CHAPTER 4

Mark drove his rental car and followed Sam in hers to the hospital the next morning. They parked their cars side by side and walked up the sidewalk together and stopped just outside the doors.

"I'm really glad you've been here the last few days, Mark. It's been nice to have somebody to talk to that I don't work with."

"That's what family is for, to let your hair down and be yourself. I know you can't always do that with your friends."

They entered the hospital and came into Jack's room to see him sitting in a chair.

"Hi, honey." Sam leaned over to give him a kiss.

"How are you, Jack?" Mark asked.

"Not too bad. One of the physical therapists got me up to walk a little but I'm afraid I was a little wobbly."

They sat and talked for awhile until Mark looked at his watch.

"I need to be going if I want to catch my flight."

Sam hugged Mark. "Thank you for coming. It's been good to have you here."

Mark turned to Jack and shook his hand.

"Jack, it was nice to finally meet you. I'll be calling to check on your progress and I hope everything goes well."

"Good to meet you too and I appreciate your being here for Sam."

"When you get better, I would like for you to come visit me and my family."

Jack smiled. "We'd like that."

Sam linked her arm through Mark's. "I'll walk out with you. Be back in a minute, Jack."

Sam and Mark walked to the elevator and he hugged her one more time.

"I hope the therapy goes well for Jack and let us know how he's doing."

Sam smiled. "I promise."

Sam started back to Jack's room but was stopped by one of the nurses.

"We just had some mail come in for your husband and you have another flower arrangement."

Sam asked the nurse behind the desk for the mail. As she stood waiting, she smelled the flowers, opened the card to see who they were from and her eyes grew wide with surprise. She then overhead two nurses talking behind the counter.

"He sure is handsome."

"He certainly is."

"I saw him this morning when I went to take his vitals. I had heard what a great looking guy he is and I finally got to see for myself."

"Don't you just love his gray hair?" one of them said as she put her hand over her heart and sighed.

"He's tall and handsome and sexy, even in a hospital gown."

"He's also very powerful. He's a General in the Air Force and works with the President."

"Too bad he's married. Lucky woman."

"Yeah, too bad" the other one said as she wandered off.

The nurse handed Sam the mail, she picked up the flowers and smiled to herself. 'Yes, I'm a very lucky woman.'

She entered Jack's room and set the flowers on a table.

"Who are those from?"

Sam handed him the card and Jack stared at it. "Well, of all people. Harry Maybourne."

Sam grinned. "That was nice of Harry. You know, Jack, I know you two have your differences, but I think he really respects you."

"Harry has his faults, that's for sure, but he has also helped us out a few times."

Sam glanced through the mail. "Like when I was kidnapped by Adrian Conrad."

Jack slowly nodded his head. "And when he helped me with that slimy Kinsey."

Jack handed Sam the card and she added it to the stack already in the drawer. She pulled up a chair beside Jack and started to smile.

"What are you grinning at?"

"You have admirers around here."

"What?"

"I overheard two of the nurses talking. Apparently they think you're, as they said, handsome and sexy, even in a hospital gown."

"Yeah, right" Jack said as he looked out the window.

Sam shook her head. Jack would never understand that women found him so attractive. She had noticed how gorgeous he was the moment they met. Not only was he attractive he was also intelligent, witty, kind and caring. He could also be impatient, sarcastic, short-tempered and stubborn, but she loved everything about Jack O'Neill.

An envelope fell off of Sam's lap and Jack turned to look at her.

"What is all that?"

"It's probably get well cards." She handed him the stack.

Jack took them in his right hand, then stared at his left hand lying so still in his lap.

Sam saw his expression change and the intense look in his eyes. She knew that look and braced herself for what was coming.

Jack flung all the envelopes to the floor in anger.

Sam was silent for a few moments, then she stood from her chair, picked up all the envelopes and turned to face him.

"If you don't want to look at them, just say so."

