Scene Three. School Reunion. (Into the Woods/Grease)

At a school that might just be in Newport, THE DOCTOR walks into a classroom. He dons his glasses and writes Dr John Smith on the chalk board. The students stare.

THE DOCTOR. Good morning class, I am your substitute science teacher.

PARODY WRITER. Why didn't I ever get a teacher like that?

Meanwhile, in a hallway, the sinister MR FINCH stalks a tired-looking pupil.

Song. HELLO, LITTLE GIRL (Sondheim)

MR FINCH. HELLO LITTLE GIRL,

WHAT'S YOUR RUSH?

WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE MATTER?

WHAT, SO, LITTLE GIRL,

HARK AND HUSH—

IT'S NOT CLEAR I WANT TO SMATTER

Your blood as I devour you, or if I'm a predator of a more mundane sort.

GIRL. EWW, I SAID

BETTER DEAD

THAN TO BE RAPED

AND FILLED WITH DREAD.

MR FINCH. Are you kidding? This is Doctor Who. People get tortured, killed, genocide is the norm, but no one gets raped.

GIRL. Oh, good. Are you gonna eat me then?

MR FINCH. Muhahahahahahahaha!

He slams the door and the girl screams.

Back in the classroom, THE DOCTOR plays with a rubix cube. The class sits boredly and fidgets.

THE DOCTOR. So, what's the matter with you kids? Immune to my hotness or something?

MILO. Sorry, sir, it's just that we've been forced to watch back-to-back episodes of Hollyoaks.

THE DOCTOR. I see. Well, we'd better kick start the plot or the readers of the parody are going to be stuck forever with the really disturbing image conjured up in the scene just before this one.

MILO. Sir, if you please, maybe I could tell you the speed of light and some other technobabble and you could surmise that there's something weird going on?

THE DOCTOR. Good one, Milo, was it? You get a Galaxy bar.

MILO. Can I have ten quid instead?

THE DOCTOR. Er . . . no.

THE DOCTOR sits at the school canteen (I was going to write cafeteria but I think that's an Americanism?). ROSE, dressed as a dinner lady, scoops chips onto people's plates.

Song. BEAUTY SCHOOL DROPOUT (Jacobs/Casey)

ROSE. A-LEVEL DROPOUT,

IS THIS THE FATE I'M MEANT TO BEAR?

A-LEVEL DROPOUT—

IT'S SEXIST AND UNFAIR!

WHILE THE DOCTOR GETS TO SCHMOOZIN'

WITH HIS BRIEFCASE AND HIS GLASSES

I'M STUCK HERE, MOPPIN' OOZIN'

CRAP AND WORKIN' MY ASS—

STUDENT. Miss!

ROSE dumps chips into the child's plate. She slips over to the table where THE DOCTOR is sitting. She glares at him, hands on hips.

THE DOCTOR. A-LEVEL DROPOUT,

AREN'T YOU GLAD YOU CAME WITH ME?

A-LEVEL DROPOUT,

AREN'T CHIP STAINS YOUR FANTASY? (he picks up a chip)

EWW, THESE CHIPS ARE KIND OF MANKY,

I DON'T THINK THAT YOU SHOULD MUNCH 'EM—

ROSE. I NEED STARCH (she stuffs her face)—I'M NOT SO SWANKY—

MRS JACKSON. (shouts across the room) YOU'RE NOT PAID TO HAVE A LUNCHEON!

ROSE. Coming! Yeah, just . . . a sec!

THE DOCTOR. A-LEVEL DROPOUT—

ROSE. I'M GOING TO GET YOU FOR THIS, WAIT—

THE DOCTOR. A-LEVEL DROPOUT—

SEE YOU LATER, DON'T BE LATE!

She walks away, sticking out her tongue at him; he waves leisurely at her.

ROSE. A-LEVEL DROPOUT . . . (repeat ad nauseum)

THE DOCTOR observes that a kid named KENNY is not allowed to eat chips nor go to the Maths room. He locks glances with MR FINCH

MR FINCHMuhahahahahahaa!

In the kitchen, ROSE calls MICKEY on her mobile.

MICKEY. So I'm still on the show, am I?

ROSE. Apparently so.

MICKEY. I bet you look really sexy in your dinner lady outfit.

