Oh my lord, it's been nearly a year and a half since I've updated this, a fact which any of you still bothering to check on this story are aware of I'm sure. I apologize profusely. Between life being life and working on my original novel I just haven't felt in the right head space to work on this 'fic. That all changed this morning however when suddenly both Cassie and Azazeal decided they had been ignored for long enough and that it was time to get back to work.
As an apology for being away so long I've written an extra-long chapter for you all. Sorry to those of you who saw the email that got sent out earlier about an update if you clicked on it only to find nothing there. I was going to post two separate chapters but then I decided that one would end up being incredibly short when i went to look at it I went back and edited them together into one giant chapter. Hopefully the length of this update makes up for any dashed hopes. Nearly 5,200 words, I'm so proud of me. Also, Troy makes his reappearance here for those of you who've been wondering where he went.
I make no promises that I won't disappear again but I do promise that I haven't forgotten this and that I won't abandon it. Please enjoy.
The pillow was wet. That was all she could think as she lay on the bed still clutching it to her chest. It smelled like him. Like smoke and moss and things long forgotten. She blinked back a fresh wave of tears. She didn't know why she hadn't washed it since that night, but every time she'd start to pull the casing off the smell of him would surround her and she felt like she had the night they'd slept together. Always she placed the pillow back on the bed. Right now it was as much a punishment as a comfort. Thank God Thelma wasn't here to see her like this. Cassie didn't know where the ghost was and didn't much care at the moment. She couldn't handle talking to Thelma right now. Not when the image of them was still burned into her mind, searing her soul.
She'd been riding high on her realizations when she'd knocked on Jo's door playing with her hair as she looked over the letter from the hospital; when he'd appeared at the door all of that fell to pieces. She hadn't been able to stop the rush of desire she'd felt at finding him in front of her, dark hair framing his chiseled face and bright eyes boring into hers. He'd given her a look of pure arrogance, daring her. The challenge in his gaze was irresistible and she felt herself take a small step toward him, anticipating the feel of him against her. Just as she was about to reach out a hand to him Jo moved into the doorway shattering the moment completely.
She could see the smirk in his eyes, though he kept his mouth still. As though he were enjoying the joke and it was on her. Cassie had muddled through the exchange, fighting back tears at the same time she tamped down on the desire to smack him right across his smug face. She had the sense to make sure to keep the release form hidden behind her back the entire time. Once the conversation was over she'd managed to keep to a sedate walk until she rounded the corner. Then the damn had broken and she couldn't see through the tears, her lungs burning from sobbing so hard that her whole body shook, and she stumbled blindly through the halls back to her room. It was a miracle she hadn't fallen down the stairs and broken her neck. The moment she'd closed the door behind her she'd dropped the paper to the floor and fallen across the bed. That she had shared with him. She'd lain there, paralyzed by the thought that she might have lost him and that she'd never escape him. That she didn't want to. He was everywhere – around her, inside her. She could still feel him when she closed her eyes. Hear his voice in her head, telling her he loved her. She'd recalled the look on his face when she'd told him she wanted him out of her life, that she didn't want him or the child growing inside her. She'd had the unsettling thought that those words were what had driven him to Jo. Either to get back at her for her words or to make her jealous, she didn't know. She'd tried to get angry at him, to feel betrayed, but the thought that she had driven him to it wouldn't leave her and she'd simply given up, allowed herself to give in to the pain and have a good long cry. She felt as though she was being pulled apart by her conflicting emotions. She'd been in bed ever since, moving only to pull the covers over herself when the sun went down and the temperature began to drop. Eventually sleep had claimed her, washing over her like a benediction.
It was morning now, sunlight streaming cheerily across her face through the gap in the curtains. She frowned and turned away from the window. Thelma would return soon, if she hadn't been back already. Cassie looked around the room, searching for her friend. There wasn't even an empty wrapper to signify that Thelma had been in since yesterday, which meant she was probably wandering around the school. She suddenly realized that Thelma had been disappearing a lot lately. She sat up, pulling the pillow into her lap. She wondered if it was worth waiting for Thelma to show up, if she'd be any help in dealing with this new, unexpected blow from Azazeal. She exhaled noisily at the thought. It wasn't like Thelma would have a different opinion from the ones she'd already voiced about her situation. Grumbling she leaned across the bed to grab a brush from her desk and run it haphazardly through her hair. Waiting for Thelma wasn't going to help and she couldn't stand to stay in this room any longer. Sliding out of bed Cassie threw the pillow away from her and began to change her clothes. As she pulled on her jacket she heard something fall from her pocket. She bent to pick up the slip of paper and opened it.
