The space battle over Hive World Bengheim was reaching its crescendo as the Ork Invasion was contained and systematically eradicated by the Angry Marines Chapter. Such was the way of things, the Imperial Cruiser 'Thy Ancient Legend' lingered in the nearby asteroid belt, monitoring and commanding fleet actions through the star systems inter-vox network, as the battle continued unhindered.
This Terran warship was solid black with ornate golden trim along its numerous streamlines and buttresses. Inside, the lights were dimmed to a dull blue as a single man masked in shadows commanded the naval battle from a holo-projection view of the star system.
He leaned into the monitor, his chiseled fine chin ordained with a waxed brown short beard. His gloved hands glided through the holo-projection as he issued orders to several nearby officers in similar black tunics, "Interrogator Wise," he addressed a woman with black hair tossed over her left shoulder in a rather casual braid, a pair of spectacles upon her face reflecting light so that her eyes appeared like white ovals upon her visage.
"Yes my Lord Inquisitor," she replied with a bow before continuing her observations of the data slate in her hands, her eyes darting over combat data with fierce intelligence upon what would otherwise be a sincere emotionless face, grim and forever without humor. In response to her inquiry the man masked in the shadows chuckled to himself before replying, "I see that fool Temperus Maximus has joined the battle himself… wasting a Baneblade in the process… do contact the nearest fleet stockpile and request a replacement."
She nodded and wrote the necessary order down upon her data slate. Once more her superior leaned into the holo-projection, blue energy revealing his chiseled chin and waxed resonance-beard as the living actual human legend, 'The Old Man,' laughed to himself wickedly.
"Such futile resistance? These Orks don't even realize that they've already been beaten," he commented slyly, "Miss Wise, if you would be so kind… inform the fleet that I will be joining the battle as well… There is no longer any reason for me to remain in command…"
He was, of course, correct. The brunt of the Ork Invasion had already been silenced by the Imperial Navy. Only a stolen and retrofitted Battleship remained in operation by the greenskins just over the planet, and he had just given the order to Captain Illos Sinclair of, 'Thy Ancient Legend,' to join the Angry Marines Cruisers on their final orbital attack. As things stood… his presence was no longer needed in command and control of the situation, freeing him for more… leisurely killing.
"My lord?" she asked, surprised, those perched pink lips of hers slipping briefly into shock before once more closing tightly into an emotionless sneer. In response, the Inquisitor merely pushed away from the holo-projector and exited the command deck, his broad bulky body silhouetted against a white backdrop to the door suddenly opening into a highly illuminated corridor as he did so.
They called him… 'The Old Man,' an Inquisitor rumored to be, 'The First,' appointed by Malcador himself ten millennia ago. It was unknown whether this human was really the first inquisitor, or merely just ten millennium old, but… no one could deny his power, brilliance, or political reach. 'The Old Man,' his title, not his name, that Puritan Inquisitor who commanded the Angry Marines and Sisters of Anger… Who was he really?
The truth… was stranger than fiction. 'The Old Man' was a clone, a reincarnated fragment from a single legendary human who had perished long ago before humanity had taken its first baby steps out of the Sol System. This human, this legendary human to whom the Inquisitor owed his genetic lineage, was almost godlike in his reputation… taming bears, poisoning snakes with his blood, and countless other feet's of valor approaching a level similar to that of the Emperor himself.
Yes, Inquisitor Badasious was non-other than the genetic reincarnation of Chuck-Mother-Fucking-Norris, but almost everyone preferred to call him, 'The Old Man,' due to his lengthy age in comparison to that of even the Lords of Terra. This was a natural phenomenon from numerous gene-alterations from the original source material of his original donor, all meant to enhance his mind and body to super-human levels. The emperor had made these alterations when cloning him… and they all served to amplify his mind and body above and beyond that of even an Astartes.
Even still, ten millennia old, no one knew why Inquisitor Badasious was so ancient and physically capable despite his genetics, why death had yet to claim him, most theorized that disease or the other horrors of the 41st Millennium were merely too afraid to make an attempt on his life. Of course, in the Inquisitors defense… he did once teach a Swarm Lord how to 'love'… by raping the Tyranid until it accepted 'his' genetics giving birth to several baby humans instead of gene-altered freaks. And… he also once bedded and thoroughly satisfied both Lelith Hesperax and No'akei… at the exact same time. And… then there was that one time when he destroyed an entire Tau Armored Column with a napkin and salt shaker. So yes… Inquisitor Badasious had a reputation… So yes, they made him from Chuck Norris's DNA, 'The Old Man,' The First Inquisitor, and the handler of the Angry Marines, a position that he excelled at.
