I had just barely made it back to the lab before the waterworks started. I tried to control myself long enough to explain to my supervisor Siobhan what had happened before I really let myself go. She led me into her office where I sat and openly wept for what seemed like hours. She was a round soft Irish lady who had taken me under her wing many months ago. She let me sit in her lap, stroking my hair gently as I cried myself out, ruining her shirt with my salty tears. She whispered reassuring words in my ear, telling me that everyone did all that they could, that it was just his time, and that sometimes the world just doesn't make sense. Finally my tears had run dry and my now empty stomach began to rumble.
"Bella my sweets, I think you should go get something to eat now. Once you get something in your belly I'm sure you'll feel better and you can go back to work. Liam has been covering your bench but he has his own work to do so I need you to pull yourself together and get on with your day" she murmured as she continued to pet my head lovingly.
I felt so safe and small again when Siobhan held me like this; like I was just a child trying to find my way in the world. The same way Renee would when I was a kid and I had fallen off my bike or heard a scary story. Back then life was easier, less complicated. Everything seemed like black and white, not shades of grey. I had always believed everything happens for a reason; but on days like today I couldn't understand why. What was the reasoning for taking that poor boys life at such young age? What if he was meant to do something great and now he would never have a chance. As much as I wanted to just stay here and continue to be comforted, I she was right. I did have a job to do and there were other people who were counting on me; I couldn't spend my day here feeling sorry for the boy and myself while contemplating my beliefs. I nodded my head and stood slowly making my way to the office door. With one hand on the doorknob I turned back to Siobhan who was eyeing me wearily.
"Siobhan can I ask you a question" I mumbled thickly, feeling the sting of tears in my eyes once again.
"Anything" she replied, her sharp eyes still assessing me carefully.
"Do you believe in fate? I mean do you think everything happens for a reason, or do you think we're all just floating through the universe at random"
Her features softened and instantly she crossed the room in three large strides cradling me into a smothering hug.
"Oh Bella my angel, I can't answer that for you, its something you need to decide for yourself. All I know is that if there wasn't a reason for everything, if we were all just floating about at random then the world seems like an awfully cold and cruel place doesn't it? Maybe this boy couldn't be saved, but we can learn from our mistakes so that it won't happen again and maybe we can save hundreds more little boys and girls." She grabbed my chin and lifted my face so she could look into my eyes. "I know your heart is broken little one, but it will mend, and maybe, just maybe, this will all make sense and you will see the reasons for it."
I nodded my head again and turned away quickly before she could see the tears start to overflow again. I shut the door softly and walked away quickly, but not before I heard the sobs erupt from the other side of the frosted glass.
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My feet felt heavy like lead as I made my way to the cafeteria. I vaguely remember buying a chicken salad sandwich before plopping down in a rigid chair and placing my head on the table while I absentmindedly thumbed the cross which hung from the chain on my neck. It had been Grandma Swan's and I never took it off. It was a security blanket of sorts, giving me comfort helped me collect my thoughts. The cafeteria table felt cool on my flushed cheeks, bringing me back to reality. I could only imagine what kind of a mess I was in, as I was the epitome of an ugly crier. I subconsciously cursed myself for crying so hard; my eyes and face would be red and bloodshot for days. It was then that I realized someone was hovering over me. If it were Alice she would have hugged me reassuringly by now; if it were Rosalie she would have kicked my chair and told me to suck it up. I turned my face to identify my intruder, prepared to give a lecture on the rudeness of leering when my eyes locked with that of Dr Cullen. I sat up quickly giving myself a head rush and causing the room to spin for the second time today. I grabbed the table to balance myself as Carlisle leaned over to steady me.
"Are you ok Isabella" he asked, his beautiful eyes full of concern.
How the hell did Dr Carlisle Cullen Hottie Emergency Doctor Extraordinaire know my name? Be cool I chanted in my head in an attempt to compose myself.
"Bella!" I blurted. Nice Bells I mentally groaned. Real smooth.
"Excuse me" Dr Cullen questioned, eyebrow cocked.
"I go by Bella" I stammered.