It was from Oz, the cab driver who'd talked to her the day of her appointment. He'd given her his number when he'd dropped her off at Medenham after; had told her to call him if she ever needed someone to listen or a shoulder to cry on. She'd put the paper in her pocket and smiled at him. It had been nice to feel like there were still people who cared enough to help a stranger. She'd forgotten the phone number though, hadn't needed anyone other than Thelma till now. But she couldn't face the thought of telling her friend what had happened and having to sit through another lecture of 'I knew it's' and 'I told you so's'. Thelma's opinion on the matter was clear but it didn't help Cassie at all. She understood her friend's hatred of Azazeal, agreed with it most of the time but that didn't erase the fact that deep down she had feelings for him. She couldn't deny that now, not after feeling like her entire world had shattered when she'd seen Azazeal at Jo's door. She needed to talk to someone and since she already knew what Thelma would say Oz was as a good a choice as any. At least he made her feel comfortable. She'd make sure to leave out the truth of what Azazeal was, be creative but truthful. After all she wanted a friend not another dead body. Wiping the last tear tracks from her face she picked up the phone and dialed.
Troy was huddled up in the driver's seat of his car, watching Cassie and that stranger with a frown. The longer he sat here the more he wondered if it had been such a good idea to follow her here. When he'd seen her hurrying down the hall yesterday he'd wanted to call out to her, to make her stop and talk to him before he'd realized that she'd looked like she was crying. He remembered watching her as she'd turned the corner at a run; taking off after her only to see the door slam and hear the lock turn before he could get the words out to stop her. Once the door was shut he hadn't felt like knocking, couldn't stop the resentful thought that she'd probably just ignore him anyway. He'd felt immediately bad for thinking that. The more reasonable part of him said that it wasn't a good idea to bother her when she was already upset, that distressing her further might endanger the baby. He'd given to the more reasonable side and though he ached to go to her had turned away and returned to his own room. It hadn't made it any easier to get her out of his head though. A baby. It had to be their baby, his baby no matter what she said. It just didn't make sense to him. He couldn't understand why she didn't want him to be a part of this. How could she just decide to leave him out? She'd been avoiding him since their altercation in the car park his first day back and he hadn't been able to work up the courage to approach her on the few occasions he'd seen her since. He'd gone back to his room and spent the entire night trying to think of a way to get her to talk to him again. By the time morning came he'd decided that he didn't care if she never spoke to him again after today, but he wouldn't let her avoid him any longer. He'd marched over to her room and knocked on the door but it gave way under his hand, swinging open to reveal an empty room.
"Cassie? Are you here?" He'd poked his head inside but Cassie was nowhere to be seen. He'd missed her again. Just as he'd turned to leave he'd noticed a paper on the floor. It had the name of the local hospital at the top of the page. His heart had stopped when he realized what it was. How could she do this to him? She was going to kill their baby without even giving him a chance. Anger had welled up inside him and he'd lashed out, catching the corner of her bedside table and knocking several things off it swearing when his knuckle started to throb from the force of the blow. Sighing he bent to pick up the papers that had scattered to the floor. Without thinking he looked over them, stopping when he realized that on top of the pile was a torn off bit of a receipt with a name and number scrawled on it. Just under that was a note in Cassie's familiar looping hand.
Oz
555-0429
Hart's Club Café
2 p.m.
He'd glanced at his watch and seen that it was already half one; Cassie had probably gone to meet this Oz person. Why would she go talk to some random person? Unless he was who Cassie had meant that day – Troy didn't let himself finish the thought. He dropped the stack of papers and raced back to his room to grab his keys. If he hurried he could catch her, maybe straighten this out still, get the answers that he now so desperately needed. Fifteen minutes later he was speeding along the high street, searching among the few people that were out for a glimpse of her. The flash of a familiar mop of bright hair made him stomp on the brakes, slowing so that he could follow her at a discreet distance as she made her way down the street. He'd pulled to a stop when she ducked into the café on the corner. He'd felt a wave of relief wash over him. He wasn't too late; there was still time to convince her not to do this. To convince her that they were good together and that he really was the one for her.
