded as he looked through a pair of binoculars. "Yeah, yeah, whatever. But I have a question-" "Ugh. What?" "Why do you have a pair of binoculars if we both have bosses Sharingan eye?" "Well, it's not like it's a Byakugan, jackass! It can't, just, like, see all the way over there to where everyone's at!" "But, they're only, at most, fifty feet away." "Now that's easy to explain with a SHUT UP!"
"Okay, gaki. What did the other gaki teach you that I was the one that had to start teaching you things?" "Don't speak of Setsumei-Sensei like that, you old hag! He's infinitely better in everyway to you!" "Oh? Then why did he want ME to teach you chakra control and Iryō jutsu as well?" "I honestly don't know- I heard him mumbling something along the lines of 'Irritating blondes with huge knockers and large anger pools doing wonders for each other' or some such thing." "What?! I am not… Well, they ARE pretty huge." "I know, right?! I saw Sensei staring at them all the time when you weren't looking and now I want massive ones like yours so I can get that much attention from him!" "Tch. Typical, perverted man- I don't see why you'd want someone like his attention." "Okay, ignoring everything wrong with that sentence- though I'm gonna have to have a talk to him about looking and not touching- with the way you're going right now, I wouldn't be surprised if you somehow got BIGGER than even me!" "S-Seriously?!"
Tsunade gestured to her impressive chest, then to Naruko's.
"I don't know if you know this already, but a lot of people believe that a woman's chest size coincides with the amount of chakra she possesses. The bigger that is, the bigger THIS is." She poked her breast, causing it to jiggle a bit(Much to the delight of Clones 1 through 3- wait, GET BACK TO WORK, YOU LAZY SON OF A BITCH!). "So, wait. If you have no chakra, then- like Sakura- does that mean…?" "That she's likely to be flat chested for the rest of her life? Basically." "Then, does this phenomenon also affect the males, too?" "If you're getting at what I think you're getting at, I'm not gonna lie- like a horse." I didn't know where they were going with this, but I feel as if I should lock my door at night(Among the various other locks that I had already installed to make my room 'Naruko proof' that is.). "So I can really get jugs as large as yours if my chakra keeps growing?" "I'd say you're about halfway there already, kid- definitely bigger than I was at your age, at least." Tsunade grumbled under her breath. "But regardless! Let's hear what you can already do, chakra exercise wise, at least." "Hm, okay. Well, I know the Kunai balancing circus act, the walky up the tree thing, the walking on water like a prophet, uh, and I can do this-" Lifting a fist, Naruko slammed it right into the ground, causing the surrounding area to shake, birds flying off of trees and squirrels running away from the tremor as the ground underneath her fist cratered, making a colossal hole in the ground that spanned nearly the entirety of the clearing. "Holy, hell!" Tsunade exclaimed as she clung onto the tree she jumped to right before the tiny earthquake happened and where Naruko soon joined her.
Shizune- not so lucky in her unconscious form covered in dirt smack dab in the middle of the crater.
I like to believe it was karma for kicking me in the balls.
I also like to believe like I didn't know that it was actually Naruko's revenge against her for damaging what she considered 'Her' goods.
"I can't believe that little shit actually tried to reverse engineer my super strength like that- it's a dangerous technique and if done wrong, could scar the Tenketsu in the body permanently! What the hell was that idiot thinking trying to teach it to a THIRTEEN YEAR-OLD?!"
"Uh, not at all?" "That sounds like Boss, yeah."
"Hey, lay off him! He wouldn't attempt to teach me something he knew would harm me! Besides, he did it himself before he even thought about teaching me about it, and he worked it out just fine! Or so I believe, if what I heard about you losing to him back in Konoha is anything to go by…" "Oi! I did not lose! At worst, it was a tie- which it was not!" "Right. Like I was saying, he wouldn't try to do something so stupid if he knew I couldn't handle it. And I can! It's just…" Here she blushed and turned away from the woman. "I don't have the best control over my chakra, is all. Which is why he wanted you to help teach me in the first place!" Tsunade raised a brow. "Really?" "To be honest, he tried hiding the real reason why he wanted you to teach me, and why he wouldn't go into more than the basics of the technique with me, but I know- he doesn't trust himself to be able to teach me the technique properly, and is afraid that I'll be hurt if he messes up with anything, so he wants the best teacher for it possible to do it for him."
"Huh." Clone Number 1 turned to Clone Number 2. "Boss is a pussy." "Indeed."
