Hi, folks!

I want to tell you that I've been working on this story, even if my job is still so demanding I don't have all the time I wish I had to write every day.

Therapy

Chapter 4: Bort and CC – Round 3

'You won't believe it!', CC exclaimed as soon as her head hit the cushion of the therapist's sofa.

'What happened?', Bort asked, taking her trusty notebook and getting ready for astonishing news, if CC's agitated state and wild gestures were any indication.

'Now he is acting strange, all the time, around me'.

'Niles?'

'Who else?!'

Bort raised her brows – yes, who else?, 'Tell me what happened'.

'I did as we had talked: I waited patiently for the occasion to give him a sincere compliment, when we were alone. I thought it would be a good idea if I waited for him to say something that I agreed again, because it would sound creepy if I just resumed a conversation from another day', she shrugged, 'I knew I wouldn't have to wait long, anyway'.

The therapist wrote down that CC trusted Niles to say things she agreed in a daily basis, and that it was really interesting if you consider the last time it had happened, both agreed on a flaw on Maxwell Sheffield's character.

Besides that, it was interesting to note the approach was still a very rational one: her patient seemed confident she had control over the situation, when she planned it. Bort was prepared to follow the process that leaded to the emotional turmoil the blonde was in, when she arrived today.

'He went to the office with Nanny Fine, and I was alert and ready to act. I mean, it has been a while since he had come to the office by his own volition, and I was glad to finally have the opportunity'.

Bort nodded to herself at CC making clear how much she had been waiting for Niles to appear and give her the right cue.

'That woman started whining about something, and the story went on and on, and I just went back to the contracts I was reading, resigned to loose Maxwell to whatever was happening. But then, I heard Niles' voice, and I was paying attention again'.

This time Bort shook her head: as a therapist, she should not take sides or intend to give advice, but it was getting painfully obvious how invested on Niles her patient was, and how much she craved the things about him. Maybe it was for the better that CC Babcock had decided to make experiments, after all – at least, she was acting on her feelings and needs, even if she didn't see them clearly.

'…I just got it was about Maxwell again. Niles was telling him to choose between what the tramp was suggesting and calling Andrew Lloyd Webber to congratulate him on an award', CC smirked, 'Obviously, Niles intended to corner Maxwell into doing what Nanny Fine wanted; it was a check-mate move'.

Bort didn't need to write down how CC admired Niles. It had been obvious for a while, and her notes would start repeating themselves.

'I didn't show any reaction, this time. Even when Niles turned to me and said my silence meant I was so old I couldn't hear a word that was being said around me, I didn't answer – just made a gesture of acknowledgement and pretended I was back to the papers. I saw him get antsy, but resisted and waited for the moment when we would be alone'.

Bort noticed that, if CC had seen Niles disturbed and had to resist answering him, it meant she was not exactly happy with the situation. Maybe she had an urge to put him at ease, going back to their usual banter, what was an interesting twist. 'And the moment came'.

'Yes, it came. I went to the kitchen, he was at the sink, I put my mug on the island and told him I usually don't admit it, but that one was true'.

'And?'

'And he stopped fussing with whatever he was doing and looked at me as if he hadn't heard me right. He even asked, in that annoying accent, I beg your pardon?'

Bort smiled at the imitation, remembering CC had said how much she liked British accents, one occasion when it was expected she would say Maxwell's accent. She had noticed, too, that CC had acted as if Niles should be aware of what she was talking about, even if she had arrived in the kitchen and just thrown some vague words. It seemed CC expected Niles to know what she meant – as if he should be as obsessed by the things he said as herself , 'And you explained what you meant?'

'Yes!', her agitated state came back full force, 'I sounded as calm as I could, saying I was referring to the comment he had made in the office. I even complimented him on using the Webber card', the socialite crossed her arms, 'I thought I had conveyed the idea that there was nothing wrong about me telling him we agreed on something'.

'It was not wrong, but different'.

'Yeah, whatever. What matters is that he grew more and more confused, and kept looking at my face as if I was speaking in a foreign language and he had to find some clue of what I meant'.

'It's an interesting metaphor for your misunderstandings'.

'Uhm?'

'Niles knew you meant something important, and that he had to decipher it; he made the effort, looking for visual hints; and still, he couldn't make it, because he couldn't make sense of the words you were saying'.

'But it was not a foreign language…'

'Are you sure you speak the same language? Don't you feel, sometimes, like you two use words that mean completely different things to the other?'

'Yes… Especially lately. I always thought our zingers were… I don't know… our way to communicating. But he has been offending me, keeping things one-sided, as if he was not listening to me, anymore…'

Bort saw the familiar wide-eyed expression on her patient's face, indicating some glimpse of revelation, and waited for some moments before prodding, 'Let's go ahead. He was trying to understand you, and then?'

