Priorities
Barry's horror with his actions didn't last long. As the drug travelled through his bloodstream, crackling through his veins like lightning, Barry's mind dismissed all thoughts of guilt. He didn't care about the potential consequences. All he could focus on now was the way he felt. It was so much more than just the speed. It was the feeling of being connected to everything around him, the same way he felt when he had been struck by lightning.
It was both scary and exhilarating at the same time.
Barry buzzed with both electricity and excitement. There was no one here to stop him this time. No one to force him to stay lying on a medical bed. No one to hit him with speed dampener when he ran too fast. He could experience the full effects of the V9 without any inhibitions this time. He could do whatever he wanted.
And Barry wanted to run.
He was out of STAR Labs in an instant, surging through the city at impossible speeds. He moved so fast, he could hardly see the cars and buildings surrounding him. Everything else just melted away as he finally unleashed his full power. He could finally access that pool of speed force energy that had been locked away inside him.
Nothing was better than this. Nothing in the world could make him feel this alive. He felt invincible as he ran, like nothing could touch him. There were no limits, not for him. Nothing was impossible. There was nothing holding him back. No mountain too high. No valley too deep. He could accomplish anything.
Running. It was all he could think about. Barry flew through the city, focusing only on the ground beneath his feet, the wind whipping past his face, and the lightning euphorically crackling through his veins.
He ran until he lost all sense of time.
All sense of himself.
"Barry!" a voice shouted, breaking through his veil of unconsciousness.
Barry's eyes cracked open a sliver, and the ceiling of his bedroom slowly reached his awareness, as did the pounding on his bedroom door.
"Dammit, Barry! Get up!" Joe ordered through the door, "You're going to be late again, and I am not covering for you with the captain this time!"
Barry let out a soft groan as he turned over in bed. As soon as he moved, however, he sucked in a painful breath. His body hurt like hell! Barry looked down at himself and realized he was still in his Flash suit, laying on top of the covers instead of under them. He closed his eyes with a sigh, rubbing his temples. He must have passed out with his suit on after Flash duty.
Barry's eyes suddenly snapped open.
It all came rushing back to him then. Walking through the cortex, staring at the door to Caitlin's office, frantically searching the room for V9.
Injecting the red substance into his vein.
Barry's heart pounded painfully in his chest.
"What did I do?" he whispered to himself in anguish.
"Barry!" Joe called through the door again, "Did you hear me? You're going to be—"
"I heard you, Joe," Barry groaned, sitting up in bed, "I'm up. I'll be ready in a few."
As soon as he sat up in bed, though, he felt all the blood drain from his face. His heartbeat pounded painfully in his ears as he clutched his head.
"God," Barry said softly to himself, rubbing his eyes.
He felt like shit. His head felt like it was going to split in two, and his entire body felt drained and lethargic. It took everything Barry had just to stand up from the bed. When he did, he was able to fully feel the soreness in his legs. Barry sucked in a strained breath. His leg muscles felt as if they had been torn to shreds. Just how much running had he done last night? He couldn't even remember coming home.
How could he have done this? How could he have taken the V9 again? He had promised them he was done with it! What the hell was running through his head when he jammed that needle into his arm?!
A better question was, what the hell had happened last night?
All Barry could remember was injecting the V9 and then running. Running. It was all he could remember. It was all just a blur of twisting streets and back country roads. And lightning. So much lightning.
Barry had to hold back a groan as he started to get ready, moving at a normal pace. His mind felt like it was in a haze as he climbed into the shower. He couldn't really process this right now, what he had done. His head hurt too much and thinking about it was draining. Just standing upright was draining. He couldn't feel his speed. Normally, he could always feel his speed bubbling just below the surface, fueling him throughout the day. He couldn't feel it now, though.
All he felt was the exhaustion.
He was too exhausted to process everything right now, so he just didn't.
"Morning," Barry mumbled as he entered the kitchen, where Joe was pouring himself a cup of coffee.
Barry walked over to the cupboard to grab a mug and then beelined for the coffee maker to pour a cup for himself. He didn't notice Joe's eyes on him until he set the pot down and took his first sip. Joe was giving him a strange look.
"What?" Barry asked.
Joe just shook his head.
"You look like shit," he said, furrowing his eyebrows at Barry.
"Thanks," Barry said, taking another sip of his coffee.
"Seriously, Barry," Joe said, a hint of worry in his voice now, "Are you feeling okay?"
"Fine," Barry sighed, "Just a little tired, that's all."
Joe gave him a calculating look.
"You ran all night, didn't you?" he asked seriously.
Barry's fingers tightened around his mug.
"Just some late night training at STAR Labs," he said quietly, his eyes shifting to the side.
