TwoflowerxRincewind

Special thanks to Rocky Rooster for reviewing! I agree, Rincewind deserves truelove as much as the next guy (maybe even more so.) Though I doubt it would change his personality much.

Chapter 4: Fire Insurance

With only her home-made phrase book to help her Twoflower was trying to explain what insurance was to the innkeeper whom she found out to be Broadman. It wasn't easy though as she honestly couldn't tell whether or not he understood. He seemed to be listening intently to her though, so she must have said something he liked.

"So see if there was to be a flame, fire, inferno, blaze, heat, hot," she took a breath. "and the place were to singe, burn, over heat, explode, then I would pay you two hundred rhinu so you could rebuild." She held up a coin for him to see. Broadman's jaw dropped.
"Two hundred?" he gasped. Twoflower nodded.
"Two hundred," she repeated. "But first, one, before you would have to pay, give, present, a 'stiffen.'" He frowned.
"Stiffen?" Twoflower sighed. She wondered if Ninereeds, her late husband, ever had this sort of trouble. Where on earth was Rincewind? She could really use him here. And her luggage for that matter she wondered. Did they get lost?

On the other end of the table the man 'Ymor' was watching them, occasionally feeding one of his ravens with scraps from his plate. Beside him another man, Withel, paced up and down. They were in deep conversation, but as curious as Twoflower was she could not understand them.

Well, it took a considerable amount of time, but Twoflower finally managed to explain what an 'insurance policy' was to the innkeeper. Broadman was more than happy to accept and soon afterward he quickly hurried off to do was Twoflower assumed to be innkeeper work.
Alone, Twoflower folded her hand her hands and rocked in boredom. As quaint as the Drum was, Twoflower really wanted to explore the city. She didn't want to appear rude to these gentlemen however. They had been very kind to her after all. Yet despite this, Twoflower could feel herself getting restless. If only something exciting were to happen; a brawl perhaps.

As she thought this, the door was slammed back on its hinges and hitting the wall. Twoflower jumped and Broadman screamed at the intruder. Then his eyes widen and he quickly ducked behind the table a mere moment before a short black dart sped across the room and thunked into the woodwork. Twoflower blinked, but Ymor was quite calm as he poured out another flagon of beer. He spoke to the stranger and his own companion, but Twoflower was more in awe of the stranger who spun his short blowgun dexterously and slotted it into its holster in one smooth movement. Well, things certainly did get interesting, quick!
He strolled down the stairs, followed by a number of men all clothed in black. When he was directly in front of Ymor they said a few words before two of the black clothed men stepped towards her. Stren intercepted them however, his sword appearing to materialize an inch from their throats. Things got tense and Twoflower got curious, wondering what exactly was going on. It was a bit before Twoflower realized the new comer staring at her, but when she did, she grinned shyly and waved. He went back to talking to Ymor, but stopped when once again the door flew open, badly damaging the person who was standing beside it. Twoflower stared up at the figure on the threshold.
It was short, fat and richly dressed dwarf. But what really caught the little lady's attention was the number of tall, big shapes looming behind him.
Trolls! She never had the pleasure of meeting a troll before. Oh, how she wished she had her iconicon! Several very large trolls ducked under the doorway and stood on either side of the fat man, blinking in the light. Muscles the size of melons bulged in forearms like flour sacks and each troll held a double-headed axe. Broadman erupted from under the table and started to yell, but gods if she knew what they were saying. After Broadman had cheerfully decided to retreat to the cellar, the men started to speak. It was then that Twoflower began to understand the feeling of being lonely in crowded room. They were so many wonderful and interesting people, but Twoflower could not speak to a single one of them. She was happy to "look" at them, of course, but without her iconicon to take their picture, how would she ever remember them?
She heaved a heavy sigh. Honestly, no one would even notice if she left to look for her luggage.

Just as Twoflower was contemplating going to bed, she saw the stranger near her bring his blowgun to his mouth and send a dart hissing towards the nearest troll. It spun around, hurling its axe, which whirred over the assassin's head and buried itself in a person behind him. Another troll behind him raised its huge iron crossbow and fired a spear-length quarrel into the nearest black clothed stranger.

From there things became very interesting. A great brawl broke out, more exciting than Twoflower ever imagined! Oh, how she wished she had her picture box. She gasped in gleeful surprise as a knife went past her ear. My, things were getting rather rough. Perhaps it would be best if she didn't observe the brawl from the center of it all.
Careful to not interrupt anyone, Twoflower made her way to the side and climbed into the rafters. There, she thought, she could still watch the brawl without getting in the way. She was watching the brawl like a child would watch a puppet show when something even odder happened;

Through one of the Drum's windows a small bag flew in across the room and burst on the edge of a table. A moment later gold coins were rolling across the floor, spinning, glittering. Twoflower frowned as the room went silent, save for the tiny noises of gold and the whimpers of the wounded. Withel yelled something and three score men and a dozen trolls froze in mid-grope. Twoflower watched them curiously.

