AN/I promised a happier chapter and I hope you'll find it here.
o.O.o.O.o
Ethically, I could not leave this unresolved. Bella may be able to sleep at night with the weight of this on her chest but I wouldn't be able to sleep at all.
I had no idea what time it was, and in all actuality did not care. I had no idea what my intentions were when I decided to go to her house, so I left my car.
The route was as natural to me now as the speed of running, hence, it was a complete blur. Within close proximity to her I found it very difficult to focus on priorities. Bella would want, would expect me to leave the matter be, let it die a quiet and awkward death, but I could not allow it. I could not go on without something; anything to give me incentive to think that we're…okay.
She was on her computer, typing something. An e-mail to her mother I hoped; she rarely went on for anything else, especially considering her turn paper days would be suspended for some time.
We had to talk, needed to, but I could come up with nothing to say, nothing could quite get my point across anyhow. I could only hope that she herself or anything, relevant or not, would instigate a reasonable argument.
As the typing ceased, and light footfalls grew steadily quieter as she left her room, my window of opportunity opened.
I slipped through the sill quietly and sat on her bed. It was amazing how even though I'd become so familiar with her bedroom and the whole interior and exterior of her house, the scent of her was still overwhelming.
And then I realized precisely why I was here. That mere thought was all the instigation I needed.
She gasped as she walked in, almost spilling the cup of tea she held in her unsteady hands; my unplanned visit had startled her.
"Edward…" she muttered, trying to slow the beating of her heart.
"I'm sorry if I scared you…I should have called first." I said, stalling for time. I wasn't quite sure what I would say yet.
"You could have prompted me by using the door…" she said lightly. She seemed to be in a good mood. I looked at her alarm clock to find it was after eleven and felt my eyebrows crease together. She smiled.
"Charlie's in La Push…all night fishing expedition." She said. Of course…in my haste I hadn't realized the missing car in the driveway. I nodded in response.
"What's wrong? You look…pensive." She inquired.
"Is it that obvious?" I said absentmindedly. She sipped her tea, waiting for a reasonable answer to her question.
"Humor me…"I began. She nodded, beginning to set the mug on the floor before I took it from her and placed it on the nightstand.
"I'm thinking of a word…which…describes a book but not the ideas within it, a valentine but not what it means to you…a flower but not its scent…" I explained. I had no clue of the word I was thinking of but left it up to her to help explain what I wanted to say. She averted her gaze as she thought to herself. Minutes passed before she spoke again.
"…tangible?" she suggested. I couldn't help but smile. I took her hands in mine.
"Yes, that's the perfect word. 'Tangible'…" I repeated.
"Bella….that's precisely the difference between two completely dissimilar aspects of yourself, two socially irrelevant halves: you and your scent." I slid closer to her, stroking her cheek with my thumb.
"I don't understand Edward…"she said. I narrowed my eyes, thinking of a better explanation as the tips of my fingers lightly traced the path down her neck.
"I suppose it's a matter of indulgence. I enjoy smelling your scent. But that's about as far as it can possibly go. I can't touch it, I can't feel it…" I paused to stroke her lips with my thumb.
"Now you, on the other hand, are tangible. I can indulge in your touch as you can indulge in mine…I can feel you, and feel, to my very core, what your mere touch can do to me…I think it's quite reasonable to love both you and your scent Bella, two completely different things…" She had her eyes closed and I proceeded to kiss the nape of her neck as she tilted her head to give me access.
"Honestly Edward…it was because you were being so distant toward me, and the reason seemed to be something I could not control…I misinterpreted what you meant, even though you were telling me." I exhaled against her neck and moved to look her in the eye.
"I have to be like that, Isabella. To protect you. That is what will always matter, what it'll always amount down to; despite what you want…despite what I want." Because sitting beside her is a possible risk, her protection is important to me. Myself, a danger to her more than any other thing that lurks out there, will not sit idly by and watch as she trips, as she stumbles, and get paper cuts…it's just not feasible.
She looked downward and smirked.
"I know, and I can live with that." She said. And there it was; the flicker of disappointment in her eyes that lets me know that that isn't precisely what she wants to hear.
"You'll have to of course, but know Bella, that I'm getting better everyday. It will never be effortless, but it's easier to be with you now than it used to be." I said.
"Are you sure?" she asks. I eyed her quizzically.
"Bella, I've never been more su-" I say quickly but she places a finger to my lips as she bites nervously on her own.
"I mean-are you absolutely certain it's easier for you now?" I had now idea what to think or what to expect if I answered truthfully, I wish I knew what she was thinking.
"Try me" I tested. She flushed and grinned meagerly.
She began at the base of my neck and then raked her fingers through my hair, sending violent ripples of electricity down my spine, approaching me slowly she closed the space between us.
"You're provoking the beast" I warned her, though opposition lacked expression on my face. I willed her to continue.
"I'd hate to undermine the beast by failing to present any kind of challenge." She quipped. I smiled incredulously, very curious as to what she's planning. Her lips found mine then, beginning softly as I used to prompt her, but I wanted more.