Now here he was parking just outside the café, maneuvering carefully so as to avoid hitting the van parked slightly crosswise in front of him. Looked like whoever it was had trouble when it came to parallel parking he thought with a slight huff of amusement. The van's bad positioning meant that he too had to park at an awkward angle that nevertheless gave him a perfect view of the café. He was debating whether or not he should go in and talk to Cassie or wait until she left when he saw her emerge from the building with a small mug clutched between her hands and take a seat at one of the little tables set up on the pavement. Good, there were less people out here than were probably inside. They could talk this out without a lot of people listening in, it was neutral territory so she wouldn't feel overwhelmed by him being there and hopefully he'd have the chance to convince her to see things his way. He opened his door only to freeze as a tall man in a dark coat with long, curling blonde hair walked up to Cassie from behind and placed a hand on her shoulder. That had to be Oz. He watched as Cassie turned and tried to stay calm as she jumped up and whirled around to face the stranger, only to nearly lose it when she threw her cup of tea all over the guy. He clapped a hand over his mouth to stifle a chuckle at the sight, a small grin stealing over his face. Didn't look like this Oz was all that special after all he thought. The grin died a moment later when Cassie stopped in shock and apologized, the sincerity in her voice audible even at this range only to be replaced by a scowl when Cassie grabbed up a napkin and tried to clean up the mess she'd caused. The guy who had to be Oz waved her away and walked around to sit in front of her, the flirting smile he sent her way unmistakable.
Indecision gripped him at the sight and he sat there, half-in-half-out of the car. Had she been telling the truth when she'd said the baby wasn't his? Was this the guy Cassie had slept with? He slowly closed the door, easing it shut so it wouldn't slam while rolling down the window. He was close enough to them that if it didn't get crowded he'd be able to hear their conversation. He felt slightly bad about eavesdropping on her but at the same time he felt a burning need to know what was going on and this was too good an opportunity to pass up. He settled himself more comfortably into his seat and prepared himself to wait.
Cassie held the cup to her lips, breathing in the steam that wafted toward her face. She reveled in the warmth spreading through her fingers. The winter sun peeked through the clouds warming her back as a chill breeze ruffled her hair. She was having trouble coming to terms with the events of the day. Her head was still reeling from the scene she'd witnessed at Jo's door. That utter bastard. The surface of her coffee rippled as a single tear fell into its depths. She sniffed and closed her eyes against the moisture building behind her eyes. Taking a deep breath she willed herself to calm down. She couldn't help what she felt for him. Her heart ached to know that he didn't seem to care for her the way that she did him but she'd pushed him away and he'd apparently taken her at her word.
Cassie scowled down at her cup and glanced at her watch. It was almost two, Oz would be here any minute. When she'd called him this morning he'd sounded surprised but had readily agreed to meet her, suggesting the café. She hadn't wasted any time and had even left early in anticipation of some real contact with someone who might be able to help her even if she wouldn't be able to tell him everything about her situation. She turned to look down the street, hoping to see him or at least his cab when she suddenly felt a stirring in the air behind her. It was familiar, a dark pull that tingled up against her skin. Thinking it was Azazeal, she turned in her chair and angrily threw the contents of her still full cup of tea at him. Her satisfied smirk fell as she openly gaped at the man now standing drenched in hot liquid before her.
"Jesus Cassie! What the hell was that for? Is this why you called? Felt the need to vent some frustration and I was the only bloke available?" Blonde hair fell forward to shade a pair of bright grey eyes as he tried to wipe at his drenched shirt. Even through the pain his voice still held a teasing tone that didn't do anything to lessen her guilt but at least it seemed he wouldn't hold it against her.
"Oz! I'm so sorry! I thought you were someone else." Grabbing her napkin she wiped ineffectually at the stain spreading across his torso. He chuckled at her and she glanced up to see the grin on his face as he stared down at her with one eyebrow raised. Realizing just what she was doing she dropped the now damp napkin like it contained some contagious disease. She fell back into the chair she'd just vacated, face aflame with embarrassment. Shaking his head Oz sat down in the chair across from her, grabbing the napkin holder from a nearby table as he did so. The table's occupant shot him a dirty look but shut his mouth when Oz glared at him and gestured toward his soaked shirt.
"So why did you want to meet here? I assume your grand plan wasn't to douse me in hot tea." He softened the rebuke with a crooked smile as he began dabbing at his shirt with the napkins. Cassie's wince was ruined by the smile pricking the corners of her mouth. She offered him a few more but he shook his head at her.
"Sorry again, I wanted to talk to you. You were so nice the other day and you said that if I needed to talk…" Cassie trailed off uncertainly, absentmindedly shredding the paper napkin in her hand. Oz stopped her, placing his hand gently on hers.
"I meant that Cassie, although I rather expected my shirt to perhaps be wet with tears and not tea." She balled up the mangled napkin and threw it at him with a mock scowl that was ruined when she laughed as it bounced off his nose. He held up his hands in surrender.