CC cleared her throat and adjusted on the sofa, 'Suddenly, something… changed in him. I saw it clearly'.

Bort noticed the hesitation, and understood the moment had been difficult for CC, and that reminiscing about it made her upset, 'Yes?'

'I was a menace'.

The therapist raised her brows, 'Why do you say that?'

'He looked at me in the way he does when someone does something so crazy he has no idea what to do. I've seen him making that face to Nanny Fine and her family some times; almost never to Maxwell, because Niles is proud of managing Maxwell's rare outbursts. It usually happens when he is at a total loss, but he recovers quickly…'

'Did he recover, this time?'

'No', CC had a sad expression, 'He was not just surprised or confused, as I have seen him before. He was not even wary I would change the tables at any moment. It was like he really thought I could… hurt him. And not in a good way', she bit her lower lip, 'It seems it is worst when I'm nice, because now he is looking at me as if he had to measure everything he does around me', she sounded annoyed, 'He was silent most of the time, since then!'

'Well, then you have succeeded'.

'What?'

'You wanted him to stop the verbal abuse. You got it'.

'No, I didn't'.

'You said he was feeling menaced and got silent'.

'Yes, and it's not Niles. Not the Niles I know. Not the Niles I want'.

Bort opened her mouth to comment on that, but decided against saying any word before CC herself dealt with such a huge thing.

The blonde sighed, 'It sounds crazy, doesn't it? I mean, I said I wanted him to stop the insulting things because they got too much, and then I'm complaining because he got silent and I feel like I want something from him…', she closed her eyes, 'Like I need something just Niles can give me…'.

The therapist waited again, giving CC time to get used to the idea. When she opened her eyes, Bort went on, 'Do you feel worse about him being silent? Worse than when he offends you, I mean?'

'I feel bad about him being silent, yes, because I can't recognize the Niles I was used to. It's almost as if I know I can trust him if he is communicating'.

'Even if it is abusive?'

'It didn't sound as if it was just abusive, before. It seemed there was something else going on. Even if I didn't know what was happening, we shared that', she huffed, 'Now he stays silent for most of the time, what would be unsettling enough; and then it seems to be too much for him, and he blurts out a lot of really awful things'.

Bort wrote down about CC thinking of that thing they had between them, and the fact she couldn't name it, and decided to ask about the circumstances of Niles' extreme changes of behavior, 'Does it happen when you are alone?'

'He does all he can to not be alone with me and, when there are other people around, he treats me as if I was the most disgusting person he has ever met', she gulped, 'It is almost as if I was forcing him to choose between pretending I don't exist and hating my guts'.

'This is very intriguing', Bort pondered.

'I'm curious to know why', CC half-mocked, half-pleaded for an explanation.

Bort relented, 'It seems Niles can't decide how to show his feelings of uncertainty and, let's say it, fear: he sometimes chooses to keep a low profile, as if to hide from you in plain sight; and, sometimes, he chooses to attack you, as if his only option is to intimidate you'.

'Isn't it?!', CC opened her arms, 'He feels menaced, and I can't understand why he is reacting like this exactly when I'm trying to be nice', she crossed her arms again and frowned, 'Even with the foreign language idea in mind, it's hard to explain why he won't even think that maybe it's safe to believe me. Am I so horrible?', Bort just observed while CC went on and on, 'Yesterday Maxwell had to ask him to get out of the office, because he would mock every single thing I said. And I gave him no real reason – I was just talking about work and Niles kept interrupting to call me fat, a hooker, stupid and whatever he thought fitted in the moment'.

'So, his reaction to you being nice is being more aggressive'.

'Yes'.

'How do you feel about it?'

'I'm at a loss!'

'Stop looking for explanations, or any reasoning. Try to access your feelings: what does his reactions to you make you feel?'

CC went silent and, when she spoke again, her voice faltered, 'It gives me a… an empty feeling. I miss something. I don't know what it is, I just know it is about him and the things he represents to me'.

Doctor Bort observed her patient closing her eyes again for a moment, in an attempt to control her emotions, and said softly, 'He may just feel uncomfortable and not know what to do with your new attitude'.

The woman gulped down the emotion, 'I can't understand him, and it drives me nuts. He was always unpredictable, but this is ridiculous: why can't he believe in me when I act nice?'

Bort insisted softly, 'Maybe he believes, but doesn't know what to do with it'.

CC shook her head, 'It makes no sense. If he believed, he would be using my goodness against me, or plotting something really nasty to make me regret the change. It would bring things back to normal, if he didn't like the way they are now', she shook her head, saddened, 'It seems he can't stand me, no matter what I do'.

Bort noticed the sadness and wrote it down, 'He is acting like a frightened animal, in fact: running away when possible, attacking when cornered'.