I held her face between my hands, gently, but the fervor of my need could not be denied. I near pleaded for entrance and savored the sweet indulgence as I tasted her. She moaned beneath my lips and her body folded into mine. Warmth radiated from her in waves, and slowly I too was being reeled in with the growing intention of cooling her fevered skin and igniting my own.
I found my self wound about her, my form crushed atop hers as I made to explore the confines of her mouth further still. Her hips irked against mine and oh the temptation. My need for her is unprecedented. I've never felt anything remotely close to this.
I had to stop. Now.
With truly strenuous effort I pulled away and sat up beside her, my breath labored and ragged.
"What's wrong?" she asked, completely flustered. There was no way to answer such a question that would reflect favorably on myself.
"I think you know" I said solemnly. Slowly my eyes found hers. It was too difficult to decipher what I saw in her deep brown eyes, she's crushing me with the weight of her expression.
"I'm sorr-" she starts, but I interrupt.
"Don't. Never apologize to me." I said angrily. And as she turned away from me, fixing her clothes and her hair as it were, I became exceedingly disappointed in myself.
Though ten times formidable I continue to pale in comparison to the humans. She doesn't completely understand why they are so justifiably suited to her rather than myself, rather than vampires. Merely touching her requires mustering a certain level of discipline…how long would I have to keep her waiting?
Finding nothing to say and forgetting my manners I rose to make a very abrupt leave when she called out to me.
"Edward…where are you going?" It should have been obvious really; a room completely masked in her scent was no safe place to be at this moment.
"Fresh air." I said without looking at her. I could barely imagine the discomfort she was experiencing right now. My own guilty conscious would make certain I leave on a clean slate. "Although…your scent goes on for miles." I smirked. Within the radius of Fork's boundaries I've taught myself to distinguish her scent among the plethora of others. I've got it down to a science.
"You're not coming back…"she said. It was so very easy to misconstrue a question that isn't a question, like uncertain certainty I wasn't able to quite piece it together. I tried to read her eyes.
"Not indefinitely…not tonight." I said. She would have no idea how the memory of her beneath me would haunt me and taunt the beast who was too much of a coward to take her. I am a walking contradiction; both the predator and the prey.
"Sleep well" I bade her and left. Although, I couldn't really bring myself to leave. I needed to be near her but it was much too dangerous for her to be so close as to be able to touch her. I walked at a slow pace down to her living room and sat on the couch, waiting for the night to wane.
Though inaudible, I could smell the distinctive scent of her tears, and it made me wish I could cry myself. I caused her so much pain, so much sorrow, and all she had ever done to me was continue to accept me, though I had failed her time and time again. I would make a poor excuse for a husband and painfully regretted making her agree to such an idea.
I promised I would love her to best of my ability and would continue to do nothing less.
o.O.o
o.O.o.O.o
o.O.o
Sunrise is never definite in Forks. The clouds were so dark, if I were susceptible to sleep I wouldn't believe I'd have slept an entire night. Bella stirred a few times but I wasn't certain she was awake until I heard the creak of her door and her footfalls as she went to the bathroom.
Not so long after, she hurried downstairs, dressed as if she was going somewhere. Imagine her surprise to find me sitting on her couch in the same clothes I'd came in; everything was becoming routine.
She starred at me on the foot of the stairs, her mouth slightly open.
"You're still here…" she said quietly.
"Yes, I am. Did you sleep well?" She nodded and still hadn't moved.
To make my case clear, I patted the couch next to me, and waited as she slowly came to sit by me, strangely unsure of herself.
I felt a growl build deep within me as she sat on the far side, wary of me. Now who was being distant?
I pulled her into my lap and her body relaxed: a sign of resignation.
"Going somewhere?" I muttered against the crook of her neck. She sighed.
"I was…nowhere in particular though. I hoped I'd figure out by the time I started driving." She said.
"Not in this weather." I replied. She angled her head away from me to get a glimpse of the outside, which was just as bleak as it was minutes ago.
"I guess not…" she said, slouching against me and laying her head on my shoulder. I cradled her in my arms.
I'm sorry…about last night." She said, her heart rate climbing a few decibels.
"I was a fool to think I could handle it." I smirked hopelessly. "You give me reason to believe you've done this before." I accused. She laughed to herself.
"If only that were true…the body is a slave to its own impulses." She stated. How very insightful.
"No one knows that better than I do…regardless…Bella, I love you, please remember that the next time I say something idiotic or do something stupid. You deserve better." She sat up in my lap, stradling me tightly, facing me with an intense glare.
"You hear the minds of humans all the time. Why would you consider what you do anymore deplorable than what is considered the 'norm' among them?" I couldn't answer, I have heard the tendencies of the human mind and would no doubt become riled by the very prospect of a man like that with Bella…such a uncompromising situation.
"Besides…if I let you go, I'd be setting a standard, and…well, let's face it. You're impossible to beat." She smiled tenderly as my arms constricted her waist.
"You always set me up for failure…you should stop tempting me so." Her arms found their way around my neck.
"Promise not to run this time." She urged. I grinned and pushed her hair back, letting my finger run through the entire length.
"I promise" I said firmly and kissed her passionately.
o.O.o.O.o
AN/Thank you all for the very supportive reviews. Criticism is welcome.