She turned back and pointed at the older blonde. "But that's hogwash! He can do it! It's me that can't do it…" Tsunade just rubbed the bridge of her nose and sighed. "I didn't sign up for this… Look, will you stop pouting if I say I'll help you learn to use the technique properly?" Naruko immediately perked up and grinned. "Would I! Also, can I learn that seal that's on your forehead as well while we're at it-" Face soon met ground as the Sannin punched the girl into the ground with a tick mark growing on said forehead.
"Don't push your luck, blondie." "Sure, Shodaime-Sama, I could go for a blondie right now..."
"So, how was Tsunade's glorious rack?" "Gloriously painful." Clone Number 3 cleaned his ears with his pinky as he sat down next to Clone Number 4 behind a bush. "Ahhhhhh yeah! Dude, you TOTALLY gotta send me the pic, later!" "You realize that later we'll be removed from this plane, and our memories will also be absorbed back into our original self, sitting inside his brain, slowly fading away from existence as the last of our marks in this world rot away right?"
"... But that memory of Tsunade won't go away anytime soon." "Oh most certainly not."
"So, what will we be doing today, dickless?" "Well, I'LL be trying to get you to stop calling me that, while you work on the Keijūgan no Jutsu." "I feel as if you should be spending your time on something that isn't a useless endeavour." "Yeah, me too. But my dead best friends brother wants me to train you while he's training my student, and I'll be damned if I don't do it!" "Setsumei-Sama has a brother? Intriguing. Does he have any other family members?" "No, none that I know of- then again, I thought his brother didn't have any either, but look who's here now." "Setsumei-Sama's here?" Sai(Still with a fake smile plastered on her face, by the way-) looked around and started primping herself up. "Do I look presentable to bask in the presence of Setsumei-Sama? Is my hair fine? Does this outfit make me look too impoverish? Is my butt plump looking enough?" Obito looked faintly uncomfortable as she continued peppering him with questions. "Erm, I meant metaphorically- he's still off somewhere teaching my cousin."
Sai made a sound of understanding and nodded.
"Right. The duck-ass transvestite." Obito physically recoiled at that. "Hey! She's does not… Well, she says she isn't a transvestite!" "And if you say you're not dickless, it means it's true?" "YES!" "A likely occurrence."
"She would make such a good troll." Clone Number 4 held out a bag. "Popcorn?" "Oh, yes please!"
"Man, beating the snot out of some Genin can really tire you out!" "I hear that." Tsunade agreed while we all clinked our drinks together. "We are sitting right here." Naruko stressed as three of the kids awkwardly sat at the table with us, waiting for the meal to be done so they could eat. "Yeah." Tsunade took a drink. "We know."
"Why do you think we're doing it?" Obito amusedly asked as he gave a soft grin and also took a drink. "Mm. This is actually rather potent- where'd you get this?" "I actually traveled to Suna and Kiri for a bit, and while I was there, I picked up some exotic imports they only dish out to other countries. I think this one is, uh, 'The Desert Bloom', a wine that was made from concentrated cactus juice collected from cacti only in the harshest of desert conditions, and mixed with the water from an underwater oasis they use for their hot springs. Huh." "Wait, isn't it just cactuses?" "No, Obito, the proper Englishnese language clearly dictates that we go by ANOTHER language called Latin to tell us how to speak our words, because god forbid if we were to actually branch out, and it states that for words that end with 'Us', the plural is to then be formed with an 'I' instead. Such as Octopi, nuclei, or Jesi Christ." Obito looked confused. "So the plural of something like 'Plus' would be 'Pli'?" "The hell- no! Plus doesn't need a god damn plural because it's already pluralized! Who the fuck is gonna use 'Pluses' in a sentence, anyway? It's moronic and has no use!" "And yet you somehow need to pluralize 'Jesus' like there is more than one." Tsunade muttered as she watched her glass while she waved it in the air. "Hey, I'm trying to be sensitive to different cultures, here, and you're making it a pain in the ASS!" "Woah, do either of you see that zebra wearing a top hat in the corner over there?"
…
"I think you're done with the booze there, champ." "No, my name's not Steve, it's Obito!" "Phineas and Ferb references aside, I have a weird feeling that two days from now, we'll be having a face-off on the unfinished bridge with a few soggy ninja." "How can you tell, Sensei?" "Well, besides the fact that I'm the one writing this thing, everyone knows that in Anime logic, nothing is ever done in odd bursts of time- they wouldn't show up on the 4th or the 6th day, so they are liable to pop up exactly a week after the last time they showed themselves, ergo, since we've been at this for about 3 days now, it's already been 5 days, so in 2 more days it will be a week, and that is when they will strike."
"... What, the-" "No homo."