'What on the disc…?' Then for the third time that night, the door burst open and two trolls hurried through it. They then quickly slammed it behind them dropped the heavy bar across it and fled down the stairs. It was a waste of time however, for the door exploded a moment later and the wooden bar was hurled far across the room. Door and frame landed on a table and both flew into splinters. Squinting, Twoflower noticed that it was her luggage. It was shaking itself madly to free itself of the smashed timber around it.
"That's my luggage!" Twoflower said in the same way one would talk about their pet. A moment later, Rincewind appeared in the ruined doorway hurling an odd bag. It smashed into a wall, showering coins. That was when it dawned on her; Rincewind must have noticed her disappointment about missing the brawl earlier that day and so he had paid these men to stage a brawl! Oh, he was so sweet!

She watched him with bright eyes as the wizard sprang to the ceiling with amazing height. He must have used a spell or had really strong legs. Twoflower maneuvered her way over to him.
"This is so exciting!" she giggled behind him. He jumped a bit, startled.
"How come you're up here?" he gasped. Twoflower shrugged innocently.
"I thought I'd better not get in everyone's way." Then she added, "A real brawl! Better than anything I'd imagined! However did you put them up to it?" Rincewind stared at her as if she had suddenly grown a second head. "Do you think I ought to thank them?" she asked as the brawlers started throwing themselves out the windows to escape the luggage, or at least the humans did. The trolls burst through the walls and the dwarves followed. Rincewind looked at her blankly.
"I think we ought to be getting down now," he said hollowly. "Everyone's gone."

Indeed, the inn was all but empty now, with a few corpses and unconscious blokes scattered across the floor.

Rincewind helped Twoflower down from the beams and led her across the littered floor and up the steps. Outside, Twoflower could see that there were still a few stars however the moon was gone. Rimward, there was a faint grey glow.

"That was so exciting! I can't wait to see what you have planned next!" Rincewind let out a long hollowed sigh.
"At this rate? The gravesite followed by a trip to the afterlife." He sniffed the air. "Can you smell oil?" Before Twoflower could respond Rincewind was tripped and from the shadows Withel appeared. Twoflower stepped forward and stopped, not knowing exactly what was going on.

Rincewind rolled over and looked up at Withel, as if he expected the man to attack him with a sword that looked like a needle. However he did not and instead waited for Rincewind to stand. After a few quiet words from the other, Rincewind did. Very slowly, and drew from his belt a short sword. It was short and very blunt compared to Withel's. Rincewind wailed something, but Twoflower couldn't understand as it was in Ankh-Morkporian. She thought they were friends, so what was happening? Why were they pulling weapons on one another?
"Rincewind?" Twoflower said. Not exactly scared, but confused. "What-"
"Just stand back or we'll both get killed!" Rincewind quickly snapped in Trob. His eyes were focused on Withel with a look Twoflower almost took for terror as a bead of sweat ran down his face. He said something desperately and Withel smiled coldly. Suddenly he lunged forward and Rincewind caught the thrust heroically. He jerked his hand away and managed to deflect the second stroke before the third one stabbed through his robe at heart-height. Twoflower gasped just as gold coins began to drop out of the hem of the wizard's robe.
'That was a very inventive trick.' She thought, watching the wizard in awe as he handled the thief. Just then there was an explosion, erupted from the drums and its walls billowed outward and carried the roof a hundred feet into the air before bursting through it in a gout of red-hot tiles. Twoflower stared in amazed awe at the scene. She was only brought out of this trance when the strangled gurgle of her guide reached her ears. She turned and saw Withel reach out with both hands and grab Rincewind's neck, forcing him down to the ground.

That was far enough for Twoflower. Quickly she looked around and found Withel's sword. She grabbed it and pointed it at the thief's back.

"Excuse me," she said, nervously, but also firm. Withel released his grip and slowly got off the wizard. Rincewind quickly scrambled to his feet and his eyes narrowed. He reached into his robe, and then withdrew his hand bunched into a fist. Meanwhile Twoflower was holding the blade rather shakily. She had never picked up a weapon before.
"Am I doing this right?" she asked anxiously. Suddenly Withel started to turn on her and Rincewind lashed out and caught the thief on the jaw. Twoflower stared at the wizard in amazement as the thief quietly toppled into the mud. Rincewind uncurled his stinging fist and the roll of gold coins slipped between his throbbing fingers. Twoflower blinked down at the thief.
"Is he alright?"
"Probably." Rincewind muttered. He looked up and yelled as an ember landed on his neck.