"Please excuse me Bella" he said as he smiled warmly at me. "Your name tag says Isabella" he said as he pointed toward the lanyard around my neck carrying my awful mugshot of a picture. I was hungover the day the picture was taken so my hair was completely dishevelled, not to mention Alice had made an incredibly inappropriate remark about the security guard playing photographer and made me laugh just as I was supposed to say cheese forcing me to let out a snort of a laugh. Although I'm sure at this exact moment, with my tear streaked face I'm sure I looked much more haggard.
"No worries Dr Cullen" I replied, giggling nervously.
"Please call me Carlisle Bella, Dr Cullen sounds so formal and makes me feel old" he answered with a small smirk.
The table was uncomfortably quiet for a few moments while we both fidgeted with our hands collecting our thoughts.
"Was there something I could help you with Carlisle" I asked once the blood had returned to my brain and I could think clearly.
"Ah yes, I'm so sorry to intrude on you like this while you're at lunch" he started, pausing for a brief second to eye my untouched sandwich. "But I just wanted to thank you for working so quickly with that patient this morning. Also to say that if the child hadn't arrived to our hospital in the awful shape in which he did; the extra blood products that you brought; the plasma, platelets and albumin; might actually have been enough to save his life. You thought ahead, and tried to take matters into your own hands, saving what could have been precious minutes. I know it was breaking protocol because there were no orders written for those things, but in emergency situations sometimes you have to work on gut feelings which you clearly did today. It takes a lot of worry off my mind to know that there are people like you working in the lab, watching out for our patients when sometimes we're too involved in the current situation to anticipate future needs."
His words made my head snap up from my previously engaging fingernails so I could eye his face and search for his sincerity. All my scrutiny could find was his warm eyes brimming with warmth and genuineness.
"Well Dr Cullen, I mean Carlilise" I said correcting myself when I finally found my voice. "Thank you for those kind words. It was understood when I started my career that this would be a thankless job, so it's a lovely surprise to have someone of your position of authority and credentials to take some time to notice the work that my people do. Even if it wasn't enough today" I answered feeling my eyes well up once again.
"Bella, you realize that we all did everything we could today right" he asked as a single traitor tear slid down my cheek.
I nodded my head and tried to inconspicuously wipe away the rogue tear. Carlisle grabbed my hand from my face and gave it a tight squeeze.
"You take your job very seriously don't you" he questioned while his warm hand still held onto mine.
Once again I nodded my head, fearful that if I tried to speak a sob would erupt loudly from my throat. Carlisle eyed me thoughtfully while I he absentmindedly traced circles in the back of my hand with his thumb. Minutes passed while my mind began to race. Was he waiting for an actual response or trying to comfort me? I pulled myself together, cleared my throat prepared to answer his previous question when he suddenly hit me with another one completely catching me off guard.
"Bella are you currently seeing anyone."
I stared at him disbelievingly before my eyes wandered to the ring finger on his left hand where a delicately carved gold band lay in its own indent from obvious years of wear. He noticed my eyes pop out of my head and followed my gaze before he began to chuckle heartily.
"Bella, I'm happily married and have been for about 15 years now" he mused.
Confusion swept across my face causing a laugh to erupt from deep in his stomach.
"My nephew is new in town and I'm looking for someone to take him around town, show him the nightlife and a good time" he answered my unasked question.
I felt my face turn a bright crimson before I managed to blurt out quickly; as if it had been rehearsed
"Well Carlisle, I just got out of a 18 month "relationship"; using my finger quotations appropriately; "and I just don't know if I'm ready to get involved with anyone else yet. Thank you very much for the offer and I'm very flattered, but I'm sure either of my friends Rosalie or Alice would be a better choice anyways. Both would be more then suited to show your nephew a very eventful night then what I could ever be" I said standing abruptly and grabbing my untouched sandwich off the table.
"Thank you very much for your kind words and have a great day" I added as I turned to leave and head back to the sanctity of my lab not waiting for his response. In inwardly cursed myself for being so rude as I snaked my way through the growing crowd. I almost made it to the door before two figures suddenly appeared before me blocking my escape.