Okay, so maybe no more wine for me, either-
"Regardless of these three's low alcohol tolerance-" "Wait, three?" "I'm counting the zebra, too- MY NAME IS NOT STEVE, DAMN IT!" "Maaaaaaaybe I should have started us out with the 'Natural Mist' and not the drink that's been known to cause hallucinations-" "REGARDLESS! I also have a feeling that in the next few, short days that we will be going up against the might of Kiri's best ninja, or ex-ninja, in this case, and we should all be prepared." "Indeed- though, speaking of prepared, where is Gai and Sakura?" "Gai-Sensei told me that he was going to camp out with Sakura, to, uh, 'Nurture her flames of YOUTH'." I grimaced at that.
I almost felt bad.
"And Mito, is…?" "Right here." Said teen glared at me as she walked down the stairs, getting back from checking on her mother. "You still mad about the whole 'Look up your dress while you're on a tree branch' thing?" The fist that knocked me down into the table so hard that I immediately sprung back up told me her answer. "Ow." "Pervert."
It appeared Tsunade had Shizune train her more than she herself did.
Joy.
"Also, Kaa-San wanted you, Shisou. Something about wanting to train with her daughters tomorrow for the oncoming battle and she needs your go." "Wooooooooah, my hand is like, attached to my wrist which is like, connected to the REST of my body!" "Yeah, she's completely out of it. I'll go look her over." Standing up, I was about to head on up to the room when a voice interrupted everyone.
"Why are you trying?"
We all looked over(Yes, even the drugged out Obito and Tsunade, who was at that point trying to get said Uchiha to drink out of her breasts like a cup- okay, so maybe I stopped them a bit too late.) to the staircase to see a little boy in a bucket hat trembling from what I suspected was emoitus. "Trying to what? Eat, or stop Uchiha-Sensei form getting his shit kicked in when Baa-Chan finally becomes aware of what she's doing?" "I mean, why are you trying to stop Gato, when all it will lead to is your DEATHS!" Not exactly wanting to deal with this(I was already dealing with the biggest emo in the world for these last few days, I couldn't handle anymore for the rest of the year.), I quickly made my way up the stairs, finding the room where the 'Birthgiver' was, as Naruko would say, and made my way in.
"Like it wasn't bad enough I had to live in the village where the emo capital of the world was, with an entire clan of them, but now I have to deal with this crap too- don't know why I even try." Shaking my head, I headed towards where the bed was and promptly sat down on the chair next to it. "Alright, Kushina, what seems to be the problem?" "Oh, Setsumei-Kun!" Kushina blushed and started playing with her hair. "I didn't know that you were going to be the one to come up here. I would have freshened up, otherwise!"
Somehow doubt that, considering you didn't even need to be in BED at this point, but decided to stay there on your own volition once you met who your doctor would be(Obviously me, because Tsunade refused to go near her after hearing how much blood there would be- oh sure, she would healed Kushina herself if the need arised… But when you had about three other medic nins, with one of them being the next best medic after herself in all of Konoha, there really was never a need that arised.).
Yeah, there's this that I had to deal with, too.
Like daughter, like mother…
"Kushina, you've been bedridden for a week, now, and you are only wearing a pair of sweatpants and some gauze across your torso with a blanket covering you- 'Fresh' is a foreign concept to you at this point." I deadpanned as I started up the Shōsen and ran it across the(Once large and deeper than one of my famous Triple D pizza's, but now looked shallower than a paper cut-) wound on her that spanned nearly the entirety of her upper body, and was covered in fresh gauze as well. "Sweatpants? What sweatpants?" She asked confusedly as she shifted on the bed. "You know, the pants that-"
A pair of grey slacks flew over my head and across the room.
"-Are now not on you. Are you at least wearing underwear under that blanket?" She paused. "What kind of underwear did you like again?" "The kind that actually covers the things that shouldn't be seen by others." She shifted again. "O-kay! Let's move this along now!" Clasping my hands together, they blew up in a green aura as I started giving her a check up. "Hm. Well, everything seems to be in order, for now." "Everything-" "ALMOST everything."
She pouted.
"Would it help my chances if I said I liked it rough?" "Would it help my chances of getting out of here if I said yes?" "Not really, no." "Then no, it doesn't." "Darn…" "Anyway." Letting up on the jutsu, I got up and stretched. "It looks like you're nearly healed now, and within about two days you'll be sent off with a clean bill of health. As for the training, I don't know when exactly the terrorists will strike, so I'd like everyone prepared when you're finally healed again, which means you'll only have tomorrow to train whoever it is in whatever it is you want to train them for." "Terrorists? Do you really think we can categorize them like that without causing a massive uproar about misconstruing words and wrongfully putting titles on people that don't really fit them?" "Well, they are here to stop the bridge from being built, so I'd expect there to be a bomb or two, at least." I shrugged. "So let's just call them Osama Jr.'s and be on with our lives already. Besides, it's not like failing to put proper titles on them is as bad as misconstruing the term 'Gay'."
