The days that followed settled back into the regular routine;
The captains and their squad members continued on with their rigorous training in preparation for the coming conflict with the Choshu.
It was inevitable at this point-particularly in Hijikata-san and Kondo-san's opinion and the last thing they wanted was for their men to confront the Choshu being any less than at their best.
This would possibly be the most critical battle of the revolution so far-the shinsengumi were determined to come out ontop; the Shogun depended on their ability to pull off a complete victory and they vowed to give nothing less.
As for Chizuru, her wounds had finally healed and therefore, her days returned to their normal routine. However, this wasn't altogether welcoming-particularly concerning a certain violet-haired, blue-eyed samurai.
Ever since that night between them, things seemed to only be going backwards; reverting back to the way they had always been before. Saito returned to his normal stoic persona and treated Chizuru with the same casual indifference he had shown her previously.
It was almost as if nothing had ever happened!
This troubled Chizuru; had she been mistaken in Saito's regard for her?
Had it all been a complete misunderstanding?
Perhaps he had never held any inclination for her beyond that of a superior towards his subbordinates; afterall, she had become a member of the Shinsengumi and was expected to teat the captains with the same respect and honor that befitted a Shinsengumi soldier.
Maybe I misread his intentions? I mean he was certainly concerned about my wellbeing but...then again so is everyone else! It's not like we've ever had a special bond to begin with...not like the ones I have with Shinpachi-san, Harada-san and Heisuke-kun.
She frowned sadly to herself, coming to the inevitable realization that whatever sentiments or feelings she'd thought Hajime Saito had towards her, were nothing more than a result of her own foolish misinterpretations. Hajime Saito held the same regard for her as an honorable samurai would hold towards his fellow comrades-nothing more and nothing less.
She sighed despondently-deep disappointment sweeping over her as she realized her own foolish mistake.
As if Hajime Saito could ever look at me that way-how could I have been so stupid?
However, these troubling thoughts were not left long to ponder as her daily responsibilites of cleaning, cooking and other housework, seemed to double as mid-June brought upon them the blazing, merciless heat of summer. Soon enough, they were pushed to the back of her mind and forgotten as she focused on the mounting tasks ahead. There seemed to be no end to soiled laundry needing washing or muddy floors needing to be mopped and polished. With the onset of this immense heat, it seemed the men trudged in more sweat and filth with them in one month, than they ever had over the course of an entire year!
But for herself, Chizuru didn't mind. It gave her a purpose and she was always happiest when she was performing acts of service.
On this particular day, she was treading carefully down the hall with a large basket of freshly-washed bed linens piled high above her head, on her way to the clothes line. She rounded a corner and nearly collided with the broad chest of Shinpachi who managed to effortlessly catch the basket of laundry in one hand and reach out to steady her with the other.
"Whoa! Easy there, Chizuru-chan; you know you should really ask for help more often!" He ruffled her hair playfully, flashing her his wide grin as she steadied herself and looked up at him.
"Oh! Shinpachi-san I'm so sorry! I guess I was trying to carry a little too much-"
"Uh really, you think? Tch, com'on I've got this." He carried the basket the rest of the way for her outdoors and once they'd reached the side of the engawa, he set the basket down at the start of the line.
She thanked him and then taking up a sheet she tossed the one end over the line and began to spread it out so it could air out evenly.
Shinpachi settled himself on the end of the porch nearest her, sprawled on his back as he looked up at the clear blue sky, gnawing on a long piece of weat. "It's a scortcher out here today; you probably shouldn't be out in the sun right now Chizuru-chan."
She laughed, tossing a care-free smile over her shoulder at him. "Really, Shinpachi-san you make it sound as if I've never worked a day in my life! I am the daughter of Kodou yukimura-his only daughter; housework isn't strange to me and definitely not hard work like this; I've weathered many a hot days like this one and it hasn't killed me yet!" She pressed her fingers to her mouth, giggling warmly.
"Okay but seriously; I saw you back there, you were carrying a load that was probably twice your weight! You've gotta take it easy especially when it's hot like this-and ask. for. help." He punctuated each word by jabbing a finger at her pointedly.
The two fell silent after a time and soon, Shinpachi noticed Chizuru's brow furrowed deeply as she got lost in thought.
"What's on your mind, Chizuru-chan?"
She paused, gnawing on her lip nervously. "It's just-it's not that I don't enjoy my work; I truly do! But I just-often times wonder if I'm really making any difference." She clasped her hands in front of her, her eyes saddening as she looked away.