Jack turned to face her and raised his voice. "I can't use my hand, Sam, I can't use my hand! You know what that makes me? Huh? Do you?"

Sam closed the door. "If you're going to have a tantrum, I don't think everyone in the hospital wants to hear it."

Jack stared at her. "I'm deformed!"

Sam sat down in the chair.

"You are not deformed, Jack. You haven't even started physical therapy yet. You're going to have to be patient and wait for your hand to get better and as I told you, the healing device may help."

Jack clinched his right hand. "The nerves are shot! It's not going to get better!"

"Look" she said gently "we don't know anything of the kind. We have to give it time."

"And if it doesn't heal?"

"We'll deal with it - together." She pulled her chair closer to Jack's and put her hand under his chin so that he had to look at her.

"It won't make you any less than you are."

He jerked his head away. "Yes, it will. I don't want people staring at me and not knowing what to say."

"Feeling sorry for yourself?" She knew if they didn't address this now that the situation would only get worse. "Your pride is getting in the way."

"Don't talk to me about pride, Sam. I don't have much pride left." He looked at her with pain in his eyes then stared out the window.

"So what do you think is going to happen, Jack? Do you think your friends are going to pity you? Do you think you're going to lose your job because of this? Do you think you'll be an embarrassment to the President? Do you think people are going to look at you and not see the great General Jack O'Neill?"

"Shut up!"

"Or do you think I'm going to be so embarrassed that I'll leave you? Don't have much faith in me do you?"

Jack stood, limped back to the bed, lay down and turned his back to her.

Sam knew they both needed to calm down before one of them said something they would really regret.

She stood from her chair, laid the mail on the bedside table and went to the door.

"I'm going for a walk." She opened the door and shut it behind her as she leaned against it for a moment, closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

As soon as Sam closed the door, Jack wiped the tears from his eyes. She knew that he needed some space and was giving it to him. He knew she was right, he was afraid his friends would pity him and he didn't want their pity. He was in the public eye so much he felt his disability would embarrass him. He felt too old to have to adjust to such a huge change. He would have to learn to do most things with only one hand and he would need help with others such as getting dressed, knotting a tie, cutting a steak, tying his shoes. He would have to learn to type on his computer using one hand. Just little things that he had taken for granted until now.

But what scared him most of all was losing Sam. Was she right? Did he have such little faith in their love and devotion for each other to think that she would leave him? He had always felt unworthy of her, that he didn't deserve her. He felt there were so many men that were younger and could offer her so much more than being stuck with him. He sometimes didn't understand why Sam loved him when he knew she could have any man she wanted and yet, here he was married to her and over the past two months since they had married, she seemed really happy.

If his hand did not get better, he would never get to put both hands on her face and wipe away her tears when she was sad or upset. He would never be able to put both arms around her and really hug her to show her affection, give her comfort or hold her in his arms when they made love.

He remembered their time at the cabin when they had married. For the two short days they were together, they made love as often as they felt like it. Sam knew he wasn't good with words, but he tried to show her through his actions how much he loved her. Since then, they'd had to spend all their time apart. For two months they had been separated and now here he was in the hospital. What a way to start a marriage.

Jack rolled over on his back and stared at the ceiling. He raised his right hand, ran it through his hair and swallowed the lump in his throat.

********

Sam walked slowly around the grounds of the hospital.

'How could he have such little faith in me?' she thought to herself as tears slid down her face. 'Does he not realize that I love him, no matter what? Does he not realize that I love him, even if he never gets well?'

She heard someone calling her name and turned to see General Hammond coming toward her and he could see that she was crying.

"Sam."

She tried to smile. "Hello, George."

He touched her arm. "What's wrong?"

Sam brushed the tears from her eyes, crossed her arms and looked down at the ground. "Jack and I had a fight."

"Why?"

"He's giving up already. He doesn't think his hand will get better."