I shuddered.
Never again…
"I guess. But onto our previous topic, I can still train my little bundles of joy-" 'Bundles of Joy' is not the term I would coin when looking at either of her children. "-tomorrow though, right?" "As long as you don't strain yourself too harshly, no, I don't see why not." "Great!" Her eyes started glinting.
Oh dear lord, whenever an Uzumaki woman's eyes glint, that always means trouble-
It seems to be always pile itself onto me, too, for some reason..
"Because if I can't do anything taxing, that just means you'll be doing all the work for me!"
"Note to self, never make any decisions after drinking Suna brand alcohol." I adjusted the fox tail(Yes, I was wearing a fake fox tail- don't ask me where that conniving woman got it from, because I really didn't want to know.) at my hips as I shuffled awkwardly in the middle of a forest. "Ah, don't be that way, Setsumei-Kun!" I yelped as the matriarch of the Uzumaki clan slapped my cheek(The lower one, sadly.) and walked over to a mortified Mito and a… Drooling Naruko. "I'll be whatever I want to be, and- WHY AM I DRESSED AS A PROSTITUTE ON LADIES ONLY NIGHT?!" "Whaaaaaaaat? You're not dressed as a prostitute!" "A pair of red fox ears, a red bow tie, no shirt, some dress pants, with a fox tail, and you think I'm not dressed like a prostitute?" "Nope. Besides, this was the only way I could get Naruko to join in on the training!" I somberly looked over at where Naruko was now taking pictures in various positions.
Self note: Kick own ass for getting us into this situation.
"What the hell kind of training is this, anyway?!" Surprisingly(Or not so surprisingly, I suppose.), Mito decided to finally speak up as she looked absolutely nearest to catatonic one could get without actually going into said state. "What is this supposed to teach us-" "Oh, relax, Mito-Chan." "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO RELAX WHEN IT LOOKS LIKE WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF SHOOTING WHAT LOOKS LIKE THE FAKEST PORNO THE WORLD'S EVER SEEN?!"
I could have sworn I heard Naruko mutter 'I don't know how that doesn't relax you…' from across the field.
"We're not shooting a porno, sweety-" A quick glance and a shake of the head confirmed this for the oldest Uzumaki. "Sadly." "MOM!" "What? Sorry, got a little distracted. Anyway, we're here to play a fun training game!" I raised a hand. "In what way is this training, and/or fun?" "Well, it's training, because we will be working on a little technique of mine that involves pointy, large, objects that all women love-"
Oh dear god, I can barely fight off Naruko when she comes after Mini-Mu. I don't think I can handle it with THREE Uzumaki after my sacred jewels.
"-And that object is swords!" Oh thank Satan, there is a devil. "And we'll be using those objects to try and target, while subsequently destroying the ears, bow, tail, and pants of that cute little fox over there!" Oh dear Satan, that devil's name is Kushina-
"Uh, excuse me, but WHAT?!" "Now the technique has been handed down in the Uzumaki clan as long as my great, great grandfather has lived, and I believe now is an excellent time for you two to learn as sisters!" Sharp weapons that could potentially miss and neuter me? A technique from the clan she despises? A teacher who happens to be an ignorant mother that Naruko hates with a passion? No way Naruko would agree to this-
"I'd like to learn this."
There goes my hopes and dreams of being a porn star.
"Naruko?!" "Sorry, Sensei. But while I loathe that woman, she is my only ticket to learning about the Uzumaki, and while I currently hate all the existing ones at this moment, I'll have kids with you at some point, and I want them to know as much about their heritage as possible!" Naruko whispered to me as Kushina brought out an average silver katana and handed it to Mito(Who at this point was passed the point of arguing and was just grinning and burning a hole in my pants that sorely wasn't needed.). "And you're sure it has nothing to do with me hitting on the fisherman's wife?" "Well, it didn't before." And just like that, I just signed up for my own neutering operation. "Alright, time to teach my kids about their heritage. Oh, this is so grand! Teaching my beloved children all about our clan and it's techniques!" She sniffed and wiped an eye. "It's enough to bring a tear to my eye!"
"Yeah." I gave a look at Naruko's exceptionally long and sharp blade that she meticulously started drawing from it's sheathe. "Brings tears to my eyes, too."