CC got furious again, 'What bothers me is exactly the hysterics: he is probably in panic at the thought I know something he doesn't, and that I'm acting on it before he realizes what is happening'.

Bort frowned at this new theory and decided to move on, 'Once we can just speculate about Niles' reactions now, let's focus on your needs for a while'.

'That would be nice', CC shrugged, 'He must have something against me, and I have no clue what it is, for the time being'.

Bort knew that topic was not closed, but persevered in the search for another angle of attack, 'Let's get back to the feelings that Niles' actions bring in you. When he insults you, how do you feel?'

'Eager to get back at him', her eyes shone, 'Our games can be fun! There are… there were days in which we would trade zingers through the house as if we were characters in a sitcom with great writers: it is perfect!'

'However, lately it is not what has been happening', Bort smirked, 'And you haven't named the feeling you have now'.

CC closed her mouth and thought hard. After some time, she spoke slowly, 'Well… I used to think he made me feel… disrespected. Now I now it's not it. I feel betrayed'.

'As if he should…?'

'When he started acting awful, I didn't just stop talking to him – I kept exchanging zingers and pretending I haven't noticed the change. I wished to do something for… us, and I thought the better was treating it as a phase. I have never done something like this for anyone – when people do something I don't like, I crush them', CC's eyes were saddened, and she joined her hands on her stomach, 'It hurts me he can't believe it to the point he reacts as if I am just waiting for the right moment to attack'.

'But the feeling you mention is betrayal, not offense'.

'Exactly: what bothers me is the fact he is doing things that don't make sense to our previous relationship. I don't get offended because I know there is something wrong in this – as if he is sick, or temporarily insane, and I must help him reach his balance', CC sighed, 'Maybe I'm totally wrong, and he is being sincere now, and just plain showing how he really hates and despises me'.

Bort rolled her eyes and then schooled her voice, 'We have already commented here that Niles always acted as if he considered you a different kind of person. We have talked about how much he seeks your attention, too, and that he doesn't try to manipulate you in the same basis he does to other people'.

'…yes'.

'We have established he seeks some kind of recognition from you, and we have established he doesn't see you as he sees everybody else'.

'It sounds as if he considers me above other people, what is absurd'.

'It's not, if you think that he is afraid of your nice words'.

CC frowned deeply, 'I still don't get it'.

'Has Niles had any self-esteem problems that you know of?'

She pondered for some moments, and her face was illuminated by a memory, 'I remember him dancing by himself when he thought the house was empty. He was in his underwear, I arrived with no warning, and I must say I had a good surprise…'

'Why? Is he such a good dancer?'

CC grinned, 'Yes, Doctor, he is… and with very nice legs, I must say…'

Bort smiled, 'Have you told him so at the occasion?'

'Of course not! He threw me a zinger – You realize, of course, now I'm going to have to kill you, and I just teased him as much as I could about how ridiculous he was… I had to pretend I was not interested and went to the office, but it was difficult not to challenge him to give me a little show in exchange for my silence…', she shook her head to get away from the memory and went serious, 'Anyway, what I meant to say was that sometimes he is confident and proud of himself, and then he goes moping around about how fat and old and poor he is…'

'And then he balances it by calling you fat and old?'

'And snob. Yes'.

'Maybe that is why he reacted so badly at your change in behavior: he is used to bring you down to what he thinks is his level, and then suddenly you are raising him to yours'.

CC was wide eyed, 'Damn…'

Bort prodded, 'Yes?'

'Do you think his inner logic is fighting his own insecurities all the time? That he can't believe I'm being nice because, some way, I managed to convince him I would never be nice to him because he is not worth it? And then he is in panic because he really thinks I'm just building a trap?'

'It's a good assumption'.

CC huffed, 'But we can't be sure, I know. I'll need another experiment'.

'And how do you intend to conduct it?'

'I need to think of the details, but I must make clear to him I consider him worth. Someway I'll have to show him what we have between us is especial, but it can work just if he trusts me'.

Bort had to wait for a moment to talk, or the grin would reach her voice, 'What do you intend to reach as results?'

'If he trusts me, he will stop being the crazy person he has been, because if he thinks I consider him an equal, he won't have the need to put me down'.

'And what do you think he will do, once he gets over his need to put you down?'

'Maybe he will be back to being the Niles he was when we met… the one that would play with me, but not try to hurt me… I don't know. Maybe I miss Sara and everything we had, and I'm trying to reach for something that is not there, anymore'.

Bort waited for a moment for CC let the sudden tears run down, and then said softly, 'I think it's very important that you mentioned Sara, once the first time Niles changed radically towards you was soon after her death'.

CC sniffed, 'Yes, it was'.

'People grieve in different ways. Maxwell refused any emotional interaction; Margareth turned shy and quiet. Brighton pulled pranks; Grace created an imaginary friend; you tried to occupy some of Sara's roles… How did Niles grieve?'

