The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and centre
Clarity, peace, serenity
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Big girls don't cry- Fergie

"I think you've had enough now, Asuka." Amal had said, speaking to me in a motherly tone. It was a gentle suggestion I know, but right at that present moment I didn't feel like complying with her request.

"I'm fine." I mumbled stubbornly, downing another shot. A disgusted look slashed into my tired features after I swallowed. Gott, I'm pathetic. My mind concluded for me. Drinking myself stupid over some guy. No, that wasn't true. James wasn't just some random guy whom I just simply decided to date one day, he was different from the other men and no I am NOT exaggerating when I say that! Unlike the rest of the German male population, James treated me as an intelligent being and wanted to be with me not for my physical appearance or he simply saw me as an easy piece of fine ass (of course he's seen me deal with men like that before), but because of what made me be Asuka Zeppelin.

Whenever I wanted to talk about the most trivial matters, he would listen. Whenever I was in one of my bitchy moods and people were beginning to find me unpleasant, he would be patient. And whenever I had a horrible nightmare that led me to the state of tears, he would simply hold me. No questions asked, his embrace whispered, James was just that kind of guy. So it's not surprising to say why I fell in love with him, he made me feel safe. With him, I felt like no one could harm me because I knew that I could always rely on him, that he would always be there to protect me from any danger. To me, James was the AT field to my Eva.

Okay bizarre choice for a metaphor I admit, but it's fitting.

"No, you're NOT fine!" Amal stated, placing her hands on her hips. Uh-oh, she's about to give me a lecture. "Here you are destroying your liver by drowning yourself in tequila just because he said that he was going for a job interview in another country and said that if he got it, he wanted you to come."

Hearing her point out my childish behavior left me wincing. Amal was right, it had taken James nearly five minutes to calm me down and let him finish with the rest of his news which was yes, that he was going to America for a few days and he said that if he got the job he'd move, but he wanted me to come along with him. I should have been happy when he said that and yet I wasn't. For some reason I just couldn't find myself to smile or give James a response of any kind. Instead I simply walked into our room, changed into some warmer clothes, packed my belongings into my messenger bag, and I left the apartment. No good-bye or anything.

Gott, I'm such a bitch.

Noticing my sudden quietness, she continued in a more softer tone. "I don't get Asuka, I thought you would be happy that he's willing to commit. You've been wanting this for so long."

That's true, I have been wanting James to commit for over a year and now I have the chance, so why aren't I happy? This has been something that I've wanted for a long time, but now I'm not so sure. I guess that annoying little cliché saying is true- The grass is no greener on the other side!

Damn it what's wrong with me? I finally have the opportunity to obtain happiness by being with the kind of guy whom I have always wanted and hoped for, the chance to begin a new life. So why aren't I happy? Suddenly I felt anger surge into my veins; I love James, I want to be with him forever and now I can be, but I feel no joy at the thought.

Why? What's wrong with me? What's going on? Why aren't I happy? I should be, I deserve it, but I'm not. Why? WHY!? WHY CAN'T I BE HAPPY FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE?!

I found myself debating, forgetting that it was futile. I think the bigger question is, Asuka; Does James even make you happy? The other part of my mind asked, proving me wrong. The way it was asked in such a haunting tone that it brought up an issue I had never even considered. An epiphany struck the back of my mind like a sledgehammer to concrete and left my stomach feeling nauseous, "Kimochi warui."

"Excuse me?" Amal asked, raising an eyebrow. I didn't realize that I had just spoken in Japanese.

"I feel sick." I repeated, this time in German. Covering my hands over my mouth, I got up from my seat and ran to Amal's bathroom.

And there goes my dignity.

Morning.

The beginning of day.

Another terrible day, I wish this wasn't so... Being a bit over dramatic there aren't we, Asuka?

"I suppose," came my mumbled reply.

Wunderbar, I'm talking to myself out loud!

Now it's official, I've become schizophrenic. Get out the streamers and balloons people because we're going to have a parade, a black parade. I can see it now: I'll announce for those to see 'Welcome To The Black Parade.' Original, I know.

I suppose it shouldn't be that surprising I would finally one day be declared crazy, after all I did pilot a gigantic red mecha that incidentally possessed the soul of my late mother against beings that were supposedly meant to be messengers from God. With a job like that there was bound to be some issues, I'm just surprised that my insanity it didn't occur any sooner by let's just say... nine years or so! Am I right or am I right?

