Walls
Summary: Bilbo had no idea what he had gotten himself into when he joined The Company of Thorin Oakenshield, but he was much less prepared for his nephew.
Chapter 4
Fili looked down, and at first he looked nothing but confused, then it faded into a smile, but it was a sad one. He gave a laugh, but it didn't sound quite right. He finally managed to look back up at Bilbo, and nodded. "If that's what you want."
Bilbo hesitated, but then replied: "It is."
Fili gave a small bow, and then turned to go, but then stopped short and looked back. "I'm sorry. I must have gotten ahead of myself, but I felt as though..." He trailed off, then shook his head again. "It doesn't matter. Excuse me." Bilbo wanted to say something, anything, to make him feel better, even make him stay, but the only thing he could think to say, he dared not utter, and the prince disappeared behind the massive bench.
It's not your fault.
He huffed out a sigh, and let his hands rest on his hips as he stared at the ground. He then reached up, and rubbed his face with both hands, doing his best to remind himself that what he had done was for the best.
Then why did it feel so ... wrong? Why was it so hard?
The thought then occurred to him, that perhaps he owed Fili a bit more of an explanation than that. He did just save his life. Yet, he had never told anyone. In fact, he had never even said it aloud. Was that what he needed? Perhaps... but could he do it? He wasn't so sure. He felt ashamed of himself, and that feeling of longing for Bag-End engulfed him so fully, he had to sit down.
It took him a moment to pull himself together, but eventually, as some of the company started trying to remove the bench from the wall, he made his way back over to the fire. He wasn't sure if he was thankful or disappointed, but Fili was already curled up, and asleep. He loctated his things and set himself up, not too far from the prince, but it was all subconscious. He was exhausted and emotional.
As he did his best to sleep, but he could not rid himself of the thought of explaining to Fili exactly why he didn't think they should be more than friends. It was a very daunting idea, and yet somehow liberating. The thought that someone else would finally know, and hopefully understand, was comforting. He was not afraid of Fili knowing... He was afraid of telling him. Reliving it. Saying it may remind him just how real it was. His heart thumped against his chest just thinking of it.
He could not make the decision, the debate was keeping him awake, and he had to push it from his mind in order to rest, but little did he know ... a mystical forest may unintentionally help them.
...
The feeling inside Mirkwood was almost indescribable. At first, although spooky, it seemed like any other forest, but as they ventured deeper, and, just as Gandalf had warned, drew closer to water, things started to change. Bilbo felt as if the trees were slowly swaying back and forth, and it was difficult not to move with them. Everyone seemed to be slowing down, and all their movements were lethargic. Bilbo knew instantly that they had made a huge mistake venturing into the forest, and he moved towards Thorin, as best he could, and did his best to articulate his concerns.
Thorin wasn't listening, however, and continued trudging through trees, off the path. Bilbo shook his head, trying to regain himself, but it only made him even more dizzy. "No..." He said, and then leaned up and yelled as best as he could: "We must stay on the path!" He pointed to the ground beneath him, and when his voice echoed, he felt it.
"Bilbo!"
The hobbit's eyes fell down to the embankment below him, that the dwarfs had lumbered across, and there stood Fili, though Bilbo had to blink a few times to make sure. He was standing with his hand out. The other was braced on the tree behind him though his feet were planted on the ground, and slowly Bilbo waded through the tangled thoughts to concluded that the prince was feeling the same dizziness.
"Something's not right..." He said to himself.
"Bilbo!" Fili called again. "Come on. We must stay ... with the company." He had to pause in the middle to regain his balance again.
Bilbo slowly reached out, and as soon as their hands grazed slightly, Fili leaned forward, gripped it, and pulled him down, catching him by the waist, but instantly released him, and side-stepped away. If it were not for the intoxicating effect of the woods, the contact would have been startling, but his senses were numb, and honestly, when their chests connected, though only for a brief second, Bilbo felt as if it sent a wave through his whole body. Then suddenly, he sensation came over him that he had had way more than one too many glasses of wine, and when he caught eye contact with the young prince, a surge of emotion came over him.
He forgot about everything. The forest, the company, even the shining gold band in his pocket. He wanted to say a million things to him, but before he could even gather his thoughts, words started falling out of his mouth: "I'm sorry... about last night... It's ... It's not your fault."