"Let's sit down." They walked a few steps further down the sidewalk and sat down on a bench. "Tell me what happened."

"He doesn't think that physical therapy will help his hand. He thinks everyone is going to see him as deformed. I tried to tell him that no one will think of him that way but he won't listen. He can be so stubborn sometimes. I just don't know what to do."

They sat there for a few silent moments and George gathered his thoughts.

"Jack has always been a man of action and, as you know, in perfect health, except for the times he was injured or tortured, but he always bounced back. He knows that it may not be that way this time. Yes, Jack does have a lot of pride but he doesn't care about others' opinions. The only opinion that really matters to him is yours. Probably the thing that scares him the most is the thought of losing you, Sam. He loves you so much."

"And I love him, George. We vowed to stay together in sickness and in health. No matter how badly he's injured, I would never leave him." She put her hand to her mouth and tried not to cry.

"I know you wouldn't. You know, I watched him fall in love with you, regulations or not. He was too dedicated to the Air Force to break those regulations and he had too much respect for you to jeopardize your career. But the feelings were there just the same, and I watched him fight those feelings so many times. He didn't know how observant I was. He wasn't pulling the wool over my eyes one bit. For that matter . . . neither were you."

Sam quickly turned her head and looked at George as she started to blush.

"I could see right through both of you. Jack thought he was keeping his feelings under wraps, and to most people he covered up those feelings very well. I knew better. The day that you two first met in the briefing room, I could see the attraction and the sparks between you already. You stood up to Jack and he admired that. Over time, I saw how both of you would get when the other was injured or missing. I saw it with you when Jack was stuck on Edora. You nearly worked yourself to death to bring him home."

Sam shook her head. "I didn't know I was that obvious."

"Not to everyone, no. So many times when you were in the infirmary, Jack wouldn't leave you. Several times I had to order him to get some rest. He tried not to show it, but he was upset when you were missing on the Prometheus. He got this look in his eyes, he was a man on a mission and he was determined to find you. I sent teams to several places that we thought you might be. Jack went on every one, he hardly slept for four days. After you got back, I've never seen such relief on his face. It was as if he had been holding his breath until your return. I had worked late the night you got back and I went to the infirmary to find out how you were doing. Jack was sitting on the bed next to you, just staring at you. He didn't know I was at the door and Dr. Jackson walked up beside me. We stood there looking at you, then he whispered to me 'he loves her and he won't leave her.' He smiled at me and walked away. That was the only time that Dr. Jackson and I acknowledged the feelings between you, but we both knew and so did Teal'c. Jack sat on the bed next to you for hours, hoping you would be okay."

"After Jack took command of the SGC and you got engaged to Pete, and when I was back at the SGC for whatever reason, I could see how much he was hurting. He tried to cover up his feelings and be happy for you. Then I heard you broke your engagement and I was hoping that Jack would finally do something. When he called to tell me that you had gotten married, I'd never heard him sound so happy."

George paused for a moment.

"I know it sounds corny, Sam, but Jack wants to be your knight in shining armor. You're his life and he wants to make you happy. He feels he isn't a whole person since the accident. He's a very independent man and gives everyone the impression that he doesn't need anybody. But he needs you, more than he would ever admit. Losing you would destroy him."

George reached for Sam's hand.

"I know it's going to be hard, but give him all the love and support he needs. When he starts feeling sorry for himself, stand up to him and give him a good swift kick in the butt when he needs it, even during the times he tries to push you away. It will be hard but that's what he needs. He'll come around in time."

"Thank you" Sam whispered as she gave George a hug.

They went back to Jack's room to find him asleep so they sat down and the conversation turned to Jacob.

"Dad tried to tell me to not let rules stand in my way." Sam looked down at her hands. "He didn't come out and say it, but I could tell he didn't like Pete very much when he met him."

"Jacob had thought for a long time that Jack would be his son-in-law."

"He told you that?"

