I See You
Chapter 4
Fin practically ran towards the waiting area where Liv and Dodds were anxiously standing, waiting for any news or updates on Amanda's condition. "Where is she? Is she okay?" Fin asked.
Liv sighed and ran her fingers through her hair in frustration. "We don't know anything yet. The baby got into some difficulties in the ambulance and Amanda has lost a lot of blood. That's all I know. How are you doing?"
Fin rolled his eyes. "I'll live. Just a bit dazed from the fall but cleared for duty. I'm more worried about Amanda. How's Emily?" they had almost forgotten about their rape victim.
Dodds stepped in. "She's fine, just shook up and bruised. Josh didn't make it." taking a deep breath he shoved his hands into his pockets and began pacing. "1PP is going to have a field day with this one." he muttered.
Liv snorted. "Yeah, tell me about it. Tucker is probably at the precinct already waiting to get his hands on this." she sighed, "I'll deal with it when I know Amanda is gonna be okay."
Fin threw her a glance wondering why his sargeant was suddenly so worried about Amanda's wellbeing. "I'll hang around if you have to go back to the station?" he offered.
"No way!"Liv snapped, causing Fin and Dodds to jump slightly. "I can't believe this happened. It shouldn't have happened. What were you thinking? It was a dangerous and an unpredictable situation and you just had to walk right into it? You should've waited until I got there. You follow my orders, detective." she glared at Dodds who looked stunned, "and that goes for you too."
"If we had waited Emily would be dead." Fin added.
Liv turned around to face her senior detective, anger oozing from every pore. "Yeah, and now Amanda might not make it, or her baby, is that what you wanted when you informed her that you were going in to play the hero?"
Fin was just about to dfend himself when Dodds interrupted by taking a step closer. "Um, actually sarge... that was me. I rang Rollins... not Fin."
Liv raised her eyebrows. She was getting sick of this whole situation already and needed some time to cool down and gather her thoughts. Sighing she shook her head. "Look, just head down to the station and get the paperwork rolling. I'm staying here until I know what's going on. I need to calm myself down before I say something I'll regret." she watched as her two colleagues walked with bowed heads, down the corridor, like two school boys who had just been punished for being bold.
Olivia sat down, rested her elbows on her knees and leaned forward. That's when she noticed Amanda's dried blood on her hands. Feeling sick to her stomach at the sight she hurried to the nearest bathroom and shakily began to scrub, scrape and claw at her skin. When her hands were clean she glanced down at the crimson water that had gathered in the sink. Remembering running her hands through her hair earlier she checked for any blood in her dark tresses and was relieved when there was nothing there to clean.
She walked back out into the waiting area and was immediately stopped by a middle-aged man in dark scrubs. "Are you here for Amanda Rollins?"
"Yes," Liv quickly stated and inched closer to the doctor. "How is she? How's the baby?"
The doctor, who's name tag read Dr Davis, scratched the back of his neck. "Well, I'm not suppose to give out information to non family members but since she didn't want me to contact her family I need to respect her wishes. You're her sargeant, correct?" he asked.
Benson nodded. "Yeah, I am." she showed him her badge, complete procedure. "Wait, she told you not to cantact her family? So she's okay? I mean, she spoke to you?"
"Yes, as soon as I began working on her she grabbed my arm and told me not to contact her family, said she didn't have one anyways. Is that correct?" he looked at Liv with a questioning frown.
"Um... Yes. I suppose you could say that." she didn't want to go against Amanda's wishes either by contacting her mother so she pushed that thought away pretty quickly. "Will she be okay?"
Dr Davis nodded. "Yes, she's fine and the baby is fine. Her shoulder was dislocated so it's now placed in a sling, the cut by her eyebrow is stitched up and the bullet didn't hit any internal organs, nerves or arteties. It was more of a flesh wound really. Through and through, nicely stitched up and bandaged." he paused before taking a breath. "The baby was in distress when she got here but it's now under control. The baby is fine, she just need to take it easy and get plenty of bed rest. Stress is not good for the baby or the mother. I suggest early maternity leave so she can focus on relaxing and getting stronger."
"Is she awake? Can I see her?" the brunette asked as she took a step closer to the surgeon.
"You're not gonna call her family, are you?" he asked the tall woman in front.
"No, um... her family is... um, complicated. Can I see her now?"
The doctor nodded. "Sure, down the hall to the left, room 346. I want to keep her here for a few days just to make sure everything is okay before I discharge her."
Liv gave him a quick smile and nodded her thanks. She headed down towards the blonde's room and entered. Amanda was laying down, eyes cosed, one arm in a sling and the other resting on her stomach. The cut above her eye looked sore but it was indeed nicely stitched, it would hardly leave a scar. The brunette didn't know if she was asleep or just resting. Grabbing a chair she took a seat next to the bed and found herself not able to resist the urge to reach out and touch the blonde's hand.