ROSE. Um . . . how's the investigatin' going?

MICKEY. What investigatin'?

A scream startles ROSE. A vat of goopy oozy chip stuff has fallen onto a dinner lady.

MRS JACKSON. Miss Tyler, why are you on your phone?

ROSE. Hafta call in for X Factor! Er—I mean—that woman needs an ambulance.

MRS JACKSON. No, she's fine, and I'm all deadpan funny. Get back to work.

ROSE. 'Kay.

Meanwhile, in the staff room, THE DOCTOR is talking to MR PARSONS, an expendable history teacher.

THE DOCTOR. . . . So clearly the National Lottery is behind all of this.

MR PARSONS. I wouldn't say that . . .

THE DOCTOR. But, I mean, it all goes back to what Pertwee said, about stuff being scariest when it comes to Earth to get you, to get your children.

MR PARSONS. Er . . . who's Pertwee?

THE DOCTOR. He will be me, and I will be him.

MR PARSONS. Then who will I be?

MR FINCH leads in SARAH JANE SMITH, who's wearing really tall boots.

MR FINCH. Gentlemen, may I introduce Miss Sarah Jane Smith, a journalist?

THE DOCTOR. Hellloooooo, Sarah Jane. I mean—

SARAH JANE. Do I know you?

THE DOCTOR. Er . . . I don't think so. But my name's JOHN SMITH. Get it? JOHN SMITH.

SARAH JANE. Um, you're weird. But strangely engaging. We'll talk later. Ciao!

Night falls. THE DOCTOR, MICKEY, and ROSE break in. Shrieks and strange winged shadows are seen throughout the school.

ROSE. Kinda reminds me of the Reapers from "Father's Day."

THE DOCTOR. Yeah, except the CGI is crappier. Come on. We need to get to the kitchens to take samples of the oily-burny-oozy-chip stuff.

MICKEY. Yum!

SARAH JANE also breaks into the school. She sees THE TARDIS and drops her torch. She doesn't see THE DOCTOR watching her.

Song. THOSE MAGIC CHANGES (Jacobs/Casey)

SARAH JANE. WHAT'S THAT TARDIS DOING OVER THERE?

SHOULD I GO AND SEE AND DO I DARE--?

MY HEART'S RACING AND I CAN'T EXPLAIN

WHAT I'M FEELING—

THE DOCTOR. HELLO, SARAH JANE.

SARAH JANE. (peers at him) YOU'RE SO FAMILIAR TO ME,

SEND A THRILL RIGHT THROUGH ME . . .

BUT YOU CAN'T BE HIM, YOU'RE

YOUNG AND HOT AND—

THE DOCTOR. REGENERATION . . .

THOSE MAGIC CHANGES . . .

SARAH JANE. BODY EXCHANGES . . .

THE DOCTOR. TEETH AND CURLS FOR PINSTRIPES AND CHIC—

SARAH JANE. YOU CAN'T FOOL ME, YOU'RE STILL A GEEK!

THE DOCTOR. YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED EITHER, YOU'RE—

SARAH JANE. DON'T SAY I'M MATURE!

IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME . . .

THE DOCTOR. BUT YOU'RE STILL SARAH JANE!

SARAH JANE. THE WORDS THAT I WANNA HEAR

ONCE AGAIN YOU WHISPER IN MY EAR . . .

WHOA, MY DOCTOR

OH OOH WEE OOH

WEE OOOH OOOH!

ALL MY LIFE I'VE BEEN IN WAIT FOR YOU—

YOU'D COME BACK TO ME SOMEDAY, I KNEW,

BEEN SO LONELY SINCE YOUR LAST GOODBYE—

ROSE. (shouts offstage) Doctor!

SARAH JANE. NOT ALONE, THEN, I SEE—

THE DOCTOR. (flustered) WELL, I—I—I—

SARAH JANE advances on THE DOCTOR, poking him in the chest with her finger.

SARAH JANE. WHILE WE'RE AT IT, CROYDON'S

NOT THE SAME AS ABERDEEN

YOU LEFT ME STRANDED, THANKS A LOT—

THE DOCTOR. IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THOUGHT—
SARAH JANE. BODY EXCHANGES,

THOSE MAGIC CHANGES . ..

