Chapter 4, marking the first survival page based on a kombatant who was suggested by a reader! Suggested by IcedFireFrenzy, Noob Saibot! Please be aware that I do take notes of all suggested kombatants, and do them in the order I see them, however, in the interests of fairness, if more than one kombatant is suggested by the same person, I will change the order slightly to allow room for other peoples' suggestions. At the end of the chapter I will reveal the current list of suggested kombatants and the order I will do them in, although this could possibly change.
On a seperate note, I have renamed the "Hellish Creatures" section and changed it to the "Hellish Kombatants" section. Though it makes little difference, I found it still worth doing.
Enough of the notifications, enjoy the chapter!
When you think about it, Hell isn't such a nice place, and while that may be the understatement of the century, it only makes it harder to understand why anyone would want to rule such a crappy place. Noob Saibot is a resident of Hell, and wouldn't mind claiming the uncomfortably hot throne of the Netherrealm. The strange bit about Noob is his wardrobe. If you're gonna rule Hell, you really don't want to do it while wearing black, or you'll be sweating like a pig in a butcher shop, and that isn't exactly what the ruler of an entire realm would like to do. But who am I to judge? I only went down there for a couple minutes out of curiosity and got bored of all the orange and black. I went a little further and guess what I saw? More freakin' orange and black. It sucked, and I decided that I sure as hell wouldn't want to rule it. The place is a sh*thole. I think I've talked enough smack about the netherrealm now though, I'm beginning to bore myself. So yeah, Noob Saibot.
Here are five top tips to get you started on fighting Noob Saibot, corrupted being of the Netherrealm.
Number 1:
Portal Kombat? Noob's Black Holes.
There comes a point in everyone's life where they think "Wow, I really don't like that guy. I wish I could just make a portal under his feet and have him appear above me so I can smack him around like a little b*tch. My little b*tch.". Don't lie, you know you've thought that. Unless you haven't, in which case, I'd like to congratulate you on being more normal than me. But then, everyone's more normal than me because no one else begs for people to read his chapters or asks for feedback as persistently or annoyingly as I do. They also don't get knocked off track as easy as I just did. So, back on track, Noob's Black Hole is a real pain in the neck, especially when he has you land on your head, which causes a fair amount of pain in the neck. Whichever way up you appear from the portal, you're open to uppercuts, shadow attacks (we'll talk about those soon) and kombos worthy of a "Wow, you're an a**hole". Especially when HE KEEPS SPAMMING THE F**KING THING LYK A N00B!1! It doesn't even hit most of the time, it's just annoying. Just like tag-teaming in what should be a 1-on-1 fight...
Number 2:
Tag-teaming in what should be a 1-on-1 fight? Noob's strange idea of fairness.
Noob is a cheating a**hole. As much as it seems like I'm really ripping on the guy, I kinda like him. I just wish he wasn't such a douche with his fighting tactics. But alas, the broken rules of Mortal Kombat reveal yet another flaw in the tournament, 2-on-1 fights. Partnered with his dearest buddy Smoke, the pair of monochrome ninjas display their abilities in sync with one another to form quite the deadly alliance. I prefer this deadly alliance to a certain other one, but that other one may or may not have killed Liu Kang, which automatically makes Noob-Smoke more likeable in my obviously correct opinion. And no, i don't mean that, everyone has an opinion. Except you, Hsu Hao. Regardless, two heads are always better than one, making Noob-Smoke pretty freakin' dangerous. Unless you're some kind of deformed, horrific experiment that Shang Tsung has created leaving you with two heads stacked on top of one another like jenga blocks. On second thought, that wouldn't help at all, so I'll just say "they're dangerous" and leave it at that.
Number 3:
Kage bunshin no jutsu? Saibot shadow strikes.
Yes, that was a Naruto reference, and no, I feel no shame. Noob's BFF, Saibot, is capable of helping a brother out in case of wanting to do some long-range damage. Yes, it's unfair, and no, the rules don't restrict his usage of it. But considering that he can't throw damaging fireballs, ice balls or acid balls, it's only fair that he gets to lob his other half at you in a desperate effort to match the projectiles that everyone else who has ever entered the tournament has had at one point. No, really, everyone. Except Mavado, the dope. Saibot's attacks can come in the form of a slide, a rising knee or a tackle, depending on how he feels like spamming today. His spam game is almost strong enough to taste, only the spam has been left out for a couple years and tastes like donkey ass. Ass ass, if you will.