Of course I'm right, I'm Asuka Zeppelin for Gott's sake.

Nice to know that I'm back to my conceited old self.

"All is right with the world." I mumbled sarcastically, rolling over on my right side. I really didn't feel like getting up or waking for that matter. Sadly, fate was against me.

"Rise and shine, Asuka. Come on, up and ready!" Amal yelled cheerfully busting into the room and ripping open the blinds. I yelped as I felt my eyes adjust to the sudden light. "Usually I'd let you stay for breakfast, but James is leaving this tonight and you need to talk to him before he leaves. Plus, I don't think you're really in the mood for bacon & eggs, do you?"

A groan escaped my lips and my body harshly shuddered at the thought of food, a laugh could be heard. After finally accomplishing my goal of finding the exit from underneath my blanket, I looked into her lilac eyes and gave her my 'You are so going to die slowly & painfully' stare. Usually that scares most people when they know that its coming from me, but apparently no one ever bothered to tell me that it doesn't work when you have a hangover. "Oh you think you're sooooooooo funny. Bitch."

Amal just laughed again.

If you have ever had an argument with a family member which has left you so infuriated, so irrational; that the best solution was storming out of your home to give you and that person the time to cool off. If you have then I'm sure you will understand the shitty feeling you get when you actually have to return.

Gott why me?

The only words my brain was capable of mustering as I continued to stare at the front door of our apartment. Should I knock or simply enter? I must admit, it was the most interesting dilemma I had ever heard of and if it had been anybody else's, like the cruel bitch that I am, I would have laughed my ass off at that unfortunate person and then call them a dumb ass for worrying over such a stupid thing. Of course when it's suddenly you that has to face the task, you're quick to realise that karma tends to bite back.

All this standing around is getting me nowhere. The left part of my brain, being the calculating side, was right incidentally. Standing in front of our apartment and trying to find a solution for this problem has been as practical as me banging my head against a brick wall. Nice use of terminology, Asuka. With a small sigh, I unzipped the main section of my messenger bag and began searching for my keys, however, the task proved to be easier said than done and I soon found myself throwing my bag onto the ground.

"Stupid fucking keys," I grumbled.

Great that's all you need. My mind addressing me in a sarcastic tone. Way to go and get yourself in a bad mood Asuka, you egotistical idiot! And before you ask why I did not respond to the insults, I'll have you know that it is an incredibly fascinating experience to listen to your inner voice be insulting towards you. Never in my young life have I thought of it as actually being possible.

I needed to calm down before looking for my keys again, so I began counting from one to ten in Japanese while crouching down onto the cold concrete floor, searching through my bag as I did. "Ichi... Ni... San... Shi... Go... Roku... Nana... Hachi... Ku... To... AHA!" Yelling in triumph when I finally found them. A small smirk plastered itself onto my features as I removed the keys from my bag and I began to look for the one which would open welcome me into my home. However, before I could place the right key into the keyhole, the door suddenly opened and I came face-to-face with James himself.

An uncomfortable silence drifted between us and the sound of nothingness was beginning to pound against my mind. I know that the human mind tends to over exaggerate things when one is dealing with either guilt or fear, but the fast rhythmic beating of my heart was becoming so intense that I was almost certain that my ear drums would explode at any second from the extreme pressure. Another moment and I couldn't take it anymore, so I spoke. "James, I'm-"

Unfortunately, I couldn't continue with my apology because James had already pulled me into a hug. "Damn it Asuka, I've been so worried about you!" He really tried to sound like a stern parent scolding their child for running away. Of course, it came out mumbled because he was speaking mostly into my hair.

"I know. I shouldn't of left like that," I admitted sheepishly, burying myself deeper into his embrace. Guilt flooded my body as James' words continuously replayed in my mind. He was worried about me! I couldn't believe it. I was the one at fault, the one who walked out and yet here he is, clutching onto me like a little child who desperately missed their blanket.

"How did I ever get lucky enough to have a guy like you?" I whispered. The question wasn't intentionally for James to answer, it was meant for me, but for some reason James must have felt compelled to answer it.

"You're Asuka Zeppelin, the renowned Second Child of Evangelion Unit 02 and the warrior of the Angel Wars. You were bound to have a little good luck after sacrificing so much," pulling away from me when he answered. A small smile found its way to his lips and slowly managed to creep its way into his beautiful midnight blue eyes.