"Alright! Alright! Don't hurt me, I'll stop teasing you. Seriously though, have you been alright? You sounded awfully upset on the phone and forgive me for saying so but you look a bit of a mess." He reached across the table and placed a hand on hers. His fingers were warm and she found his touch comforting. She felt herself relax under his gaze.
"I certainly feel like I am." She admitted. "I'm just so confused about everything; what with the baby and everything, not to mention this whole mess with Troy that's going on. I just don't know what to do." Cassie looked at Oz, who had the good grace not to look too confused by her talking about people he had no connection with. She wondered about the best way to ask for advice without giving away too much about the reality of her situation. Oz beat her to it.
"Troy's the guy who was arguing with you the other day?" he asked.
She nodded. "Yeah, he's my ex. I was with him when all this happened." She gestured at her stomach before fiddling with her empty cup. He waved over a waitress and she waited while he ordered a coffee and the waitress brought it out along with a new cup of tea for her.
"What's he done to make it so difficult?" Oz asked, stirring sugar into his drink.
"Oh, well it's not really what he's done. It's just awkward I guess. We were together, when I got pregnant but…" She trailed off, feeling the guilt creep back over her at what she had done to Troy. Sure she'd been possessed at the time but it still didn't excuse her behavior. Oz nodded in understanding.
"He doesn't want to let go? I remember you saying something about him not being the father. I'm guessing you don't still have feelings for him, if he's making you so uncomfortable?" Cassie sighed and rubbed a hand over her eyes.
"It might be easier if I did but no. It's just after what I've been through lately I just know that he's not the one for me. And that no matter what he thinks I'm definitely not good for him. He keeps trying to talk to me and I know it's because he thinks this baby is his but I just can't seem to make him see the truth. Short of shoving a DNA test under his nose, and that's certainly out of the question."
Oz looked puzzled. Cassie wrapped her arms around her middle, letting her hand linger on the bulge of her stomach.
"My procedure is supposed to be the day after tomorrow." Comprehension dawned in Oz's eyes and he winced in sympathy.
"Christmas eve? That's rough." He sipped at his coffee, sucking in a breath when it burned his tongue. Cassie wrinkled her nose – she hated coffee.
"Yeah, it was the only time I could." She didn't elaborate further but Oz seemed to read the deeper meaning beneath the short reply.
"You're having second thoughts aren't you?" He said gently. Cassie nodded, not looking at him. Even the thought of going to hospital brought a dull pain to her chest but she still couldn't quite escape the thought that it was the right thing.
"I think so. I mean, I don't know what else to do. My best mate thinks it's the right choice but I just don't know. Lately I just keep thinking that I might be making a mistake but then I feel like I don't have any other choice." She sniffed at the prickling feeling building up in her eyes and stared into her teacup. It was all so confusing and the addition of the scene she'd witnessed this morning hadn't helped her order her thoughts on the issue. Just the thought of him with Jo made her heart ache and her blood boil at the same time.
"Well what about the father? What does he think?" Cassie raised her eyes toward Oz. He laughed at her shocked expression.
"Sorry, didn't mean to catch you off guard with that. It's just you haven't talked about him much. He must have meant something to you if you left Troy to be with him."
Cassie scoffed a little offering up a wry smile.
"That was a very kind way of saying 'cheated on him' thank you."
He raised his cup to her in a mock toast.
"I do what I can. But really, I get the feeling that it wasn't a whirlwind romance. If it were you wouldn't be so upset about this I think. Is he part of the reason you wanted to give up the baby in the first place?"
Cassie chewed on her lower lip as she considered her answer. Oz had gotten right to the heart of her problem certainly. It was true that she'd been against the entire idea of being pregnant at first, let alone being pregnant with Azazeal's child but over the last couple of weeks she'd slowly started to regard her baby as just that – her baby. That was when she'd first started to question her feelings for Azazeal too. How could she love her child while hating its father? She'd finally admitted, after days spent agonizing over the implications, that she still had feelings for him maybe even loved him. She still didn't approve of his actions towards her or Thelma – especially Thelma – and wasn't sure if she'd ever be able to really forgive him for what he'd done but she could admit (to herself if no one else) that she didn't hate him as completely as she should. That didn't mean she had to give in to those feelings, not that resisting was easy. Even this morning when she'd wanted punch him she'd had to resist the urge to pull him out of Jo's arms and show him exactly who he belonged to. She shook her head against the thought, trying to get her mind back on track.