He wasn't sure if he should tell Joe the truth or not. He really didn't want to tell him that he had taken the V9 again. He was afraid of how Joe would react. He knew Joe would immediately start freaking out, and there would probably be a lot of yelling involved. He would overreact and think Barry was addicted or something. They all had already voiced their concerns about that possibility. Barry didn't need to worry them more by telling them what he had done. He wasn't addicted. He knew that. He had just had a slip up. He was still completely in control. He knew that, but they would probably see it differently. They'd all start jumping to conclusions and berate him about it.
No. It was better not to even get them worked up about it. He was perfectly fine. He wasn't going to do it again, anyways, so why even tell them about it?
"You need to stop that, Barry," Joe chastised, "I know you're upset that things didn't work out with the V9, but you're not doing yourself any favors by overcompensating for it. At some point, training this much becomes counterproductive. Your speed will increase with time. You just have to be patient."
Barry nodded slowly, his throat going dry.
"Do you think you can give me a ride to work?" he asked then, wanting to change the subject, "I don't feel like running today."
Joe's eyebrows furrowed slightly, his eyes raking over Barry, taking in his appearance.
"Maybe you should stay home today, Bar," he said gently, "Take the day off to rest."
"I feel fine," Barry lied.
"Bar, the captain's going to take one look at you and send you home," Joe said seriously, "It's okay to take the day off to rest. I'll cover for you."
Barry's lips twitched.
"I thought you weren't going to cover for me this time," he reminded him.
Joe laughed lightly at that.
"Don't start getting smart with me," he chuckled, "Now, you go upstairs and go back to bed. Get some rest. No training today, promise?"
Barry nodded seriously.
"Promise," he said softly.
He couldn't train even if he wanted to.
He did, however, go to STAR Labs after Joe left for work. As much as he wanted to go back to sleep, Barry had to be sure there was no evidence left behind from last night's escapades.
It was a good thing he went, too, because when he slipped into Caitlin's office, unseen by the others, it was to find the room in shambles. Shelves were displaced, supplies were overturned, and the shattered pieces of the glass vial from last night were still scattered on the floor. Barry stared at the room in shock. Had he really been so focused on getting his fix that he hadn't paid any mind to the state of the room he had been searching?
Barry used the little energy he had to speed about the room, cleaning up the mess to return the room to the state Caitlin had left it in. He was just lucky she hadn't gone in there before him this morning. Thankfully, Caitlin spent most of her time in the cortex and rarely retreated to her office.
As he finished fixing Caitlin's office, Barry's mind finally started to clear. The gravity of what he had done started to really hit him now. He had taken V9. After promising to himself and the others he wasn't going to do it again, he had taken it. He had caved in to his impulses. Maybe this was a problem.
Barry gave himself a small shake. No. He didn't have a problem. He had just slipped a little. He had made a mistake. He had been training too hardly lately, not getting enough sleep. He hadn't been thinking clearly at the time. It was a one-time mistake. One that he wouldn't make again.
Even if he was craving to.
Barry gazed longingly at the medical fridge in the corner of Caitlin's office. He knew there were eleven more vials of V9 inside it, just waiting to be injected, ready to give him that feeling of speed and elation again. Barry pulled his eyes away from the fridge. No. He wasn't going to take it again. He wasn't going to take shortcuts. He was going to increase his speed the natural way. By training. He wasn't going to give in to his impulses. He was stronger than that.
He was better than that.
Still, Barry couldn't help but be curious. He wanted to know just how fast he had run last night.
"What are you doing here?" Cisco asked when Barry entered the cortex, "Why aren't you at work?"
"I have the day off," Barry answered shortly, supplying no further explanation.
He made his way to one of the computers behind the desk then, entering in his login ID to access the suit's telemetry reading history.
"Are you feeling okay?" Caitlin asked, glancing up from her microscope to frown at him, "You look a little worn out."
"I'm fine," Barry dismissed quickly, not looking up from his computer, "Just didn't get a lot of sleep."
Out of the corner of his eye, Barry could see Cisco and Caitlin exchanging looks with each other. He ignored them, though. As soon as the data from last night appeared on the screen in front of him, it was all Barry could focus on.
"Mach four-point-eight," he whispered to himself, a smile of disbelief forming on his face.
He had never gone anywhere near that fast before. He had not only finally surpassed mach four, but now he was almost up to mach five, a speed he had never even considered himself capable of. Barry stared at the numbers in front of him, hardly believing they were real.
"Whatcha looking at?" Cisco asked curiously, moving towards the desk.
Barry quickly used his speed-typing abilities to wipe away the information. He couldn't let the others see it. How was he going to explain to them how he managed to nearly double his speed overnight? They would put two and two together for sure. They would know he cheated and took the V9 again.
"N-nothing," Barry answered quickly, "Just tracking my progress for this week."
Cisco nodded and looked down at the screen with a small sigh.
"Still stuck at two-point-seven?" he sighed.
"Yeah," Barry muttered, his eyes shifting to the side.