CC frowned, 'I don't know… I don't remember him for long in the wake… He was probably organizing things for Maxwell and Sara's family. I just remember him at the cemetery: he was very serious and solemn, looking around all the time, as if he had to take care of everything. He stayed by Maxwell's side, and when it was over, he took him by the arm and leaded him to the car…. I remember Niles turning and I felt he was looking for me, but I couldn't face anyone, or I would cry, and I didn't want to cry… I turned away and went home alone, without talking to anyone. I even disconnected my phones, for the next days, after he called me that night and left a message about making sure I was all right. I called the mansion and curtly informed him not to worry and be back to his business, because Maxwell needed him. I remember he was silent for a moment, and then just wished me a good day and rang on'.

'So… You never saw Niles showing his pain, as much as you never showed him yours'.

'I thought my pain was obvious enough. I was friends with Sara, and I don't have friends'.

'And how was his relationship with Sara? Was he just a servant?'

'No! Sara relied on him a lot. He was a lot more present than Maxwell, in fact, and he had to teach her how to deal with a lot of things related to children', CC smiled fondly, 'I remember once he ordered her to stop fussing with something, because he was the trained professional in the room, and she burst into laughter and hugged him… And she told him, CC said it all – it's suspicious how you're always right. I was at the door of the nursery, they had not seen me, and I remember he looked at her and grinned in that foolish happy way, asking her She said that?

Bort inclined into her patient's direction, 'So, you have elements that point to Niles being interested in your opinion on him a long time ago. And you have elements to believe he had a strong bond with Sara, and had to grieve alone'.

'Everybody had to grieve alone, with Maxwell being closed in himself'.

'Mister Sheffield grieved alone?'

'He never let anyone near him'.

'But you tried'.

'You know I've tried! I stayed around, I did what I could for him, I invited him to go out, I offered massages, I…', CC facepalmed, 'Damn!'

Bort waited for a moment and added, 'Yes, Maxwell had you, and the children had Niles. After one year, you were back, here. Who took care of Niles?'

CC went silent for a long time, visibly shaken.

The therapist asked softly, 'What are you thinking?'

'That… He was alone, through all of that. I mean, when he looked at me in the cemetery, I went away because I didn't want him to see how fragile I was. And, in fact, it could have been him asking for help. He had all the burden on his shoulders, after all…', she covered her face with her hands, 'Damn… I never realized…'

'You always said he changed after that'.

'I never thought things could be related… I was so focused on helping Maxwell to get out of his shell and not to let the business close that I guessed Niles was jealous of the attention Maxwell was giving me…'

'However, Maxwell was not giving you any attention. You were giving attention to Maxwell'.

CC was wide-eyed, 'It means Niles… could be jealous… of me?'

'You have changed, turned all of your attention to another man, and Niles didn't seem to take it well', Bort shrugged, 'You draw your own conclusions'.

A new silence. Then, the blonde spoke with certainty, 'Now I changed again, and he may be having a déjà vu – thinking every time I change it means I'm betraying him…'

'You used the idea of betrayal again', Bort pointed out, deciding to be bold, 'As if you two were in a relationship based in trust'.

CC went silent one more time and, when she spoke, her voice was low and trembling, 'The other possibility to express it is that I have abandoned him when he needed me most', the tears ran down again, 'And it hurts as hell to think I have been that cruel to him'.

'You relied so much on his strength it didn't occur to you that he could need you'.

'I severed whatever bonds we had established while Sara was alive. What kind of person am I, if I simply forgot to consider the needs of a person that has turned so important to me through the years?', CC made an effort to speak, 'Maybe he is right in fearing me. I really can hurt him. I've done it before'.

Bort reached down for a box of tissues and handed them to CC. When she felt her patient had calmed down a bit, she said, 'It seems you have a new element to work, now'.

'Yes', CC answered, the rational side of the situation making her sound more like her confident self again, 'The ball is in my court. I have failed with Niles once, and now I must make sure he knows I won't do it again'.

'Do what?'

'Hurt him'.

'What have you done to hurt him, then?'

'I have left him alone'.

'How?'

CC thought before answering, 'I didn't let us get close enough'.

Bort let the enthusiasm show in her voice, 'That's a very interesting way to phrase it, Miss Babcock'.

'And you'll probably say now our time is up, so I can go home with that huge thing to deal with'.

The Doctor smirked at the teasing and answered in kind, 'If you think you're not able to cope with it, you can still stay for a while'.

CC swung her legs to the side of the sofa, sat up and squinted at her therapist, 'Don't start with me, you quack. I have a lot to think about, and I'm perfectly capable of doing some of the thinking by myself'.

Bort got up, 'I'm glad to hear it'.

CC mirrored her and added, with a surprisingly excited smile, 'Me, too'.