Number 4:
Who ya gonna call? Noob's Ghost Ball.
On the topic of projectiles, here is Noob's. The ghost ball doesn't sting at all, but it does stop you from raising your arms in front of yourself in any way that could resemble blocking. How does that work? Wibbly-wobbly magic, and that's all there is to it. While it is pretty dumb that you can block the thing that stops you blocking, it's still a bummer if you get hit, and with a little extra effort and some more wibbly-wobbly magic, he can make you confused, just like in pokémon. Only, you don't b*tch slap yourself "accidentally" or "accidentally" throw yourself to the ground like a sack of crap. (There is an emo joke I could make about using Cut on yourself, but I won't because most of the time, emos are genuinely nice people, contrary to what most people think and don't deserve such dumb jokes.) Noob's ghost ball just leaves you confused in the sense that you'll just wander back and forth like you're doing your weekly shopping, only forwards is running the fudge away and back is basically getting within kissing distance of Noob without meaning to, only to receive a Glasgow kiss to your face. (That's a headbutt, by the way.) Regardless, the ghost ball won't hurt, but it probably will, despite not hurting. Confused? You will be.
Number 5:
Up top, down low? The teleport slam.
You may have watched wrestling in your life and watched as one guy grabbed another guy and dropped that guy on his head via piledriver. Or, you may have played Dead Or Alive or Ninja Gaiden and observed Ryu Hayabusa perform the Izuna Drop with varying effects, from high damage to decorating the floor with his former enemies' brain meat. (Ryu Hayabusa for MK11 guest character?) Regardless, Noob does something vaguely similar, only way more annoying. Noob's teleport slam involves him launching himself into a portal and reappearing behind you to give you a cute little hug before slamming you mercilessly against the ground. Not only is this really, really frustrating when you already have a headache and already puked in the same fight, but he can pretend like he's playing Portal, using portals (obvs~) to gain momentum like in Portal when you used portals (obvs~) to get momentum so you can inevitably kill yourself "accidentally". Wow, this survival page has gotten weird. ANYWAY back on track, the teleport slam, also used by Reiko, which was just as annoying, is bad. Yet another amazing tip from moi. You're welcome.
BONUS - Number 6:
Shuriken jutsu? A ninja's most disposable weapon.
Another Naruto reference? Yup. Bi-Han, the guy who said "I am not a ninja. Scorpion was a ninja." now uses shuriken. Who else typically uses shuriken? Ninjas. Might wanna re-think your logic, buddy. Be it Hara-Kiri or using them on something other than his own face, Noob is pretty skilled with shuriken, skilled enough to kill you using shuriken alone, a feat that Ryu Hayabusa would have some difficulty doing. Among all of his weapons, from the scythe to the trollolol hammer, the shuriken are the ones he has had for the longest time, and about the only ones worth keeping. As kool as a scythe is, it's not that much use up close, and the trollolol hammer just makes him look like more of a noob. Shuriken are cool though, because ninjas are cool. And noob is cool, because he is a ninja whether he likes it or not. Odd that the one who wore blue and black would claim not to be a ninja, and says that the one who wears bright yellow and sticks out like a sore thumb is. Whatever Bi-Han got for all his birthdays up until that point, it wasn't common sense.
And there you have it. 5 (+1) tips for dealing with Noob Saibot. Thus ends this chapter of the "Hellish Kombatants" section of the survival guide.
Hope you enjoyed the chapter, and the bonus hint! I was thinking about adding a seventh point about vomiting, but there wasn't much to that point. Anyways, here is the list of kombatants suggested and the order in which they will be done! This list is based on two suggestions, three characters each. Kung Lao, Kitana and Raiden were one set, requested by a guest, and the Cage family were requested by Kynthia Olympia. Thank you both! Since I could not remember which suggestions I saw first, I used a coin flip to determine which set went first, and alternated between the two sets. Here is the list:
Kung Lao
Johnny Cage
Kitana
Sonya Blade
Raiden
Cassie Cage
I hope you can wait to see the ones you want, and I hope you're still enjoying the guide! Until next time!