As the termination grew closer she was starting to feel cornered. She'd have to make a decision soon and whether she went through with it or not her entire life would change after tomorrow. She felt nauseous even thinking about it. Both choices had their ups and downs. Either way she'd be giving something up and she wasn't sure that she was willing to pay either price.
If she went through with the termination, denying the feelings she held for her child and Azazeal, it would probably mean losing both of them. She didn't expect that he'd want anything to do with her romantically if she went through with it. She was certain that it would probably push him into actively hating her, putting her in considerable danger. She started at the thought. It wasn't something she had really considered before, what his reaction would be to the loss of his child. She recalled the way he'd looked the morning she'd woken to find him watching her sleep, cup of tea in hand, the eagerness and ardent happiness that had stolen over his features as he'd talked about the child. Could she really destroy that for him? She rubbed her fingers in soothing circles over her stomach trying not to repress a small shudder at the thought.
On the other hand, if she called it off, would that prove that everything he'd said about her, about everything, was true? He would certainly consider it as justifying his actions. What about Thelma? Cassie couldn't imagine that her friend would understand if she didn't go through with the termination. Would that mean alienating Thelma forever, losing her? The ghost had made no secret of her hatred for Azazeal and Cassie didn't blame her. She'd hate the person that had murdered her and manipulated her friend too. Not to mention there was the jealousy issue on that front as well. Thelma resented Azazeal's ability to draw Cassie's interest – if she found out that Cassie still had feelings for him outside the possession what would she think? She'd kept her lingering feelings a secret, not wanting to acknowledge something that might cost her the only friend she had. She drew her cup to her lips and took a long sip.
Cassie wished she didn't have to choose. She didn't love the way her life was at the moment but for now it had a kind of tenuous balance. She felt like a tight rope walker who'd just noticed a fray in the line. Any sudden move would cause it all to come crashing down around her, with drastic and potentially deadly consequences.
She glanced up at Oz who was patiently waiting for her answer, playing with a packet of sugar. He'd already upended the contents onto the table and was drawing intricate patterns in the small pile with a coffee stirrer. She smiled a little, drawn in by the mesmerizing swirls. She grew a little dizzy as she followed them with her eyes and put a hand to her head to anchor herself. She started as Oz laid a hand over hers.
"Cass? You ok? Where'd you go just now? You've been staring into space for the last ten minutes." He looked mildly alarmed and she tried to give him a reassuring smile.
"I didn't mean to upset you." He reached up to brush a thumb across her cheek and she realized that the tears she'd been fighting earlier were now coursing down her cheeks unchecked. She pulled back from his hand and dashed at the tears with one hand the other still clasped gently in his.
"No, it's not you. It's these damn hormones." She knew it wasn't true, that what he'd asked her had indeed led to her tears but knew he hadn't meant to cause her pain.
She could feel the warmth of his hand on hers and smiled a little. She turned her hand to grip his. This was something she'd missed since Thelma's death – The grounding comfort of a caring touch freely given by a friend. She blinked. Was that what they were? It was true they'd only med a few days ago, but she felt a connection with him that she'd never had with anyone but Thelma. It was warm, inviting. Perhaps they were friends, she certainly felt like she could rely on him and she'd never had the sense that he wanted anything from her other than a chance to help her. She met his eyes across the table and saw a soft kindness in his gaze. His smile was understanding and soft, a gentle turn at the edges to show how amused he was with her even when she was off in her head trying to find an answer. It was the kind of smile that would have made her heart race before all of this began, but now it simply made her feel comforted. There was none of the uncomfortable undercurrent that came with attraction and there didn't seem to be the need to ask if he felt the same way. She could just tell. She squeezed his hand once before drawing out of his grip and picking her cup up and bringing it to her mouth again. She sipped at it then put it down, keeping her fingers clasped around the still warm ceramic. She shrugged her shoulder apologetically, dropping her chin as she tried to explain.
"Sorry. I was just thinking about what you said. I don't know – about the father. He's definitely part of the reason. Our relationship is, well complicated isn't a strong enough word." She said with a grimace.
Oz grinned.
"So you've said before. Why don't you tell me about it? Maybe a new perspective can help you figure it out? At the least I'll be a willing audience if you want to complain about him." He added a conspiratorial wink to the grin, holding a finger to lips. She chuckled at the comical expression and he smiled back at her.
"Why don't you tell me how you two met?"
Sorry for the abrupt ending but it just felt like a decent place to break. I have the next chapter started but it's not even halfway finished. I'm expecting a busy week at work so I have no idea how soon I may finish it. Until then, I hope you all enjoyed the update. ;D