OOH WEE OOOH WEE OOH

OOH WEE OOOOH YEAH!

OOOOOOOOO.

ROSE and MICKEY dash in.

MICKEY. SHOOP DOO-WOP, DUM!

ROSE looks at him. Then she looks at SARAH JANE.

ROSE. What the 'ell is going on here? You two recordin' a record or somefin'?

THE DOCTOR. Could do, yeah.

ROSE. Is that what you call singing then?

SARAH JANE. Yeah, you should try it some time. Sarah Jane Smith, by the way. I was the Doctor's main squeeze for four seasons. You've only been on for—

THE DOCTOR. Sarah, this is Rose Tyler.

SARAH JANE. My, my, the assistants get younger every year.

ROSE. I'm not an assistant. We're called companions now. Shall I get in some more digs at your age? I don' know who you are or anyfink about you, but I've got to be jealous right away to milk the comic potential.

SARAH JANE. Okay, fine, but no more digs about the age. Who screamed by the way?

MICKEY. That'd be me. Rats.

THE DOCTOR (licking his fingers). That'll be food for the winged bat-like aliens who are living in the school. C'mon, I'll show you, case you forgot there was a plot.

ROSE and SARAH JANE run off.

MICKEY. Ha ha ha! It's like the ex meeting the missus.

THE DOCTOR hits him. Hard.

MICKEY. Owww! What was that for?!

THE DOCTOR. That was below the belt, for me and the show.

MICKEY. Yeah, but, wouldn't you like to see 'em mud-wrestling? Dukin' it out for you? We could sell tickets and everyfing. Raise money for charity.

THE DOCTOR. Hmm, it's an idea. I'll consider it.

All four walk out of the school toward THE TARDIS.

THE DOCTOR. If only we had something that would analyze the chemical signature of that oozy-chip stuff.

SARAH JANE. A-ha! (runs to her car)

THE DOCTOR. (indulgently) She's having an 'A-ha!' moment. Very exciting for an assistant. ROSE glares. Um . . . shutting up.

SARAH JANE pulls a broken-down K-9 from her boot.

SARAH JANE. He just broke down one day, I wasn't able to repair him. I thought about giving him to Oxfam, but I just couldn't part with him.

THE DOCTOR. (high pitched) K-9! (clears his throat, lower) I mean, how nice to see K-9. I'm sure I can repair him.

ROSE. What do you need a metal dog for?

THE DOCTOR. (protectively patting K-9's head) Hey! I'm going to report you to the RSPCA!

ROSE. For what, cruelty to metalloids?

MICKEY. Rrrrowr.

SARAH JANE. I think we all need something to eat. 'Cause no one ever eats on this show. Let's take my car to a café—

MICKEY. Again, in Newport—

SARAH JANE. –and fix K-9 and schmooze.

In the café, ROSE picks at her sandwich, staring at THE DOCTOR and SARAH JANE who are laughing.

MICKEY. You're not eating, babe.

ROSE. I had some toilet paper mixed with water earlier. I'm full.

MICKEY. I think you're jealous.

ROSE. No shit, Sherlock.

MICKEY. Well, now you know how it feels.

ROSE (looking at him thoughtfully). Mickey, I want you to know. All those condoms I took with me earlier? I haven't used them.

MICKEY. Yeah, that makes me feel a lot better . . .

SARAH JANE. You know, I liked the hat and scarf look. We were all so '70s back then. Doctor, why didn't you come back for me?

THE DOCTOR. Um . . . because. K-9 comes back to life. K-9! Give me a kiss! I mean . . . here, analyze this gooey stuff.

K-9. (ears whir) Krillitane.

THE DOCTOR. What, cellophane?

K-9. Krillitane. Your intelligence has not improved with age, Master.

THE DOCTOR. Krillitanes! It's been awhile since I saw them. Last time they were Loch Ness monsters.

K-9. But the Borad was the Loch Ness monster, Master.

THE DOCTOR. Oh, come on, no one pays attention to "Timelash"! Let's go!

The waitress leaves the check, which THE DOCTOR tactfully ignores. SARAH JANE wearily pays it.

ROSE. Doctor, I'm sorry, but it's confrontation time. You have a lot to own up to. Forty years, in fact.

