CHAPTER 4: GREEK LIFE
During lunch, Peapod got himself two slices of pizza, a Yahoo soda, and a side of steamed rice. He went over to Park's table.
"Hello, Park," said Peapod.
"Hi, Peapod," said Park. "I've got something funny that happened in geology class to tell you. During the lesson..."
A wolf whistle interrupted their conversation. It was coming from Bryce.
"Sorry, Park," said Peapod, "I think Bryce and the other fraternity brethren want them to sit with me today."
"Why are they wolf whistling?" asked Park. "Are they trying to pick up girls?"
"No," said Peapod, "that's how they get other fraternity bros get attention."
Park sighed.
"Whatever," he said.
Peapod walked over to the table where Bryce, Owen, Dylan, Levi, and Chase were sitting. Bryce and Chase had burgers for lunch, Levi had pizza, and Owen and Dylan had meatball subs. All five boys had Yahoo sodas.
"Hello there, Peapod," said Chase.
"You look awesome in that outfit!" said Levi.
"Thanks," said Peapod, sitting down at the table.
Peapod looked at Bryce's watch.
"I like your watch," he said. "Where did you get it?"
"From an expensive jeweler," said Bryce. "I wore it to the winter cotillion. Did you go?"
"Why yes," said Peapod. "It was...okay."
"Just okay?" asked Owen.
"Well..." said Peapod, "I liked the food."
"Oh yes, the food!" said Bryce. "That caviar was delicieux!"
Peapod felt a knot in his stomach at the sound of caviar. He had had caviar before, and he thought it tasted awful.
"Do you like video games?" asked Peapod.
"We sure do," said Bryce. "Call of Duty, Grand Theft Auto, and many others..."
"What about books?" asked Peapod.
"I'm not much of a book person," said Bryce.
"Bryce!" said Dylan. "Tell that story about your last time at the country club."
"Oh yes," said Bryce. "Well, I went to the country club a few weeks ago. There were some pretty blonde girls hanging outside. I figured I'd check them out. We shared some beer together. Then they asked me if they could come over to my house. After that, I slept with each and every one of them. I'm a champion when it comes to the bed."
"Bryce here is a real player," said Owen. "I am too. I bedded two sorority girls two Fridays ago."
"How about you, Peapod?" asked Levi. "You've ever had sex?"
"That's a personal question," said Peapod.
"Come on, Peapod," said Owen. "We promise we won't tell anyone."
"Fine," said Peapod. "No, I have not."
"It's okay," said Bryce. "We understand these things. We're really understanding."
Of course, Bryce had his fingers crossed behind his back.
Peapod decided to change the subject.
"Last week, I went to the Hillwood Natural History Museum," said Peapod. "I saw a real taxidermy platypus donated to the museum from Australia."
"Did you get to touch it?" asked Chase.
"No," said Peapod, "it's a museum specimen."
When Peapod was leaving the cafeteria, he saw some girls giggling.
"What's so funny?" he asked them.
"Bryce told us something hilarious," said one of the girls. "You're a virgin!"
"What?" said Peapod.
Bryce walked up to Peapod.
"Sorry," said Bryce, "it kinda...slipped out."
Peapod sighed.
"Oh well..." he said. "I'm sure they'll forget."
"By the way," said Bryce, "did you see you have an appointment after program?"
"Oh, I forgot," said Peapod. "I didn't bring my car. I'll call my mom and ask her to pick me up. It's on her way home from the hospital." Peapod's mom Cynthia was a doctor. He was very close with her, and she was always willing to give him a ride home when he needed it.
Not long before Peapod's next class, he called his mom, who promised to pick him up after the fraternity meeting was over. Now let's cut to the fraternity house. Peapod arrived promptly at 2:30 PM, after all of his classes were over.
"Yo, Peapod," said Levi, "we've got a lot of fun activities planned for today."
"Okay," said Peapod, "what kind of fun activities? Video games?"
"Um, no," said Dylan. "You're going to like it even better than that. It's called Drinking Jenga. We'll teach you how to play. You grab a tile and then we'll tell you what to do next. We've provided the booze. Take a seat over here." Dylan helped Peapod into a seat.
"We'll go in alphabetical order of our names," said Bryce. "Since Peapod starts with a P, and the other guys names start with B, C, D, L, and O, you're going to have to go last."