"Chizuru-chan, what on earth?"
"Well it's just that-I'm a woman. But I dress myself as a man, yet there really is no one purpose or place for me in this world! I'm a member of the Shinsengumi and I take care of you all, yes but it's not as if I'm out there changing the world with my sword; you all do so much for this country and for all of us! -Yet all I can do to pay you back is to what, clearn your house, wash your laundry and cook for you?"
She shook her head dejectedly, her hands falling limply to her sides. "I just don't see how that's even remotely sufficient thanks for-everything you've done for me."
Little did Chizuru and Shinpachi realize that there was a lone figure quietly observing them from across the compound.
Hajime Saito had spent many tireless hours in strenuous training that morning. But as soon as the sun had reached it's apex, he'd decided to take a break and wait for the hottest part of the day to pass. He'd only just come from the dojo and was quietly making his way across to the house when he'd heard voices coming from the far side of the engawa. Stopping just in the shadow of the Sakura tree he'd caught sight of Shinpachi and Chizuru deep in conversation.
He kept himself concealed and though they were nearly thirty feet beyond him, he could clearly hear their voices.
"-Yet all I can do to pay you back is what, clean your house, wash your laundry and cook for you?"
He'd overheard most of their conversation and was stunned at how Chizuru was apparently struggling with feelings of undervalue and uselessness.
How could she even think of herself as so little worth? Had she already forgotten how she'd saved his life just a few weeks ago, braving the sword of a Rasetsu without any thought to her own wellbeing? She'd shown more courage than ten samurai and he'd told her so. Did she think he was patronizing her?
Saito never wasted words on needless flattery; whatever came out of his mouth was always of utmost importance and came from the heart.
He couldn't understand why she felt so lost and incomplete.
Just then, His eyes caught Shinpachi reaching up his hand to pet Chizuru's head affectionately.
He knew it was wrong for him to feel this way-Shinpachi's affection towards Chizuru was nothing more than what an older brother would feel towards his little sister and so the gesture was completely innocent.
But all the same he couldn't quell the feeling of sharp jealousy that welled up inside of him and he clenched his fist as his eyes darkened to an icy cobalt.
The fact that Shinpachi was touching her without hesitation and so openly, was enough to make Hajime curse under his breath and his blood boiled with resentment.
Unable to watch the 'intimate' exchange any longer, he tore his eyes away and angrily stalked off towards the Shofuso.
That evening at dinner, Hajime rarely spoke a word as the rest of the captains-along with Chizuru-chatted away excitedly.
At length, he excused himself and went to his room. Kneeling before his desk, he opened a drawer and pulled out a small stack of rice paper leaflets along with his drawing palatte. making his way out of doors, he settled himself on one of the thin cusioned matts on the the engawa and pulled out a sheet of paper.
Taking out a small piece of chiseled coal he laid the sheet on the palatte and began to brushing fluid feather-light strokes across the canvas.
It was known to very few that Saito had an artistic flare; only a few of the captains knew, like Shinpachi and Hijikata but they never once pressed him further on the matter-despite their curiosity as to just what Saito kept in that small leather scroll binder of his, they respected Hajime's right to his privacy-and he was a very private man indeed.
He was thankful for his comrade's respect and often smiled to himself when he thought of just how they might react if they were privy to the subject of his drawings.
His eyes focused on the page before him as he brushed more fluid strokes;
The shape of a pair of eyes came into view-wide, doe-like eyes framed in lucious long lashes.
More fluid strokes.
A pert nose followed by a pair of dainty full lips slightly curved upwards into a sweet smile as the face of a young woman took shape.
Next was the delicate curve of the cheekbones flowing into a jawline and meeting at the apex of a tiny chin.
Then it sloped into a slender neck coming to a stop just below the curve of the shoulders.
Lastly, came the hair; a full set of chestnut bangs dusted across the narrow forehead, lightly covering the finely shaped brows that had an appeasing slightly upwards arc to them.
More delicate strokes followed as he drew the image of the hair pulled back into a high ponytail with a few stray chestnut strands framing her face.
Hajime's eyes squinted in hard focus as he drew each meticulous line with flawless perfection. He'd lost himself in the moment and soon, hours had ticked by before he made the final stroke that completed his sketch.
He held it in front of him, observing it's completion and was pleased at how he'd executed the precise likeness of her.
Chizuru...
