Jack moves into the hub to fetch the girls and I watch him go for a moment before turning back to Mam we lock eyes for a moment and I know Owen is watching us but I don't care as I try and convey how I'm feeling towards her. This could end very badly and I could loose my friends and she needs to understand that it would, at least partially, be her fault. I see her blink and feel the guilt from her but there's something else there, a need, like she needs this to happen for some reason but it's not enough for me to work out why.
Frowning I look away from Mam. I know I'm being irrational and that we, as a team, are closer than that but there's still that underlying fear of being alone and cast aside like I was after Canary Warf, just like all the survivors.
Get any weapons or equipment and make sure everything is secure. The survivors can take care of themselves; after all, they caused all this. I still remember overhearing the UNIT officer in charge of the clean up giving the orders.
It didn't matter that I was ex UNIT or that I outranked him, it didn't matter than none of this was any of the survivors fault. Those at fault had been on the front line and were some of the first to die. We were innocent bystanders, but it didn't matter, we were left on our own to deal with it.
It wasn't until I came to Torchwood Three and Lisa had been put to rest that I began to feel part of a group that wasn't my family again.
Owen snorts breaking me from my thoughts and I look to my left where he's glancing between the two of us. "Well that explains some of your and Jack's odd behaviors. I assumed it was just him being weird but it was you and your links."
"How do you know it's not Jack being weird as well?" I ask and watch as Owen's eyes widen slightly at the implication but he doesn't say anything more as Jack and the girls walk back into the medical bay. They take up positions on the railing where they can watch while staying out of the way and suddenly I understand what an animal in a zoo must feel like.
"When you're ready," Owen prompts scanner in hand to take the readings.
Jack throws Owen and annoyed look before catching my eyes. "Take you're time Ianto," he says sending a wave of reassurance and it gives me strength.
Tosh, Gwen and Owen are watching me closely, some closer to obvious staring than others, I quickly scan the room for something to demonstrate with. I don't really want to use anything in the autopsy bay, it's Owen's domain and now really isn't the time to piss the medic off by playing with his toys.
My eyes land on Jack and I quickly scan him for his normal accessories, only to find he hasn't got any on, no pocket watch, no pen clipped to his shirt pocket, no belt, or candy stashed in his pockets, only his wrist strap; which I wasn't going to touch. Mam didn't have anything on her either, great help those two are then. There's no way I'd take anything off the other's at the moment and my jacket with my things were left on Jack's desk on our way down here.
It occurs to me that there is one thing other than his wrist strap that Jack always has on him, it's probably not the best thing to demonstrate with but it will have to do. With a small smile I raise my hand in his direction. Jack nods and keeps still; I focus on the small dagger that's always tucked into Jack's boot. With a small movement of my fingers it slips out of its sheath and out from under his trouser legs and floats towards me the faint blue glow that signifies my ability surrounding the dagger and my fingers.
Gwen squeaks as she's the one closest to Jack and therefore closest to the flying dagger. Tosh's eyes widen in surprise and Owen's shocked gaze flicker between the dagger which in currently rotating between us and my hand which is now by my side, though my fingers are still glowing softly. Jack and Mam exchange looks and smiles both radiating pride and amusement.
"Oh wow," Tosh whispers and I smile gently at her.
I glance at Gwen who is doing a marvelous impression of a goldfish again, one of these days I'm going to have to get that on tape. "But... then... why?"
Jack looks at her curiously, poking her gently in the ribs to get her back on track. Shaking her head she turns to look at me her eyes full of questions and pain and for a moment I'm not sure I want to hear what she's about to say. "You've got this wonderful gift, why don't you use it! You could have saved yourself and Tosh with the Cannibals! Or yourself and Rhys when you had guns to your head during the space whale case; is keeping your secrets that much more important than trying to save people?"
I flinch at the accusation and the glow around the dagger flickers slightly as my focus almost drops but I quickly adjust, keeping a small part of my mind focused on keeping the dagger floating.
I can understand why she's upset; the guilt that I couldn't do more at both those times still bothers me. I want to explain, she doesn't understand, but she isn't giving me a chance. I'm expecting Jack or Mam to step in and try to calm her down but its Tosh who steps in first taking Gwen's arms and not saying anything just stepping in front of her and letting her calm down.
When Tosh steps back Gwen has tears in her eyes and my guilt swells even more, I glance to Tosh but she just looks worried about me and Gwen, there's no blame or accusation towards me.
"I don't like using my abilities on the cases, but if I need to and I can I would do it. It doesn't matter who's looking if it helps to save someone," I explain looking between Tosh and Gwen, willing them to understand that I didn't have a choice in either case.
"Then why?" Gwen asks confused and still upset.
"Because I can't use my abilities if my hands are tied. I can't just think about moving something and it levitated straight away. I use my hands to… focus my abilities on the object; I guess is the best way to explain it. I don't completely understand it but I know no matter how hard I try it doesn't work. Once I have something I can do whatever I want with it, but I need my hands to start with."
"Not everything is perfect Gwen, there's always an Achilles heel," Jack says squeezing her hand, she wipes her eyes with her other hand and give me a soft apologetic smile.
"Having even a mild concussion wouldn't have helped either, let alone the crack on the head that cannibal freak gave you," Owen mutters.
Turning to Owen I look at him as his eyes flick between me, the dagger and the scanner. "Well?" I prompt when he doesn't say anything more.
"It's not enough to get a decent reading. Can you give it a bit more?" Owen asks looking up at me.
"Well, yeah I can..."
Owen cuts over the top of me in his normal manner "Okay then, give it everything you've got."
"Ah... Owen I don't think that's such a good idea," I reply but his snort tells me he's not really listening to me.
"Look, I need a decent scan so just do it already."
I start to look towards Mam again but stop myself, why am I suddenly acting like a child needing permission and reassurance for everything just because she's here. It is a comfort to have her here for this, I'll admit to that but with her rank and influence I've always used her as a guide and shield when it came to my abilities while I was at UNIT because I needed one. I wasn't at UNIT any more though and these people weren't just other soldiers or work colleges they were my friends.
Owen clears his throat and I realize I've been standing there lost in thought and everyone's watching me in confusion the dagger's spinning wobbly and incredibly fast in the air and I quickly slow it down. Even Mam and Jack look confused which just goes to prove how lost in my thoughts I was if Jack couldn't read me.
Sighing I look up at Jack asking permission though not for the same reason I would have Mam. When it comes down to it Jack is still the boss and this is his base, he knows what I'm capable of and that it might cause problems. Jack nods his agreement and I look between the girls and Owen.
"Do you trust me?" I know it's a loaded question with my history but I need to know or I'm just going to worry about them getting hurt.
Tosh is the first one to answer, "yes," and I can't help the relief that I feel, even though she's my best friend and I know the answer deep down it had never been voiced before.
Gwen doesn't say anything but she nods softly her eyes back on the stationary, though still floating, dagger.
I turn to Owen who is fiddling with the scanner. "Owen?" I prompt and he looks up at me rolling his eyes.
"You're floating a dagger a foot in front of my face, don't you think I would have said something by now if I didn't," he growls.
"Then I need you all to keep very still," I turn slowly scanning the room and quickly taking in everything around us and where it is. On the second turn I raise my arms and concentrate.