Maybe that was one of the reasons, apart from his kindness & compassion, that I fell in love with James. Maybe it was something in his eyes that I could find solace in; to be reassured that no matter how terrible things had gotten during the day, if I could look into those deep blue eyes and feel as though nothing was bothering me, then everything would be alright.

The same feeling you got whenever you looked into Shinji's.

I advise you not to listen to what my mind has got to say as she is a very talented liar and you would never be able to figure whether she is telling the truth or not. While the narrator in me finds lying to be a despicable act so I know you will be able to believe her when she says that I resent that little fact of me being reminded of Shinji's eyes. It's not true, honestly... my mind simply loves to taunt me.

You're lying, Asuka.

No I'm not because if I were lying, then people would believe that I'm not, accepted my truth and let the subject go.

You truly are in denial.

I had no sharp response to bite back at for that comment because James had already spoken again, interrupting my prepared rebuttal. "I was about to go outside searching for you when Amal called me. I would've gone over to see if you were okay but she told me that you had been drinking," he sounded regretful that he didn't come to my aid but we both knew that he had an obligation to stay away from me if I'm drunk.

I love James. He's my boyfriend and I know that he would never take advantage of me, but for some bizarre reason I didn't want him to see me like that. Maybe it's because I'm afraid I would say something that would jeopardize our relationship, or the thought of him seeing me in such a state of vulnerability. I can recall Amal once mentioning to me during one campus party that when she saw me drunk, I had reminded her of a stranded puppy. At first I was offended that she had described my drunkenness to be something so disgustingly needy, but after waking up with a hangover the next morning, Amal's words had been absorbed into my brain and I realised that she was right.

Of course after meeting James, I haven't been to a campus party in years. When I first begun dating him I remember telling Amal one day that I was no longer going to attend those kind of outings, let alone drink. Last night had been the first time in almost three years and that was because he was leaving for his home country. It's ironic when I think about it because I had left Shinji without any warning to go to my home country and yet James told me that he was leaving Germany for his home. Fuck, he even invited me to come with him! With Shinji, I gave him nothing; no opportunity, no good-bye, nothing whatsoever.

Gott, I really am a bitch!

"Danke," I replied softly, again burying my head into his chest. All five of my senses took place as they pointed out to me all the little details that made me fall in love with James.

Sight?

I have to admit that one of things that had first attracted me to James was his good looks and I'm not ashamed to admit that. His hair was sandy-blonde and short enough that if I ran my fingers though it, it would instantly spike up as well those luscious lips that I have bruised many times during our make-out sessions. James also enjoys sport so I can safely say that he is quite toned, with skin as tanned as mine and those beautiful midnight blue eyes that always make me feel my defenses crumble away.

Smell?

His scent was clean & crisp and yet, there was still a faint sweetness to it. Probably from the new soap that we've been using.

Sound?

Although the first time I had met James, both his accent & German vocabulary had been god awful, he's improved a lot since and now I find solace from listening to his accent, a mixture from both German and American influences.

Taste?

Well I can't really taste anything at this precise moment but whenever I kiss James, I can tell you that the taste of ginger & chocolate would stain my lips for days on end.

Touch?

Just being in James' embrace made me feel protected, as if no harm can ever come to me and it was enough for me to know all was forgiven.

"I don't know about you but I'm starving," James said, pulling back from our embrace so he could look at me in the eye. "Let's go inside and I'll make you something to eat. Do pancakes sound good?"

"Pancakes sounds great," I admitted, a smile crept onto my lips as I followed behind him. He's so wonderful, I don't deserve him. My body seemed to freeze as I remembered the revelation that had hit me like a ton of bricks last night. I don't deserve to be with James...

Schiest, I forgot about that little epiphany.

For once in my fucking life, my inner voice was right. I've never had the courage until last night to admit to myself that I didn't deserve James, nor did I deserve to be his girlfriend or be apart of his life all together. Not once in our four years of being together have I made it easy for James to get something out of me such as the time he asked me about my childhood or the other time when he tried to learn a little bit more about my experiences as an Eva pilot.

Never I have wanted to treat people like shit, after all that's one of the reasons why I moved back to Germany so I could start over, but once again I've managed to completely fuck everything up. I suppose that other little cliché saying is true- Old habits do die hard.

"Is something wrong?" James asked after realising that I had stopped following him. A warm sensation drifted through me when I noticed his concern, I shook my head in response.

"No. Everything's fine," I responded, although deep down I was sure that he knew I was lying.

Why did my inner voice have to be right for once?