Twoflower looked up and saw that the flames were racing like steads along the rooftops on the other side of the street. People were hurling possessions from windows and dragging horses from smoking stables. An explosion from the Drum sent a whole marble mantelpiece towards them. It only missed Twoflower because Rincewind yanked her down in the nick of time.
"The Widdershin Gate's the nearest!" he shouted above the crackle of collapsing rafters. "Come on!"
"But!"
"Come on!" He grabbed Twoflower's reluctant arm and dragged her down the street.
"But my luggage!" she cried.
"Blast your luggage! Stay here much longer and you'll go where you don't need luggage!"

They jogged through the crowd of frightened people leaving the area. Twoflower was so sad to see so many people lose their homes. She hoped that they had some sort of backup plan for situations like this. She turned to Rincewind to ask about this, but stopped. He had a tight grip on her hand so they wouldn't be separated by the crowds. He was muttering something to himself with a puzzled frown.

"I'm sure all the candles went out," he said. "So how did the Drum catch fire?"
"I don't know," moaned Twoflower. "Oh, it's so terrible, Rincewind. We were getting along so well, too." Rincewind stopped in astonishment, so that another refugee cannoned into him and spun away with an angry voice.
"Getting on?!" he gasped, a look of aghast on his face as he released her hand. She nodded.
"Oh, yes. They were really friendly." Twoflower explained. "I thought language was a bit of a problem, but they were so keen for me to join them. I saw them talking to you and figured that they must be your friends. You know, I wasn't sure what you were up to until the brawl started. Again, it was really wonderful for you to plan that all for me." Rincewind opened his mouth a few time, but seemed to have forgotten how to use words. So instead he gapped at the woman. Twoflower turned to look in the direction of the Drum.
"This will all be a terrible a blow for poor Broadman," she continued. "Still, at least he was wise. I've still got the rhinu he paid as his first premium." Rincewind's frown deepened.
"You inn-sewered the Drum?" he said. "You bet Broadman it wouldn't catch fire?"
"Oh yes. Standard valuation. Two hundred rhinu, just like my late husband told me." Twoflower tilted her head. "Why do you ask?" She watched the man curiously as he looked every which way before settling back on the tourist.
"You-!" he began, "You!" he repeated. He stumbled for a moment before turning to yell at the empty shadows behind him. Twoflower wondered about his sanity as he turned back to her. With an exasperated breath, Rincewind grabbed Twoflower again.
"Let's get out of here!"

&8&

Rincewind led Twoflower through the panicked city, his mind reeling with panic and anger. Inn-sewer-ants! Betting a worm like Broadman that it wouldn't catch fire! Honestly! What on the disc was she thinking! Did she even realize that all of Ankh-Morpork was burning because of that wager? He sincerely doubted it.
Glancing behind him he saw that the woman was looking as the erupting fire with amazement. What was wrong with the girl? Rincewind winced as the flames grew. This was no good! They needed a faster way to get out of here. As he ran, he spotted a merchant hurrying two horses along. He dragged Twoflower over to them.

"How much?" he asked quickly. The merchant looked him over as if he was insane to be shopping in the middle of a fire, which he was. However a true merchant never turned down a sale, even if it was literally raining fire.

"Forty pieces." He said. Rincewind frowned as he looked the beasts over. The merchant was defiantly asking fifty times their worth, but he expected no less. He looked at Twoflower who was looking up nervously at it.
"Can you ride?" he asked. She shook her head and Rincewind sighed. He turned to the merchant. "We'll take one." He hastily shoved a gold coin into a very surprised and trembling hand. Then he walked over to Twoflower and helped her on to the stead, before climbing on behind her. Because of the height difference, she was able to settle quite easily between his arms. With snap of the reigns, Rincewind turned the horse towards the Widdershin Gates.

The timbers of the Widdershin Gate were already on fire when they, reached them. Rincewind's face was blistered and reddened from the flames. Twoflower, shielded by Rincewind's form was red but no worse for the wear. They rode through just as the big gate timbers fell in an explosion of sparks. Once they had escaped the city, Rincewind let out a breath of air. They made it! He couldn't believe it! They were alive.

For now anyway.

End of Chapter 4

No real romance yet, I know but love takes time. Especially when you're as naïve as Twoflower and pessimistic as Rincewind. I'll slip a little something in the next chapter though.