"Fine by me," said Peapod.
The Jenga tiles were all laid out. Bryce went first. The tile said 80s Bands.
"I got 80s Bands," said Bryce, "so I have to name three 80s bands. A-ha, Poison, and The Smiths. Not that I listen to any of them, since I don't."
Eventually, it got to Peapod's turn. He picked up a title that said Peer Pressure.
"That means drink one for every person here," said Bryce. "That means drink six shots."
Peapod drank six shots.
The next turns for everyone involved more drinking. On Peapod's next turn, he picked Michael Jackson.
"Congratulations, said Owen, "you're a black chick for the rest of the game."
"What?" said Peapod.
"That tile means you have to change your race and gender," said Bryce. "And to reflect it, we're gonna call you Shaniqua."
"That's rather stereotypical," said Peapod.
"You've been listening to that Sheena girl, haven't you?" said Dylan.
"Oh no," said Peapod, "no-no-no-no-no!"
And so through the game, Peapod had so much to drink that he started to get dizzy, so he went to the bathroom to puke. After he got out...
"Feeling better, bro?" said Bryce. "Now for our next activity. We're going to watch clips from a documentary about Ronald Reagan, the greatest man who ever lived."
"Sounds exciting," said Peapod sarcastically. He slapped himself. "...I mean, great!"
And so the frat boys watched scenes from the documentary. Peapod nearly fell asleep.
"I don't think Peapod is having fun," said Chase.
"He thinks it's boring," said Bryce. "We'll have to find another game." Bryce turned off the movie and took out a box of pictures.
"Is that some kind of game?" asked Peapod.
"This is a fucking awesome game!" said Bryce. "It's called Rate the Geeks. We show you pictures of geeks and you rate them from 1 to 10, with 1 being the least geeky and 10 being the most geeky."
"That sounds like fun!" said Peapod.
"Here we go," said Bryce. He took out a picture of a boy with curly red hair picking his nose.
"I'd say a 5," said Peapod.
"Next geek!" said Bryce. He took out a picture of a girl with short black hair and big rectangle glasses.
"6," said Peapod.
Bryce then took out a picture of a boy with a bowl cut and big buck teeth.
"8," said Peapod.
Bryce then took out a picture of a kid with curly brown hair, rectangle glasses, suspenders, a pocket protector, and his shirt tucked into his tighty whities that were sticking out of his pants. This kid looked geekier than the other three combined.
"Whoa," said Peapod, "that's definitely a 10."
The frat boys laughed.
"Where did you get these photos?" asked Peapod.
"I found them on the Internet," said Bryce.
"Hopefully these kids won't see these pictures," said Peapod.
"They probably won't," said Owen. "They're probably too busy watching baby shows like Dora the Illegal Immigrant. You know, the kind that autistic 25-year-olds watch."
Peapod thought that Owen's remark was offensive. Peapod knew people who were autistic, including one of his cousins. He didn't say anything, but looked on as the other boys laughed at the cruel remark.
"So," said Levi, "how is Greek life treating you?"
"So far, so good," said Peapod. "You guys are really cool! My other friends never get to play these kinds of games with you."
"Well maybe you should hang with us more often," said Bryce.
"I'd love to!" said Peapod.
When Peapod was on his way home, he thought about his first day as a frat boy. The frat boys seemed cool to him, but they drank a lot and they made plenty of vulgar remarks, some of them very offensive.
Peapod's mother Cynthia looked at her son through the car mirror.
"So, Jesse," she said, "how's Greek life going?" Peapod's parents always called him by his real name.
"I like it," said Peapod, "well, for the most part. The frat boys can be a bit rude sometimes."
"That's how a lot of frat boys are," said Cynthia. "Just remember to be very careful around them."
"How was your day at the hospital?" asked Peapod.
"It was pretty good," said Cynthia. "Mrs. Vitello came in for her cataract operation. After I performed it, she gave me a bouquet from her store. She told me her granddaughter is getting married in three weeks and she wanted to be ready for it. I'm surprised she's still working at her age, although she did say that after this year, her granddaughter is going to take over."
Peapod looked at the bouquet of marigolds next to his mother.
"I'm going to put these flowers in a vase," said Cynthia.
Peapod thought about the fraternity. He figured that he'd try to tune out the frat boys' unlikable traits and just have fun.