As she did so Amanda flinched and shrugged back in surprise. Judging by the look on her face Olivia could tell that her shoulder was hurting her from the startled movement. "Hey," Liv soothed and again placed her hand on the one laying on top of Amanda's stomach. "It's just me. You're okay." brown eyes full of empathy and concern focused on Amanda's pale and tired features.
Shifting slightly in the bed the blonde managed to sit up a bit. "Hi." she said confusion evident. "What are you doing here?"
The older woman sighed but didn't let her emotions show. "I'm here because I was worried about you. We all were, and I still am. Amanda, what you did was..." Liv shook her head, trying to come up with appropriate words to make Amanda see how reckless her actions had been. However she didn't have to worry about it since the blonde decided to speak.
"I know, it was a stupid, idiotic and a totally fucked up thing to do. I... I don't know what I was thinking and I apologize, I really am sorry. It won't happen again, sarge. I promise."
"Damn right it won't." Liv finally snapped. "From now on you're on early maternity leave. No desk duty, no filing papers and not even a phone call. You're on bed rest from this very second. That's an order."
Amanda looked at her sargeant and couldn't help but to feel ashamed of what she had done and seeing Liv angry and disappointed with her was almost too much."I'm sorry." she mumbled, trying not to let the tears show as they slowly began filling her eyes. Turning her head she hoped that Liv wouldn't notice.
She did notice but decided not to make a big deal out f it, knowing that Amanda would get self conscious and embarrassed. The older woman bit her lip and closed her eyes briely in an attempt to calm down. "I know you are." she said softly. "Can you tell me why you did it? What was going through your head when you decided to throw yourself in front of a bullet?" Olivia really wanted to know and understand why the blonde had acted the way she did. What makes a person so irresponsible, so reckless, so impulsively stupid, so... so... so protective and loyal? Amanda was a mix of all of these traits and it confused the brunette.
Amanda shrugged but regretted it when a stabbing pain shot through her shoulder. Liv placed a hand on her knee. "Easy, just relax."
The blonde looked down at the strong hand resting on her leg. Her stomach made a flip from the electric contact, her skin tingling from the touch. Suddenly she pulled her leg to the side to avoid any more physical altercations. She didn't trust herself or her body at this moment.
Sensing that Amanda was uncomfortable from the touch she pulled her hand away but still stayed close. "Can you tell me why, Amanda?" she gently urged once again.
Blue eyes didn't know where to focus. Her gaze flickered across the room until she finally lowered her head, spotting a loose thread sicking out from the hospital blanket and began twirling it around her finger. "I... I don't know." she said so softly it was almost a whisper. "I... I guess I wasn't thinking I just reacted. I know it sounds like a lame excuse but... that's what happened."
The brunette witnessed a stray tear fall from a pale cheekbone and onto the sheets, creating a tiny wet circle on her hospital gown. "Did you ever stop and think about the baby?" Liv asked gently, keeping her tone low and soft to not sound threatening.
The blonde stopped playing with the piece of thread and got a distant look on her face. She was quiet for about a minute before she opened her mouth to speak. "I... I wasn't... I didn't... I mean I didn't think... I..." her voice failed and reality and truth kicked in. "Oh my god!" she said in shock, closing her eyes she began rocking slightly back and forth. "The baby! My baby! How could I do that to my own baby? What kind of a person am I? Who does that to their own child?" she bagan to rant and continued her rocking motion. It was like everything around her disappeared and she was trapped in a dark whole trying to get out. She was experiencing tunnel vision.
The brunette watched as Amanda headed closer to the edge of a panic attack. Her anger and frustration was taken over by sympathy and patience. She sat down at the side of the bed and took a hold of Amanda's free arm and held her hand firmly, letting her thumb stroke the bony knuckles. "Easy. Breath with me, Amanda. Slow breaths, in and out. You're okay, you're okay." by repeating those words over and over she could see the blonde starting to calm down. "Why don't you lay back down and try to get some rest? You're okay, the baby is okay and everything is gonna be okay." she soothed.
Amanda came back to the present surroundings and looked Liv straight in the eye, shame creeping up on her face. "I'm sorry, I... I..."
"Stop it, honey." the brunette spoke gently, the endearment slipped but Amanda barely noticed it in her shaken state. "Don't apologize. It's okay, Amanda. It's okay." her hand was still holding onto a trembling smaller one and gripped it tighter when she saw a shiver go threw the blonde's frame.
"It's not okay." Amanda whispred, her now brimming eyes looking off into the distance, not really focusing on anything.
Olivia brought the blanket up to the blonde's chin while still holding her hand comfortingly. "Then we'll make it okay." she said in such a soft and soothing voice that Amanda almost believed her.