Yes, from the wide doe-like eyes to the pair of full pink lips and the chestnut hair, it was a flawless reflection of her.
Just then, his thoughts were interrupted by the crackling of rice paper as she shoji door slid open.
Noislessly, he rolled up the drawing, sliding it in with the rest of his sketches, and returned the leather-bound scroll inside the sleeve of his kimono.
His sapphire eyes slid discreetly to the side where he spotted none other than Chizuru walking out with the pot of leftover green tea. Crouching down, she poured out the remaining contents underneath the steps then straightened up, massaging her tired, aching shoulders.
Saito didn't speak a word as he silently watched her petite form while she paused momentarily, gazing up at the stars.
Chizuru sighed as she gazed up longingly at the star-studded sky.
For most of the night, her thoughts had been consumed with Hajime Saito and it had taken every last shred of her will not to stare at him during dinner.
After Hajime had excused himself-earlier than usual-she'd only sat mutely through the rest of dinner, too absorbed in her own thoughts to join in on the conversation.
After the dishes had been cleared, she'd taken a welcomed opportunity to get some fresh air as she disposed the last remnants of green tea.
At the thought of the handsome, violet-haired samurai, her heart constricted painfully and she let out a defeated sigh. "Honestly, how stupid can I be; I should just forget that it ever happened-" She spoke quietly to herself as she turned around to head back inside.
"Forget that what ever happened?"
She gasped and her head shot up at the familiar voice.
Hajime was seated off to the side, his upper body and face mostly concealed in the shadows but she caught the trade-mark flash of his expressionless sapphire eyes and her throat tightened as she froze.
"S-Saito-san! I didn't see you-"
He stood to his feet, never taking his eyes off her startled gaze. "Forgive me, I saw you when came out but I chose not to say anything."
"O-Oh. I see."
He eyed her curiously as she averted her eyes to the floor and nervously wrung her hands.
"It is a warm night-and uncommonly peaceful." He observed as he looked out towards where the fireflies flitted amongst the Sakura trees.
Chizuru nodded but didn't say anything; she was too scared and frankly didn't trust her voice to speak steadily so she merely kept her eyes trained to the floor.
"You seemed unusually distracted at dinner this evening; I hope everything is alright, Chizuru-chan." He eyed her earnestly but she still refused to meet his eyes.
This was starting to irritate him...
Chizuru was never this withdrawn and it particularly bothered him that her silence was directed at him.
"Chizuru-chan. Look at me." He commanded firmly.
She gasped, her head snapping up to look at him.
He stared at her for a long moment.
Something was wrong.
There was a look in her eyes-a very despondent and defeated expression that was extremely uncommon for her and he didn't like the depressed aura that eminated from her.
"Something is bothering you, Chizuru-chan; you're not yourself."
Her eyes widened and she looked frightened as she shook her head. "N-nothing's wrong. I'm perfectly fine, I assure you!" She attempted to brighten her countenance but her forced smile never reached her eyes.
"Do not patronize me, Chizuru-chan; I am not one to be taken for a fool. You should know it is pointless to lie to me." He warned.
But she refused to come clean and only shook her head again. "Nothing is wrong with me. I'm fine. Excuse me, Saito-san." She walked past him but his hand shot out and grabbed her wrist, firmly stopping her in her tracks.
He couldn't say exactly why he'd felt the need to stop her from leaving. The fact that she openly lied to him a second time and then tried to walk away disturbed him exceedingly and the sudden urge to keep her from leaving was reflexive.
Instinctually, he grabbed her wrist, haulting her.
She turned surprised chocolate brown eyes on him and he knew she wasn't prepared for him to stop her from leaving.
"Do not lie to me again and then walk away, Chizuru-chan. I won't have it."
She gasped, looking at his hardened indigo stare. "I don't understand what you want from me-Saito-san."
"I want the truth, Chizuru-chan."
"I don't know why when it has nothing to do with you." She uttered in an almost challenging tone.
He narrowed his eyes at the snide undertone in her voice and his grip tightened around her wrist. "If it has nothing to do with me then there should be no need to lie to me-unless it does concern me which would then mean you are purposely hiding something from me."
She let out a shaking breath but did not answer.
"You seem to converse very openly with Shinpachi-kun and the others, I do not understand how I should be any different."
Her eyes widened in shock. "W-what? What is that supposed to mean?"
He didn't answer but she caught a distinctive change in his expression and something clicked in her head.