"James, we need to talk."

"Do we have to do it now? I mean, can't we wait until I come back from America?"

James looked genuinely regretful about the thought of this discussion; he knew that it was necessary, yet he wanted to prolong it. I do too, but it's not fair to either him or me by trying to avoid the subject.

"No," I replied. "We really need to talk now." James winced, silently knowing that this conversation was inevitable. "There's something I haven't told you yet and it's really important that I tell you now before you go."

He looked terrified, not that I could blame him with the way I was going on; making it look as though I were sentencing to death by a firing squad. Sitting down on the couch, James followed my action. Looking at his facial expression, I suddenly felt the need to draw my knees close to my chest, whilst feeling strangely vulnerable at the same time.

How inconvenient.

"James," I paused, why does this seem so hard? "The other day I received an email from my close friend, Hikari. You know about her; she lives in Japan, I've known her since we were fourteen." He nodded, showing that he acknowledged Hikari's existence making it easier for me to continue. "Well she's engaged now and she wants me to be the maid of honour."

It would be an understatement if I said that James was relieved, he breathed out and chuckled, trying to shake off the uneasiness of before. Seeing his reaction left a scratching ache inside my heart. He thinks that the only thing I have to tell him.

"Jeez Asuka, here I was thinking that you were going to say that you're not coming to America with me."

Ouch! Now I feel really guilty.

James noticed my cringe, "You're not coming with me to America if I get this job?"

At that moment, I regretted bringing up the subject at all, but I can't continue to lead him on like this. James deserved so much better. "To be honest, I'm not sure."

"Oh," I could see the disappointment in his eyes, my mind silently begged me to take those words back until finally I had to silence those screams; finishing the rest of what I had to say. "James, I can't come with you to America because I have to go to Japan to help Hikari organise her wedding and that'll take months!"

It's true, I won't be able to go to America with James if I help Hikari organise her wedding. His facial expression showed me that he understood, looking relieved, however, I knew that I had to keep continuing. I couldn't raise his hopes. "James, you do understand that if this does happen; you move to America while I live in Japan, it'll be strenuous on our relationship."

James nodded, showing that he understood what I was trying to point out. "You want me to give you some time to think about whether you'll come with me to America or not?"

"Yes." I could see sadness beginning to settle in his eyes again yet at the same time they were also filled with understanding, and hope?

"So how much time do you need?"

"The wedding is in four months. I'll come up with my decision by then."

James nodded. I knew he wasn't happy at the thought of waiting that long, yet I could tell that he was relieved that I was giving this careful consideration and not jumping into it as I usually do.

"Alright, I'll give you exactly four months and I want a decision not a day afterwards, do you hear me?" Once again he tried to sound like a stern parent but the slight smile on the corner of his lips gave him away.

"Thank you," I whispered, pulling him into an embrace.

"I really want us to work out and if that means giving you time, then that's what I'll do."

He's gone now.

Probably on his flight back to America and although he's been gone for nearly two hours, I feel as though all our time together was nothing but sweet make-believe stories made up by my own mind as a way for me to sleep easier at night; my subconscious tricking me into thinking that there's someone out there that actually loves me.

Of course it only makes you realise just also how unfair life really is; that the hardest difficulty of your life is longer than the easier part of your life. A good example of this would be person walking up a huge hill: although it can take the person half an hour to finally get up there, it'll only take less than a minute to get to the bottom. Another one would be a wife and her husband, even though they may have been married for thirty years or so and had the children and everything else that establishes the "apple pie" life, none of that would matter in that single moment when the wife places her signature on that divorce paper. See? Life really is unfair.

A cold breeze brushed against the nape of my neck, forcing me to pull the edges of my hooded-jacket to cover the exposed skin, why I did not simply zip up my jacket, I do not know. Maybe it wasn't the cold that was making me shiver. Maybe it was the thought of what I said to James just before he left.

"James, if you meet somebody over there, if you think that there's could be something special..." I really didn't want to continue with what I had to say, thankfully he got the message.

"You want me to take it," he said it as a statement, not a question.

I nodded, not being able to trust my voice. James gave me a sad look; quietly telling me that he didn't want to do what I was asking him to do, and yet at the same time, his facial descriptions showed that he couldn't bare the thought of not granting me this final wish until we met again in four months time.

"Alright Asuka, I promise. But the same goes for you."