THE DOCTOR. Sorry, never seem to have the time. It's part of my allure.

ROSE. Love 'em and leave 'em, is it?

THE DOCTOR. Who said anything about love?! ROSE looks furious. Look, you can spend the rest of your life with me, but I can't spend the rest of my life with you.

PARODY WRITER. Sniff.

THE DOCTOR. Or to put it another way . . .

Song. THERE ARE WORSE THINGS I COULD DO (Jacobs/Casey)

THE DOCTOR. THERE ARE WORSE THINGS I COULD DO

THEN TO TAKE A FRIEND OR TWO—

OR MAYBE MORE LIKE TEN—

NOT JUST GIRLS BUT ALSO MEN . . .

IN THE TARDIS, BUT DON'T CONSTRUE

THAT THEY MEAN THE SAME AS YOU.

Uh . . . I said that wrong. Let me try again.

WHAT I MEAN, AS LORD OF TIME,

I'M NINE-HUNDRED-NINETY-NINE,

I'M LONELY AND DEPRESSED

OR HADN'T YOU NOTICED? STRESSED—

ROSE. SO YOU TAKE THEM ALL TO SCREW?

THE DOCTOR. THAT'S A THING I'D NEVER DO!

ROSE. HERE I THOUGHT I WAS UNIQUE—

NOW THE TRUTH IS RATHER BLEAK—

THE MAN WHO I ADORE

IS A BOUNCY E.T. MAN-WHORE—

THE DOCTOR. I SUPPOSE IT COULD BE TRUE,

BUT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS I COULD DO.

ROSE, YOU HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE—

YOU'LL DIE LONG BEFORE I DO

INDEED, WHAT KIND OF FUN

TO COMMIT MYSELF TO ONE?

He takes out his wallet and shows her photos of all the companions. She raises her eyebrow at Adric.

THE DOCTOR. In FACT I'LL BE YOU NEVER KNEW.

BUT TO BACKSTORY IN FRONT OF YOU

THAT'S THE WORST THING I COULD DO-HOO!

The next day at school, ROSE, THE DOCTOR, and SARAH JANE go in.

THE DOCTOR. (to MICKEYStay with the car and the dog.

MICKEY. I am the tin dog.

K-9. Affirmative.

In the pool room, THE DOCTOR and MR FINCH circle each other warily.

THE DOCTOR. This is a really dramatic scene.

MR FINCH. Yes, and everyone thinks one of us is going to end up in the pool.

THE DOCTOR. Suckaz.

MR FINCH. Yeah, I know. Though what's the purpose of it, really, other than to establish that I know that you know that I'm a Krillitane?

THE DOCTOR. Dunno, other than to give me good lines and add to mystique.

MR FINCH. Time to go now?

THE DOCTOR. Yup.

THE DOCTOR walks into the Maths room to hear SARAH JANE and ROSE laughing at him.

THE DOCTOR. What's so funny?

SARAH JANE. You!

THE DOCTOR. What?

ROSE. She told me that you wear footed pajamas to bed and have a stuffed panda named Mike and you drool all over your pillow.

SARAH JANE. And she told me you—

THE DOCTOR. Ack!

SARAH JANE. Anyway, we've bonded now.

THE DOCTOR. Good. It's time for another song.

Song. CHIP POWER (GREASED LIGHTNIN') (Jacobs/Casey)

MR FINCH. (to the other Krillitanes) COMRADES WE'RE READY TO MOVE INTO THE FINAL PHASE, OH YEAH

KRILLITANES. KEEP TALKIN, WHOA, KEEP TALKIN'

MR FINCH. WE'RE LOCKIN' DOWN THE SITE AND ENDING ALL THESE KIDS SCHOOL DAYS', OH YEAH (he sends a message over the PA system telling the kids to go to class and the staff to meet in the staff room)

KRILLITANES. WE GET TO BE GODS, YOU BET, BE GODS

MR FINCH. GET THE KIDS TO DO THE TOIL, THERE IS NOTHING HERE TO SPOIL

KRILLITANES. THE STAFF ARE REALLY YUMMY, THAT IS IN THE TUMMY— (they devour the staff)

CHIP POWER!

In the Maths room . . .