"Are you-are you referring to earlier today; were you listening to my conversation with Shinpachi-san?"
He looked away but she thought she detected slight guilt reflected in his dark eyes.
"I was passing by-I may have caught a few phrases."
"Shinpachi-san has always been-someone easier for me to talk to-I suppose that's because he was the first one to befriend me when I first came here. I guess he, Harada-san and Heisuke-kun could be considered my closest friends-"
He dropped her hand then, suddenly turning his back from her. "I see."
She eyed him curiously; he was acting so strange and why should the fact that she was more open with Shinpachi-san, bother him so much?
She bit her lip then ventured nearer to him. "Is-is there a reason why my openness with them offends you?"
"It does not offend me-it was simply a question borne from unbias curiosity."
"Then-why did you turn your back on me just now?"
He didn't responded, gritting his teeth. She was getting under his skin and he couldn't allow it.
"Forget I ever mentioned it. I won't pry into your personal matters again."
It was his turn to walk past her only this time her tiny fingers wrapped around his and he froze, his eyes widening as he gasped.
He looked down at her and her doe-like eyes were gazing up at his apologetically.
"I am sorry, Saito-san-I know you won't admit it but I know I offended you-or h-hurt you and I never meant to."
He continued to stare at her, becoming lost in the depths of her warm brown eyes.
She hung her head, struggling to find the right words. "I just-I have things that I'm-completely confused about and I-I just don't really know what my purpose is o-or-where my place is in this world. And it troubles me-and keeps me up some nights."
She was opening up to him and this time he knew it was honest.
Seeing her eyes deepen with saddness as she expressed how lost she felt, disturbed him and his chest began to ache at the sight of tears gathering in her eyes.
He reached out and petted her head affectionately, allowing his sapphire eyes to soften as he looked at her. "Your purpose in life is to bring light to the lives of those who are drowning in darkness-and as for your place in this world, you should already know the answer to that question, Chizuru-chan."
His hand slid down and tenderly cupped her cheek, his thumb lightly caressing her skin as he spoke earnestly. "Your place is here. With us. And it always will be. You will never be alone for we are always-by your side."
Her cheeks flushed a bright red as she felt the warmth of his fingertips against her skin.
These were the kinds of moments that left her confused.
His unguarded nearness to her and the uncharacteristic warmth in his eyes as he spoke to her, left her breathless and grasping for answers.
I don't understand; this warmth is so unlike him-and the way he touches me seems so intimate but it's Saito, he's not intimate and seldom openly warm-what am I missing?
This feeling bubbling up in her chest, she'd come to recognize but it still caused considerable confusion. She knew Hajime Saito held no particular regard for her so why would his nearness and his touch evoke such strong feelings from her?
It made no sense.
She knew she was falling in love with him but regardless, she had already resigned herself to the fact that these feelings were completely one-sided.
So why would Hajime Saito still affect her like this? Why was it that his behavior towards her left her confused and in constant doubt of the nature of his intentions?
He doesn't love you-he doesn't even look at you as a man would to a woman so stop fooling yourself and move on!
Her inner voice chidded her.
I know!...but...I can't...
Just then, Saito's voice brought her out of her revery.
"You're crying, Chizuru-chan."
"What-?" She breathed a barely audible whisper; then she felt wetness against her cheeks and reached up tentative fingers to her cheeks.
"Oh I-I didn't even realize." She looked blankly at the drops glistening on her fingertips.
Saito narrowed his eyes, watching her earnestly.
He knew the wheels of her mind were turning and whatever it was that consumed her thoughts was confusing and painful to her.
He hated seeing her in such pain but he resolved not to push for more information; he didn't want to give himself away afterall...
His thumb brushed away the last few stray tears as his expression returned to its previously serene state.
"There is no need for tears; remember what I told you Chizuru-chan; you will never be alone and you will always have all of us."
She nodded and for the first time, her brown eyes brightened a little and she smiled up at him sweetly. "You are quite certain then?"
He furrowed his brows at her. "Certain?"
"Yes, about what you said, I mean. That I will never be alone and that everyone will always be by my side?"
He cocked a brow at her, not understanding where this was going. "I am always certain. Are you doubting my promise?"
"No! Of course not!" She bit her lip, feeling exceedingly bashful as she prepared to ask perhaps the boldest of questions. "So I will always have everyone with me. Does-does that include you, Saito-san?"
His eyes suddenly widened and he was taken aback by her wide, innocent eyes as they gazed up at him, begging for an answer.