Cisco nodded and clapped a hand on his shoulder.
"Don't worry, man," he said, "You'll break through your plateau eventually. You just need to be patient."
"And you need to take care of yourself," Caitlin added, "I know you want to train, but rest is just as important, Barry."
Barry's lips twitched.
"Joe said the same thing," he said quietly.
"You should listen to him," Caitlin said seriously.
She frowned at him then.
"Are you sure you're just tired, Barry?" she asked worriedly, "You look really pale."
"I'm fine," Barry repeated, "I just didn't sleep much."
"Have you been eating enough?" she persisted, "You look like you're more than just tired."
Barry nodded slowly. Now that he thought of it, he was really hungry. He hadn't eaten anything in over twelve hours. Normally, he always ate a ton of food after training late at night like that, but he must have gone to bed on an empty stomach. It didn't make any sense. After all the running he had done, why wouldn't he have restocked on calories before turning in for the night? As he considered the V9, though, he realized it was a stimulant more than anything. In general, stimulant drugs, like cocaine and meth, had the tendency to ramp up energy while suppressing appetite. The V9 must have had a similar effect on him last night.
Now that he was without the V9 in his system, Barry was ravenous.
"I'm going to go get something to eat," Barry said, standing up from the desk, "I'll see you guys later."
Before either of them could say anything, Barry flashed out of the cortex. He didn't go back to STAR Labs again that day. He went home, ate his weight in food, and then passed out in bed for several hours, sleeping off his V9 hangover. By that evening, he almost felt back to normal. He didn't feel quite right, though. Physically, he felt less drained, and his torn, sore muscles had healed, but he still didn't feel like himself.
He didn't feel complete.
The gnawing ache he had been feeling all week had now returned with a vengeance, stronger and more insistent than ever. Barry now fully recognized the craving it for what it was.
His body was craving more V9. It wasn't just mental. It was physical.
As Barry laid in bed that night, he felt more conflicted than he had ever felt in his life. He had reasonably vowed to himself that he wasn't going to take the V9 ever again. It was the most obvious choice he could make, and he had been content with that decision.
And then he saw those numbers…
Mach five. He was so close. Barry knew that if he continued taking the V9, he would eventually surpass mach five, and God only knew how much faster he would get from there. The numbers were titillating. The possibilities in front of him were enough to make him reconsider his reasons for not taking the V9. It was hard to reason against taking it with those numbers floating around in his head.
It was just the speed. It had nothing to do with the way the drug made him feel. He wasn't letting emotions cloud his judgement. This was purely objective. Purely logical.
Really, it was about the good of the city. That was the only thing that should matter here, the only thing he should be considering. What was best for everyone else? That was the V9, right? The V9 made him faster, and therefore made him a better hero. It was simple logic. The V9 was a good thing. The rest of his team just couldn't see that. They were blinded by their concern for his health.
Barry's priorities were different, though. First of all, he would place the safety of Central City above his own wellbeing any time. What was more important? The safety of an entire city or the health of one man? To Barry, that answer was simple.
Secondly, Barry wasn't so sure that his health even was threatened by the V9. Yeah, the comedowns had him feeling like shit, but he bounced back, didn't he? He recovered from it just fine. The others were just overreacting. Caitlin was concerned about his heart more than anything, but Barry was fine. He had run all night, and his heart hadn't given out like Caitlin had warned him it would. Maybe his heart had only been in danger that first time because his body had been adjusting to the V9 in his system. He was perfectly acclimated to it now, though.
No. Barry wasn't too worried about his physical health. It was his mental health that concerned him the most. Addiction was still a possibility here, and the last thing Barry wanted was to mess up his life by getting hooked on some speed drug.
That wasn't going to happen to him though, right? He wasn't taking the V9 to get high; he was taking it to be a better hero. It was like pain medication. It was perfectly fine for people to take things like Vicodin or Percocet when they needed it for pain. Addiction was more likely in cases where people were abusing it recreationally. Taking it for a valid purpose, though, was perfectly acceptable.
And Barry's reasons for taking V9 were valid. He wasn't taking it recreationally to get high. Like a post-surgical patient who takes narcotics for pain, he was taking V9 for speed. For the ability to help people. He wasn't trying to abuse it for his own satisfaction. He wasn't some V9 junkie. He was the Flash. He was the perfect role model for responsibility and integrity. He wasn't some drug addict.
And even if he was, even if he did start to depend on the V9, wasn't it still worth it? Even if he did get addicted to the substance, that didn't mean the drug was a bad thing, not if it made him a better hero. Barry still didn't think he was going to get addicted to the V9, but either way, if addiction was the worst case scenario, Barry would take it if it meant keeping people safe.
Obviously, he was going to do everything in his power to avoid becoming dependent on the V9. He was going to keep taking it, though. His mind was decided now. He was going to continue experimenting with the V9.
And he wasn't going to tell the others.