THE DOCTOR. Deadlock seal! Even the sonic screwdriver can't break through that.

ROSE. Refresh my memory—is there any logic to the sonic screwdriver at all?!

SARAH JANE. None at all. Except when he uses it to pluck his nose hairs.

THE DOCTOR. (coloring) Hey!

The kids are hooked into the computer program, which is switched on. Numbers and green stuff goes on a big screen.

KIDS. GO CHIP POWER

THE DOCTOR. THEY'RE WORKING ON THE PARADIGM!

KIDS. CHIP POWER, GO CHIP POWER

THE DOCTOR. NO, CHIP POWER!

MR FINCH. THEIR YOUTHFUL MINDS WORK JUST FINE!

KIDS. CHIP POWER, GO CHIP POWER

THE DOCTOR. WITH THIS, THEY'RE GODS

MR FINCH. WE'RE LUCKY SODS!

FROM CHIP POWER!

Doctor, you could join us. I'd give you Rose and Sarah Jane as bonuses.

SARAH JANE. Don't do it, Doctor! Everything's time comes and goes! Everything dies!

THE DOCTOR. Yes, I know. But just to be dramatic— (He throws a chair at the screen)

Meanwhile, KENNY has escaped. He runs to the sealed-off doors to gesture to MICKEY.

MICKEY. Oh my God, what amma gonna do? I'd better ask the metal dog 'cause I'm obviously too stupid to figure it out myself.

K-9. Affirmative.

They ram the car into the school.

K-9. Oh my God, you killed Kenny!

MICKEY. jumping out of the car, into the school) COME WITH ME, K-9, WE'RE GOING TO SAVE THE DAY, OH YEAH

TEAM MICKEY, GO TEAM MICKEY

KENNY. HERE, I'LL BE CLEVER AND HIT THIS ALARM— (observes the effect on the KRILLITANES) NO WAY—OH YEAH

TEAM KENNY, GO TEAM KENNY

THE DOCTOR. (to K-9) WE'VE GOTTA USE THE OIL, THE KRILLITANES WE'LL BOIL

K-9. I'LL SACRIFICE MYSELF FOR MY MASTER'S BETTER HEALTH

TEAM K-9!

THE DOCTOR. You're a good dog, K-9.

K-9. Affirmative.

THE DOCTOR. This episode may be a bit sentimental and simplistic, but it's got its heart in the right places.

K-9. Hence, I deduce, why the Parody Writer paired it with Grease.

PARODY WRITER. Affirmative.

THE DOCTOR, ROSE, and SARAH JANE escape, with K-9 staying behind in the kitchens. MICKEY and KENNY get the kids out. The school blows up.

KIDS. GO TEAM KENNY

YOU GOT US OUT OF SCHOOL FOR A YEAR!

TEAM KENNY, GO TEAM KENNY!

SARAH JANE. DOCTOR, WHERE'S K9?—I THOUGHT HE WAS HERE—

TEAM K9, GO TEAM K-9 . . .

THE DOCTOR. OH SARAH JANE,

I'M TO BLAME—

POOR K-9!

Later, outside the TARDIS . . .

ROSE. Doctor, can we please end this? It's gone on for nine pages already.

THE DOCTOR. Yeah, absolutely. Sarah, you want to come with us?

SARAH JANE. No, don't really fancy threesomes. Or . . . foursomes.

MICKEY. Does she mean me? ROSE mouths 'no.'

THE DOCTOR. Sure. ROSE and MICKEY go into THE TARDIS. Here, this is for you.

SARAH JANE. Another K-9! Well, well, he's like the Energizer Bunny! And Doctor, if you hadn't guessed already, I love you I love you I love you, as much or more than when you were tall and bohemian and had bad teeth but were loveable and magnificent and—

THE DOCTOR. Um . . . my Sarah Jane! (hugs her)

SARAH JANE. Oh, Doctor, kiss me!

THE DOCTOR. Um, sorry, I don't do that.

SARAH JANE. Is it because I'm old?!

THE DOCTOR. No, I just don't kiss people.

PARODY WRITER. Liar.

THE DOCTOR leaves, and SARAH JANE walks off with K-9.

SARAH JANE. Thus a spin-off was born. Again.

Next time: Scene Four. Girl in the Fireplace. (Passion)