"Yes. He liked and respected him and he thought Jack was good for you. He thought your getting engaged to Pete was a big mistake. Jacob knew that either Jack would have to retire, you would have to transfer to another team or something so you could be together but Jacob thought it would work out. He wanted to live to see it happen."

"I wish he had lived to see us together."

"Me too."

"I miss Dad and I wish he were here now. I could really use his support."

Jack took a deep breath and Sam and George stood up to see if something was wrong.

"Jack, you okay?"

"I'm okay, George" Jack answered as he turned his head and stared out the window.

"Do you need anything?" Sam asked.

"No."

George and Sam sat back down and talked but Jack didn't join in the conversation.

George soon told them that he needed to leave and gave Sam a hug before he left.

Jack stared at the ceiling as Sam pulled up a chair. She wasn't sure what to say but knew that they needed to talk as she grasped his hand.

"Jack, please don't ignore me. We need to discuss this."

Jack squeezed her hand. "I'm sorry, Sam. I . . . I'm afraid . . ."

"What are you afraid of?" she gently asked.

Jack swallowed the lump in his throat. "I'm afraid of losing you."

Sam stood up and gave him a kiss, then looked into his eyes. "You are never going to lose me, Jack. I love you. I'm your wife. I want us to spend the rest of our days together. No matter what happens to you, Jack O'Neill, I will never leave you."

She glanced at his left hand. "Even if you never get back the use of your hand, I will always love you. Even if you're in a wheelchair the rest of your life, I will never leave you and will always love you."

Sam smiled. "Even when you're old and decrepit, I will still love you."

Jack tried to smile as tears came to his eyes but he quickly blinked them away. "I just can't believe this happened. We've been married just a short time, had to spend all our time apart, and now this. It doesn't seem fair."

Sam sat down beside him on the bed.

"It isn't fair, Jack, but we can't let this get us down. You need to go through therapy and as I said, the healing device may help. But we can't use it right now because if it does help, Dr. Bennett could never understand how your hand and arm could miraculously heal."

"I know. I'm sorry I was so rude to you."

Sam grinned as she put her hand to his cheek. "It's okay, honey. I guess if I were in your position, I'd lash out at you too."

Jack stared into her eyes.

"What is it, Jack?"

"I don't want to stay in Washington. I want to get well and stay here in the Springs with you."

"I'd love that but what would the President say?"

"I'm to the point I don't care what he would say. Last night I was lying here thinking about how fast our lives can be taken from us, just like the Normans' lives were taken from them."

"Jack, none of us are promised tomorrow. We just have to live in the here and now and live each day to its fullest."

Jack sighed. "I'm tired of always putting everyone else first and what's best for the planet. We've been married two months and we were together only two days. I'm certainly not getting any younger and I'm not going to be around forever. I want some peace in my life and I'm not finding that peace in Washington and not having you there with me is the hardest part."

Sam smiled. "Maybe there is something we can do . . . or I can do."

"What?"

"I want to leave Stargate Command."

"You can't!"

"Yes, I can. You're doing a great job in Washington and I don't want you to retire just yet."

Jack opened his mouth to protest but Sam put her finger to his lips to stop him. "Just hear me out, okay?"

Jack nodded his head.

"I've had a lot of time to think while sitting in our house all these nights by myself and missing you for the past two months. I agree that we need to put ourselves first for once. I know we've earned it. I don't think I would have any trouble getting a job at the Pentagon. I still have some contacts that I could talk with about working there again. If not the Pentagon, then I'm sure I could find something to do in Washington. That way we could be together and we wouldn't be missing each other all the time."

Jack breathed deeply. "I don't know what to say. Here I was ready to retire and now you spring this on me."

"Jack, if the job really is getting to you that much, then maybe you should retire. I was just trying to think of a solution that's best for us both, a way that we can be together."

"Let's wait and see how fast I heal before we make any definite decisions."

Sam smiled. "Okay."

TBC