As The Inquisitor walked down the hallway from the bridge he heard his Interrogator running after him, her heels clanking against the deck plating as she jogged, data slate pressed up against her flat chest in sprint.
"My lord," she addressed him, while coming up to his side, panting for breath, "This ship doesn't have any more drop pods… nor can we drop you in with a…" He silenced her with an index finger to her pink lips. The action both startled and scared the poor woman.
"Only pussies use drop pods my dear," he said, while pushing away and entering the nearby air-lock before she could stop him, "Just get us close…" winking, "and I'll take care of the rest."
The air-lock cycled behind the Inquisitor as he adorned an exo-suit for spacewalking shortly before exiting the compartment into the void where numerous fireball plums marked the detonation of shipboard munitions contrasting the dull brown of the Hive Worlds atmosphere.
His feet instantly mag-locked to the hull of his black and gold warship as the lumbering armored giant slowly ascended from the asteroid belt from which it had been hiding. Large and small fragments of rock and metal bounced off, 'Thy Ancient Legend,' as it ascended slowly to take up its position alongside the other Cruisers of the Imperial Naval Assault Group, alongside, 'Thy Sisters Poon,' of the Angry Marines Chapter.
The Ork Battleship, a stolen Imperial Dreadnought gutted and refitted to add more guns and primitive armor plating, started to open fire at an excessive distance as the four Imperial Cruisers loyal to the Emperor raced around the planet, dodging flak and las fire glancing along their hulls at close proximity. There engines glowed bright blue with radioactive exhaust as they moved like a pack of feral hounds… each ship firing its own salvos at the Dreadnought. Fireball plums erupted along the Ork warships hull, shredding poorly painted red debris into the void as it continued to deliver it's additionally poorly aimed broadsides.
Numerous secondary explosions dotted the area around the planet as the ships closed the distance between the final Ork Orbital Defense Line and the charging Imperial Cruisers. Meanwhile, Inquisitor Badasious marched to the prow of his warship; saber in hand, eerie blue pysker fire ebbing from the blade as he pointed it at the Ork Dreadnought before them.
And then he yelled it, those precious words over the inter-system vox network to every ship and aircraft in the battle and under his command, saber pointed at the Dreadnought while standing exposed upon the tip of the Cruisers prow, "FLY ME CLOSER SO I CAN SWING MY SWORD AT IT!"
Despite the intensity of the firefight, no explosions nor las fire touched the exposed Inquisitor as the ships continued to close the distance… 'The Omnissiah's Dick;' moving at ramming speed through a field of twisted metal debris thudding along its hull. The stolen Ork Dreadnought unleashed its salvos to no avail as the Imperial Grand Cruiser tore through space, those words upon its battle ram becoming increasingly clear with every passing second, 'VIRGINS WELCOME FOR THY STEELY COCK!'
And so… the Angry Marines warship, 'The Omnissiah's Dick,' hit the Ork Dreadnought upon its exposed side, maintaining its speed, and passing clear through the warships hull and out the other side. Secondary explosions rippled through the wounded Ork Dreadnought as ammunition stockpiles cooked off, causing a chain reaction, which eventually hit the engine compartment. Seconds later, as 'The Omnissiah's Dick,' moved away from the split sides of the Dreadnoughts wreckage, other ships in the armada rejoining its flanking sides, the enemy warship simply exploded into a bright green radioactive flash as its plasma drive detonated.
Why had it been so simple to destroy the Ork Orbital Bastion? Easy enough, the Orks in their quests for ever increasingly deadly weaponry had removed or otherwise destroyed the fire doors between the Dreadnoughts ammunition compartments in order to accommodate MORE DAKKA. In doing so they had allowed for an uncontrolled detonation of munitions stockpiles should a catastrophic attack be delivered upon the warship. Thus, when, 'The Omnissiah's Dick,' had passed clean through the Dreadnought, the explosions of military grade munitions went unchecked until they hit the engine room, eventually setting of f the plasma drive.
Inquisitor Badassious stood at the prow of his warship as the quartet of Cruisers flew past the burning Dreadnought, its molten hulk crumpled up in the Hive Worlds atmosphere like a giant arcing comet. The damn thing would make landfall and cause serious damage… but… in the end it was still a job well done…
And, once again, some twisted humor from some unknown Fabricator General had venerated the day, as 'The Omnissiah's Dick,' proved too much for any enemy warship to handle, when sir-ship was rammed hard and fast, defloring its enemies unbattle-chastined hulk. In the end… the Orks probably approved of the joke despite being dead. Oh, to have been violated in naval combat… by… 'The Omnissiah's Dick,' such things brought glee to the Inquisitors bearded face.