"Were you just talking to Dr Cullen" Alice squealed grabbing my arm as I tried to squeeze past them.
"Yes" I hissed through my teeth half dragging her along as I pushed forward. "And now I am trying to escape from him so can you please let me pass and I will explain everything later" I half growled.
Alice released my arm and made a quick glance over her shoulder at the good doctor still sitting shocked where I sat with him just moments ago. Flanking behind me my best friends allowed me a few steps space whispering frantically. When we reached the lab I abruptly spun around causing the girls to crash into one another.
"Speak" Rose ordered; eyes narrowed, arms folded across her chest.
And speak I did. For 15 minutes I stood there and explained my entire morning in great detail. I told them everything from the sight and smells inside the emergency room as I watched the young boy die, crying myself dry in Siobhan's lap, to the bizarre conversation I just held with Carlisle. While I spoke, Alice made occasional whimper noises and openly wept; Rose just stared at me sceptically. When I finished I looked at each one precariously worried about their thoughts. They momentarily glanced at each other before Alice opened her mouth to speak, abruptly snapping it shut with an audible pop.
"What our darling Ali is trying to say is you're a fucking idiot and we will discuss this later" Rose spoke on behalf of the two before grabbing the handle and yanking on the door of the lab. I stared at her incredulously before Alice collected her thoughts and quipped.
"What Rose is trying to say is we're sorry you're having a rough morning, we just need some time to digest the information you've presented before us and we will talk about it properly later. For now, we all need to get back to work."
Fuming at their insensitivity to my situation I blew past the two of them grabbing my labcoat off my assigned hook and returning to my post.
The rest of the day flew by uneventfully. I tried to keep myself busy and not let my mind rerun the entire days' events like some horror film that had a terrible ending. Once 3pm arrived, I gladly left my bench for the evening staff; grabbed my belongings from my locker and headed to my truck to meet Ali and Rose. I found them standing outside, oblivious of my approaching, and deep in discussion. I wordless opened the doors for them, catching the look they exchanged out of the corner of my eye. Refusing to be the first one to speak I climbed into my truck and drove away without uttering so much as a sound. Ali fidgeting in the backseat clearly had something that she wanted to get off her chest while Rose stared out the window with an air of indifference. About 10 minutes into our drive Ali finally snapped.
"Bella, I can't believe you turned down a date with Dr Cullen's nephew" she nearly screamed at me.
"His name is Carlisle" I corrected smugly. "Besides I explained to him that I had just gotten out of a relationship and I wasn't ready to start dating just yet."
"Oh for fucks sake!" Rose said throwing her arms up in exasperation. "You and James were NOT in a relationship. Fucking someone on a monthly basis does not count as a relationship. You were his goddam booty call and all he wanted was for someone to suck his cock then let him stick it inside them which you did so that's why he kept calling you. Fuck you need to get over this fucking douchebag and on with your life. Stop playing the fucking pity card and get over it already."
"Rosalie, don't you think I know what I was to James? Don't you think that I am well aware that I was nothing more then a mouth and a pussy to him? That's exactly why I blocked him from my phone. I was sick of being that girl that let some guy just fuck and chuck her. But we all can't be ridiculously perfect like you and have guys swoon over us all the time you know. I kept going back because I was sure that each time would be the last time I had sex ever. "I all but screamed back at her.
"Bells, we know you went through a hard time with James and he was absolutely awful to you, we just think that maybe, if you met someone new, it might be easier for you to get over him. We are so proud of you for blocking him from your phone so you can't keep getting the 3am booty call texts that I know you are unable to resist; but maybe meeting someone new would help give you some closure about the entire situation." Alice cooed to me gently.
No matter how true some words are; it doesn't make them any easier to hear. I had nothing more to say to either one of them, just gave Ali a quick nod when I dropped her off. I held myself together while I drove the rest of the way home in silence. Once we made it to the house I jumped out of the truck and ran into the house blowing past a snoring Jacob. I just barely made it to my bedroom, slamming the door behind me before throwing myself onto my bed and sobbing uncontrollably for the second time in one day.