I wonder what he meant when he said that. Well obviously he was saying that I shouldn't allow myself to miss out on the opportunity if I was offered the chance to find happiness with another person, which is most unlikely because I know that our relationship will be able to survive this long-distance challenge, thank you very much!

Yet, I still wonder...

I never believed Shinji when he told me that I talked in my sleep because in my opinion as a fourteen year old, it led me to assume that Shinji pointing out my flaws was simply the quickest opportunity for him to use. In my eyes it had provided my co-worker the perfect chance to escape from the embarrassing situation which he had led himself into. That was how I saw it. Until Amal asked me one morning while we were still living together, why was I crying out for my Mama.

Do I still mumble in my sleep?

Most likely, sleep-talking is a sign of trauma, or whatever may be causing stress. I haven't been bothered to deal with my emotional issues so I know for sure that I won't be sleeping normally anytime soon. Does James know about Shinji? Gott, I really hope not. I know that I have a tendency for having dreams of us being together, but I'm certain that they have never led me to the state of saying his name out loud.

Of course I can't make that judgment, only James can and unfortunately, he's on his flight back home to America and I won't be able to receive his answer for at least four months.

I knew that I had something to do! Frustration at my forgetfulness led me into slamming my right palm against the cold railing of our verandah. "Fuck," I grunted before trying to ease the pain with my other hand. However, my action proved to be as useful as giraffe with a ladder. Huh?

Now where did that analogy come from?

Never will I ever receive an answer to my silent question, because at that precise moment the radio D.J.'s voice coming off the stereo had disrupted my contemplation and I lost all train of thought.

"This next song was requested by Becky from Wilmshaven. It's an oldie from 2007, but it's a classic and I know that many of you will love it. It's Fergie with Big girls don't cry."

Okay now I'm seriously going to ring this guy up and give him hell. Since when the fuck is any of Fergie's songs are considered as a "classic"? Let it be known to all that I, Asuka Zeppelin, am a full-time rock chick. To me there is no other alternative that should be considered as musical genius. Alright, maybe classical pieces composed by Beethoven or Mozart aren't so bad, and I don't mind the occasional soft-rock that has a bit of bounce to it, but there is no way in hell that songs by women dressing as sluts who can barely hold a note, should be counted as music! People who argue with me otherwise are tone-deaf idiots.

Great, now this guy has me all worked up. "Hope you're satisfied with yourself. You fucker," speaking to no one in particular which you could see as a good thing considering I was now feeling very pissed off.

Entering the apartment once again, I closed the glass door behind me, which made me realise just how cold it was outside. Taking quick strides towards the stereo, I was about to turn it off and go to bed until I finally comprehended what the protagonist was actually singing about. As she continued with her song I could almost feel my heart being clawed, but then be soothed by something I wasn't able to quite put my finger on. The song was almost too fitting for my current situation, is there someone out there that's actually mocking me? The temptation of throwing electronic contraption was almost overpowering until I had to remind myself that this belonged to James, not me.

While the singer continued with her story I realised that she was talking about things she needed to do before & after finding her inner peace and it lead me to consider following her advice. Picking up the phone, I rang the Berlin airport and asked to book a flight to Tokyo-3. Unfortunately for me, the earliest flight for Japan would be ten days away, the woman had apologised to me for the inconvenience, saying that it was the holiday season.

Looking at the calendar on our kitchen fridge, I noticed that she was right; it was the summer season so wouldn't be surprising that people have booked or flights anywhere but here. I also noticed with sadness that the anniversary of my mother's death was only two days away, reminding me that it would be better for me to stay and visit her one last time before leaving Germany.

After confirming the final details for my flight, I hung up the phone and placed it back in its respective place, thinking about what I had just done. Although it had my intention to go back to Japan, I couldn't help feel a little dread at knowing that I had actually took the first step and now there's no turning back.

In ten days I would be leaving the comfort of my home in Germany, for a place of unpleasant memories.

AN: Now before you seriously pay out my choice of song for this chapter and think of me as some teenager who loves trashy pop music, I'll have you know that I HATE Fergie! However, the reason I decided to choose this song was because one night my friend and I were driving around nowhere in particular when this song came on the radio surprising me to realise just how accurate this song related to my story. Coinceidence? Maybe, I'm not completely sure but hey it works.

You should also know I may not be able to update my stories for several months not because of my laziness, but rather I'm moving and I probably won't have access to the internet for a while. However, don't think I'm giving up on the stories and I promise I will try my best to always update whenever I can. Take care and thanks for R&R so far, Water-Star.