He was at a loss. Why is she asking this? 'Everyone' naturally implies that no one is excluded; I don't understand why she needs a-more specific affirmation.
He tried again. "W-well I did say 'everyone'-the word speaks for itself."
She took a step towards him and there was barely half a foot of space between them now as she rested a tentative hand on his chest.
Saito held his breath.
His heart hammered loudly and he braced himself, trying desperately to remain composed. Dear God, what is she doing?! She shouldn't be-touching me-like this-it may be innocent to her but-she doesn't know what she's doing to me-damn it!
He gritted his teeth, agonizingly awaiting her response and trying to ignore the delicious pressure of her small hand pressed against him.
"So you are promising that you will always be by my side then, right?"
Her fingers shifted ever so slightly against him as she waited for his answer.
He gulped heavily; the slight shift in her fingers nearly causing him to come undone as he forced out an answer. "Yes, Chizuru-chan."
Her cheeks reddened even more as her lips parted. "Then say it. Promise me-that you will always be there with me-and that you'll never leave me."
Saito was inwardly shaking; his emotions were overpowering him and he feared Chizuru might see through the chinks in his perfectly-constructed armor that she was no unwittingly weakening with each passing second.
This woman.
This tiny, fragile, delicate, innocent and strong woman-is going to be the end of me.
But Hajime Saito was powerless to fight it-at least for the moment. She had such a strong power over him without even trying and despite his greatest efforts, he couldn't leave her without giving her the answer-the promise-that she seemed to desire so strongly.
I don't understand why she is so earnest-but I will not leave her without an answer-to hell, if it kills me.
And with that, Hajime raised his sapphire gaze to Chizuru and looked her straight in the eye. "I promise to always be at your side, Chizuru-chan and to never leave you."
Suddenly, these words alone weren't adequate enough for Hajime; he had so much more that he wanted to say and this promise alone didn't even come close to equating the depth of feeling he held for her.
Perhaps he was being careless and foolish; this could undo every carefully laid strategy he had constructed to keep Chizuru at arm's length and his feelings for her concealed.
But in that moment, none of it seemed to matter-Chizuru's happiness meant much more to him than anything else-even if he risked her discovering his secret, resulting in inevitable rejection, he would take that chance if it meant she would be happy.
Taking a knee, he bowed before her and with his hand on the hilt of his katana, made a solemn vow.
"And I swear-on my honor that no harm will ever come to you; as long as I live I will always protect you with every breath in my body-and I will give my life to keep you safe. This is my vow to you, Chizuru-chan and it can never be broken."
His cheeks burned a furious red as he spoke the words and he only hoped that Chizuru wouldn't notice.
"-Hajime-san." Chizuru was breathless and overwhelmed beyond words. This was more than what she had ever asked of him, nor did she ever expect he would make such a vow to her of all people.
"I-I-I don't even know-what to say."
Hajime smiled at the uncharacteristic use of his name and offered a rare, warm smile up at her from where he knelt before her. "There is no need to say anything-Chizuru-chan. It is a promise that I have made to you-of my own freewill and it is one that I intend to keep."
Her eyes softened, glistening with unshed tears as he stood to his feet, his eyes slightly warming as he looked down at her.
"Arigatou...Hajime-san." She smiled radiantly, her cheeks still flushing a beautiful rosy pink.
Saito's own cheeks dusted a tinge of red as beheld her flushing cheeks and beautiful smile.
"Do itashimashite, Chizuru-chan."
A silence fell between the two until Saito cleared his throat a little awkwardly. "It is extremely late, you should've been asleep by now; off to bed with you, Chizuru-chan and be quick about it before Hijikata-kun sees you and blames me for it." He grumbled but Chizuru only giggled as she turned to go inside.
Pausing at the door, she looked at him over her shoulder and offered on last sweet smile.
"Arigatou Saito-san; sleep well."
His pulse quickened at the affectionate look of her eyes and he blushed again.
"Goodnight, Chizuru-chan."
And with that, she disappeared inside, leaving a very flustered Hajime Saito alone on the engawa.
She's-far too kind to me. She shouldn't be so concerned with me if she knows what's good for her.
Inspite of knowing this, he still couldn't quell the overwhelming ache for her that thrummed through his body-now, stronger than ever.
He cursed inwardly as he reached his own room, hiding himself behind the thin ricepaper walls.
This is getting-out of hand...