Fili turned to him, still swaying, also forgetting the company all together, where they were, or anything outside of what was being said. "What do you mean?"
Bilbo did not think about his response for the first time ... Well, ever. "I think you're wonderful... There is no reason I have ... not to like you..." He looked at the ground, it was slowly starting to spin. "It's me..."
Fili stumbled a bit, but shook his head, trying his best to speak, and stand properly, but his forward reply was absolutely the product of the pheromones of the forest: "Something happened to you ... In your past..."
Had they been in any other place, and he in any normal state of mind, Bilbo would have been appalled, but he was numb, and for the first time since it happened, he felt like he was actually making headway in a conversation. However, he still could not bring himself to elaborate but what he did say was a massive step for him: "Yes... I have to... deal with that before..." He looked up, and when he caught the piercing blue of the prince's eyes, he had to take a deep breath. "Before I can be with anyone..."
Fili looked at him for what felt like a long time, until finally he spoke softly: "Maybe I can help you."
Bilbo instantly shook his head, slowly loosing his ability to communicate at all, and all at once the world started to faded in and out. "No..." He managed, "I'm ... sorry..."
"Why not?"
It was then, Bilbo noticed Fili was handling the effects better than he was, and suddenly he remembered that this was not the time to be talking about this. "Fili... we have to find the company..."
"Wait..!" Fili stepped forward and grabbed Bilbo's wrist to keep him from going, but then instantly remembered himself, and released him quickly. "Please ... I want to try..."
Bilbo was not coherent enough to respond. He tried step forward, but stumbled, and that was the last he remembered before the world went dark.
...
Bilbo could only wish that whatever chemical caused them to become caught in the spider's webs would help him forget the conversation, but alas... He remembered every word, and assumed the prince did as well. Now, the company had been captured by elves, and the tired, humiliated hobbit was stalking around in enemy territory, hoping to find a way to rescue 13 dwarves.
He'd never been more thankful for the ring.
He found a nice dark corner to hide in, watching the guards that held the keys drink, laugh, and talk to each other. He knew it would not be long before he could sneak over and snag the keys, but he took advantage of the moment to catch his breath, and regain himself for the first time since they entered that cursed forest.
If there was any question about the tention between himself and the golden prince, it was certainly answered now. In a way, Fili had announced it, and Bilbo had not given him a real answer. Now, look at where they had ended up. It only reminded the hobbit just how inappropriate of a time it was to even be considering such things. He couldn't need his focus any more, and yet he was very distracted.
As he watched the elf guards slowly grow more and more intoxicated, he concluded that he had a decision to make. One that would alter the course of the quest, if not the rest of his life. Fili wanted to have some kind of romantic relationship. He'd made that clear. That was more than anyone had done in a very long time, and yet ... Bilbo wasn't quite sure if the forest had cause him to speak nonsense, and he also just didn't know if he was ready, even after all those years. Could he really be free of the memories? Even so, would it even be possible with everything they had to deal with on the quest? What about Thorin? He certainly didn't need another reason to dislike Bilbo, and this would probably push him over the edge.
Then Bilbo came to a conclusion that gave him mixed feelings: He should simply wait.
Once the quest came to an end, if they were still alive, that is, they could think clearly about what they wanted to do. Fili could have some time to get over this infatuation with Bilbo being 'new', and the hobbit had time to come to terms with the whole idea. He still wasn't sure if he felt that way about the prince... then a stern voice in his head reminded him that he wouldn't be in such turmoil over someone he felt nothing for. Come on, Bilbo, you're no fool.
However the idea of putting the wall back up was almost painful. He had taken a step with Fili he hadn't taken with anyone in a very long time. Actually, though he had not given any details, it was the first time he had admitted the incident in words. Could he really take it all back now, and tell the prince he'd just have to wait? He felt as though that's what he had to do. For the sake of the quest, which was more important than personal feelings, they should put the emotions aside.
He was brought out of his thoughts by a loud snore coming from the table. The elves were fast asleep, cups rolling on the floor beneath them. Bilbo looked all around several times, knowing there was no room for error, then slowly moved over, lifted the keys off the hook, and tip-toed out of the cellar, making a mental note of the barrels atop a trap door, and where the lever was located.